Just a heads up! We are still in the past.
Divya
"I need to file a complaint, "I told the person on the other line, brushing my tears off.
"What is your complaint, Mam?" The man asked me.
"I was raped and my husband is the attacker," I told them gathering all the strength I could muster and controlling my tears from falling down.
Yes, I was attacked by my own husband. He came home drunk, unlike every day he didn't go into his room. He came to my room, I felt scared and I faked my sleep because in the past he never touched or hit me when I was sleeping.
But this time was different because he fell on top of me, At first, I was too shocked to know what was going on, but the second I opened my eyes and saw him with lust and anger, I knew it.
I tried to push him away but he was so heavy that I couldn't. I tried... I did whatever I could do, I kicked him with my hands and legs but he pinned my hands above my head and stopped them from moving with his one hand, and he sat on my legs so I couldn't move them either.
That moment when I couldn't move my body, I was scared and helpless because I knew what was about to happen and I couldn't protect myself. I didn't know what to do except pray for something good to happen.
He unzipped his pants and ripped my clothes off and started touching me. I felt disgusted by his touch, I wanted to run away, and create an escape for myself. I couldn't see myself like that being weak, I cursed my ill fate and closed my eyes, and kept praying for someone to walk through the door and help me.
I still had hope that someone would come for me, but there was no Lord Krishna to save me from this situation as he did for Draupadi.
"I am sorry Mam, we can only lodge a complaint. We won't be able to do anything because under section 375 of the Indian Penal Code Forced sex is a crime only when the victim is younger than 15 if the victim is married to the attacker." Her words brought me back to the harsh reality.
Marital Rape is legal in India.
When I gathered the courage to file a complaint against him, life showed me its true colors.
There is no god, if he was there he would've seen the injustice I am going through and would've helped me through it.
"If you go through the Protection of Woman under Domestic Violence act, you might get a civil remedy as in you can get some financial compensation for it." The man explained and I cut the call after listening to that.
His words felt like a punch in my gut. I felt disgusted at myself. I wanted to go stay in the shower again to forget his touch and make my body numb again.
What am I hooker? They do consensual sex, but this is non-consensual, I didn't want him to touch me, this is not what I wanted in life.
This is so demeaning to all the women in this world. I don't need money, I need my life back to how it was before. I wanted peace. I wanted to feel free from this monster.
We will always yell Maa when we get hurt and that's what I wanted to do. I wanted to call my family and tell them that I am in pain, so I called my mother.
"Maa!" I whispered into my phone as soon as she picked up the call.
"Please help me, Maa! Can you trust me one last time? I promise to never ask you anything again. I promise to be the best daughter. Please take me home." I begged her with tears running from my eyes.
"Jay attacked me tonight Maa, he forced himself on me. He raped me. Please save me Maa. Take me home... Please. I will be nice and I will never talk back. Please..." I pleaded with her again sobbing for help as I couldn't hear any reply from her.
"Stop with your drama Divya! How low can you stoop? Why do keep on complaining about Jay? Yesterday it was him hitting and now it's rape. Why are you hell-bent on ruining our reputation? Marriage has both ups and downs, try to understand him and move on. Adjust and adapt Divya. Stop calling your mom about every single thing. I know you didn't like marrying but stop bothering us with your lies, Stop crying wolf because we are not fools to come for you. Just shut up and let us sleep."My own father yelled and cut the call.
I cried and cried, gasping for air till my eyes dried out. But the pain wouldn't go away.
I lost the last hope I had in this world. I didn't know what to do. Why wouldn't they believe me?
Being a girl in this patriarchal society is a sin, No one lets you do anything alone, and nor will they stand by you when you start to fight for yourself. Women like me will always be oppressed.
For the last 25 years, I did whatever they told me. I was practically living for them, living their dreams.
Divya, become a doctor! I did become one.
Divya, don't talk to boys! I never spoke to a boy in my school or college.
Divya, keep your head low! I always walked around with my head hanging low.
Divya, stop wearing revealing clothes! I never wore such clothes after that.
Divya, sit like a lady! I always sat with my legs closed together.
Divya, Marry a monster, and don't ever complain even if he kills you internally! And I have been doing that for the last year.
And when I told them that I can't take it anymore, this is how they repay me.
I didn't fail as a daughter, They failed as parents.
How do I find peace in this Narcissistic world?
Why is there no solution to my problem?
My own family thinks I am a liar, the government says forced intercourse in marriage is legal. What other way do I have to protect myself?
I felt really frustrated, hurt, and disappointed with myself for being weak. I wish I fought harder.
The mistake is mine for believing my family.
I looked around to find something that would help me and I found a knife waiting for me on the dining table near the fruits, Calling me to touch it, and feel it on my skin saying that it won't be more painful as the pain Jay put me through.
I walked to the dining table, reminding myself of all the words they told me.
If I kill myself and if I state that Jay is the reason, maybe he will get punished that away. It will be killing two birds with one stone, Jay will go to jail and there will be an end to my pain.
I grabbed a pen and paper and wrote that Jay is the reason for my death. And I also sent a message to my so-called family in case of the police missed this note. It's better to be safe than sorry. My death can't be wasted. He needs to be punished.
I grabbed the knife and slit my wrist, and welcomed the pain feeling happy that this will be my last. Slowly all the symptoms of Exsanguination(bleeding to death) started to kick in and I lost consciousness with a smile on my face at the happiness that I never have to face this again.
But to my bad luck, I woke up in a hospital with Jay by my side. I cursed myself for not doing the one thing I could do right and ending this.
"Did you really think? Your dying would've put me in jail. You just made everything for me easier, now everyone in your family thinks you are suicidal and mentally unstable." He laughed with an evil smirk.
"There is a reason why no one loves you, it's because there is nothing special about you. You are just the same old girl trying to get mommy and daddy's approval on everything. Which you will never get after marriage? Look at yourself, no one wants you, not even death." He laughed at me.
"Get yourselves discharged and come back, I have a lot planned for you for this stupid little stunt of yours." He said and left.
I was discharged after a day, he hit me and abused me verbally for a whole week.
It's been 2 months since that dreadful day, I try to forget it but memory is such a tricky little thing.
You always remember things you want to erase from life.
I learned to live with what I have and I know how to stop myself from getting hit by Jay. All I had to was not talk to anyone in my life.
Trust me he knows if I talk to anyone, I don't know how but he does. Because once I tried to tell my cousins Rajeev and Sharmila about what I was going through, that night he made me sleep outside our house all night after beating me black and blue. I talked to my colleagues Ritesh and Charan friendly one day, he used my head to break a mirror on the wall. He also threatened me that he would kill the other person if I talk to them.
That's when I realized that he hates me talking to anyone and ever since I've been living with a constant fear of Jay watching me and started staying alone and mum.
Instead of thinking too much about how? I gave up. I gave up on my life, I am just passing through life waiting for the end to come to me.
My parents weren't there in the hospital. I was on a death bed and no one came to see me. I never went back to my parent's house. My parent's house didn't feel like home anymore. I stopped talking to my dad and grandma.
And no one knows what I'm going through. Because in this stupid world no one talks about their problems out loud, you don't parade your problems because that shows people you are weak. You gotta show the world you are one happy family even though you are dying on the inside.
The world is just a web of lies. Don't believe anyone.
"Divya Ma'am! Are you okay?" Nurse Mala asked me as I was rubbing my scar from the cut.
"I am fine Mala, What do you need?" I asked her after adjusting my posture.
This is what I do every day, I wake up come to the hospital, pick the longest hours I could to be away from him, and go back home. A good day to me is not getting beaten by my husband.
"We got a patient, His name is Rohan, Age 18. He fell from his bike."She continued explaining as I walked to the emergency room filled with beds and people sitting side by side.
I walked to the patient and checked on him, it was nothing serious just a few cuts and scratches and a small sprain. Mala cleaned him up as I treated his wounds, but there was a commotion going on, on the other side of the room.
A woman was crying hysterically, and all the staff surrounded her to calm her down.
"What's going on there?" I asked Mala.
"Poor lady! Her husband beat her to death two days back, she was unconscious the whole time, and no one came for her. Her neighbors bought her in today." Her answer made me stop what I was doing.
There are so many people like me in this world.
"Vineela mam is sending in a social worker," Mala said looking at the woman.
Her face was swollen, and she had black eyes. Her body was covered with bruises. Looking at her reminded me of myself in some ways. At least she is getting help, I can't even tell anyone, he will know and hurt me more.
I started walking out when I heard the social worker say the words which hit me really hard, it felt like she was talking to me.
"You don't have to suffer in silence anymore, Stop resisting my help. Listen to me, you disrespect yourself every time you convince yourself to live in that house. I know how you feel, you are just hoping that someone will see how amazing you are and chose you. But it doesn't work that way. No matter how good you are, they will never change. By keeping quiet you are encouraging them, stop doing that. Respect yourself first. A divorce is an option for you, free yourself from the pain. I will help you through every step."
"Standing alone is better than standing with people who hurt you."
I wish it was that easy. I wish I could walk away like that. Her words were giving me hope and I didn't want it. Because Jay knows my thoughts and will hurt me again if I try to escape.
I went back home after completing my shift. Looks like Jay is out of town, I haven't seen him for the last 3 days. His business trip days are my solace, I can live freely at his house without the fear of getting hurt.
As usual, I woke up, got ready and went to the hospital, did my rounds, and went back to my rooms to fill out all the remaining paperwork.
"Maam! We have a new VIP Patient and they requested you to take care of it." Another nurse came to my room and told me.
That's weird, why would they want me specifically?
I gathered all the required things and followed the nurse who called me. We took the elevator to the top floor of this building. It was filled with guards, who is this VIP that needs this much security?
I walked to the room but the security guard stopped standing out there and stopped me.
"Mam! We can't let you in this way. Please go through the other door with the metal and RF detectors." He said curtly and I nodded.
"Who is the patient?" I asked him placing my stethoscope and all my other things on a tray.
"Our CM's wife and daughter." The guard told me and pushed the tray into the scanner.
Both of them, What happened to them with these thoughts I walked through the metal and RF detector and they beeped out loud making all the security attentive and I panicked and jumped back.
A lady guard came in with a scanner and started scanning my whole body with it and they just beeped near my face.
"Take your earrings off." She said and I did it quietly.
And now the detector didn't go off, I've been wearing those from the last year. They were a gift from my in-laws.
"Mam! Do we have permission to check your earrings?" She asked me politely and I nodded and stood there waiting.
Another man came by and took me into a private room, and revealed the one last thing that broke me and made me run away.
"Mam! We think someone is spying on you with these earrings. They have a microphone and camera built-in."
I felt the earth beneath me move after hearing that. This is all Jay's doing, I remember him telling me that the earrings were family heirlooms and how he wanted me to wear them every day.
"We thought it was you but your background check report was spotless. I broke the camera and microphone. Please look after yourself and talk to me if you need any help." The lady said and walked away but I couldn't move.
I was shocked but after a few minutes of thinking about it, it all made sense.
How he could change everything from his perspective? How did he know who I talked to?
Jay has been spying on me.
After thinking in that room for a few minutes, I felt relieved for the first time. I've been living in constant fear and panic that he knows everything I do, but now he doesn't and he won't.
It all felt funny now, how stupid was I, to believe in everything. I now understood why he gave me these earrings because he was scared that if I tell anyone about him, they would believe me and his reputation and companies were at stake. He was scared of ME.
But, I am free now, I can do whatever I want.
I remembered the social worker's words ringing in my head from the moment I heard them.
Standing alone is better than standing with people who hurt you.
You disrespect yourself every time you convince yourself to live in that house.
A divorce is still an option.
Free yourself from the pain.
No matter how good you are, they will never change.
Why am I still living with him?
My parents clearly don't want me, they will never let me live in peace.
My parent's love for me was selfish, it was not unconditional like it was supposed to be.
I can run away on my own. I saved up some money from work, I am free now, and he won't be able to see or know what I am doing anymore.
For the first time in my life, I thought about myself, I am going to be selfish this time. I was selfless to act happy and stay in this toxic relationship. Not anymore. I am not a punching bag nor am I a doormat.
I am leaving him.
I will get a divorce from Jay, no matter what it takes. I've suffered enough.
Fuck this society, Society is a lie. I am going to live for myself from now on.
I left the hospital and immediately came back home, and called my mom to see if she will be by my side. As a child, she stood by me even though I made many mistakes and I had the courtesy to do the same even though she made mistakes regarding me. As usual, she picked her husband and others over me again.
I called Amaya for help because I knew she would be there for me. She bought me here and took me to Laura, who helped me a lot to get through the pain and my insecurities.
Amaya gave me a family who believed me, they showed me what real love is. They made me realize that it's not blood that makes your family, it's love, loyalty, and trust.
Now that I think about it I suffered because I didn't realize when and where to stop.
I ruined myself because I didn't love myself enough to stop the shit that I know I didn't deserve.
These two chapters were the hardest to write, So hard that at one point I regretted starting this book.
I truly didn't know that Marital Rape was legal in India before I started this book, Heck! I didn't know about it before I started writing this chapter.
I read about it and you know what a chief justice of India said regarding this
"Marital rape should not be made a crime in India because it will create absolute anarchy in families and our country is sustaining itself because of the family platform which upholds family values"
What's wrong with these people, why is society shielding people who rape their spouses?
Marriage doesn't give them a license to rape. Marital Rape is a crime and the most painful of them all because you have to live with your abuser all your life.
I am confused and scared about all the facts I learned today. I need a really long detox to get myself out of all the anger I am feeling right now.
Thanks to all the people who are reading and keeping me motivated.
And I think this song attached on top should be every girl's motto in life.
Don't forget to vote and comment on your opinions.
Love,
Sneha.