in which i havent written in so long so i pull an old thing out of my drafts and hope its enough
um. what to say,,,, well, this isn't the favorite thing I've written. i wish i knew how to write heartbreak. it would make this stuff so much easier but oh well
i feel as if this is the kinda thing i'll reread tomorrow and immediately find dozens of flaws in, but for rn it'll do
warnings: break-ups... its really just a lot of angst
summary: Marella's moved on and Biana? Biana definitely hasn't. She'd let herself think she had for a short time but now, seeing Marella so close to another girl, it's clear she was wrong.
word count: uh only like, 600 words. pretty short
Biana watches Marella laugh. It's a secret laugh, a soft laugh. It's a laugh Marella had always reserved for Biana and Biana only.
But now Marella's sharing that laugh with Linh and they're doubling over in giggles and Biana wants to cry and scream and hide all at once. But she can't, so she blinks hard and smiles as if she's amused too, and she holds back the tears silently burning in her eyes.
Marella doesn't even glance at Biana though. Her eyes are focused solely on Linh and they hold that same adoring look Biana knows oh so well. It's a look that always said I'd do anything for you. I love you.
And Biana feels like throwing up when she sees it because this time the look isn't aimed at her. It's focused solely on Linh because Marella's moved on and Biana? Biana definitely hasn't. She'd let herself think she had for a short time but now, seeing Marella so close to another girl, it's clear she was wrong. If Biana had moved on, she wouldn't feel so distraught, as if her world is being pulled away from her.
Which it is in a way. Because Marella had used to be Biana's entire world. They were supposed to be forever, able to go through anything and come back out stronger than ever. That was what Biana had foolishly believed because she was fifteen and in love and she couldn't understand how that could ever be ripped away from her.
She still can't understand. How can something that had felt so solid, so real, just fade away so easily? How can Marella laugh and hold hands with another girl like this so soon? How, when Biana is still trying to process it and piece herself back together as if she's broken glass.
Biana can't help but remember all those times where Marella would lean in and her breath would tickle the curve of Biana's ear and she would whisper, "I'll always be here for you, you realize that Bi? I love you." There were so many whispered promises of forever, and now forever is gone.
Biana has had several heartbreaks, several times when someone she loved left her. But Marella had been a safe place throughout it all, a steady hand to hold on to or shoulder to lean on while everything crumbled around her. Marella was supposed to be there, always, and now she wasn't because she had moved on and found new loves.
And the thing is, deep down, Biana knows Marella's done nothing wrong. She knows that it wouldn't be fair to Marella to forever be bound to Biana. She knows Marella had the right to break up with her and the right to leave her and the right to forget her because Marella should be able to do what she wants and love who she wants.
None of those is Marella's fault. It's Biana who's stuck here, replaying old memories over and over, wishing they were reality. It's Biana who can't bring herself to look into Marella's eyes of ice because she fears that if she does, she will never be able to look away. It's Biana who's still as in love as she was before, maybe even more so.
It's Biana who can't move on, who's left alone, struggling to hold herself together and fighting a losing battle with her own emotions.
Marella and Linh are now walking away, fully engrossed in their conversation. Neither of their heads turn around to see Biana. Marella's laughing that secret laugh again and Linh can't look more in love.
Biana's heart suddenly feels like stone. Cold, numb, and shattered. She turns around quietly, walking away as fast as she can. And she doesn't, can't, won't cry.