"How are you so good with the gear? I feel like a waddling duckling every time I wear it."
"To start with, you need to focus on your core and leg strength to stay upright. You also need to have a sufficient level of spatial recognition, as it helps you determine your position in the air more efficiently with regards to your surroundings. Don't think about how you should utilize the gear. Instead, think about how you and the equipment can become one."
".. Wow. Can you, like.. dumb it down for me?"
A low chuckle left Erwin's lips as he watched the confusion painted in bolded letters across Isanna's features. A few months had already passed since their enlistment to the Training Corps, and she was having difficulty in mastering the vertical maneuvering equipment, which had often led to the usual rounds of insults from their head instructor right to the face every time she fell down during their maneuvering training in the forest.
"You're doing fine," he encouraged. "Just continue to practice."
"Uh, I don't know about that.. Commandant Koch keeps on yelling at my face that I can already guess what she had for breakfast."
Erwin merely laughed while Isanna huffed and crossed her hands behind her head, falling on her back as she returned her gaze above them. A ginormous expanse of constellations were laid high up in the sky, along with a bright full moon that was glowing and staring back at them; a sight she would never get tired of looking at.
This was her and Erwin's way of relieving all the stress—just small random talks under the stars after all the rigorous training. They'd usually sneak out past curfew, meeting at the rooftop of the mess hall cabin.
There was just something about breaking rules that intrigued their young, teenage minds, and as a pair that was never separated ever since they were kids, they were always quick to read the other's thought pattern. Erwin, the responsible boy who seemed to be the type to always follow orders, would show subtle hints of rebelliousness at times thanks to her; Isanna, the one who tended to act compulsively, had slowly developed a more grounded personality because of spending too much time with him.
Together, they were like the symbol of the yin and yang that balanced each other.
"Just you watch." Isanna glanced at him from the corner of her eyes. "I'm going to practice like hell and overtake you."
He simply smiled at her. "I wouldn't mind that."
She slowly sat up, using her elbows to prop her. She was expecting for him to put up a fight to defend his pride, at least. "Geez, you're so boring. If it weren't for me, you'd have an even more boring life."
Erwin reached out and gently patted her head. "I'd have to agree with you on that."
Shaking her head, Isanna laid back down with her hands clasped behind her head, returning her attention at the starry night. A puff of wind coursed by, and she had to hold back a rush of shiver.
A flutter of a cloth unfurled over her torso, and she glanced down to see Erwin's coat now over her own person. She stole a glimpse to her side to see the blond staring at the sky without a word.
"Aren't you cold?" she asked him.
"No. I'm alright."
Isanna should've known. Erwin could be freezing to death and still lend his jacket over to her; a gentleman down to his very bones, indeed.
No wonder all the female cadets were head over heels with him. He was literally built with boyfriend (husband) material from the tip of his hair strands down to his toes—if it weren't for the fact that he was so hellbent for his dream.
"Do you know what my mom said about stars?"
Erwin was mildly surprised to hear Isanna mention her mom. She rarely ever did, because he knew she would get emotional talking about it. He turned to her and wore a look that told her she had his full attention.
She wistfully smiled at the sky, her eyes gazing over the dotted twinkles and appreciated the way they shone bright in the darkness. "She used to tell me.. when people die, they turn into stars and watch over their loved ones from the sky."
The nerdy side of Erwin was tempted to blurt the science behind astronomy and give a full-on explanation about the nature of those celestial bodies, but he figured that would burst her bubble and make him seem like an asshole. And he didn't want to hurt her feelings.
"Of course, after reading your science books back home, I realized it was all just a kid story," Isanna added with a light laugh, but Erwin could detect a hint of melancholy in her voice. "She probably just told me that so I wouldn't be lonely when she died."
A long silence passed.
".. That's not true."
Isanna turned to him and raised a brow when he was already looking at her.
"Perhaps, your mother.. truly believed the story herself. Perhaps she was right." Erwin didn't know why he was suddenly saying these things, as if some unknown force had taken control of his tongue. But he didn't like the glum in Isanna's eyes.
It was a few moments until she lopsidedly grinned at him. "Thought you weren't the type to believe in those kinds of stories?"
"Well.. there are certain exceptions."
They both knew what kind of person Erwin was. He was not the type to accept notions based on face value and would rather delve deeper into the truth. Naturally, half-assed kid stories to explain more intricate concepts were not his type.
Isanna hummed with a teasing smile. "So I'm a special case?"
"You always are to me."
She lightly laughed. "Right. I have childhood best friend privilege."
A small smile formed on his lips as they both returned their eyes to the sky, and for a while, it was another bout of comfortable silence between them.
Isanna pointed a finger at the stars. "Maybe.. my mother and Alwin-sensei are both up there, watching over us."
The longer he stared at the night sky, the more his eyes softened at the memory of his father.
"Yes, they are."
As the two teenagers continued to chat the evening away, followed by the occasional laughter, only the twinkling stars and a full moon bore witness to their moment.
While Isanna chattered about random things—about her new friend Adalaide's math skills that were so bad to the point that it was hilarious, Chiara whom she had gotten acquainted with during their maneuvering training in the forest because she accidentally shot her hook right towards Isanna's direction and she hit her head hard on a tree bark trying to evade it—Erwin listened to each word and made a comment every now and then to keep the conversation going.
And as he listened to her, Erwin knew he was never going to sacrifice their friendship for the world.
When she woke up on a clinic bed, Isanna took note of the darkened sky that was displayed through the window near her.
It took her a few moments to realize she was still in the medical clinic. She slowly sat up and hissed at the pain in her head and left arm, but in a few seconds she was able to prop herself against the headboard.
Looking around, she could make out a few nurses making their rounds and checking on the other soldiers, a few snores wafting throughout the room. Because of their low budget, they couldn't even afford a clinic where the patients could get their own separate rooms, so they had to endure the lack of privacy.
"Oh." One of the nurses noticed her and walked over. "Please take it easy, Sergeant. I heard you hit your head pretty hard. And please refrain from moving your arm too much."
Isanna glanced down at the bandage on her arm. "I'm.. fine, I can still move. How long have I.. been out?"
"It's been a little over two days. You were passed out ever since you were brought here by Section Commander Mike."
Her throat felt a little bit parched and her head felt heavy, so Isanna didn't say anything more. Most likely, the Scouts were suffering loads of criticisms at their recent failure. She knew Erwin was already gearing up towards their next plan of action. "Can I.. take my bandages off?"
The nurse shuffled on her feet hesitantly at her request. "Are you, perhaps, going somewhere?"
"Yeah. I have somewhere.. I need to be."
"I'm sorry, ma'am, but we were specifically told by the Commander to ensure you get your rest."
Isanna quietly sighed and swept her legs across the bed, fighting back the ache as she stood up.
The nurse stepped forward. "Please don't stress your body too much, Sergeant. You were injured pretty badly."
"It's fine." She waved her off. "I heal fast, anyway."
The nurse chewed on her lip and watched Isanna head away towards the door. With a defeated sigh, she called for her to stop. "Please have a glass of water before you go."
In a matter of minutes, Isanna finally wobbled out of the medical bay with her left arm in a sling, the dim night shrouding their HQ with darkness, accompanied by the minimal lights of crackling fire torches. Lifting her head, she took in the beauty of the night sky for a few silent seconds and closed her eyes, allowing the cold and fresh air to pour over her.
When she opened her eyes, Isanna made way towards the main building, thinking about the possible back-up plans for their current situation. With the way things were going, Eren's own life and the fate of the Scouts' longevity as an organization were at risk. They needed to somehow maneuver their way through this situation and gain the public and the government's favor once more, no matter how bleak the idea sounded.
Oh shit.. almost forgot about Erwin.
She bit her lip at the thought of the said blond. She was so preoccupied about Eren that she forgot about her slip up. Not to mention she even got herself injured as a result of her hasty insubordination.
No doubt she was going to receive an earful from him. And a punishment of some sorts.
She tried reassuring herself that she only did what she thought was right, but the voice of reason was scolding her in retaliation.
Isanna climbed up the stairs with mild difficulty and padded down the barren hallway, the echoes of her footsteps bouncing against the hollow walls and through her own ears. She first visited her room to wash her face and clean up a bit, because she certainly would never show up without taking care of a much needed personal hygiene especially after snoozing for two whole days. Levi would never let her within a five-meter radius.
Despite the slight twinge in her arm, Isanna managed by herself. She stood in front of the mirror in her private room and contemplated removing her bandages. She tried to, but the pain from her left arm didn't allow her to move too much; ultimately, she discarded the sling and the bandage around her head before heading straight to the Commander's office.
When the door to the office creaked open, it caught the attention of the two men who were in the middle of discussing future plans in line with the royal summons. The general meeting that had been held with the other officers had ended hours ago, so they were the only ones inside the office.
Mike's eyes widened just a fraction when it landed on the woman. "Isanna? You're already awake."
Walking in, Isanna tried to ignore the piercing stare coming from a different blond, who was seated behind his desk.
"Yeah, I'm well enough to move around." She waved her good hand. "Anyway, what's the plan for Eren?" Her tone was so casual that if it weren't for the occasional pauses between her words and the bandages on her arm, she would have passed as a perfectly healthy soldier.
She finally looked over towards Erwin, the both of them catching each other gazes for a short few seconds before she saw his eyes trail down at bandage on her arm.
Mike worriedly frowned. "Still, you should re—"
"Leave us."
The sudden command caused Mike to stop as he turned to Erwin, who was still intently staring at Isanna from across the room with an unreadable gaze. A heavy silence dropped in the office, and Mike swore he could feel the tension slowly rising the longer the two stared at each other.
He was then reminded of the last time the three of them were in the same room with tension in the air. Four years ago, when he witnessed their full-blown argument.
The memory didn't make him feel any better.
"Erwin, she's—"
"I said leave us," he repeated, not breaking eye contact with her. "I would like to speak with her. Alone."
Alone, he said.
His voice was lower than usual, which left for no room for refusal. And, if you knew him well enough, it was also a big "Uh oh."
Mike sighed, already imagining how their conversation would go for the next minutes.
Standing from the couch, Mike headed to the door, but not before giving Erwin a look that practically said: "Don't be too harsh on her".
He then patted Isanna by the shoulder before he walked past her, sending sent one last wary glance at the two, before he closed the door with a soft thud.
Then, there was silence in the room.
Isanna didn't want to back down from his stare, so she returned it with equal intensity as she waited for him to break the silence.
Erwin silently stood up and circled around his desk, leaning against the edge as his eyes went back at her bandaged arm. He returned his eyes to her face, and Isanna swore she felt a brief electrifying spark of intimidation at the intensity of his gaze.
"Come here."
"I will accept any repercussions for my insubordination. So just give me your punishment and I'll be done with it."
"That won't be necessary. Come here."
"I said I'll—"
"Do not make me repeat myself for the third time, Sergeant."
She bit her tongue to refrain from quipping back, knowing she shouldn't push her luck. She took one look at his face and instantly knew it.
He was furious.
He had never been this mad at her before—even back then at their disagreement. Hell, she never remembered an instance where Erwin had gotten mad at her, not even when she accidentally spilled water on his history books when they used to be kids.
Guess her disobeying orders really set him off.
Steadying her breathing, Isanna walked over in long strides and stopped just a few steps in front of him. His intimidating stare that never took its eyes away from her didn't help, and if it had been anyone else, they would have already shrunk back from him.
"You should know well that I do not tolerate insubordination," he said.
No shit.
"I was, uh, worried about Eren."
"I didn't ask what prompted you to disobey." Erwin's icy gaze was unwavering. "I appointed you as the second-in-command because aside from your strength, I have faith in your decision-making. You may be higher in rank than the others, but never forget," he paused, stressing the last part, "you are still under me in terms of authority."
"I—"
"I am well aware of your capabilities, but you should never overestimate yourself."
Something inside her snapped after that. Isanna balled her good fist and—quite stupidly—decided to push her luck and glared at him. "I didn't.. overestimate my skills. Yes, I disobeyed your orders, but.. I did it to help Levi rescue Eren. And we did."
"And you sustained injuries because of your carelessness."
"I wasn't being careless! I was protecting someone!"
Erwin wanted to say something else, but his eyes flitted down to her arm and he remembered her current condition. He didn't want to stress her even more, especially since the continual pauses in her speech was worisome. It was most likely due to the concussion, as per Levi's report. He hoped it wasn't permanent.
Two days of her being bedridden, and here they were, already arguing. This was not what he envisioned for their talk to go down.
Erwin sighed. "Apologies. Please, let's not get.. overly heated."
Unfortunately, Isanna didn't get the memo.
"I'm not yelling!" She realized the irony of her statement and she paused for a split second. A stressing, sharp pain throbbed in her head and she released a quiet hiss, shooting up a hand to press on her temple.
Erwin was alarmed. He stepped forward with a hand raised towards her, but she backed away and slapped his hand.
"I'm fine."
Glancing at his hand, Erwin clenched his jaw but told himself to keep it together. He curled his fingers into a loose fist, pushing back the sinking dread and hurt at how she recoiled from him, especially when she used to be so comfortable to his touch in the past.
He already knew this, but to witness firsthand the extent of how much things changed between them was.. disheartening.
He brought this upon himself.
On the other hand, Isanna was aware that her blunder in the 57th expedition was entirely on her. But all reasoning seemingly flew from her head because another part of her was venting out at him for entirely different reasons.
Reasons that were much more personal.
She clicked her tongue. "Anyway.. I got injured because I was protecting someone. So.. I wasn't being careless."
"Levi could have handled the situation by himself," he softly said. "Isanna, had our enemies been stronger.." His voice drifted away in the first few seconds. His face lightly grimaced, as if he was thinking about something unpleasant.
".. You could have died."
The edge in his voice did not go unnoticed by her. Isanna blinked at the stiff frown in his expression, and now that she got a better look at him, she soon realized his frustration wasn't because he was mad at her disobeying orders.
He was mad because she got hurt.
But instead of calming down, it only angered her even more.
".. Died?" she scoffed. "Me? Dying? So what? Since when did you care?"
The question caught even Erwin off-guard.
"You didn't bat an eye when you.. sent those civilians to their deaths. You don't even bat an eye every time you order your men to die out on the field. What makes me any different? What happened to being the heartless asshole?"
When he didn't answer, Isanna prodded even further, not knowing that with every spiteful word she was throwing was pricking at Erwin from the inside.
"If things went like that, then it's probably for the better! I should've.. I should've died then! What difference would it make? All you'd lose.. is another soldier among the many piles of corpses you threw away!"
"That's not—"
"Maybe then, I'd get to pay back my sins for sacrificing all those lives back then. And unlike some heartless people out there, I care! But what about you?"
"I do care."
"Then fucking act like it!"
A string of silence rolled in the heat of the moment. The tension that had been constantly building higher between them the past few years had finally erupted, and raw emotions were once again bursting forward, just like the last time.
"Am I wrong?" she spat.
Erwin averted his gaze from her and could feel a familiar sting in his chest. He thought about the countless accusations he had received from the victims' families every time their loved one didn't return in an expedition, he thought about the two hundred and fifty thousand refugees he had led to their deaths four years ago, he thought about the corpses that he had no choice but to abandon, and he thought about the soldier who had accused him of not possessing even the basic human feelings.
He was no stranger to these accusations. He had received so many throughout his five years as a commander, and he had grown accustomed to it to the point that even he himself started believing it.
But he would be lying if he said it never affected him.
Erwin knew this was the weight he had to shoulder as a commander. He was not allowed to show his weaknesses, he was not allowed to crack under the responsibility, he was not allowed to falter, because it was his job to stand firm with his head held high no matter what.
Because if he faltered, then who would the other soldiers look up to? Who would lead his men?
Who else if not him?
He thought he had already steeled himself enough, but to hear those sharp words come from Isanna managed to hit him in unexpected places.
He clenched his jaw, still not having the heart to look at her. Again, he thought. They were fighting again, and he was reminded of their last fight. He hated that memory. He hated it so much that he couldn't even afford to look at her in the eye back then while saying all those hurtful things.
Because he knew himself enough that if he had looked any longer at the pained expression she wore that time, he would have faltered.
And Commander Erwin Smith was never supposed to falter.
"You don't understand—"
"Then let me understand you, god damn it!"
Isanna stepped closer and grabbed the front of his uniform to push him back, shoving him further against the edge of his desk. The shove caused a few stacks of paper to shuffle down from the table, cluttering to the floor in a heap of mess.
Her shoulder was hurting and her head was throbbing, but she didn't care. It just fueled her anger.
"You're treating our years of friendship like shit, and it pisses me off!"
Erwin tightened his jaw, her fit and words of rage hitting him like a slap to the face.
Because she was right. Years of companionship had suddenly gone down the drain for the last four years, all because of a disagreement. But for Erwin, it wasn't just because of a disagreement.
There was another reason—a more personal one—that prompted him to wedge a distance between them.
After that outburst, Isanna willed herself to calm down. "Look at me."
He didn't.
"Erwin.. look at me."
Isanna noted the stiffness in his face, trying to avoid her piercing stare, but she wasn't going to let him. The way he was deeply frowning told her he seemed to be in the middle of an inner conflict, one she was far more ignorant of.
Whatever he was fighting with himself, he looked like he reached a decision, since he finally turned to look at her.
Their eyes locked, their breathing syncing with one another at the close proximity of their faces.
Isanna loosened her coiled fist around his collar.
"You're always.. bottling everything. You idiot. Is being an emotionless prick all that there is in being a commander?"
He caught the pain in her eyes, and he felt even worse knowing that he was the cause of it.
"I thought we were.."
Her voice trailed off as she searched for the right word.
".. I thought we were.. friends. I thought you trusted me enough to tell me anything."
A long silence followed after that, her words hanging in the air and weighing down above them as they continued to hold each other's gazes.
Then, a shaky sigh left Erwin's lips. "There.. does not go by a day, where I do not think about all the lost lives because of my decisions."
His sudden confession caught Isanna momentarily speechless as she registered the way his face faltered for just a fraction of a second, allowing a tiny piece of emotion to show through. And for a moment, he didn't seem like Commander Erwin Smith.
At that moment, he was just Erwin.
He sighed again and willed himself to look at her right in the eye.
"I'm sorry."
Another bout of silence passed by between them after his apology.
"I'm.. remorseful for all the deaths. I'm well aware that nothing could ever justify what I've done, so I don't expect to be forgiven for that. The only thing left for me is to take accountability for my decisions, and that is exactly what I plan on doing." In hell, someday, he thought.
"I.. do care about the lives of others.. more than you realize," he continued, all signs of frustration in his voice gone, now replaced with exhaustion. "That is why.. should anything happen to you, I'd—" he stopped himself when he realized where this was going.
He subtly bit on his lip. All his resolve was slowly crumbling away the longer he stared into her eyes, and he resisted the urge to pull her in and do something he had been wishing on doing for a while now.
Although the urge was getting stronger.. and stronger..
Isanna noticed his hesitation. "You'd what?"
Erwin lifted a tentative hand to her face, still hesitant to touch her, afraid that she would back away from him again.
When Isanna made no move, he pressed his palm against the side of her face, gently caressing her cheek with a calloused thumb.
An unexplainable amount of relief surged through him when she didn't back away from his touch this time.
"Should anything ever happen to you.. I'd resent myself more than I already have."
His eyes trailed at the bandages on her and he began inwardly blaming himself.
"Forgive me, for the pain I've caused you.. I'm so—"
Maybe Isanna could have done something sweeter, like give him a hug or maybe even a peck on the cheek (*cough* or lips *cough*) and profess her undying love for him as a token of their reconciliation. Instead, she punched him in the gut.
When he bended down with a grunt, Isanna wrapped her good arm behind his neck and half-embraced him, the sudden gesture catching Erwin in a mild surprise. He wondered how she could still pack a punch despite her injury.
"You're a fucking idiot," she whispered into the crook of his neck, ignoring the small throb that followed after her punch. "And the punch was necessary before I accept your apology."
Erwin took a short pause, his hands hovering just a bit over her waist, a bit hesitant, until he caved in and gingerly held her frame; he was mindful of her injuries, making sure he wasn't hugging her too tight.
"Yes," he muttered quietly as he took in her scent. "I deserved that."
It was then did he realize that that was the first time they ever had a heartfelt conversation in years. And it was also the first time in a long while that he had held her so intimately.
They stayed in that position for a while, basking in the hug and enveloped in each other's warmth, something they never got to share in the last few years.
A knock came from the door.
"Commander, two cadets would like to speak with you. They say it's urgent."
At the muffled voice, the both of them pulled back from the hug (that was a bit longer than necessary), with Isanna taking a quick step to the side to give some 'professional distance' between them while she heard Erwin clear his throat.
She glanced at the mess of papers on the floor beside the desk and realized a problem.
Erwin called for them to enter, and when the door to the office opened, Isanna turned around to see Mikasa and Armin being led inside by a senior soldier.
As quick as the wind, Isanna used the sole of her boot to swipe the piles of papers underneath the desk. She then tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear and tried to look casual.
Luckily, nobody noticed. Except for Erwin.
Once inside the office, the two cadets stood side by side and saluted at their superiors, before Erwin nodded and motioned for them to lower their salutes.
Mikasa looked at Isanna and chewed the inside of her cheeks as she saw the bandages on her. She wanted to apologize then and there, but the presence of others held her back; she reminded herself to apologize when they were alone.
As Erwin asked for their business, Isanna noted the look of hesitancy in Armin's eyes. He glanced down briefly, but when he lifted them back up, she could see the glint of determination in them.
"We have an idea about the female titan's identity."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A/N: erwin is a very complex character and tbh i have a hard time writing him sometimes (most of the time actually) because i just can't seem to read his mind (i love him nonetheless)
but if there's one thing im sure of, it's that he's not as heartless as isa thinks he is, and that he does have a guilty conscience deep inside for all the blood on his hands
on that happy note, they finally (sorta) reconciled! YAY! it took 14 long chapters and a lot of drama, but i guess that counts as one step forward, i guess?
as for that awaited kiss/confession let's stretch our patience just a bit more bc i live for drama lmao and thanks for reading this lengthy author's note