I never saw myself becoming a single parent. I don't know how many people actually plan that for themselves. When it happens, either by choice or by unexpected powers that be, you're forced into a whole new realm of survival. The hours of sleep needed dwindle as your body adjusts to a whole new schedule. Routine becomes absolutely necessary. Things need to be thought out and lists are a freaking life saver. I have post-its and phone reminders for everything. Without it, I don't think I would know where to go when. There's just too much ground to cover.
Today is another doozy. I am currently at the store grabbing a few essentials for the week. Once I'm done here, I promised Mia I would take her to the park. At some point I need to start looking for a second job as well as continue to look for a place to rent. I know places around here go fast, especially the kind of places I can afford. The problem is that if I don't have that second job lined up, then I don't think I'll be in any position to jump on the perfect place when it arrives.
Somewhere between all of that I need to catch up on the laundry that's been adding up the last two weeks. I can never seem to keep up with it all. Just when I think I've made it to the bottom of the basket, it's nearly halfway full again. I thought between just Mia and me it wouldn't be that bad, but now that dance is in the picture along with beach trips and park days, she's always changing into something different. I guess I need to work laundry into the routine. I'm sure I can place a post-it for that somewhere.
I turn down the bath aisle, grabbing the soap that Mia likes. I should say, the soap that her skin likes. Finding just the right soap that doesn't dry out her skin or cause splotchy rashes was quite the adventure. I didn't even know there were so many options and varieties of sensitive soaps. I've tried a lot of them too. This is the only one that seems to work. As I turn to head onto my next list item, I hear my name shouted from the other end of the aisle.
"Amber? Amber Jenkins?"
I slowly close my eyes at the mention of my maiden name. I knew coming home meant I would see people I knew, but I don't know if you're ever ready to run into someone from high school. I open my eyes, pushing a smile on my face as I turn to look at the person who yelled my name. When I look up, I see her red hair first. There's a small wash of relief at seeing who it is.
"Trina?" I ask, with a genuine smile taking over now. Trina was one of my closest friends in high school. When I left for college, we kept in touch, but when I decided to disappear from the drama of my twin, I just kind of let everything else fade away too.
She takes a step down the aisle, coming closer now. "I can't believe it. Are you visiting?"
This is what I wanted to avoid. That awkward conversation, explaining that I'm home. That I didn't quite make it out there in the real world.
"Uh, no. I actually moved back."
"No shit?" she smiles, and I can't help but laugh at the older woman now glaring in our direction. Trina never was one to bite her tongue, or keep her voice down.
"Yeah. I moved back about two months ago."
"Mom, can we get Frosted Flakes?" a young boy shouts from the end of an aisle.
My eyes glance over her shoulder to see a red headed boy holding up a blue box. Beside him is a smaller version of himself along with an even smaller boy.
"Yes, get whatever you want," she shouts back, earning another stare from the woman beside us. Trina catches the side glance and turns her attention toward the woman. "Can I help you?"
The confrontation makes me nervous, so I look away. I'm glad when the woman doesn't respond and chooses to walk in the opposite direction. Trina doesn't seem to mind the moment.
"Those are my boys, Andrew, Will, and Lucas. I've got one more at home with Owen."
I can't help but smile. She had Andrew right out of high school. A surprise pregnancy. Her and Owen dated throughout high school. I always envied the love that they had. They chose to go to the same college to stay together. I know high school romance rarely makes it beyond senior year, but I knew theirs would go the distance. I'm glad to see that four kids later, they're still making it work.
"You've got four kids now? Wow, I've missed so much."
"Yep, all about two years apart. I've pretty much had a kid attached to my boob the last ten years of my life," she relents so openly.
I personally wouldn't know the struggle of that. I tried with Mia. I tried everything. Old wives' tales, midwives, mommy groups and blogs. Nothing worked. Vince made sure to make it clear it was my fault though. I could have drank more water, changed my diet, again. I blamed myself for a long time for not being able to give that to her. I still do, to be honest. There's something about not being able to provide that for your child, when they're literally starving in your arms and your body can't produce what they need, that makes you feel inadequate. I know that's not the case, I've been told plenty of women don't breast feed, but I still have that voice in my head telling me I could have tried harder.
I force a laugh before changing the subject. "How is Owen?"
Her face lights up, making me smile. "Same Owen. He owns a restaurant in town, so he's always working. But it has allowed me to stay home with the boys. Sometimes I think I'm losing my mind with all the testosterone surrounding me, but I'm surviving."
"Mom, Lucas needs to use the bathroom," the oldest, Andrew, shouts from the end of the aisle again.
"Okay, one sec," she yells back without turning from me. "Duty calls," she smiles. "Look, we need to get together. Catch up. Let me see your phone."
She reaches out and I unlock the screen before placing it in her hand. She clicks a few things then passes it back.
"I text myself, so now you have my number too," she smiles again before racing off in the direction of her boys.
Having friends hasn't been a huge part of my life lately. Having my family hound me from 3,000 miles away about leaving my husband was enough for me. Having to constantly come up with the facade of the picture perfect family to a group of people during happy hour just became too much. Disappearing from all outside connections was just easier.
Talking to Trina again, though, felt nice. She doesn't know my current life choices. She doesn't know my day to day struggles the past few years. She knows the girl who used to paddle out to the cove and catch the rays of the sun without potential tan lines. The girl who used to sneak out past curfew to surf on a full moon or go on spontaneous road trips just to see her favorite band perform 300 miles away. The girl she used to know is the very girl I'd love to be again. I don't know if it's possible with everything that's happened lately, but maybe this is a place to start.
I make a note to make sure her number doesn't just become another contact. This time I actually plan to reach out, to allow myself to have friends again. Or friend. Sometimes it's hard to remind myself that it's okay to start living again, that I'm not trapped within the walls of that house anymore. It's okay to make a decision on my own, without asking permission or sorting through potential consequences.
After finishing my list and putting everything away into its proper place at home, I throw in a load of laundry and follow through on my promise.
I'm currently soaking in the warmth of the sun along with the slight breeze picking up a few strands of hair. It feels nice to just sit, watching Mia run across the playground. If only I could turn off the list that keeps managing to grow in my mind. So many things to get done before Monday rolls around again.
"Fresh air sure is nice, isn't it?" the man beside me says, interrupting my thoughts. I shift my eyes to my right to acknowledge his words as he leans his face back toward the sun.
I smile at the simple joy he has found in today. "It is," I respond, even though I haven't actually taken a moment to notice the beauty.
"I used to spend my whole day outside as a kid. It's all we had. Fresh air and our imagination," he says with his eyes still closed to the brightness.
I've heard that sentiment a hundred times. I don't disagree with it, I just know what he's getting at. I guess I can play along. "I know what you mean. Kids don't always get out as much anymore, do they?"
He slowly lowers his face and turns it to me now. I take in the deep lines around his eyes showing that he's lived a good life full of laughter. The grey hairs peeking out from his flat cap feather around his leathered skin. Skin that proves his love for the outdoors.
"No they don't," he agrees. "I had to get my granddaughter out here to the park, let her run around outside for a bit and just enjoy nature, you know?"
Another smile spreads along my face. "Do you bring her here often?"
He looks away, checking the playground before giving me an answer. "When I can," he replies shortly. "How about you? I can't say that I've seen much of you around here. And I know I would remember a pretty face like yours."
His kind words result in a small chuckle from my tinted cheeks. I've never been one to respond well to attention, well not lately. "I actually moved here recently. Well, moved back."
There is a newfound interest in his eyes now. It's genuine, heartwarming. "Is that so? May I ask where from?"
"New York," I answer immediately. Something I don't so comfortably do. Talking about myself is never comfortable. It means I have to let people in, watch what I say, portray something normal and happy. "I went there for college and never really came back. Not until recently," I add, feeling a sense of ease in sharing more with him.
"Ah, New York. The Big Apple. You know, I've never been much of a city man myself." He smiles more so to himself as he glances back out toward the playground.
"Oh no?" I question before following his eyes out to the slide where Mia is now playing with a young girl whose dirty blonde head of hair and similar outfit to Mia's actually has me doing a double take.
"No," he reiterates before turning back to me. "Country living was always my dream. A farm, a family, just working with my hands. Making money from the land I lived on. That was always the plan."
I meet his eyes again, "What changed? I wouldn't necessarily call this city living, but I don't know that the ocean is the farm life you were searching for."
He chuckles now, seeming to reminisce about something. "No. No, the ocean most definitely is no farm. But it's still where I found my dream," his smile brightens.
I nod, gathering where he is going. "What's her name?"
"Susan," he beams. He's been in a good mood this whole moment, but watching the gleam in his eyes at the mention of her name added a whole new lightness to him.
"How did you two meet?" I can't help but match his joy in my smile.
He leans his head back, closing his eyes to the sun again. He stays like that for a moment, almost replaying it all in his head. There's a smile on his face, one that seems so true. I give him the moment, letting him soak in all of the glee.
When his head finally comes forward, he takes a breath before looking back at me with that same exuberant smile. "My family used to vacation here every summer. They enjoyed the small town and the beach. I liked it too, even though a couple weeks here each summer was always more than enough for me."
I understand where he is coming from. When I was younger, I always loved my small town, but I also always wanted out. I wanted something bigger, something I thought would be better. I think we always want what we don't have. Leaving this place made me realize how much I actually needed it, craved it. It's home.
"You know," he grins. "I was a real gentleman in my time. I would never ask a lady on a date without her father's permission. I would also never dare court a girl that didn't fancy me too. I wasn't for chasing and all that. But one summer I found myself meandering along the cliffs, taking in the beauty and fresh air of the ocean coast when I landed my eyes on the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. I knew right away she was out of my league. I knew I should have kept walking and let her enjoy the rest of her afternoon, but there was just something about her. Something that had me feeling nervous, anxious. Something that had me getting all worked up for reasons that were unclear to me at the time."
That instant attraction warms my heart. He didn't know what it all meant, but his heart did, his body was reacting before he even knew what was happening. "So did you talk to her?"
He laughs at my question, shaking his head. "Heavens no. She was way too good for a small farm town boy like me. But I'll tell you what I did do," he leans forward now, allowing his whole body to join in the excitement of the story. "I continued to walk those cliffs at the same time each day, just hoping to see her."
That is just about the sweetest thing I have ever heard. He had this pull toward her, something he didn't quite know how to act on, but what he did know was that he had to see her. "And did you see her?" I am on the edge of my seat now, completely invested in his love story.
"I sure did. I just couldn't seem to get her out of my head. I never once talked to her, but she found a way to remain in my thoughts. Until one day, when a fateful gust of wind blew her scarf into a tree just on the edge of a cliff. I knew that was my shot. I knew I would risk my life for an excuse to talk to that enchanting girl by the water."
I chuckle at what he is getting at. "I'm assuming your heroic act worked?"
"Sure did," he beams with pride. "Although, it wasn't until a few years ago that she finally told me she let that scarf go on purpose. I guess she was showing up to that cliff the same reason I was all of those days."
His story gives me so much pleasure yet at the same time brings me a sense of emptiness, making me see that the love story I once thought I was living wasn't one of actual happiness and warmth. What I have experienced wasn't something I would think back to as a fateful encounter, one that would have me smiling to the skies. The thought of that, of knowing what I thought was my happily ever after is nothing more than a troubled past has me shifting uncomfortably.
"How long have you two been together?" I ask, detouring my own spiralling thoughts.
"We would have just had our forty-eighth anniversary last month," he smiles with a glisten in his eye.
The words would have are not lost on me. "She sounds like an amazing woman."
"She was. She was my light," he's quiet again, letting the joy of the memory fill all the air between us.
I close my eyes in that moment, pulling my head back slightly to take in the warm rays of the sun. To just feel the simple joy of life as this man has so kindly shown me.
"I think we let life pass us by sometimes," he begins again, but I keep my eyes closed, letting his wisdom fall over me. "I think sometimes we move through it so fast that we forget to stop and enjoy the things that make us happy. The small moments that stick with us and give us peace, love, merriment. Those are the things we need to spend more time focusing on. Not the stress and fast pace of it all. It's the small moments that will always stick with you. The things that will still bring a light to your life even after they're gone."
I slowly lift my head, opening my eyes as I turn to look at him now. What he doesn't know is how badly I needed to hear that right now. I feel like lately all I have been doing is running. Running from a past I don't want to define me, running from one errand to the next to make sure everything is prepared, running to find another job in order to run to another home. I haven't taken the time to explore the things that have made me smile lately.
My eyes leave his as I look at Mia. She's laughing as her arms lift into the air as she races down the slide. When she hits the bottom, she springs up, jogging back around to do it again. Her joy is evident. She's been laughing every single day since we've come home. Yeah, I've been working a lot, yeah I still have a lot of things to get done, but she's happy. That was the goal. This moment here, the moments with my family, this is why I'm here.
I've also found moments of my own happiness here and there. They've been far and few between, but they've been there. Eating dinner with my family, spending weekends with my brother, random water fights, and just getting back on the water to surf. In the recollection of moments that have calmed me, reminded me that happiness is here, those blue eyes flash across my vision. I don't know why they're there, I don't know why I feel warmth inside me thinking about them, but what I do know is that in our small interactions, he does bring me joy. Tommy gives me confidence to speak my mind, to carry on a conversation without fear of saying the wrong thing, and that, that's the one thing I've been aching for the most. The ability to be myself again.
So even though I've been running, I think I've finally begun to plant my feet. The smile that's been on my face only widens at that thought as my mind begins thinking about the beach. Wondering if it's possible to run into him again. I slowly turn my eyes to the man beside me. "Thank you. I'm Amber by the way," I say.
His eyes leave the playground before meeting mine, forming a similar smile on his face now. "You're welcome, Amber. I'm Neil," he reaches out a hand and I gladly shake it. "Thank you for listening to an old man like me. You'd be surprised how many people don't stop to pay attention to the details."
"Well, anytime you want to talk, I want to listen."
His smile only widens.
Yeah, I think I've definitely made my way back home.