Numb.
That's how Taehyung felt.
Sitting on top of the snow-covered Gwanaksan Mountain, he couldn't even feel the tiniest bit of cold in this freezing weather. His heart had frozen over, the same as the land around him, and all he could do was stare at the view in front of him.
He could see the city from up here; the brightly lit streets and the residents full of life. Even though the people looked no bigger than the tiniest specks of dust from the distance, he knew they were enjoying their life to the fullest. They were aware of how short life could be, and they had decided to not let a moment of it go to waste.
He used to be like those people.
Taehyung once had a smile that could melt anybody's heart in an instant. It would start out slow, the corners of his lips would turn down into a smirk before stretching into a beautiful rectangle, and his eyes would reduce to the smallest of crescents—to the point where tiny wrinkles would appear when he laughed too hard.
It had been months since anybody last saw that smile.
Growing up, he rarely had a reason to smile at all. Before they came along, that is. It all changed when they came into his life, filling the void in his heart like a key to a lock. The perfect match.
But as fate would have it, once again, he had been robbed of all joy.
He never understood why the threads of his life were woven this way. No matter how long his ecstasy lasted, it was never permanent. Even before any of this happened he hadn't been happy for a long time. But right now, it was worse than ever.
Because he missed them.
He missed how Hoseok would always have a solution for everything; the perfect advice.
"I don't know what to do anymore." Taehyung sank lower into the chair, bringing both hands to his head and tugging at his hair in frustration. Things had been getting worse.
Hoseok just smiled, plopping down next to him. "You know you're just overthinking, Tae. Everyone's still the same... just in a different situation. You'll see that; it's gonna take a while, but you'll get there. Just don't do anything rash. We're worried about you."
The older man's words had never failed to calm Taehyung. He could be a mess of emotions but Hoseok would somehow always find a way to make him feel better.
"Time is the key. Be patient," he had said.
And Taehyung had listened. Like every other time, Taehyung had believed his friend's words. For countless days he had been patient, waiting for things to go back to normal. He had forced himself to smile, thinking that if he did it enough maybe he would start believing it was real. That his happiness was real.
But for the first time... Hoseok had been wrong. Nothing would ever be the same again.
Unlike the stillness of the air around him, Taehyung's mind was in a state of complete chaos, flooding with memories of their early days. He couldn't remember the exact moment they had all befriended each other, but it was like the universe had just placed them together.
Outside their little bubble, the world was filled with people who looked down upon them; who steered clear of them because they couldn't understand them.
And that was okay, because they understood each other.
At the very beginning, it had been just the three of them. Taehyung, Namjoon and Yoongi. Back in the day, the trio had actually managed to make the people around them jealous of how they always had each other's backs. They'd spent countless nights sneaking around, getting into trouble and having fun, just the three of them.
Until one day when Jungkook came along. That's when they became four.
Taehyung still remembered how the young boy was so afraid of everything when he first met them. He had been so nervous, so terrified of his new surroundings.
Yoongi and Taehyung met in the corridor the second they heard about the new boy. "How about we sneak into his room at night and..."
Taehyung immediately shook his head at Yoongi's suggestion. "What if he freaks out and wakes everybody up? We're gonna get in trouble again. Let's just go up to him, right now."
"Hey, you." Yoongi's voice boomed as soon as they neared the kid. "What's your name?" Taehyung could barely hold back his laughter as his friend put on his scary face. Poor kid.
"J-Jungkook."
"Jungkook what?"
"Jeon Jungkook, S-Sir."
When the boy stuttered, Taehyung couldn't control himself anymore and let a small snort escape him causing Yoongi to break character too. But the smiles were quickly wiped off their faces when they saw tears welling up in Jungkook's eyes.
It was at that moment that they decided to take the kid in and make him a part of their little family. Jungkook had softened their hearts; he made the trio want to trust people again. If it wasn't for him, Taehyung would never have been able to complete his family.
In fact, it was thanks to the boy that they met the other three at all.
Once, they had found Jimin trying to pick on Jungkook and they had been ready to fight him tooth and nail. But Jimin wasn't alone either. Hoseok and Jin had stepped in for him, trying to solve things... and that was it.
Starting that day, the seven of them were inseparable.
They knew they were damaged. Like every other human being on this planet, those boys had skeletons in their closets and a tiny box of horrors locked up in a corner of their brains. But that's exactly why they'd worked—they were aware of their flaws and helped each other overcome them.
It was like Namjoon had always said—the seven of them were in a boat. And even though they faced different directions, each facing a different horror, they were still headed to the same place, the same goal.
But, somehow, the six of them reached the shore without Taehyung. Somehow, they left him behind.
After a decade of loneliness and negligence, those boys had come into Taehyung's life like a rainbow on a stormy day. The time he had spent with them was the most alive he had ever felt.
Until it all went wrong, and they left just as quickly as they had come.
Taehyung laid back on the snow, still unbothered by the iciness biting into his skin through the thin material of his shirt. His mind wandered to a different place now...
Jimin couldn't stop smiling the entire day, neither could anybody else. They all seemed so happy for him, all except for one.
"So... you're going away." Taehyung's whisper could barely be heard over the celebratory shouts of the others, but Jimin's attention was focused on him the entire time; he couldn't bear to see his best friend so upset.
"Don't say it like that! It's not like we're never gonna see each other again." Jimin brought his arms around Taehyung and leaned his head on the boy's shoulder. "I'm gonna visit."
"That's exactly what Namjoon said when he left. And when was the last time you saw him, huh?" It was Namjoon last month, and now it's Jimin. How many more people was he going to lose?
Right on cue, as if reading his thoughts, Jimin spoke up, "I'm not gonna leave you. I promise."
Promise. The word no longer held any meaning to Taehyung. Because, just like Jimin, all of them had promised him their friendship, and all of them had broken it.
While the rest of them fixed themselves and moved on with their lives, Taehyung fell back into the same darkness, the same solitude. Even deeper than before. He couldn't escape even if he wanted to.
Everyday meet-ups turned to weekly visits which turned to one hour a month.
That wasn't how things were supposed to be. That wasn't how they were supposed to be.
Maybe if Taehyung had handled it differently, he wouldn't have driven them away. But what else was he supposed to do? Everyone kept repeating the same thing over and over again.
"It's just a matter of time."
But it wasn't. Minutes felt like hours and hours felt like days. At one point, he couldn't even tell day and night apart. The loneliness had been driving him even more crazy.
Every conversation he had with them, had been getting worse than the last. The last time he talked to Jin had been the worst of them all...
"Taehyung, you're overreacting! Calm down."
"Am I, Jin? Am I really?" Taehyung shouted back at the man, anxiously pacing around his room. "You think I don't know what all of you have been doing? You guys have been avoiding me! Do I look like a fucking idiot to you?"
"That's not tr—"
"Oh, isn't it? Because last time, Yoongi just so happened to mention how happy Hoseok is that everyone takes the time to attend all of his showcases. I don't remember being invited to a fucking showcase!"
"Please, calm down," Jin pleaded, worriedly looking at the fuming boy who was wildly hurling his belongings around the room; now grabbing hold of a photo frame. A photo frame with their picture in it. "You know you can't c—"
"Don't ask me to calm down! First you refuse to come back, you refuse my offer and then you completely cut me out of your lives. I mean, for fuck's sake, look at yourself. You won't even come inside the bloody door!" Taehyung threw the frame across the room, pieces of glass flying everywhere as it fell to the floor.
He grabbed a handful of random objects before Jin could even get a word in, throwing them against the wall with every word. "Just go away. Get the fuck away from me!"
None of them came to visit after that.
And now, there he was, laying here alone, miles away from civilization, holding the stupid picture in his hand. The more Taehyung thought about that day, the faster the numbness faded away. He could feel the last strand of his sanity stretching thin, threatening to snap any moment.
The snow was finally biting into his skin, the frostiness delving deep inside, to the point it set his entire body ablaze. He tried getting back up, but every time a muscle in his body twitched, it felt like a thousand needles stabbing into him at once.
In the end he just gave up and rolled onto his side, the weight of these past few days crashing down on him.
Dead.
They were all dead.
The last six days had been absolute torture. It hadn't even been a week since the incident and he already missed them so much. He was torn between resenting them, being angry at them and not wanting to feel anything at all. Why did things have to turn out this way?
Tears started streaming down his face as the reality hit him.
He finally allowed himself to cry. Heart-wrenching sobs left him, making his entire body shake from the intensity. He didn't care how loud his cries were, nobody up here would hear him anyway. It's why he chose this hill in the first place. He just hadn't been able to get away from people the entire week.
The boy tried to get a better look at the photo in his hand, despite his blurry vision. Every time his eyes dried a little, he would get a better glimpse of the image, and fresh tears would instantly replace the old ones.
It was an image of the seven of them, taken in Taehyung's room, a day before they received the news about Namjoon leaving.
Jin had been teasing Jungkook as usual that day which led to the younger boy attacking him with the object nearest to him—a pillow. Jin had been quick to dodge the incoming blow and the pillow ended up hitting Yoongi instead. Pretty soon, it turned into a full-blown pillow fight.
The remaining four boys laughing in the corner of the room weren't spared either.
By the time someone came to check in on them, the entire room was covered in feathers and stuffing, along with the boys themselves. They had received quite a scolding, having to clean everything up by themselves. And they did do that, but not before capturing that beautiful moment.
The picture was snapped at the perfect moment. Namjoon and Taehyung were engaged in a game of tug-of-war; both holding either ends of the same pillow. Jimin was caught mid-laugh, lying on the floor, with his arms and legs up in the air in attempts to defend himself, while Yoongi and Hoseok stood over him, attacking him with a pillow in each hand. In the corner of the room, Jin was in the process of falling off a chair, a shocked expression on his face, with Jungkook standing next to him facing the camera, animatedly pointing at Jin with a sly smile on his face.
Everything was without fault.
The joy on all their faces was real, the happiness they'd felt was real.
Taehyung continued laying there, tightly clutching the photograph to his chest, trying to control his quivering body. A few moments later, he was finally able to gather himself and sit back up. The only thought that was able to provide him any comfort at all, was that he could finally end it all today.
No matter how many days or weeks they had to spend apart, no matter how lonely Taehyung felt all this while, it was all going to be okay now.
They could finally be together now.
"This is it. This is what the entire past week has been building up to," he thought to himself, reaching into his pocket with trembling fingers, trying to get a hold of the small object. Grabbing it was more difficult than it should've been. His hands had grown frigid as ice, barely even functioning.
Maybe that was a good thing. Maybe he wouldn't feel any pain this way.
After multiple attempts, he finally managed to trap the cold piece of metal between his thumb and forefinger.
Taking a few deep breaths, he leaned his head back against the tree he was sitting under. His eyes fell upon the objects spilling out from the open bag laying next to him on the white blanket of ice.
Yoongi's camera, Jin's watch and other random objects. The only thing any of them had in common, was that his friends' touch still lingered upon them. They were going to be right here with him in the final moments of his life before he joined them for eternity on the other side.
"I will see you soon." His whisper couldn't even be heard to himself, only to the wind that carried his words away.
Finally, he took a deep breath, closing his eyes shut, and brought the blade to his wrist.
Just one flick of his fingers. Just a small cut. That was all standing between him and his friends now. He applied some pressure, pressing the blade into his skin. His breaths were now coming out faster and shallower, and he wasn't sure if it was due to fear or the lack of oxygen at this altitude.
"Come on, you bastard! You can do this. Do it!" The tiniest drop of blood escaped as the sharp metal finally pierced his skin.
"Coward."
Taehyung's eyes flew open, both hands separating from each other, the blade being pulled away from his wrist.
"What?" He frantically looked around for the source of the voice.
"I said, you're a coward."
"What the fuck?" He immediately jumped to his feet, still holding the metal in his hand, but this time, as a weapon. He winced a little as blood rushed back to his legs, but looked around the clearing nonetheless, for any signs of the intruder. "I am not a coward!"
"You just said you would kill yourself if anything ever happened to any of us."
Taehyung's eyes widened the moment he recognized Yoongi's voice. He fell to his knees, his head pounding as the voices in his head grew louder.
"Yoongi's right, you know." Namjoon leaned forward, placing his elbows on his knees, giving Taehyung that one look of his that screamed concern. "Suicide is a coward's way out. It takes guts to continue living a life that you've given up on, and it takes even more guts to overcome your obstacle and find hope once again."
"But if you guys won't be there..."
"Then what's the point?" Taehyung screamed out, pulling at his own hair in frustration, his tears from earlier returning as he proceeded to cry out into his palms. "I-I wanna be with you guys, please."
Namjoon got up from his bed, now kneeling on the floor in front of the boy. "That's the thing though—we're always gonna be there with you." He leaned in, wiping a couple of tears, and connected his forehead with Taehyung's in an attempt to comfort him. "Besides, what's the rush? It's not like we would go anywhere. We'd just be waiting for you till you finish living your life."
"R-Really?" Young Taehyung managed to sputter out in between sobs, his tear-stained cheeks and swollen lips, flushed red from all the weeping.
"Yes, yes, really," Yoongi spoke from across the room, not wanting to deal with any more of a depressing atmosphere than he already had to. He needed Taehyung to cheer up. "We would wait for you to grow old and die so that we could laugh at your wrinkles in the afterlife." The little boy let out a small chuckle at his older friend's choice of words.
"Now... can we please cut the sentiment, ladies?"
Taehyung bent forward, placing his hands on the icy ground, lowering his head as he continued to cry. He watched his tears freeze and turn to tiny crystals the second they came in contact with the ground. He could hear his heart pounding in his chest, clenching at the same time as he replayed the sound of their voices in his mind.
Wait for you.
His sobbing ceased and these words repeated in his head over and over again till he froze completely.
He looked at the blade in his hand and spoke slowly to himself, as if trying to make sense of the words, "they are going to wait for me...."
It was like a switch had flipped.
He got back on his feet, standing up straight all of a sudden, throwing the metal object away. He backed away from the blade with only one thought in his head—he wasn't a coward.
He needed to get away from here. He needed to go back.
But could he go back? Was it still an option?
Was it ever an option?
Lost for a moment, he hastily wiped his face, wildly pacing around.
"They are going to wait for me," he repeated once again. His quick, albeit aimless, striding was in no way helping to calm the whirlpool of thoughts and emotions inside him.
Somehow, he managed to think rationally and regain his composure, soon coming to the decision that he needed to warm up first. As it was, he would have a tough time covering up the frostbite, he didn't need hypothermia as well.
Looking for a solution, he turned his head to the familiar red blanket that was draped over the ground at a distance, and his mind went over all the possible outcomes. It was definitely going to be difficult—lighting a fire in this weather—but it wasn't impossible.
He rushed to the tree in front of him, grabbing the bottle of kerosene and shovel from next to his bag and immediately set to work. He started shoveling the scarce snow away from around the clothed area, making sure to note that it was dry enough to light up.
The way his body moved right now showed no sign of the weak man from minutes ago who couldn't even lift himself off the ground without breaking apart.
Those three words had triggered something inside of him, and he kept chanting them over and over, growing more conscious with each passing second.
"They are going to wait for me!" he continued chanting his mantra, willing his hands to work faster.
Once he was done with the task at hand, he wasted no time in dousing the entire piece of cloth with the fuel and emptying every last drop from the can onto it.
Standing still for a moment, he assessed the scene before him.
The amount of kerosene should suffice for creating a fire. The contents under the blanket should be fuel enough to keep the fire burning for a while. It was going to be fine.
Hurriedly producing Namjoon's lighter from his pocket and flicking it on, he kneeled down, bringing the flame closer to the corner of the blanket.
And he waited.
The cloth didn't catch fire at first. It took a lot of patience, but after a while, the edge started singeing and eventually produced a small flame of its own.
Once the flame got big enough, it quickly made its way to the entire blanket, finally bringing the desired outcome. Within moments, the intensity of the heat increased so much that Taehyung had to take a step away from the fire.
Staring into the flames, he felt the corners of his lips turn up. It was the smallest of smiles, barely even there, but it was a genuine one. It was the first time in months that he had a reason to smile.
He felt relieved.
Standing there, on top of the mountain, surrounded by the presence of his friends, he felt just as liberated as the orange flames that danced in front of him. He felt like a part of him had been set free; the burden of always feeling the need to chase after others was more or less lifted off his shoulders…
Even though, a part of him still felt the tiniest bit of regret, watching the bodies of his friends burn before him.
He didn't want things to come down to this.
He had tried, he really did.
He had planned it all out.
He had tried convincing the people back at the institute to let his friends back in, but the only response he got was that they were in a better place now. That they were cured and happily living their lives in the outside world. And that he would be able to join them soon, if he just behaved. Nobody took his pleas seriously.
So he killed them.
He killed the people who denied his requests.
And no one even realized that those mindless caretakers had gone missing.
He had cleared the way for his friends to return to the hospital, but even then, they just wouldn't agree. Everybody was bent on trying to run away from him. They wouldn't come visit him, and even if they did, they wouldn't stay around him for more than an hour. Always making up excuses about this rule or that rule.
They had left him with no other choice.
They didn't see how important this bond was; how precious their friendship was. People were lucky if they found even one such friend in a single lifetime, but they had each been blessed with six angels. He did what needed to be done to make sure their relationship would be preserved.
He made sure that no one would ever come between them again. Not even themselves.
But it was different now.
Recalling Yoongi's words made him realize something.
He held the upper hand now.
He didn't have to wait for them anymore. He didn't have to go around begging for their friendship. He didn't have to sit in a room, trapped all alone, looking forward to that one day when any of them would come visit him out of pity.
It was their turn to wait.
It was their turn to be on the receiving end and to realize how it felt. Taehyung would be here, enjoying his life, while they would desperately be waiting for him to complete them.
He could take his time and he could go to them whenever he wanted, and he knew they would be right there, ready for him.
Throwing the lighter into the flames, Taehyung did something that he had almost forgotten how to do—he chuckled.
He chuckled in relief, finding solace in the thought of finally having an escape.
And at that moment, anybody viewing this scene from a distance would've found it beautiful.
His hair slightly bounced as his chuckles turned into laughter, irises no longer visible, with his teeth on full display. The orange hue of the fire complimented him perfectly, making it seem as if his entire being was glowing.
He looked happy.
Anybody would've found it beautiful... except, they wouldn't know the dark truth behind his innocent giggles.
His deep, honey-like voice, now hoarse from crying earlier, echoed in his own ears as he shouted into the wind, "they are waiting for me!"
He was satisfied with this for now. He was satisfied with knowing that there was a way out.
He just didn't have to leave right away.
The fire had reduced significantly by the time he decided to leave that place. Before turning away, he went near the now dying flames and grabbed a fistful of remains from the sputtering fire, bringing them close to his heart.
"I love you guys. Wait for me," he whispered to the ashes before turning his palm up and slowly opening his fist, letting the remainder of his friends slip from between his fingers.
They could not cherish him while they were alive, and so, this was their punishment—they would simply have to cherish him in death.
He was careful not to stain his clothes as he stepped away from the melted snow and dust particles that were once his friends. Quickly rushing to the tree, he packed his bag once again, preparing to head back to the hospital.
He would stay longer to cover his tracks but the nurse would be all up his ass if she noticed he wasn't in his room, and he would never be able to sneak out again.
He wasn't too worried about being found though.
After all, no one had ever caught him and lived to tell the tale.