In the cadets, it was all about submission. We spent three long years being torn down, degraded, and humiliated so they could build an elite soldier from that shell of a person. Maybe I was stubborn, or maybe it was just in my nature to want to beat the system, but it hadn't worked on me. I couldn't decide if it were for better or for worse; I had retained my spirit, but at the cost of any courage they tried to instill in me.
My skills were elite, but my emotional maturity hadn't grown since the day I stormed out of my parents' house after declaring I was going to join the garrison. Nothing changed once I chose the Survey Corps; the need to stay with my friends and the selfish ambitions to be a famous soldier were the only dreams I brought with me to my new assignment. Freedom, a duty to humanity, dedication to a noble cause – you wouldn't find any of that in my heart.
And then he came along.
He saw right through me because I was just like him, but I would only learn that later on. He was fueled by his own selfish goals, but maybe that was how he was able to refine me into an obedient soldier so effortlessly.
Erwin Smith knew how to break me.
I'll never know if this was why I had managed to survive for so long while I watched braver comrades die around me, but there was one thing I was sure of. . . That summer would change me irrevocably.
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I leaned up against the door, pushing my way back into the courtyard.
"Kat! Look at you!" Sanako cried, grabbing my wrists and holding my arms out so she could admire my uniform, "How are you so gorgeous!?"
"You're ridiculous," I told her, rolling my eyes, "it's a soldier's uniform."
She spun around, her green cape fanning out with her long, black hair. "I just love them so much!" she gushed, "My cadet uniform never fit me like this! I feel like a new woman!"
"I'll make you feel like a woman," Fraz muttered lowly, stepping up behind Sakano to wrap his arms around her before she could notice the men approaching. Ben and Ortho followed to join our group as Franz continued to tease Sanako.
"Ew, no," Sanako groaned, giving him a hard shove into our friend Mouse, who had just joined us as her and Fynn stepped up beside Ortho. She shoved him away in turn and I tugged her wrist so that she was standing in front of me and I could throw my arms around her shoulders.
"Watch where you're going," I teased, pouting at Franz, "You're going to hurt our Mouse."
"I was shoved!" he protested, waving his arms at me.
"Recruits!" Squad Commander Andres shouted, making us all jump to attention and pull our fists to our hearts in a solute, "Now that you have received your uniforms, you will get your squad assignments. Remember that this is not a permeant position and that you're not a full scout yet. After your first expedition, it will be determined whether you join the regiment or get shipped off to the garrison. Do you understand?"
"Yes, sir!" we all answered enthusiastically. It was meant to scare us, but the speech only made me more excited. I was ready to stand out from all the other recruits and prove my skill to all the senior soldiers.
"We will be doing formation drills today with your new horse assignments," the captain continued, "You will have an hour to ready your steed and meet with your squad to discuss the plans before we all meet at the norther training grounds."
My stomach flipped; I had originally hated the idea of going into the scouts, but here I was excitedly waiting for my squad assignment so I could go meet the soldiers I would be working with. As names were called, I felt like I would burst if I had to wait another second.
"Captain Smith's squad," Captain Andres continued reading from the paper in his hand, moving on as the previous handful of recruits that were called for Captain Hanji's squad started towards the stables. There was quiet mumbling around me, and I looked over at Ortho and Ben who were the only ones left of our group.
I gave him a questioning look, but before he could reply, my name was called out. "Katchen Roth," the captain said, pausing to look up at us. I stared at him wide eyed, waiting for the rest of the recruits to be called and hoping that I at least had Ortho or Ben with me.
"Alright, last is Captain Mike's squad," Captain Andres called. There were even more whispers and people shot looks over at me until the captain demanded silence. I didn't move, waiting for Ben and Ortho to be called before I headed over to the stables.
"What was that all about?" I asked quietly, hoping no one would hear our conversation, "And why am I alone?"
"I don't know why you're the only one," Ortho shrugged, "But you're on the most famous squad within the Scout Regiment. Erwin Smith's squad hasn't had any deaths since he became Squad Captain two years ago, and rumor has it that he's next in line for Commander."
"That doesn't necessarily mean they're good," I mumbled, following him and Ben to the racks where our saddles were held. I struggled with the heavy saddle; my horse was an unusually large stallion and required special equipment. Not only was I miserable about being the only recruit in my new squad, but I hated that I was assigned to such a big horse when I was such a small girl. All I needed was to stand out even more.
"I've seen them before," Ben interjected, "I don't think it's because they hold back."
"Can I just come with you guys?" I whined, stopping at Ortho's horse and setting down the saddle, "I'm sure no one will notice if there's one more person in your squad. I don't want to be alone with a bunch of veteran soldiers."
"You'll be fine, Kat," Ben assured, placing a hand on my shoulder before walking away to find his horse.
I sighed, the stables starting to thin out as everyone walked out the norther exit to where the squads would be waiting for us. I didn't want to be late, so I hurried over to my horse. His name was Ace, and he was a black stallion who's back landed above my head by a good couple of inches. I had ridden him the two days prior, but both times I had been bucked off by him.
He snorted and stamped the ground as I approached, and I gingerly opened the stable door. Approaching him with the harness, he shook his head around and made it difficult for me to get the straps around his head and chest. I felt like crying; nothing seemed to be going right today, and if this was going to be my position for a while then everyday was going to be one disappointment after the other.
I threw the rest of his gear on haphazardly and walked him out of the stable, wanting to find my squad before I had to spend more time fighting him to secure the saddle and straps. The squads were scattered around the field, and although I didn't know who Captain Smith was, one squad stood out because it didn't have any recruits.
As I went to join them, I could see my recruit comrades talking excitedly with the veterans on their squad. Ortho and Ben's squad leader could be heard shouting from all the way across the field; my heart sank as I approached the stoic group of soldiers that I would call my teammates, and something told me they weren't going to be quite as excited. They were all much older than me, and there wasn't a single female in the group. I approached slowly, watching the two men in front for any kind of reaction as I walked up.
"Can you fucking believe that?!" one of them scoffed, a tall man who was going slightly grey, "Treating me like a goddamn greenhorn!" I didn't know what else to do, so I turned to Ace and started working on fastening the bridle.
"Speaking of greenhorn," the other one muttered, crossing his arms and turning to me, "What the hell are the cadets doing sending people like this to the scouts. Hey girly, non-military personnel aren't allowed on the training grounds, the laundry room is in the basement." He obviously meant it as an insult, considering my uniform and assigned horse, which only served to make my blood boil.
I kept my eyes down, not wanting him to see how angry the comment made me. "I'm a recruit, and I graduated top of my class," I snapped, "I'm the best you got."
That made them burst into laughter, and even the other squad members who were busying themselves smirked or gave breathy laughs.
"Awe man," the other man, a dusty blonde with a sharp jawline and wide shoulders, said, holding his stomach as if it were actually that funny, "The cadets have really gone downhill."
"What's your problem?" I snarled, turning to them, "Is this how you treat new squad mates? How long are you going to keep this up?"
The first guy elbowed his partner. "Actually, I like this one, she's feisty," he smirked, turning to me, "You know, veteran soldier's get their own rooms. If you get tired of sleeping in those hot, cramped barracks, you're welcome in my bed anytime."
I'd rather be eaten," I muttered, turning to face away from them and back towards Ace. I silently begged him to behave, not wanting him to embarrass me in front of these jerks.
"I'm sick of these teenagers," one of them continued, "And now they're lowering the cadet age to 12? Goddess be damned if I have to be on a squad with a bunch of kids."
"You should go fall dead if it bothers you so much," I muttered under my breath.
Suddenly there was a hand on the back of my new uniform, the big fist bunching my cloak, jacket, and shirt to lift me up to his level. I struggled feebly, my toes brushing the ground uselessly. "What did you just say to me, bitch?!" The greying one asked, his spit flying in my face, "I ought to teach you some manners—"
Someone cleared their throat behind me, and suddenly I was being dropped to the ground. I had to grab onto Ace's saddle to catch myself, but he shook me off quickly and I stumbled around to face the new person.
A very large, broad shouldered man stood in front of me, his thick brows hooding his eyes as he starred at all of us sternly. He must have been two heads taller than me, and if I were to guess by the way the soldiers reacted, this was Captain Smith. "Is that how we treat our new squad member, Dallas?" he asked, stepped up next to me.
"She was insulting me!" Dallas shouted, making himself look foolish.
"If you feel threatened by a fresh recruit," Captain Smith continued, "Then I might need to reconsider you in this squad."
Dallas was about to protest, but then he clicked his mouth shut, his jaw clenched hard.
Captain Smith continued, placing a hand on my shoulder and making me blush in embarrassment. "Listen up," he called, catching everyone's attention, "Cadet Katchen Roth is your new squad mate and I expect you to all treat her with the same amount of respect you would give your other comrades. She was not randomly assigned, and with everyone's cooperation, she shall become another irreplaceable team member."
"She's as small as a child," Dallas interjected, crossing his arms. I decided then that I didn't like him, but I would have to work hard to not let his childish insults provoke me.
"Then you could learn a thing or two from the technique she uses to compensate," the captain replied without hesitation, "I don't want to hear any more on the matter, and if you're still going to behave like a child you'll be disciplined as such. Now get into formation and stay there until the command is called or you'll be cleaning the bathrooms for a month."
I swallowed hard; I wasn't sure giving them a lecture would necessarily help me, and I was met with glares as they walked away from us. I didn't think I could feel any more miserable, but somehow, I was here thinking that I should ask for transfer after today's drill. I just wanted to be with my friends right now.
"I'm sorry for my squad," the captain apologized, bowing his head, "They're just miserable because they have to participate in the drills today."
I looked him up and down, wondering if there was some ulterior motive he had for being nice so me. Every other commanding officer I had met was much more serious and colder, but Captain Smith had a warmth in his eyes that I wouldn't have expected from a man of his stature and position. It was admirable; as much as the military emphasized pain and fear for submission, just the kind way he spoke to me made me automatically respect him more. I knew now that he deserved the leadership position; it seemed to come naturally to him.
"I apologize for not properly introducing myself," he continued after I didn't reply, "My name is Erwin Smith, I'm going to be your captain until the next expedition."
"Um, I'm Katchen Roth," I mumbled, hunching my shoulders, "but you already knew that."
"I look forward to working with you Katchen," he said, taking my hand in his and shaking it firmly.
"Uh, you can call me Kat," I stammered, but then realized I probably shouldn't be using that nick name if I wanted to earn their respect.
"Then you can call me Erwin," he replied with a wink, making my stomach flip. Now that we were closer, I could see his features better. He had a hard jawline, large eyebrows, and an angular nose that made him look intimidating, but his warm blue eyes gave away his kind disposition. I normally went for brunettes, but I could see myself liking him.
I cursed myself internally, only realizing now that I had been starring at him without giving any kind of reply. Awkwardly, I turned away from him, trying to hide my embarrassment by fiddling with Ace's gear. Unfortunately, he decided that right now was the time to swing his head over at me and push me using his thick, muscular neck.
I was about to fall to the ground, but a pair of strong, familiar hands grabbed my elbows. I looked over to see the other squad members looking over at me with a mixture of anger and amusement, so I righted myself as quickly as possible. All I needed was to let one of them flirt with me before they stopped seeing me as a soldier.
Erwin reached over and grabbed the haphazardly thrown on reins, adjusting them while placing a firm hand on the side of his neck. "Easy," he muttered, succeeding in calming him down a little. "I'm surprised that you were assigned one of our breeding stallions," he pointed out, "After our drills I'll go talk to Leana about assigning you a smaller ma—"
"No!" I blurted out before I could think about it. Captain Smith's eyebrows shot up, shocked. I didn't want to admit defeat and have everyone see that I couldn't even handle my horse, though as soon as I protested a small part of me wished I hadn't; Fixing at least one problem would have helped my mood, but my stubbornness took over.
I relaxed my face as I realized how pinched and hard it had gotten, I didn't want the captain to think I was glaring at him.
His shock was replaced with a half-smile as he looked at me out of the corner of his eye. Clearly, he could see right through me. "There's that stubbornness I was warned about," he commented quietly as he held the reins out for me to take, his voice filled with mischief.
"Wh—" I stammered in disbelief, "Who said I was stubborn?!"
He only chuckled and turned away to join the rest of his squad. Feeling fiery and upset instead of miserable, I tried to unsuccessfully calm myself down. I struggled up onto Ace, flopping into the harness ungracefully. He must have felt the tension and anger in me, because when I spurred him to start walking towards the squad, he started to shake his head back and forth and stamping the ground.
"Come on, you stupid horse," I muttered as he took steps around at random. I tugged hard on the reins, but that only made him angrier and he reared back with a frustrated scream. I managed to just hold on as he landed back on his front legs, my thighs and arms aching from the effort.
I thought that he might have gotten out of his system, but before I could react, he was bucking me off him. I gave a short yelp that was cut off as I landed hard on the ground, the shock temporarily paralyzing me. My head bounced off the hard dirt of the training ground, causing my vision to flash white.
As I came to my senses, I realized I was sprawled out on the ground at awkward angles and my mouth was agape as I starred absently at the cloudy sky. A shadow passed over me, my eyes adjusting to the shade for a moment before I recognized my new captain starring down at me.
He snapped in front of my eyes, making me wince. "You okay, Katchen?" he asked, his eyes scanning my face. I could feel more than hear other people running over to me, and suddenly I was starring up at Franz and Sanako who had rudely pushed Captain Erwin away in their hurry to check me out.
"Kat," Franz yelled, causing me to wince again, "Look at me? Are you alright? What hurts?"
I tried to sit up and say I was fine, but the words came out slurred and my head lolled around. I wasn't in control of my body very well.
"Take her to the infirmary," I heard the captain say, "Tell them she might have a concussion, but then I want you two right back here by the time we start, understood?"
The two soldiers on either side of my scrambled up to salute and shout "Yes, sir!" with as much enthusiasm as they could muster. They bent down over me as my vision started to fade and spin, hoisting me up roughly and throwing one of my arms over each of them. I was grateful, but even in such a state, I tried to walk on my own to save myself from any more embarrassment in front of all the squads and commanding officers.
"Katchen, stop," Sanako reprimanded, struggling under my weight as I moved around, "You're making it harder to carry you. Let's just get you inside."
After that I stopped struggling, letting them walk me to the infirmary where I promptly passed out as soon as I hit the bed.