Y'all I'm finally writing more angst!
It's also a little bit of an au like things aren't the exact same but it has the same plot
⚠️self harm, suicide attempt⚠️
-Rays p.o.v-
"I love you Emma" those were the last words I heard Norman say before he got 'adopted'
It's been a week I'm still in shock.
Emma hasn't been the same sense. She always looks so sad. She barely ever gets up to play with the kids. She's always just sitting there looking broken
As much as I hate to say it I loved him. He was my best friend.well I don't even know if I can say that
The only reason he ever talked to me was because he was a fucking simp for emma and she wanted us to be friends.
The last thing I heard him say was his confession to her. At this point most people would hate her.but I could never.
Especially now.
He's dead it doesn't matter who he liked!
Or that's what I try to tell myself
I still never hate Emma, Some times I might feel a little jealous but I only hate myself for not being good enough for him to love me.
Everyday I think 'if I ate less' 'if I was more reserved' 'maybe if I was nicer' ' if I wasn't such a selfish bitch and pushed him away'
Most of that shit sounds stupid to most I know that but to me it's slowly killing me.
I've always had horrible mental health but this is really just pushing me over the edge.
I learnt how to deal with most of the shit I've dealt with sense I was literally born but when Norman died it all just came back.
I was actually happy for a few weeks!
I even stopped cutting or like hating myself for eating to the point I almost puked back up every meal.
When mom found out I cut she started to hide all the knives and scissors but I wasn't an idiot and I found out how to take apart pencil sharpeners pretty soon after.
I'm now standing in the mirror looking at my body almost crying.
The scars all over me look so ugly .
I learnt to never do it on your arms do it on your chest and inner thigh. No one will see there unless your sexuality active and my heart broken ass could never.
For the eating thing it's really not that bad. It's not like I'm actually doing anything. But my brain has just been programmed to not let me eat without constantly reminding me that I weigh more then anyone else here. When all you can think of is that it's hard to keep down your food
I try my best to pretend to be happy for the kids. I love my family so much and they seem so sad seeing Emma like this. That was the one thing that made me mad at her.
I know she's heartbroken or whatever the fuck is going on but she can at least try to pretend she's happy!
I probably sound like a dick head saying that but the amount of times I had to force myself to speak to the kids is discussing.
My hole life I've tried to be the best I could manage despite that, I could never do it for long.
I have days where I just stop trying
I've always had problems controlling my anger so sometimes it just happens!
No matter how hard I try I always fuck up.
I made god damn phill cry last week. He's always been the one to stay with me when everyone was mad at me for something I couldn't control.
Everyone always talked about how much they all hated me. I know their joking but it still hurts.
By the amount of friends I have I think they might be telling the truth.
No one has ever loved. Not even my mother. Half of the reason I tried to get good grades was to make her proud even if I was going to make her hate me taking away everything she's ever worked for
I've never been happier about my plan. I just have to hold on for a few more weeks then all this pain will finally come to an end.
For a little while I though I might not have to literally light myself on fire but with Norman gone it's the only way Emma can not only survive but have even an attempt. Also, at this point I want to.
I don't want to fucking be alive!
I hate every part of my life and myself. I can't keep going I just won't it to stop.
Being with Norman made it stop. Even if it was only for a second he never failed to make my day.
Emma is amazing but it's just not the same. I want to be with him and him only.
I remember the time he practically confessed his love for her to me. I tried to tell myself it wasn't what it seemed like but deep down I knew it was.
#TIME SKIP TO RAYS BIRTHDAY#
It's finally going to happen!This shit will finally be over. After so long the pain will finally come to an end.
All I have to do is wait for Emma come down to the dining hall then I can finally leave this hell hole people call life.
I'd like to say see you soon Norman but you've gone somewhere I can only dream of.
I wish I could have just told him what he meant to me. It's useless to think about I know that but it doesn't change the fact that I loved him more then anything.
"Ray?"
So she's finally here
.
.
.
.
.
"Are you insane!"emma screams grabbing my face
"Never try anything like that again"she continues letting me go
Why
Why am I still here.
This has been my plan for years I can't continue this life.
"Emma please just let me die" I beg.
Normally I would never let anyone see me so upset but right now I don't fucking care.
I just want to be gone. I just want all this shit to stop.
Realistically if we find away to make it out of here I'll just slow everyone down. My mental state is most definitely not good enough to fight demons. I'll end up letting myself get killed.
"Not a chance Ray. We already have a plan to get out of here you can thank Norman for that!" Emma states smiling
"Norman?" I say trying to stop my voice from shaking
"Yup. He knew you were going to do this so he made a hole new plan that could involve you surviving. Lani Thoma come out!" Emma yells looking towards the closet
"Thank you...."
#Another time skip to when Norman is back alive#
It's been 5 years sense that day
We've made it into to human world and found out Norman was alive!
I was so happy I still am but it hurts just as much. He might be here now but it's even more obvious He's in love with Emma.
Knowing this made me even more upset. When he was "dead" I could think I was just imagining all of it but now I can't.
Norman is not the only thing bothering me anymore.
I killed my own mother
I didn't try but if I'd just been paying attention I could have help Emma and mom would still be here.
Those too and many other things have ended up being way to much for me.
Ever inch of my being is devoted to hating myself now.
The only way for me to forget is too work.
I know I definitely over work myself now but I'm the end it's just helping me. I have two jobs, I cook everyday for my family,I help all the kids with their homework, I make sure their all in bed on time, I try to complete some of Norman and Emma's work to help them a little and then I have my own work to do plus I still go to school.
Sometimes I think the amount of work I do isn't helping but if I don't do it who will.
Most of my work is just raising 15 kids. Last Mother's Day almost all of them made me a card saying I was their mom.
*normans p.o.v
Their is something very wrong with ray but I can't seem to figure it out.
Well I know for the most part.
He works WAY to much. He does everything for the kids then pays for literally all of the food and clothes thanks to his two fucking jobs then he does some of my work without me knowing leaving him 4 hours of sleep including his own work.
He looks like a zombie at this point.
I need him to stop doing this to himself. I love him. I also love Emma but right now I think I'm moving more towards ray.
Well I can't worry about this right now I have more important shit to do.
As soon as I go to open my office door I hear paper moving
"Ray?" I ask opening my door to see a tired looking ray finishing a huge stack of paper work
"Hm. I just have 5 more pages you can go do whatever- Hey!" Ray yells the last part as I pick him up
"Put me down" he keeps yelling kicking his legs while I carry him bridle style to my room across the hall
"Nope your going to tell me what's going on then your going the hell to sleep'' I say putting him down on my bed and pulling him into a hug
"Now tell me why the hell your doing this to yourself" I say looking him straight in the eyes
"No"
"Yes
"Fine. So it started when I was born" he says laughing
"Ray be serious" I scold him wanting to know what's really wrong with him
" it did actually start when I was born though. Butttt practically I've watched my family get shipped out to their death my hole life, I've hated myself so much I could barley function, I'm practically raising 15 kids, I kinda killed my mother, my body had so many fucking cuts and scars I look disgusting andddd drum role please~~ I'm totally not in love with my straight best friend who most definitely likes my other best friend"ray explains smiling
Wow
.
.
.
.
How the hell do I reply to that.
Wait did he just say he loves me?
" Ray please let me help you. I know most of that shit can't be fixed but if I'm with you, you might feel a little better about it. Also I'm not straight and I love you too idiot"
—————
Guys I'm so sorry this is so long but the majority of this was just a rant from me. No I didn't grow up on a human farm but I did have most of those issues and loved my best friend who I didn't think liked me. He does and is now my boyfriend. The second part was made up but the hole first part was written while I was having a mental breakdown.