Song for the chapter: Always by Ashe
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My eyes opened to see golden sunrise light streaming in through the windows, onto my skin, warming it like a hot summers day. Dust particles floated around the room like confetti. It took a few seconds of being conscious to realize where I was laying, and how hungover I was. My head immediately started pounding. I felt like I was going to vomit.
I rolled over on my side, trying to suppress the nausea, but then I really came to my senses. There was a pair of strong arms wrapped around my waist, pulling me in close to him. As I rolled over I saw Niall's face, resting against the pillow, eyes still closed, breathing slow and steadily. It was the calmest I'd ever seen him.
I had to get out of there.
I strategically wiggled out of his grasp. When I rolled out of the bed I realized that I had no clothes, and I had to go to work.
Today was my last day of work.
Holy shit.
I felt immediate panic set in.
Here I was, standing naked in Horan's bedroom, while I was preparing to go undercover for god knows how long.
Why did I sleep with him?
That was the stupidest decision I've ever made.
"Phil?" I heard Niall groan from the bed. "What are you doing? It's so early."
A wave of dread washed over me. He looked so beautiful. His hair was fluffed from rolling around on the pillows. His tired eyes shone like sapphires in the sunshine, and he looked at me like I was the entire universe compiled into a human form.
I couldn't give him what he wanted from me.
"I shouldn't be here." I frantically looked around for my clothes on the floor. I couldn't wear my dress back to work, so I took Niall's white shirt and wore it around me like an oversized dress, just to cover myself for the moment.
"What do you mean?" He sat up and frowned.
"Last night should not have happened." I huffed. "It meant nothing."
"What?" He was coming to his senses while I finished up the buttons.
"I shouldn't have slept with you. It didn't mean anything to me. We're not- this isn't-"
"It didn't mean anything?" He looked hurt. "It sure as hell didn't feel like nothing Ophelia."
"Well it was." I pulled myself together. "That's never happening again." I walked to the bathroom.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" He shouted after me. After a moment, he appeared in the bathroom doorway in his boxers.
"I can't be anything with you." I told him.
"Then why did we have sex?" He looked at me in disbelief.
"Because I'm leaving tomorrow." I faced him. "I could be dead before I have the chance to have sex again. I wanted to make sure my last time was good."
"So you used me?"
"You should be flattered that I picked you." I said heartlessly.
Repressing my feelings was something I was exceptionally good at. I looked at Niall with cold, dead eyes, telling him I had no feelings for him while my heart screamed at me to give the poor boy a hug.
"What the fuck are you saying?" He acted as if someone just shot him in the chest.
"It's not a big deal." I shook my head, finding myself distracted with my hair in the mirror. "It was just a hookup. One night only."
"Ophelia!" He shouted at me.
It scared me, I jumped at the loud sound. He'd gotten my attention.
"What?" I said quietly, but sternly.
"We both know that whatever happened last night wasn't just a hookup." He said in a thick voice.
I looked back at him coldly, trying to keep my act up. It was getting more difficult.
"You don't know if that's how I feel."
"Why won't you admit what you're feeling?" He pleaded. "If you don't come back after tomorrow, I'll never stop thinking about you. I know you're not that cruel."
I didn't say anything. I just looked in his eyes, they were becoming glossy. Was he going to cry? Was he going to cry over me? No.
"Why won't you let people care about you?" He whispered.
Those words hit me like a bus. If I lived through this, I wouldn't be able to live with a clear conscience. I at least owe him an explanation.
I took his shaking hand and led him back to the bed. I sat down on the edge and motioned for him to sit beside me. His weight beside me was comforting to me and I guess that just confirmed that I needed to explain this to him.
"Ever since my family's accident, I've been all too familiar with the idea of mortality." I said quietly, staring at the wooden floor. "It's made me very aware of the fact that I could just die at any given moment. Especially with this job. Every day I go into work, it could potentially be my last."
"Phil," Niall sighed, catching on to what I was saying. "You know that you're more likely to get crushed by scaffolding than you are to die on the job?"
"We live in a city full of scaffolding." I countered. "If I keep my distance from everyone, I can kind of just... go quietly."
"Go quietly?" He scoffed.
"If I die, I don't want it to matter to anyone."
"Wouldn't you want people to miss you?" He furrowed his eyebrows.
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because I know what it feels like to miss someone." I breathed out. "I know what it feels like to live your life grieving. I don't want anybody to feel like that because of me."
"You can't control that."
"I can." I challenged. "I haven't moved out of that apartment because I don't want to leave behind a permanent home. I don't have a car because why should I bother spending that much money on something I might not use? I haven't tried to get into a relationship since that night at the pub because I realized that it's just not worth it. I can live my life in pure solitude and that's how I want it to be."
"Well you failed." He told me.
"I failed?" I asked in disbelief. How dare he?
"You can stay distanced from anyone you want, but you can't control how other people feel." He looked at me, but I wouldn't look at him. "You've rejected me, and hated my guts ever since we met, but I became immediately attached to you Phil." He put a hand on my thigh. "When I told you that Malik ordered me to keep an eye on you during those first few months, I lied. As soon as we went on that trip to Rhode Island together and I saw how you were living, I made it a priority to make sure you were safe."
"But you still decided to mess with me for months on end?" I frowned.
"I didn't really know what I was feeling." He admitted. "I just knew I wanted to impress you, and I knew I wanted to keep you around, because believe me I know about the whole dying in a line of action thing."
"What do you mean?"
He paused for a moment to think.
"When I first came to the one-seven I had a partner. His name was Maxwell Jones, and we were the highest performing detectives in the precinct. He helped me catch a serial killer a few years ago, but I was the only one who got to make the arrest. Max took a fatal blow at a meetup one day and then he was gone." He stared at the floor. "That's why I refused the Sergeant promotion. I didn't want to take the glory for something that Max did."
"Niall I'm-"
"Don't apologize." He brought his gaze back to me. "It makes you look stupid."
"Hey." I gave him a look.
"When I met you, I swore to myself that I'd keep you safe, because I couldn't do it for Max." His thumb made circles on my leg. "It was because you were young, and you had potential, but along the way I think I maybe developed deeper feelings for you." He concentrated on his hand. "But back to my point, you can stop yourself from getting attached to people, but you can't stop me from caring about you. You're my firefly Ophelia. You glow no matter what your intentions are."
I thought about it.
Had I really been trying to push Niall away? Sure I shut down all of his advances in the past, but I also got flustered by his compliments and I gravitated towards him when I felt lonely. He brought me comfort, and company.
'You're my firefly Ophelia.'
The way my name rolled off his tongue, the way he put a meaning behind it, it made me feel cared for.
He was right.
I failed.
I failed miserably.
"Are you going to say anything?" He looked worried.
I simply shook my head, but then leaned over and kissed him. I couldn't help myself. Our lips moved in sync, like they knew exactly what to do. He brought his hands around to brace himself before lowering us onto the bed. We kissed as long as we could, knowing that after today, our lips might never touch again.
I pulled away from him and looked in his electric blue eyes.
"Niall,"
"Yeah?"
"I'm scared." I admitted finally.
"I know." He brought his arms around me and pulled me in close.
"Are you?" I could feel his heartbeat through his chest.
"A little." He nodded. "But you'll be okay." He kissed the top of my forehead.
I guess for that moment, everything in the world was okay.
It didn't stay that way.
No matter how many times Niall kissed me, it wasn't going to change the fact that at this time tomorrow, I'd be a part of a crime family.
"Do you want me to make you breakfast?" He asked while he got dressed for work.
"Do you know how to cook?" I was skeptical.
"I can make really good cereal." He nodded as he zipped up his pants.
"I'll just get something from Buzz's." I waved it off.
"I'll buy it for you." He told me.
"Okay." I nodded.
I'd let him do something nice for me just in case...
"Hey, I have a pair of leggings that my niece left here at Christmas if you want to wear them." He offered.
"How old is your niece?" I furrowed my eyebrows.
"She's fourteen." He laughed. "I'd offer something of my sisters' but they're all taller than you."
"That's wonderful." I sighed. "If that's all you have then I guess I have to wear it."
He ran out of the room and came back with a pair of plain black leggings. He handed them to me.
"Thank you." I pulled them on and was ashamed to admit that they fit me almost perfectly.
"Here you can wear this too." He threw me a grey t shirt. It was NYPD so I guess it wouldn't be too suspicious.
When Niall drove me to the precinct we agreed that we'd go inside five minutes apart. Nobody needed to know that we spent the night together.
I was working at my desk when Tomlinson walked past behind me.
"Oh my god finally!" He laughed.
"What?" I turned around.
"You two are banging!" He gestured between Horan and I.
"No we're not." I defended.
"It literally says 'Horan' on the back of your shirt." He snickered. "You ain't slick."
I looked at Horan with wide eyes. He had a smirk playing on his lips.
"I'll kill you." I muttered.
"Kinda sucks." Tomlinson pursed his lips. "You'll be gone for so long."
"Who knows." Horan shrugged. "She might be back in two weeks."
"Or dead in two weeks." I muttered.
"Way to stay positive Carter." Tomlinson patted me on the back before going back to his desk.
"You need to stop saying shit like that." Horan frowned over at me.
"I don't want to get your hopes up." I shrugged.
"So you want me to treat you like you're going to die?"
"Might as well."
"Vienna at your funeral?" He opened his notepad to start writing down notes.
"No." I shook my head. "If I die, you have to take me to Vienna."
"You want me to take your corpse to Vienna?" He sounded shocked.
"Well you're my exception. If anybody's gonna be at my funeral it should be you." I said nonchalantly.
"Really?" He raised his eyebrows.
"Unless you want to invite my deadbeat ex boyfriend who's getting married."
"No."
"He's the only other significant person that's still alive."
"I'm a significant person?"
"I guess now you are." I scoffed.
"Watch the attitude kid."
"I'm being dead serious though." I looked at him. "If I don't come back from this, don't have a funeral. Take my ashes to Vienna and put them somewhere fancy. Billy would want me to do it."
"I don't like talking about this." He took a shaky breath.
"Well we have to." I shook my head. "I don't want to end up unmarked somewhere with the rest of the casualties."
"You're not going to die." He insisted.
"You can't make that promise."
He lowered his eyes.
I couldn't just get his hopes up for me coming back.
"It's always a good idea to be a pessimist." I reached across the desk and put my hand on his. "No matter the outcome, you're either right, or pleasantly surprised."
"I think I'd be a lot more than pleasantly surprised if you make it through this." He flipped his hand over so our palms were touching.
"Plan for death," I instructed. "So you'll be that much happier if I come home."
"Okay." He sighed.
"And if I happen to be murdered, don't pull some Romeo and Juliet bullshit. We've only known each other for a year." I laughed.
"Romeo and Juliet only knew each other for a week." He raised an eyebrow.
"And look how it turned out for them." I let go of his hand and leaned back in the chair. "But we'll both be okay, whether I'm dead or not."
I was telling this more to myself. I'd almost accepted the fact that I wasn't coming home after this. If my suspicions were correct, and my brother was somehow a part of this organization, my whole cover would be blown. If he's there, he'll recognize me and I'll be busted for being undercover. They'll kill me.
I wasn't even worried about the act of dying. I was used to pain. Now, I was so scared of what would happen to Niall. This is exactly why I shouldn't have slept with him, because now my reckless decisions are going to affect someone else and I'll feel so guilty about leaving him alone like that. He'd already lost his first detective partner, how could I put myself in a position to have him go through that again?
After my shift was finished, I stayed at the precinct to finish up some last minute details with Payne.
"I'm still confused on how to work this." He fiddled around with the program that would be attached to my camera and mic.
That made me nervous.
"Maybe Tomlinson can help you if you get stuck." I suggested.
"I don't know if that's a good idea." He shook his head. "Maybe I'm not cut out to be your handler. I could get Malik to monitor both you and Styles."
"I think he's pretty stressed out as it is." I let out a breath. "But that's okay. We still have like fourteen hours until I leave. It'll be fine."
"Alright." He opened the file with my personal details. "Quiz time."
I prepared myself. I had to remember all of this.
"What is your name?"
"Arabella Theodora Reilly."
"How old are you?"
"Twenty five."
"Who is your father?"
"Antonio Reilly."
"What happened to your mother?"
"She died in a fire fifteen years ago."
"Where have you been the past four years?"
"J'étais en France."
Yeah I speak French too. Sue me.
"Who is your brother?"
"Alexander Reilly."
"If you need backup what is your cover?"
"My Fiancé who lives in the upper east side."
"If you need the backup we'll call someone in. Probably someone from the lower ranks." Payne informed me. "But otherwise you'll be okay."
"Great." I let out a nervous breath. "Are all of my clothes packed?"
"Yes. I got Maya to pick out the best designs. Good thing we've got the funds for it."
"I'm not super picky when it comes to clothes." I shrugged.
"The women in the organization will be. I've heard they can be absolutely ruthless Carter." He shook his head.
"Oh great." I laughed.
There were three knocks at the door.
"Come in." Payne called.
The door opened slowly and Horan poked his head in.
"Hey Ophel- Carter," he caught himself on my name. "I'm heading out, can I talk to you for a sec?"
I looked at Payne and he nodded.
"Yeah." I stood from the desk and followed him out of the room. He led me into the hallway by the storage closet. He stopped and looked at me. "You're going home?" I asked quietly.
"Do you want me to stay?" He brushed a piece of hair behind my ear.
"Do you want me to want you to stay?"
"Yes."
"Then yes. I want you to stay." I nodded.
"I'll stay as long as you need me to." He brought me in for a hug. We were the only two left in the precinct other than Payne and Malik.
I pressed my lips to his cheek, just to make sure he knew I still cared. It was weird for me, but if we were never going to see each other again, I think it's okay to take some risks.
"Let me be your handler." He whispered in my ear.
"What?" I pulled away quickly.
"Let me be your handler." He said again. "Think about it Phil, Payne has no idea what he's doing, I feel like I'm going to vomit because I'm so worried about you, and you'll be able to talk to me whenever you need."
"I don't know." I was taken aback by his offer. "I've heard of covers being blown by handlers that have an... ulterior motive."
"Ulterior motive?" He frowned. "The detective side of me wants to keep you safe, and the side of me that fucked you last night also wants to keep you safe. There's no conflict of interest here."
"Why did you have to bring that up?" I rubbed my forehead.
"Because it happened and you loved it." He grinned.
"You know you'll have to sit and watch me for like fourteen hours a day right?"
"That's fine. I've got the time. Payne has a family to go home to, I don't!"
"That's depressing."
"I'd rather spend time with you, even if it's one sided."
I thought about it. However stupid the idea was, I knew that Horan was smart enough to work the program, dedicated enough to pay attention, and he cared about me enough to keep an eye out.
"Okay." I gave in. "You have to tell Payne though."
"I will." He nodded. "Thank you."
"I don't know how I'm going to handle having you in my ear all day." I pursed my lips.
"You'll love it." He laughed.
"I don't know you might piss me off the whole time."
"I won't. I promise." He quickly pressed a kiss to my lips and walked away.
"I hate that you made that normal!" I called after him.
"You might die!" He held up the middle finger behind him. "I'm not holding back."
"Fuck." I muttered under my breath.
Last day at the precinct.
I'm so scared.
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Hey!!
Just checking up to see how everyone is doing! I've really been liking the chapters I've been putting out lately. I'm so proud of them, so I hope you guys are liking them too!!
Lots of love,
-Kallie 💕