~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LeLe, leaving a message on Eva’s voicemail: I know you’re probably busy having mind-blowing sex, but I feel you need to know that your good friend, LeLe, has just taken a piece of cake out of the garbage and eaten it. You’ll probably need this information when you check me into the “Betty Crocker Clinic”.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DeStorm: I hate Alex.
Liza: “Hate” is a strong word.
DeStorm: I have strong opinions.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Joey: How would you kids like to do something for money?
Everyone:
Tim: Can we have some details first?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JC: I wonder who invented the meatball.
Safyia: What do you mean “invented”?
JC: Well, some dude back in the fifteenth century must have said, “yes, meat is good, but it would be even better in ball form”.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eva: Be happy for LeLe. She hasn’t had a partner since fifth grade when Matt rudely dumped her.
Shane: She broke Matt’s leg.
Eva: Yes. And then he rudely dumped her!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gabbie: Tell Tyler to ask Joey out.
Tana: No! Tyler never did anything bad to me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alex: No!
Justine: Please? For me?
Alex: Don’t do that.
Justine: What?
Alex: You think whenever you say “please, for me” that I’ll just do anything you want. Not this time!
Justine: Please, for me?
Alex: sighs Okay.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(My own incorrect quote)
Therapist: Stop saying that about yourself. You have the perfect hair and the perfect eyes.
Nikita: I pay you $25 an hour to say that shit.
Nikita: But please, continue.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LeLe: I just have one question.
Tim: What is it, LeLe?
LeLe: What color is an orange?
Tim: LeLe, you bonehead. Its color is the same as its name. Just like a lemon.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DeStorm: You have a crush on her.
Alex: WHAT?
DeStorm:
Alex: That’s not- I’m- I don’t just fall for anyone who’s nice to me!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ro: accidentally does something illegal
Ro: calls 911 Hello? I would like to go to jail.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Roi: Can I borrow a clean shirt?
MatPat: Sure.
Roi: And some pants?
MatPat: I guess…
Roi: Underwear?
MatPat: Absolutely not!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Justine: Why would Sierra like you???
Matt: Oh, well, I guess she somehow overlooked my terrible personality and hideous face.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Justine and Tana: hugging and crying after resolving a fight between them
Colleen, confused: Are- Are they in love?
Alex, who’s been dating Justine for months now: Yes, very much so.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ro, running in with a scraped knee: Hey guys! Sorry I’m late.
Safyia: What happened?
Ro: Oh, I just-
Safyia: Who did this?
Ro: N-no one-
Safyia: WHO DO I HAVE TO KILL?!
Ro: NO!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Teala: Jumping out of a helicopter just seems so dangerous!
MatPat: Yep. You know, they say 1 in 5 people don’t even make it to the ground.
Teala: Wow!
Roi: What do you mean they don’t make it to the ground? Where do they go?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LeLe: I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
Oli: What was the rage all about?
LeLe: Eva wouldn’t stop to let me get McDonald’s french fries.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Liza: I relate to Belle because she loves books and loves people for their soul.
Gabbie: I relate to Tinkerbell because she needs attention or she dies.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Matt: To the group after killing Sierra Okay. I know you're mad, but before you say anything, yes, I screwed up. And yes, you warned me. And yes, I don't know where I'm going with this. But I do know this; I have reached the end of my sentence.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tana: Why is Joey crying?
Gabbie: He took one of those "Which Escape the Night Cast member are you?" quizzes.
Tana: Oh, who'd he get?
Gabbie: Me....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oli: LeLe, I'm very disappointed in you.
LeLe: Your approval means nothing to me.
Eva: LeLe, I'm very disappointed in you.
LeLe: No WAIT
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tim: Colleen, I think I figured out why you've been in such a bad mood lately. I think you have "Updog".
Colleen: What's "Updog".
Tim: DESTORM! GET IN HERE! I TOLD YOU I COULD DO IT!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Joey: No.
MatPat: It’s such a good name!
Joey: We're not naming the dog Sarah Jessica Barker! Now keep thinking.
MatPat:
Joey:
MatPat: Woofie Goldberg.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sierra: Is something burning?
Tim: Just my love for you.
Sierra: Tim, the toaster is on fire.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ro: I'm trying to teach Justine Italian. She’s terrible at it.
Justine: Mi dispiace, mamma. Sono incinta.
Ro: You just told me you were pregnant.
DeStorm: Congratulations, you’re glowing!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Collector: This has been so touching, I don't know what to say.
The Gorgon: Wait, we got you a present!
The Collector: Opens it, it's a dictionary
The Gorgon: Now you do.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Safyia: We should stop worrying about Roi and just let him live his own life.
Colleen:
Safyia:
Colleen: Do you want to follow him or should I?
Safyia: Let's both do it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Liza: Change is inedible.
Tana: Don't you mean inevitable?
Liza, spitting out coins: No, I did not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Roi: Dude, oh my god. There was the biggest fucking nerd sitting in your exact seat yesterday.
MatPat:
MatPat: That was me with my glasses on.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alex, to Justine: I wanna order takeout and watch Twilight with you.
Ro: That’s relationship goals.
Justine, putting her arm around Alex: Everyone wants what I have.
~
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jesse, holding a cheese grater: Behold: the cheese disassembler.
DeStorm: What the fuck did you just call it?
Jesse: Of course this is more dirty. puts it back in the sink and pulls out a new one This is better. The cheese disassembler 3005.
DeStorm: Jesse, that’s a fucking cheese grater!
Jesse: Shush, my child.
DeStorm: IM OLDER THAN YOU!
Jesse: Shhhhhhh🤫!
~
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eva: Where’s LeLe?
Tim: She's, uh… busy.
Matt: Being an idiot.
Eva: What kind of idiot?
Matt: The “everything is now on fire” kind.
~
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ro: Listen up, kids. There's nothing meme about smoking cigarettes. It's not "Netflix and chill" to do drugs. Now fidget spinner yourself to the kitchen.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Priest: ... Care to explain why we have six golden retrievers in our house?
Collin: They’re Golden Retrievers, priest. They retrieve gold. I did this for us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~