PERDONO:
Forgivenesses
V A L E R I U S ' S P O V :
You know what's the funny thing about the quote 'you don't you what you have until it's gone' is that it's bullshit. Yes, it is; you do what you have, you just didn't think you would have lost it.
My mind seemed to hold onto the broken fragments of things I imagined to do with our child. How I would sacrifice my sleep so that him or her would have theirs peacefully, how I would give my time to go visit their performance at school so when the show finished they would go 'Papa did you see me on stage!' But now those thoughts were just imaginations.
Currently, I was sat on floor with my hand in hair, tugging on it as I hear the doctors examine and treat Shira. I couldn't face her, her soul must be damaged. If those words she had said when I confessed my love to her seemed horrible then I knew what she would say to her would seem like poison to me.
My ears intensively listened and the sound of her cries are echoing around me. The blood on my shirt grins at me and I just break.
Tears stumble upon my cheek for the first time as I remind myself that I have my child's small life plastered on my body.
"Valerius! Where's Shira?" Dante and Abella are here and I can't help but just point. I can't speak, my voice seems lost. "Valerius, you have to be strong for Shira, please." Abella says, wiping her tears away and pushing my hands, that are fisting my hair tightly, away from me.
She's right. I couldn't be weak for her, I needed to be her shoulder to cry on. I needed to be with her. "Which one of you is Valerius?" The nurse walked out, looking between Dante and I.
Quickly, I got up from the ground with a slight stumble. "Follow me," The nurse said before disappear through the other side of the door. Inhaling a deep breath, I exhaled out of courage. Courage that I manage to muster from the despair of being Shira's ray of hope.
-
There she was looking as numb as a ghost. No happiness shone in her eyes. They were a torturing red to look at. Her lashes were wet with her tears that ran down her cheeks. I failed her. I failed Theo in promising I wouldn't make a tear leave her eyes but I ended up making her cry an ocean.
The nurse nodded to me and left the room giving me time to share our pain. My presence seemed to interrupt her trance and as I stood in front of her, Shira's eyes looked for a small reassurance that this was a dream but no, my tears and the blood on my shirt deceived her hope.
Shira fisted my shirt and cried, her tears seeping through my shirt while her cries taunted my mind. "I'm sorry Val. I'm so sorry." She repeated, I cupped her face, wiping her tears and kissed her forehead. "Amore, it's not your fault" Her hands were cold and so were her cheeks.
A knock on the door, startled us and the doctor came in. "According to the results, the placenta wasn't delivering enough food to the baby meaning that the baby couldn't survive. I'm sorry for your loss." The doctor explained before leaving us to mourn.
"It's all my fault, I shouldn't have left you." Our foreheads collided and her small hand cupped the side of my face. Silence. Nothing but our sorrows were shared.
-
Moments passed and Shira was discharged from the hospital. We were in the car and Shira tried to compose herself by staring outside the window. The clouds seemed to have darken as if they were too mourning with us.
"I want to go home." Shira said turning her head to face me. "That's where we are going, amore." My eyebrows furrowed in confusion, the hand that remained on my lap slowly moved to interlock with hers until she made my heart bleed.
"No. I want to go to my home. My parents' house." My hand dropped to the gear box and remained there, nodding, I turned my head to look on the road. Shira's body shifted all the way to the edge of the car, she seemed like she was repulsed by me. If she needed time and distances away from me, I would comply for her happiness
My mind scrambled throughout the whole journey, questions raised and I wondered whether Shira will ever be able to forgive me. Was she blaming me? Even if she was, I wouldn't blame her. I left her at a crucial stage of her life, I left her when she needed me the most, I left her when she needed reassurance that I love her and only her.
As I reached the Lamoureaux Mansion, Shira unbuckled out of her seatbelt and before I could say anything she left. I watched as she walked away from me, how the distance between the two of us became bigger and bigger.
Getting out of the car, I walked up to the door where Theo stood with an unpleasant look on his face. "Where were you?" He questioned yet I couldn't answer, "Where were you when my daughter needed you? Answer me god dammit Valerius!" Theo grabbed my collar and looked at my shirt.
"I can't tell you." That's all I could say, nothing more. I didn't tell anyone but Dante where I have been and what I have been planning for Shira. Theo and Papa only knows that I asked their permission for the wedding, nothing else. "Theo! Let go of him!" Melanie came in, trying to remove her husband's hands off of me.
"He can't tell us where he was, can you believe it? What was more fucking important than my daughter? Now, now she lost her-" Theo exclaimed, rubbing his forehead out of anger. I felt an immense amount of anger rush through my blood. "What? Her what? Her child! Theo, it was mine too! Yes it is my fucking fault for leaving her, yes I admit I left her when she needed me the most but I am in pain too!" I shouted, throwing my hands in the air.
"I didn't want our child to embrace me with their fucking blood in my arms. I didn't want my little bean to leave me. I wanted to hold him or her in my arms and tell them how much I love them." Theo eyes lowered as he walked over and embraced me.
"I'm so sorry Theo, I never wished to hurt Shira. All I wanted to do was to make our world one." Melanie walked over to me as my eyes turned to glass and wrapped her arms around me, her embrace was so relaxing. "It will be fine, mon fils, give her time, she'll come around." Melanie was now crying too. "She won't leave her room any time soon Valerius, go home and change. Take rest." Theo patted my shoulder before he and Melanie left all while I was left in the hallway, staring at Shira's room from above.
Each step I took felt like my heart was being ripped out. I wished I could tell her how sorry I was, how I ashamed I was. Tonight will be different unlike any other night. Tonight, I will be sleeping alone in the cold, my arms will be searching for the body they desire to wrap around.
Alone again.
Hello my loves, I know these couple of chapters have been sad but things do get better. Anyways, let me know your thoughts and have a wonderful day or good night's sleep.
Are you single or taken?
I am as single as a Pringle.