TRIGGER WARNINGS: Mentions of suicidal thoughts. Suicide attempt. Mentions of depression.
(Maybe thoughts of self harm? You'll know it when you see it if it qualifies)
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Louis was walking into the arena where they were going to be filming for the next X Factor episode and he was feeling a bit anxious as well as curious. Simon, Ayda, and Robbie were all rather cagey and secretive about this guest celebrity that was coming to perform for them. The only hint they would give was that he would know them when he saw them.
Simon's smirk didn't really do any favors for his anxiety on the matter either.
He shook himself out of his thoughts as he entered the communal dressing room where he saw Robbie and Ayda were already getting ready, "Hey Louis," Robbie greeted, "Are you ready for our mystery guest performer?"
"Don't be cheeky, mate you know I am." Louis snarked, "The lot of you being all secretive and shit. I'm just waiting like a ball of nerves here."
Robbie and Ayda just laughed while Louis could only smile at the couple. He looked away before he could lose himself in memories of a time when he would have someone to laugh with.
Nope, he shook his head as he sat down in his chair, Not gonna go there. I'm not gonna cry today.
Despite his internal thoughts, his mind does inevitably go to a time that he was happier. A time that he had someone to laugh with, to cry with, to do life with. The one who built him up so high, only to tear him down with one simple stroke.
Harry Styles.
Louis always was underconfident about himself. The way their label had treated them made him feel like he had the weakest voice out of One Direction, and honestly it hasn't really gotten any better since he went solo. He also had doubts about his looks and songwriting ability despite all evidence to the contrary.
Harry knew all this. Harry used all this.
***Flashback***
Louis finished early at the studio and headed home to surprise Harry. He told him that he had a meeting with Management, but that he shouldn't be long so he should be home waiting for him.
When he opened the door, he noticed that the flat was eerily quiet first. Second, he noticed that there were bags packed near the entrance way to the flat, but all of this confused him because in all of this, he didn't see Harry anywhere.
As he walked further inside, he got a funny feeling in his gut that he didn't necessarily like, but pushed it aside when he saw Harry walking in towards the table with a sheet of paper and a pen. Louis was about to say something to him when he looked up and all he saw was surprise and resignation in Harry's green eyes.
"Louis...you're home early." He said flatly, his eyes losing their usual shine.
Louis was taken aback at the usually bright boy being so dull with him and tentatively answered, "Well yeah. Finished a bit early and thought I'd come home to surprise you. So surprise!"
Harry's lips twitched a little at that, but his eyes if anything lost more color, he sighed, "I was hoping to do this the simple and easy way, but I guess we can't have everything..."
Louis was confused and alarm bells were ringing in his head, "What do you mean Haz?"
Harry physically flinched at the pet name, as if he didn't want to hear it, "I'm breaking up with you."
Louis froze, his mind running a mile a minute trying to find a reason why, "Wh-what? Why?"
"I can't keep pretending anymore." He said as he looked away walking toward his bags, "It's been a long time in coming, Louis. Surely you didn't think this was forever did you?"
Louis' eyes began to fill with tears his and knees began to shake, "So...so all that stuff you'd say to me. About being with m-me forever-"
"Was all sweet words to keep you around." He completed airily, completely shattering Louis' heart, "Why should I continue to waste my time with a talentless loser when the band is splitting up?"
For fuck's sake the least he could do is look at me when he's tearing me apart! Louis mentally cried out.
"Also, I want someone better. Better voice...better body," He shook his head, grabbing his things while still not looking at Louis, "You were a good fuck as I'm sure I was to you, but it's over. Have a nice life Louis, don't wait for me."
He left the flat leaving Louis frozen in place where he stood. In that instance, Louis ran over everything about their relationship, if it could be considered that, and questioned every interaction they had wondering if what they had was true love or not.
Coming up empty he finally allowed himself to collapse on the floor and cry. As he was sobbing, he managed to grab ahold of his phone and get Niall and Liam to come over and tell everything that happened to them in excruciating detail.
By the end of the night, when Louis was asleep, Harry Styles was public enemy number one for the former members of One Direction.
***Flashback End***
Louis' eyes were a bit misty from remembering that day. He had planned to take Harry out on a date and enjoy some off time with him like they rarely got to in the band, but they were apparently not on the same page.
He's done pretty well for himself. He's grown beyond Harry and what his words defined him as. He's worked through his insecurities and stepped into his power. He's taken back those parts of himself that he allowed to fall away. He released singles, and while it's not a full album like Harry's done he thinks he's got plenty of reason to not have an album out.
He wouldn't even know what Harry's done, he's done his level best to separate that part of his life from his current phase of life. He still follows Harry on social media, but he's hardly active enough to warrant unfollowing.
No, the straw that broke the camel's back was when Harry didn't come to support him for his performance of Just Hold On at the X Factor in 2016 and then also didn't come to his mother's funeral.
He shook himself and decided to practice what his shirt said and smiled. It looked a bit awkward in the mirror because he still felt like he was forcing it, but he knew that once he saw some of the acts he would feel much better.
After his hair and make up were done, they were guided to the judges table and filming began.
After seeing some of the acts, Louis did indeed feel much better than he did before and almost put the entire thing out of his mind. He remembers what he was anxious about before though and leans over and asks Ayda, "When's the guest performer supposed to go on?"
"He'll go on here in a bit," she said conspiratorially, "I have a feeling you'll either love it, or hate it."
"Well that narrows it down." He answered cheekily but he leaned back and listened to the following two acts before the mystery performer was supposed to come on.
Once it was time for the guest performer to come on, he heard him announced, and he thought he heard wrong, but he sat up straight in his chair and looked and saw him. He saw the most beautiful boy, turned man, that came straight from his dreams. Those dreams that turned to his waking nightmares.
Harry Styles was the guest performer.
Louis' hands gripped the arms of his chair tightly as his heartbeat began to speed up. He felt cold sweat begin to build up on the back of his neck and on his forehead as he saw Harry begin to approach the microphone left onstage for him to use.
Despite the fact that he may hate the man for what he did, Louis is still a hot blooded male and very gay. He can appreciate the view that his seat affords him of Harry in his all blue suit with white shoes. His hair's been cut, but it accentuates his face.
When Louis reached his eyes, he stopped.
Why does he look so broken down and exhausted...?
He shook his head and took a sip of water and waited for Harry to begin his performance, just wanting to get this over with so that he can go home and mope and cuddle with his dog Clifford.
A backing track started that sounded a bit like a chant and Louis was a bit intrigued. He could already tell that his song wasn't one written by Harry. Despite everything, he knows his style of songwriting, and this wasn't it. He started to pay attention a bit more as Harry began to sing.
Please, please forgive me
But I won't be home again
Maybe one day you'll look up
And, barely conscious you'll say to no one:
"Isn't something missing?"
You won't cry for my absence, I know
You forgot me long ago
Am I that unimportant?
Am I so insignificant?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?
Louis was taken aback at the contents of the song. Did Harry honestly think he wasn't important? That he wasn't cried over? What is going on?
Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me, not now
Though I'd die to know you love me
I'm all alone
Isn't someone missing me?
Sacrifice? What? Louis was confused with the lyrics. He looked up at Harry and saw that he was looking right at him. He froze at the depth of pain and agony in the emerald green eyes, quite reflective of his own ocean blues.
Harry continued to bear his soul in song.
Please, please forgive me
But I won't be home again
I know what you do to yourself
I breathe deep and cry out
"Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?"
Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me, not now
Though I'd die to know you love me
I'm all alone
Isn't someone missing me
Louis froze at those words, He knows? He knows that I ridicule myself, I tear myself down...even now? And what's this about no one missing him? Millions of people would... Louis looked away from the pained eyes in deep thought.
And if I bleed, I'll bleed
Knowing you don't care
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I'll wake without you there
Isn't something missing?
Isn't something...
Louis' snapped up and looked into the dead serious green eyes of his former lover, No...Don't tell me...He wouldn't. He began to shake his head in disbelief as tears began to trail down his face, Ayda next to him looking over in slight concern, Simon on the other side, likely not giving two shits.
Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me, not now
Though I'd die to know you love me
I'm all alone
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?
Louis never broke eye contact with him ever since he hear "and if I bleed" wanting, no, needing confirmation that his fears weren't true. I swear to God if he's harming himself...I don't know what I'd do...
One result is certain though, Louis' heart is beating again.
Harry simply closed his eyes and closed off again as the song wound down. He gave his bow and walked off stage, not saying a word, even as Simon said a few words to him, though Louis could tell he didn't want to remain and listen.
Taking in his demeanor, Louis noticed that Harry was acting like he was more exhausted than he was letting on to the audience. Only those who truly knew him, and thus knew what to look for, would be able to tell. He also was acting like he was used to being treated like a circus animal, or the pride of the ranch or some shit.
Louis hated it, but wondered why he was being treated that way.
After they wrapped the episode, he went to look for Harry and couldn't find him anywhere. He asked someone on the security staff if he knew where he went and he said that Harry had already gone home.
Feeling defeated, he went back to his own car and drove home to execute his initial plan, but for entirely different reasons, mainly confusion. When he arrived home, he walked in and sat on the sofa and pulled out his phone to lurk on Twitter a bit, but before he got too far, he noticed that Harry actually tweeted something. Two somethings actually.
Harry_Styles: What am I now? What am I now? What if I'm someone I don't want around?
Harry_Styles: Do you remember me? Lost for so long? Will you be on the other side or will you forget me?
Why would he tweet those? Louis thought, before putting the individual tweets into a Google search. The first tweet came up empty, so he assumed they were a lyric idea, albeit quite a depressing one. The second however did come up with something, a song by the name of Tourniquet. He decided to read the description of what it was about.
Louis' eyes widened in alarm at what he read before he practically flew out of the door before getting on the phone with Liam to see if he knew where Harry lived in London.
"Hey Lou, what's-" Liam began.
"No time Payno," Louis cut him off urgently, "I need to know where Harry lives now!"
"What! Why?" Liam questioned.
"Forget why!" He growled as he drove down the road, "just fucking tell me, or else there might not be a Harry to save!"
"Okay, okay!" Liam relented, "He's at your old house. After you sold it, he bought it anonymously."
"He's the anon that I sold the house to?!" Louis shrieked.
"Yes he is." Liam confirmed, "I haven't spoken much to him, and Niall refuses to speak to him so you're better off talking to him about it yourself."
"If he's even still alive when I get there." Louis said.
"WHAT?!" Liam squawked.
"He's suicidal Li." Louis said carefully, "Something's not right, but I confirmed that much just from his last two tweets."
"Okay, but be careful Lou," Liam cautioned, "I don't want you getting hurt again."
"I won't." Louis agreed, "I'm better than that now."
They hung up after saying their goodbyes and Louis pulled up to his and Harry's old house. He didn't stop for a second before running up to the front door and checking to see if it was open. It wasn't.
He noticed that the locks weren't changed after the change of ownership, so he looked to where he and Harry hid the spare key in case either of them got locked out and saw that the spare key was still there. He used it and opened the door.
Not taking any time to take in the sight of their former home, he immediately set about looking for Harry, phone at the ready to call for Emergency Services just in case.
He ran up the steps to see a light on in the bathroom. He opened the door and saw that Harry was in the middle of taking some pills before knocking the bottle out of his hand and hugging him close.
He looked at the label of the bottle he knocked out of Harry's hand and saw that it was Eszopiclone or better known as prescription strength Lunesta sleeping pills. He looked over to the sink and saw Oxycontin as well. Louis closed his eyes in despairing relief. He got there in time.
Harry, for his part was trembling before he encircled Louis with his arms tentatively. Louis wondered why he was so tentative with touching him, he never was before.
Silently, Louis gathered the painkillers and sleeping pills and dumped them into the toilet, then promptly flushed it. He looked at Harry and saw the same depth of pain and exhaustion in his eyes that he saw on stage earlier that day. He took his hand and guided him to the sofa in the living room to sit him down so they could talk.
Harry was sat next to him, but his head was bowed and his shoulders slumped as if in defeat. Louis could only ask one thing, "Why?"
"Why do you care?" Harry asked with no heat, no inflection, just flat and dull.
"I care because I know what you were, and I see now what's become of you," Louis explained, trying to put his feelings into words, "I was confused at what you was trying to say. But I think I'm beginning to understand, I just need to hear you say it."
Harry sighed before straightening in his seat, "I'm alone Lou," Louis' breath hitched at the old nickname, "Sorry, I don't have a right to call you that anymore."
Harry shook his head, his eyes glossy and filled with so much agony that Louis almost had to look away, "I'm alone. No one understands. I destroyed the one good thing I had to live for, and it wasn't even my choice."
Louis' eyes widened at that, "Not your choice? Wait, back up. What's all this then?"
"Our break up wasn't my choice Louis." Harry hiccuped, tears spilling over as he looked away, "That meeting with management that day was them threatening me with your career."
Suddenly things began to click into place. Louis recalled that management would continuously work against him and try to sabotage any opportunity that he had with any other record label, even sabotaging his own record label after the band split up, but that all stopped after he and Harry broke up.
"They were sabotaging me." He whispered.
"They were gonna ruin you." Harry said through his tears, "They wanted to break the wild horse in one way or another. They saw that you were still fighting back through their sabotage, and some labels were getting suspicious of them, so they got to me. You know how much they hated Larry."
"Enough to threaten me to you so you would break up with me-" Louis started.
"In order to protect you." Harry finished. "They kept so many things back that your career would have been finished before it started, or so they said."
"Why tell me this now? Why not then?" Louis inquired.
"I couldn't for two reasons." Harry said, hunching over again, Louis scooted a little closer to him, "I signed a contract that lasted for about two years that stated I couldn't tell you, but I could tell any of the boys. The only problem was that they either didn't believe me, or they wouldn't talk to me after what you had told them."
Louis nodded, that sounded about right.
"The second reason is that they specifically said I had to make it 'look real' to you." He sighed and ran a hand through his curls as he does when he's stressed, "I had to make it seem final, so you wouldn't want to continue chasing after me, or something like that."
Louis was stunned into silence. He couldn't believe that the whole reason for the break up, for his misery, for Harry's apparent agony was for his own protection, "Why would you do that for me?"
"Because I love you Louis." Harry said simply, "I know you probably don't love me back anymore, and that's fine. I just can't..." Harry paused to gather himself, "I c-can't be alone anymore."
"Where were you during me X Factor performance in 2016 though?" Louis said.
Harry gave a bitter chuckle through his tears, "A bit hard to attend a performance from a hospital bed, Lou."
Louis just stared at him, shocked to his core.
"What, did you think this was the first attempt?" Harry said with bitter humor, "no I tried once before. I was already well into it when I got your message. Mitch found me, and not an hour too soon, or else the next time you would have seen me was in the news for a successful overdose of sleeping pills."
"But why would you resort to this? Why haven't I heard of this, even from Anne?" Louis questioned urgently, tears running freely down his cheeks.
"Management covered up my depression." Harry growled, "They said things like 'People would kill to be where you are' or 'Get over yourself, it was just a passing phase anyway,' like any of those fuckers knew what I was actually feeling."
"Do you still have the same management?" Louis asked.
"No," Harry said firmly, "Sacked them the minute the contract ran out. Idiots thought I was gonna keep them on, but all I did was list out everything toxic they did to me as reasons for not keeping them on and promptly got rid of them. I have a better management now."
"Good." Louis nodded.
"And as for why I would resort to it?" He continued shaking his head, "I saw what you were doing to yourself, and I saw that I was the cause of it, never mind that basically had no choice in the matter if you wanted to have a future career in music. I was cut off from everyone and I wasn't really connecting well with my new band because of my depression. I couldn't write because my inspiration had run dry. I was at the end of my rope. Felt like I had no other way out and that I was slowly drowning. You were my only way out, but there was no way you would ever do that for me..."
"I forgive you." Louis said softly.
Harry whipped his head around to look at Louis so quickly that Louis was afraid he'd hurt himself, "What...?" he whispered, not daring to hope.
"Yes." Louis nodded, determination and love shining in his eyes as he scooted closer to Harry so he could touch him, "I forgive you, Harry. Yes, you hurt me, but you were protecting me. You also did no small amount of damage to yourself, so I think we're a bit even there."
Harry's eyes welled up again, hope beginning to shine in them, life beginning to return to their green depths, "Please say you mean this and this isn't a dream." He whispered, "I don't think I'd be able to take it if it was a dream."
Louis' heart broke at the smallness of Harry's voice and the fragility he saw in his eyes. He moved closer to the curly haired man and embraced his trembling form lovingly and gently.
"This isn't a dream, baby," Louis whispered to him as if it were a secret, "I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere unless you want me to leave."
"D-don't leave." Harry sniffled, tears finally spilling over again as he returned the embrace, "I'll never want you to leave. Please j-just don't let go."
"Never Hazza." Louis said before lifting himself up a bit to get his face even with Harry's, "I love you too much to let go now. I should've never let you go the first time."
Both boys surged forward at the same time to meet in the middle for a long awaited kiss. One that they've both secretly desired for ages, but never let themselves have. As they kissed, their hearts, both wounded from the events of the past, slowly mended by the other's love.
As it turned out, all they were missing was each other's love.
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Okay so the flashback was very painful for me to write because I KNOW Harry would never act that way or even say things like that to anyone, let alone Louis.
Additionally, bits and pieces of this may seem familiar to avid Larry fic readers and that may be true. I'm not intentionally taking ideas here. Some of this is inspired from other fics that I've read (can't remember names) but I promise I did not copy anyone's work.
The song Harry sings is entitled "Missing" by Evanescence.
This is only part one, told primarily from Louis' POV, part two will be coming soon and will be primarily be told from Harry's POV. I will warn you now, if you are triggered by mentions of suicidal thoughts or depression or even of suicide attempts, his part WILL be the more triggering part. You have been warned.
Let me know your thoughts please, I enjoy reading them!
As always, thank you for the votes, shares, and comments!
All my love,
U_P77