"Psst...Mia," I whisper from the corner of the house, concealing my position to the rest of the party.
It's currently the weekend, the first weekend after my first week at work. One that took a lot out of me. I take a moment to scan the backyard. It's the very yard that holds so many childhood memories. My brothers always wanted to be outside. If we weren't on the ocean, we were in this yard. From wiffle ball to soccer to slip and slides and blow up pools, we did it all.
Currently, there's one of those small blow up pools in the center of the grass, not too different from the one of my childhood. Mia is playing beside it with her dolls. I'm glad to have this time to relax. To just spend it with my family on a hot, late August day. I came home to find this sense of jubilation. To rediscover what life is supposed to be about.
That's the thing though, this weekend is supposed to be fun. It's about being with family, and there's two people who seem to be slacking in the fun department. I intend to change that.
Mia's innocent eyes flicker up from her doll, glancing around the yard, searching for the sound of my voice. They shoot first to the screen door, but quickly switch over to the wall I happen to be using as a shield.
"Over here," I wave quickly before lifting my finger to my mouth to let her know to be quiet. She slowly stands from her location on the grass as she tiptoes over to me.
"What are you doing?" she asks loudly then cups her hand over her mouth causing me to stifle a chuckle.
"I have a mission for you, shall you choose to accept it," I lower my sunglasses to the tip of my nose before descending myself to her eye level.
She excitedly shakes her head up and down. "For me?"
"Yes," I whisper. "A super secret, very important task."
She raises onto her toes before falling back down to her heels. Her hands clap together in front of her as her smile brightens. "Okay."
"It appears we've lost our crew," I say, grabbing her hand and pulling her to the edge of the wall. I slowly look around the barricade, keeping her close to my side. I point to the two logs perched on the chairs. "You see, they've been compromised."
Her confused eyes glance back up at me. "Com-per-mize?"
I smile slightly before lowering myself again. "Compromised. It means they've been distracted by something. Something so powerful that it's taken control of them. We have to pull them out."
Her eyes widen as she takes in my words. She glances back around me, looking at Trevor and Lacy laying on the lawn chairs. They both have their eyes locked onto their phones, zoned out to the rest of the world. I'm sure whatever it is that has consumed them is worth the invisible shield they have deflected, but I think they need a weekend off just as much as I do.
"What happened?" she asks, looking back at me.
"It looks like the dreaded world of social media has captured another few good souls," I say, pressing my hand to my heart adding to the overdramatization of the whole scenario.
"Oh no! How do we get them out?" she asks, looking back at the two zombies on the chairs.
I smile at what I have in store before reaching for her hand and pulling her toward the hose. Beside the spigot is a large bucket. As we get closer, her eyes light up. I can't help the smile that stretches further across my face as I crouch beside the container of water balloons. I grab one in my hand, tossing it up and catching it again.
"I say, we shock them back into our world," I grin, grabbing another balloon and handing it to her.
She nods her head quickly, joining me in my devious smile. Maybe I'm being a bit of a bad influence at the moment, but come on. A chance to pelt my brother with water balloons, with the added joy it's going to bring to Mia's face, how could I not take full advantage of this opportunity?
I reach for a small handful, filling my shirt with plenty of ammunition while Mia does the same. We both stand to our feet, balancing the load we've taken on before taking a few cautious steps toward the end of the wall. "Are you ready?" I whisper.
She slowly nods her head, fighting a laugh that is clearly on the edges of escaping. I can't help but fight my own at seeing her wicked enjoyment. Yep, I'm a bad influence. But what the hell, every mom has a slightly sinful, completely innocently playful side, right?
"On the count of three," I whisper, ignoring the good angel on my shoulder telling me to back down. "One...two...three!"
We both jump out from behind the wall and begin running toward the unsuspecting victims. I throw the first one at Trevor before he has a chance to acknowledge the ambush. It crashes perfectly across his chest causing him to jump up. His first reaction is shock, followed by a very brief flash of anger. One look at Mia's charming smile and he quickly laughs before flinging himself in front of Lacy just in time to catch another water balloon, this one from Mia. Another direct hit. That's my girl.
"Lacy, we need some ammo!" I hear Trevor shout as I hit him with another.
Lacy stands from her seat, bolting for the small blow up pool. I manage to get her in the arm before she grabs a bucket, scooping up water. Mia makes a run for it, zigzagging across the lawn.
"It's you or her, Amber," Lacy shouts with the bucket ready for launch.
Smooth, Lacy. She knows I wouldn't sacrifice my daughter, leaving me fully exposed to the bucket. Just as I am about to attempt to outsmart her, a cold waterfall cascades down my back. I let out a scream, turning to see Trevor with a now empty container. Lacy was a diversion. Nicely played. Little do they know, I've got a fail safe.
Right on cue, I dive to the right just as a fountain of water streams over both Trevor and Lacy. They both yell out, running for cover as I make my way to Mia who has already restocked her supply.
"Mom," Trevor shouts, grabbing Lacy's hand and ducking behind the chairs. "You're not supposed to take sides!"
"Sorry, Son. Amber recruited me as backup. She made a solid case too. One that involved a very beautiful grandchild."
"Not fair, Amber!" he hollers from behind the chair.
"All's fair in a sibling war," I smirk back.
"Yeah, I'll remember that. This isn't over, sis."
This is why I came home. The sound of Mia's laugh, the moments of joy with family, and the smile that's found its way back into my life.
After the escapades outside, I find myself in the kitchen, preparing a snack for Mia before I need to head out to the store. As I slice through the apple, cutting it into small pieces and placing the bite sized chunks on top of the orange slices I've already prepared, I can't help but take in the sight of my childhood home. Not much has changed. The same dining room table sits in front me, bearing the scratches from my pretty awesome preteen bedazzling days. The water marks from Trevor's glasses he always forgot to put a coaster under still linger across the surface.
Those tiny flaws carved into the finish might be worth replacing for some. For me, it stands as a memento of our past. It holds the tales of this household. Both the endless laughs from late night card games, and the nightly dinners where we shared about our day, to the tears my mother shed about my twin brother.
He's made some poor choices growing up, some that I don't even fully understand. What I do know is that he's hurt my mom more often than any of us ever wanted to see. He's working on it now. Something I'm so proud and glad to see, but I know it's a long road. One he's insisting he do on his own. I just don't know if the struggles he's facing can be overcome in isolation. At least, it didn't work for me.
Being home with my family is helping the transition. This week has challenged me, though. I knew coming back here wouldn't be easy. I knew leaving everything behind in New York and starting new, without a single thing, would be strenuous. That it would push me well out of my comfort zone. But this week worked overtime in reminding me of how daunting of a task I have ahead of me.
Week one of being a preschool teacher went about as good as my dad trying to pick up roller blading last week. I thought I was fully prepared for the first day. I had all of my plans laid out, paper cut into fun shapes for the art project I had imagined. The read aloud books were lined up and I made sure to practice every song we would sing that day. What I didn't take into account were the tiny human balls of emotion that were about to be left at my door. I'm a mom, I expected them to cry, I counted on it even, but I don't think there was any amount of preparation to prepare me for the scene that unfolded.
The first boy that arrived on day one made a beeline for the blocks. That was okay with me, he was happy. I even remember letting out a premature sigh of relief and a smile as his parents waved goodbye. The next little girl clung to her mother's leg, refusing to let it go. I tried showing her the coloring pages at the table, the puppets in the corner, I even tried playing in the wooden kitchen with her. No luck.
It wasn't long before another boy began screaming, begging his mom not to leave. I tried to gather the calm ones, getting them at a table to color. It seemed to work for the most part. That allowed me to attend to the criers. I started my conquest with the girl glued to her mother's leg. After a few encouraging words and promises that made her finally smile, she made her way from her mom's leg to mine, which allowed her mom to leave. I remember feeling a tiny ounce of victory in that moment.
With my new leg weight, I knew I had to win over the boy next, the screamer. I crouched down to his level, causing my leg addition to cling to my arm. The flow of snot dripping from the boy's nose was icing on the cake as he flung himself into my arms, rubbing his face against my shoulder. I wasn't upset about it. I've had so many bodily fluids on me as a mom, but it was definitely quite the added welcoming gift.
It took me nearly an hour to settle everyone, but I felt accomplished after each small win. I still had a permanent attachment to my side at that point, but at least most of the tears were gone. That was until lunch came to an end. I am pretty sure at that point the kids thought the day was over. When they realized their parents weren't coming yet, the waterworks began again. Round two of settling the panic.
The problem with crying after lunch is that their tiny little bellies were still settling. Add the swirl of anxiety and cue the return of the cute little boy's lunch. I really didn't know if that first day would get any worse, but in that moment, I almost had to laugh. I had that whole day planned to a tee. Every project, every book, every song that would be sung at exactly what time, and there I was, wiping puke off the floor while cradling a shy little girl to my side. I was in for such a different picture than I imagined.
The rest of the week was more of the same. More tears each morning that slowly decreased in a quicker amount of time each day. It wasn't until Friday that things actually felt like they were settling. When Jacob, the screamer, finally came in with quiet tears. When Liliana, the body attachment finally resorted to just holding my hand instead of melding to me. When every student stood in a straight line to and from recess. One week. It took the entire week and now they're back home for two whole days. I'm pretty sure I'll be starting all over again on Monday.
But right now, it's the weekend. A weekend that I have been taking advantage of. I take Mia her bowl of fruit before heading out to the store.
Grocery shopping has become my weekend routine. With work and Mia's dance classes, the weekdays are just too hectic to make it out to the store. Shopping on the weekend and making sure to get enough lunches and meals for the week seems to alleviate some of the stress.
I've always been in charge of meals and keeping Mia busy with activities, whether they be something organized like dance, an art project I found online, or just playing at the park. I don't like to spend too much time around the house. I like to get her out or keep us both entertained with something hands on. Lately, the energy to do those things has been dwindling. I don't want to give up any of those things with her, so I'm trying my best to stay just as enthusiastically involved as I've always been. I don't want me pulling her out here and getting a job to interfere with the routine she's known her whole life. I can't keep changing major pieces of stability for her. I think starting over in California is enough of a life altering change.
This whole starting over thing sucks, too. I'm barely standing at this point, but I am standing. I still have so much to do, though. I need to get out of my parents' house. I love my mom, but I need my space, we need our space. I need to find something, but I don't think I can do it with the money I'm making now. That means I need to get a second job, taking me away from Mia.
Part of me wants to call Vince. To ask him for just enough to cover some of Mia's bills. I get a pretty good discount by working at the preschool, but it's still pretty pricey. The dance classes I got her signed up for aren't exactly cheap either. Maybe if he can just cover those two things, I could get us on our feet. It would help, but it would also give him the control I know he's so desperately seeking right now. If I give him that, if I give him any sense of claim over me right now, he's going to use that to prove that I need him, to pull me back in. I have to show him and myself that I can do this on my own.
As I pull up to the store, my phone begins to ring. When I look at the name flashing across my screen, my chest tightens before relaxing on a picture of him and Mia. It's one of my favorites of the two of them. Actually, it's my favorite memory of them. It was simple, just a family day at the park, but we were happy. We laughed for the first time in a long time, and the smile on Mia's face was brighter than any other smile I had seen in a very long time. Like she sensed the genuine joy from her parents, picking up on the sparks of happiness we exuded. Something that was so rarely there for her to enjoy.
I ignore the happy moment, and the fact that I was just thinking about reaching out to him. I hesitate for one more brief second before answering the call.
"Hi, Vince."
"Hi. Can I talk to Mia?" he quickly asks. I know I shouldn't be shocked that there's no polite formalities. No how are you, how have you been. He was upset I left. He fought me on it, threatened getting the court involved, but a few pictures of some bruises quieted him. I'm not proud I resorted to blackmail, but I just had to get out. I had to get away.
"I'm at the store right now," I answer shortly. The shorter the better with him.
"And she's not there? You just left her while you run around?"
I take a deep breath, settling the sudden fear that naturally spreads across my chest, constricting me. "I didn't just leave her, Vince. She's with my mom, and she preferred to stay there and play rather than sit in a cart while I shop for food."
He's quiet for a moment, and I can feel my heart rate picking up speed, becoming stronger as it pounds against its walls.
"I'm sorry, you're right," he exhales, catching me completely off guard. I'm right? "I just...I was hoping to talk to her, that's all."
My chest should be getting lighter at his response, but his cool, collective state is more frightening than the explosive one. This state is unpredictable.
"I know. I will have her call you as soon as I get home," I reassure him, immediately regretting my use of words, or word. One that he picks up on right away.
"Home, huh?" he questions, pointing out the meaning behind it.
I don't say anything. Silence is always safer.
"How are you, Amber?" that tone in his voice, the sound that he genuinely cares is the very one I fell in love with. It's one I haven't heard in a really long time. One that only comes out lately when he knows I'm slipping away. One he uses to pull me back in. My brain knows that, heck, my heart knows it too. It's the mother in me, the one trying to make this family work that doesn't seem to understand the game he's so damn good at playing.
I think about what he's asking though. How am I? I'm barely hanging on. I'm working so damn hard to prove to myself and to Mia that I made the right choice. Coming out here, coming home was what was best for us. That's why I did it, yet lately it's been harder and harder to convince myself of that.
"I'm good," I reply, not wanting him to see my struggle.
He lets out a sigh through the phone. One that cuts through me, reminding me that he still has those good qualities, buried deep inside. "I wish you would let me help you. She's my daughter too."
There's that damn ping pong ball inside my head. The one that is constantly being slammed across the table. Showing that he can be kind, caring, considerate. But then the ball is crushed right back to the other side reminding me that those qualities are all just pawns on the board. His game strategy to wear me down.
"I know. But really, we're okay," I falsely reassure him.
"Amber, I know you needed this space. I know why you needed it, and I'm willingly giving it to you, but I still love you. You know that, right? Just, promise me you'll let me know if you need help. For Mia's sake if not your own."
I know he's right. I know Mia deserves better than what I'm providing her right now. But if I take his money, it's going to suck us right back in. I left to protect her. I left to give her a life that wasn't full of pain, anger, fear. I know why I left. I just have to keep pushing until I finally land on my feet.
"I will," I tell him, letting him have some type of peace.
"Okay. Have Mia call me when you get back?"
"Yeah," I respond before dropping the phone in my lap. I let my head fall against the headrest, ignoring the pulsing ache in my chest. I made the right choice. We will land on our feet. We will come out better, stronger. I can do this.
I slowly lift my head, forcing the storm to settle as I let my thoughts make their way back to the one thing in my life that I would fight to the end for. The one bright light that makes all of this possible. I will do this. I'll do it for her, and I'll do it for myself. I just wish I didn't have to do it alone.