Chapter 31
We didn't have to go to work the next day because the contestants were only in need of the choreographers and singing instructors, and we judges had already stepped in and helped them with what needed to be rearranged for the live show. We were going in tomorrow, though, to make sure everything was as intended.
If I were honest, I was a bit disappointed that we weren't going there today because I felt an urge to meet Harry after his phone call last night. I wanted to make sure he was alright, that he wasn't putting himself down for this too since it was obvious it bothered him that he couldn't bring himself to stay at Leah's place.
I felt split on what to think about the situation. Since I still loved him, I couldn't help but be a bit relieved that things weren't working between them, but when I heard how sad he was about it, I felt as though my feelings didn't matter. Because all I wanted was for him to be happy, so if he was upset about not being able to stay with her, then I couldn't find relief in it.
All this made me think of why he felt like he couldn't date in the first place. He had made it clear that he didn't want to talk to me about it, seeing as he had become defensive as soon as I mentioned the words 'maybe you feel that way because it's not right', which in this case could only mean one thing; he knew it was true. He was most likely aware of why he felt uncomfortable dating these people. He just didn't like the reason behind it.
Which made my thoughts land on me. If he didn't want to talk to me about it specifically, considering our past, I couldn't see any other reason why, if not because he wasn't completely over our relationship.
And if that was true, it most likely added to why he didn't want us to get closer. I knew that he avoided me because he was scared of getting hurt again. So if these two reasons were added together, he had an even greater motive to avoid me since that would mean I meant more to him than he wanted me to.
Coming to this realization should probably make me happy, but it only made me sad because I wanted it to be under different circumstances. I didn't want him to hate the fact that I still meant something to him. I wanted him to like it, embrace it and be happy about it.
With a deep sigh, I looked down at the notebook on my lap. I was sitting on my couch in the living room, trying to write another song. It had been easier lately. It was like my hands and brain worked together with barely any effort. Every time I knew what to write about, it was like it came naturally to me.
Pursing my lips, I tilted my head to the side as I read the words I had scribbled down the last couple of days.
Never been so defenceless. Never been so defenceless. You just keep on building up your fences, but I've never been so defenceless.
They were some of the most honest words I had written in a long time. I had tried my best to get through to Harry even if he was building up all these walls between us. Some of them had started to fall, but I knew it would take time to make them all do so. I just hoped he would realize how much I still cared about him and that I had never stopped doing so.
Biting my bottom lip, I fiddled with the pen in my hand before pressing it against the paper. I could feel my heart thump in my chest as I let my hand write the following words.
I hope that I'm not asking too much, just wanna be loved by you. And I'm too tired to be tough, just wanna be loved by you.
I stared at the lyrics for at least thirty seconds, feeling insecure about them. I was definitely asking too much. I wasn't sure if I could even add them to the song because things would be too obvious. This entire song was too obvious. If Harry ever listened to it, he would know how strong my feelings were for him, which was kind of what I wanted, but I knew it would only scare him away as things were now.
Letting out a sigh, I contemplated whether to erase the words altogether. Unfortunately, I didn't have a lot of time to do so because right then, my phone on the coffee table started ringing.
My first instinct was to tense since the last time it had vibrated, Harry had been the one calling me. So when I looked at the screen and saw Simon's name, I could feel my heart drop in disappointment.
Hesitatingly, I picked up the device, swiping my finger across the screen before bringing it to my ear. "Hello?"
"Good afternoon, Louis. I hope everything's alright with you," he greeted, his voice sounding gentle.
It made me furrow my brows. He never sounded genuine if he didn't have anything in store. "I'm alright. Thank you, I guess," I mumbled, confusion lacing my voice.
"Can't I ask how you're doing without you finding it strange?" He scoffed. "I've known you for eight years, Louis."
Snorting, I rolled my eyes. "I don't know if that's the right word. You've been my manager for eight years. I can't really say that I know you very well, though. Besides, you always have something on your mind when you ask me how I'm doing," I replied, not even caring that I sounded rude. This was Simon after all. He deserved it.
He hummed quietly on the other end. "Eight years and still just as feisty," he muttered. "Anyway, there is, in fact, a reason why I'm calling you. I wanted to know how things are going with the show?"
My gaze fell on the black screen of the television, my eyebrows pinched together. I didn't see a good reason for him to care about it since it didn't concern him at all. "It's going alright. Why are you asking me?" I asked in a bored tone.
Simon was quiet for a few seconds. "Because I'm your manager, Louis. It's my job to check on you and see how things are going. It pleases me to hear that things are alright, though. What about Harry? Are things alright between you too?"
I wished I was sitting in the same room as him so that I could see his face because only hearing his voice made it difficult to know his honest thoughts about the matter. He didn't give anything away either. He just sounded plain. "I'm not going to talk to you about him," I stated. "Not now, not ever again."
He let out an obnoxious laugh, making the hairs on my arms stand up. "Louis, Louis, Louis, what am I going to do with you?" He chuckled, and I could almost see the smirk on his face. "Should I take it things are not working very well between you then? I thought everything was going smoothly, what with you sharing sunglasses and everything. I'm sad to hear I was wrong."
I let out a scoff, running a hand through my tousled hair. "You don't give a shit, Simon. All you ever care about is money and reputation. It's always been that way, and it always will be. But you know what? You don't have to care about it since you succeeded in your plan of manipulating me into thinking he was going to leave me if I didn't leave him first. I know how smug you are about it, so don't sit there and lie to me how fucking sad you are that things aren't working between us," I snarled, my nostrils flaring.
He let out a bitter sigh, his voice darker than usual. "I knew you would go falling for him again when you decided to participate in the show. You're so weak, Louis. Haven't you realized that you will never be enough for him? He'll never want you after everything you've put him through."
I could feel my blood starting to boil in my veins as I clenched my jaw. "I'm sick and tired of your fucking words, Simon. Keep your thoughts inside your head, and don't mention them to me because you will never fucking get to me again," I snapped, my teeth clashing together in anger.
He let out a humorous chuckle, making me shudder uncomfortably. "Alright, Louis. Just don't forget that I tried to warn you," he said gently, as if I hadn't just snapped at him twice.
"Fuck off," I muttered, pulling the phone from my ear to click on the 'end' button.
I threw the device across the couch, letting out a frustrated groan as I ran both of my hands over my face. I then slouched over with my elbows on my thighs, feeling tears prick my eyes. I didn't understand how I could have let this sick man ruin the only good thing in my life. I hated that he was so good at manipulating people. He had probably done it tons of times before, and I fell into the trap just like everyone else did. I was so clueless and blind, but that didn't mean I was going to fall for it again. I was sick and tired of listening to this man, and I couldn't wait until the contract would end in two years.
The sound of my phone vibrating on the other end of the couch made me snap out of my thoughts. I looked up at the device, staring at it for a long time until eventually deciding to get up to fetch it. Judging from the way it only vibrated once, I knew it was only a text message this time, so I didn't hurry over to get it.
It was a text from Liam. We hadn't talked as much lately, but he was informed that things were starting to work between me and Harry. I had told him that we had talked about what happened between us, that nothing was weighing us down anymore other than the fact that it was going to take time for Harry to trust me again. He didn't know what happened yesterday, though, but I would have to inform him of that some other time because his message was about something completely different.
Liam: Hey, mate. Since Niall is back from his trip to Ireland now, I thought we should have a get-together, all four of us. It's been a while since we were in Ibiza, and since things are better between you and Harry now, I thought it would be a great idea. What do you say?
I stared at the screen, reading the message at least four times until it registered what he was suggesting. My mind was still locked on my and Simon's conversation, but it did sound like a good idea once I managed to process it. I didn't mind spending time with the boys now that things weren't that bad between me and Harry anymore. I found myself even liking the idea. It had been so long since we hung out and had fun without any complications.
Louis: Sounds great, mate! I agree. It's been a while since we last hung out together. Just tell me when and where and I'll be there.
It didn't take more than half a minute until my phone vibrated again.
Liam: I was thinking you could come to my place next Friday? Both you and Harry are free then, right?
Louis: Yeah, that'll be great!
I put my phone away after that, feeling grateful that Liam had decided to text me after that phone call with Simon. It got me in a much better mood than I had been in only a couple of minutes ago.
So instead of going back to sulking about what had happened years ago that couldn't be changed now anyway, I picked up my guitar from the floor and started working on a melody to the lyrics I had written earlier.
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When I came into work the next day, the first thing I noticed was that things were off. Well, at least two things because Harry was the only one there when I entered the lounge room. He was lying on one of the couches just like I had done the other day, with his long legs hanging over the armrest while singing softly.
The second thing I noticed was that he was wearing his Ray-Bans. I hadn't really thought about it, but now that he was wearing them, I realized they had been gone the last couple of days. I wondered if that meant what I was afraid it did.
"Don't call me baby again. You got your reasons. I know that you're tryna be friends. I know you mean it. Don't call me baby again. It's hard for me to go home, be so lonely."
I swallowed at the sound of his voice, feeling my throat clog as the words processed in my head. It felt like I was sneaking on him, eavesdropping on something I shouldn't hear since it was kind of obvious the lyrics were about me. And I had a feeling he didn't want me to hear it.
If I were honest, I wasn't sure if I wanted to listen because hearing him repeat how he no longer wanted to be with me hurt more every time he mentioned it. I knew I only had myself to blame, but I couldn't help but wonder if things would always be like this.
Before I could back out of the room and pretend I hadn't entered in the first place, Harry turned his head to me, and I could see how his eyebrows arched in surprise behind his sunglasses. His voice instantly died out, his mouth forming the shape of an 'o'. He then cleared his throat, getting up in a sitting position and turning to face the floor instead of looking at me.
"Hi," I greeted, feeling awkward. It was like I had just been caught doing something I shouldn't.
He pulled his bottom lip between his teeth, his gaze not leaving the floor. "Hey," he mumbled.
I narrowed my eyes at the sound of his voice. He seemed distant, as if he would rather do anything than talk to me. If I were honest, I wasn't sure if he appreciated any of our conversations, but it had felt like that was about to change lately. Now, though, he sounded like he did before things started getting better between us, and it only added to my fear of why he was wearing those sunglasses.
Instead of walking out of the room like I had probably done a couple of weeks ago, I walked further inside, sitting down on the couch opposite him. He was wearing his grey hoodie with the word 'Damn' on the front. It looked so good and cozy on him that I could feel my arms itch to wrap around his frame.
"Was that a new song you were singing?" I asked, and I wanted to close my eyes hit myself because I was pretty sure I didn't want to bring that up.
He shrugged his shoulders, keeping his gaze down. "Something like that."
His lack of answer made me furrow my eyebrows. Something was definitely off.
Letting out a sigh, I ran a hand through my brown locks. "Is this about the conversation we had over the phone the other night?" I continued, trying to make him look at me by keeping my gaze on his figure.
He was stubborn, though, refusing to give in. He took a long time to answer, his fingers playing with the rings on his right hand. "I don't really want to talk about it," he mumbled, keeping his voice low.
I wanted to pull at my hair in frustration. Everything felt so hopeless when it came to him these days. I didn't know how to get to him when he was so ignorant, so why was I trying so hard?
"You're wearing your sunglasses, and you're being distant with me, so it's obvious something's bugging you. Also, considering how quickly your demeanor changed when you noticed me being in the room makes it easy for me to know I'm the reason behind it," I muttered.
I could see how his brows knitted as he eventually decided to look up at me. He kept his eyes on my face for a long time until he reached up to push his sunglasses to the top of his head, revealing his beautiful, green eyes. He still kept his emotions inside, though, not letting his features express any feelings.
"It's just easy to hide behind them," he explained, making the muscles tense in my body.
I never expected him to admit that. Although I had a feeling that was the reason, it took me by surprise. Therefore, nothing came out when I opened my mouth to talk. I had to try at least three times until I finally managed to get words past my lips. "I... kinda figured."
Now it was his turn to look surprised. He tilted his head to the side, his eyes twinkling from the lights in the room. He was impressed, I could tell by the way his lips twitched slightly. "If there's anyone who would, it'd be you."
A warm feeling spread in my chest at his words, my lips curling into a smile. It was probably the greatest compliment he had given me since we broke up. It almost made me blush, but I forced the heat away from my cheeks, looking down at the coffee table not to make things worse.
When I didn't say anything, he took it upon himself to continue, "I'm sorry about the other night, by the way. I don't know why I said all that to you. I just... I kinda felt like I wanted to talk to you after what happened, but I wasn't supposed to tell you all that."
Biting my bottom lip, I looked up at him, seeing how hesitant he was. He probably contemplated if it was a good idea to bring the topic up. "I don't mind. I was just sad that you felt like you couldn't talk to me about it. I'll always listen, you know? You might not believe it, but I still care about you," I admitted, feeling my cheeks heat up anyway.
He nodded, his lips twitching almost reluctantly. "I know."
I was pretty sure I shouldn't be surprised about this since I hadn't exactly been trying to hide how much I cared about him, but I didn't expect him to let himself believe it, let alone admit it to me.
"You do?" I breathed, inhaling a large puff of air.
He rolled his eyes as if he thought I was being an idiot. "I'm not blind, Louis, and I'm not deaf either. I can tell you still care about me. I just... I'm not ready to trust you yet because I thought I knew you cared about me when you left me too. So the thought of being close to you scares the hell out of me."
Again, it hurt to hear him say those words, but for the first time since he started mentioning them, I really listened to him. I had not held back on showing him that I wanted us to get closer the last couple of days, even if he had told me more times than once that he was afraid. It made me wonder if pushing him into it wasn't the right thing to do.
"I guess I still have a lot to prove then," I smiled faintly, making him look at me hesitantly.
"I guess."
I let myself look around the room, remembering that we were still the only people here. I wondered if Patrick had informed me of the wrong time or what else was going on. "Do you know where the rest are? I was sure we were going to meet here," I asked, pulling my eyebrows together.
He pursed his lips, his gaze falling on the door. "I'm pretty sure they told us to be here at ten. It's only nine."
My eyes widened, and I quickly fished my phone from the back pocket of my jeans to check if he was right. 9:05. I must have been in such a hurry that I didn't check the hour, only the minutes. "Fuck," I groaned, running my hands over my face while letting out a light chuckle. "I'm such an idiot."
He joined my laughter, his lips twitching slightly. "It's pretty nice to be here early, though. It's so calm and quiet," he pointed out, lying down on the couch again, throwing his long legs over one armrest while he rested his head on the other.
I did the same, lying down on my couch although my feet only reached just over the armrest. He was right. It was nice, very peaceful and relaxing. "Never thought you would say that after arriving late almost every day at the beginning of this journey," I couldn't help but say, hoping he could hear the teasing tone in my voice.
Thankfully, I saw a small smile form on his lips. "Yeah, I know. I guess I just tried to do everything that would make you not recognize me. That way, it was easier to keep you at a distance, and I could also hide how hurt I still was after everything that happened between us."
I raised my brows in surprise. I didn't know that. "Wait, really? But Anne--"
"Mum just covered for me. She probably told you stuff about my management. I mean, they did want me to act a certain way, but I never did as they told, which I've already told you. I've stayed off social media because I don't like what people say about me. They don't know the real me. They just know this guy who's with different girls all the time. I'm quite sick of people sexualizing me, you know?"
Maybe I should have known that too. As mentioned before, Harry wasn't a person to just give in and let someone else control his life. He had shown me that so many times in the past. So I should have known that there was another reason he was staying away from social media these days.
"I understand," I grimaced. "How come you're telling me this, though? Since you did all that to keep me at a distance, I mean. What makes you not want to keep up with it?"
He pursed his lips, staring up at the ceiling as he folded his hands behind his head. "I guess I can't keep acting like someone I'm not. I mean, I like acting, but not when it comes to real life. Besides, I don't see the reason for it anymore. There are other ways to keep you at a distance," he explained, biting his bottom lip.
"I see," I hummed, turning my gaze to the ceiling as well.
I couldn't help but think back to how he had acted a couple of months ago, the way he had barely looked at me the first day, and the way he wouldn't talk to me, as if I was repulsive. I also thought about the way he had acted when we were at that pub in Cardiff, how he flirted his way inside and got us free drinks. It was definitely not the Harry I had grown to know.
But if he had done all that to keep me away from him, then why did he join me twice when we ate at those restaurants and I went out to have a smoke? Why did he help me when I had been sexually harassed at the pub in Cardiff? Why did he confront me about Eleanor that time in the hotel's hallway? And what about when he texted me out of nowhere about her? And when he followed me to that bathroom in Ibiza? He didn't try to keep me at a distance then.
Instead of asking him about this, I let myself think about the answer. It could have to do about what he said, how he still wanted to talk to me even if he was scared of getting too close. So maybe he found it hard to control himself those times.
This only made me realize even more how much I must have been hurting him, how much I still was hurting him. He shouldn't have to control himself. He shouldn't have to feel the need to try so hard to keep me at a distance.
With this on my mind, I kept my gaze on the ceiling, my hands laced on my stomach.
We laid there for a while in silence, just enjoying the quietness and peacefulness until I decided to break it after almost five minutes. "Simon called me yesterday," I said, turning back to look at him.
He still kept his eyes on the ceiling, but his jaw was clenched now. "What did he say?" He questioned with a bite to his tone, but I could tell his anger wasn't directed at me.
"He asked me how the show is going, and uh... how things are between us," I admitted, seeing how his body tensed.
"And what did you say?"
Clearing my throat, I bit the inside of my cheek. "Nothing. I told him I didn't want to talk to him about us. Not now, not ever again."
A trace of a smile showed on his lips as he nodded slowly, letting the words process in his head. "Good."
I looked down at my feet, contemplating whether to continue or not. He probably didn't want to know what else he said, and I wasn't going to tell him why he said it to begin with. "I just... want you to know that I will never listen to what he says about you again. He managed to manipulate me once, but he won't be able to do it twice," I confessed, biting my lip. It felt nothing but awkward to admit this, but he needed to know that I didn't worship the ground he walked, as he thought I did.
It took a long time until he opened his mouth to reply to me. "That... that sounds good," he smiled almost forcefully, turning to meet my gaze.
I nodded, my eyes finding the ceiling. "And I want you to know that I'm glad you are yourself again. I just... I just really missed you, and even though you don't want us to get too close, I'm happy that you're at least you. I wouldn't want you to act like someone else because of me. So if you don't want me to get too close, I'll keep my distance," I mumbled, hating the idea, but I couldn't force him to want me around if it wasn't what he wanted.
Something flashed through his eyes when I looked at him, and he knitted his eyebrows. "That's... great."
With a sad smile, I averted my gaze again, feeling my heart clench in my chest. I didn't want us to be like this. I wanted us to be close and feel more comfortable around each other, but if this part of him weighed over the one that wanted to talk to me, then there wasn't much for me to do.
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Another chapter! I hope you liked this one! And I think I'm going to stop apologizing for taking so long to update because I've realized it's probably going to take this long for me now. A lot of you have shown your support, and I'm so thankful for that. I hope you all understand x
Apart from that, I'm just going to say that Harry wearing the blue bandana at least three times during this month has given me life. The fact that they're still giving us content like this makes me so soft.
Thank you for reading, voting and commenting. Love you loads, see you soon <3
Edited by: butterflies151
Pauline .xx