ONLY WITH acceptance can you move on.
It allows your mind to understand and perceive reality for what it is; not the scenarios passing through your head.
How you wish something could have turned out versus how it actually did.
To become at peace, you need to free your mind.
Free yourself from expectations and accept.
☆•☆•☆•☆•☆•☆•☆•☆
"Layla? Are you okay?" My grandfather asks me when he sees my untouched cereal. I look up to his concerned gaze before passing him a smile.
"Yeah, I'm fine."
"Layla Khai Fraser, if anything is bugging you, please let me know," My grandfather says trying to be stern, using the same tactic I use on him when he isn't cooperating in terms of his meds, diet or anything in general. "Since when do we keep secrets?"
"Keep trying Thomas Fraser, one day you might perfect the art of using the full name," I joked, making my grandfather look at me with a deadpanned expression.
"Very funny," He says sarcastically, and I try to grin at him to give him the impression of me feeling to be in a better mood. I take a spoonful of my cereal, and I smile at him when I see him watching me.
"I find happiness in your happiness, Layla," my grandfather tells me truthfully as his eyes gleamed with affection. My heart melts.
"I find happiness in your health, Thomas. Take your afternoon meds," I grinned at him, making him roll his eyes.
"Can't ever have a break with you woman, can I? Marie has been on my back all morning over resting from the blood test. Like it's not that serious!" He vents to me making me chuckle.
"Does she know about yesterday?" I hesitate to make him look at me with a half-smile.
"It's your choice, you can choose to tell her if you want."
I smile at him appreciatively with sad eyes. I loved my aunt but I knew just like how strict she was with my grandfather, she would be even twice as strict with me.
My grandfather turns around to dry the wet dishes.
"I'm still considering going back to school," I speak up making my grandfather freeze in his spot. He puts down the plate he was drying and looks at me with glazed eyes.
"Even after what happened? Do you think it would be a wise idea, Layla?" he asks me. I gulp down the last of my cereal before giving him a light smile.
Reassurance.
"I've been thinking about it," I say making my grandfather's eyebrows shoot up in surprise. "This is my last year in my high school days and if anything were to happen at school," I started and my grandfather opened his mouth to shoot down my idea of going to school entirely. Before he could object, I interject.
"Which won't happen!" I say loudly, overshadowing his protest. He rolls his eyes.
"Anyways, if anything were to happen the school faculty is there and I also have Kayden," I conclude. I look at my grandfather to gauge his reaction. He exhales as if deep in thought.
"I have to think about it, Layla. I think it's too soon, especially since what happened yesterday..." He trails off into a distant whisper.
"Trust me. I'm serious about this. I want this for myself. I'm done hiding in the shadows, not being able to do anything. I can't even go to the milkshake parlour without fear...I can even come back home from my aunt's house without getting jumped. Wherever I go, I can't escape reality. What needs to happen will happen. Hiding hasn't solved my problems before and continuing to hide won't solve them now either," I ranted, my voice cracking.
Tears well up in my eyes. It was harder to say it out loud than I had first thought. I couldn't even bring myself up to look at my grandfather.
I sounded so ungrateful, bratty, and unreasonable.
I take the chance and look up at him through my lashes.
"Layla," He says his eyes looking down at me with slight fear. Fear for what the future could hold. Fear for what he was permitting me to do. "I stand by what I said..."
I look up at him, holding my breath.
"...I find happiness in your happiness."
"I know. I haven't made my decision yet I hope you won't get mad if I end up wanting to go," I tell him honestly, voicing my concern.
"I just hope you aren't rushing it. I feel as if you are still running on adrenaline. If Kayden hadn't shown up, things could have looked completely different and I wouldn't have ever been able to forgive myself," He whispered trying to convince me to not go. He leaned against the kitchen sink, momentarily lost in his thoughts looking as if he was debating himself.
"I wasn't against it before, hell, I wanted you to go, but yesterday changed everything."
"Yesterday changed everything for me too. I realized that avoiding didn't change my circumstances. I might as well do what I want. Screw everyone else's opinion," I tell him, trying to justify myself. We settle into a weighted silence as I stare at my empty cereal bowl in front of me while I know my grandfather is pondering.
"Okay, Layla." My grandfather says after a minute or two. My head snaps up to his.
"I'll support you in anything you choose. If you want to go to school let me know by the end of the day and I will go register you. You might as well tell Carter about your decision," He grunts out. A big smile blooms on my face as I rush over to the kitchen sink beside him with my empty cereal bowl. I throw the bowl in and then hug my grandfather briefly.
"Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!" I excitedly scream as I rush over to my bedroom to grab my clothes and rush into the shower. I could hear my grandfather chuckle behind me.
I wanted to tell Kayden right after school.
☆•☆•☆•☆•☆•☆•☆•☆
"What's up, bae," Kayden says as he walks into the clearing.
At the sound of his familiar, husky, deep voice I turn my head in his direction. I hold up my phone making him raise a brow. The grass crunches with his every step as he comes up next to me, sitting down on my blue blanket.
"I'm playing this game. It's so hard! I can't get past my grandfather's high score," I whined before collapsing on the blanket allowing the feeling of the cotton underneath me to calm me down.
"You're all worked up because of Piano Tiles?" He said incredulously before laughing, throwing his head back.
"Keep laughing, bitch. You don't know what you're saying," I glare at him making him look at me with a deadpanned expression. "This is an extreme sport. It requires good hand and eye coordination."
"What do you know about extreme sports? Piano Tiles? Bae, you just need fast, long fingers," He tells me before passing me a wink with a smirk. I look at him with a glare.
"You're despicable," I scoff making him look at me with an arrogant, wolfish expression.
"Let me try. I bet I can beat your lame-ass high score," he challenges me making me roll my eyes.
"Okay, fine."
He takes my phone with a smirk and then starts to furiously tap on the screen.
"Why the fuck is your volume not on," He glares at the phone screen, still playing the game, slightly bewilderedly. "You need the volume up or you can't hear the music."
I ignore his whining, resting my hand on his strong shoulder, trying to peer over at the screen. He was playing really well. He was already way past my grandfather's score. I look at the screen in disbelief.
"Carino, I can't see shit with your hair in my face."
"Oops?" I say sheepishly as I try to move back, tucking my hair behind my shoulder and ears. Suddenly his hand reaches out, stopping me.
"Nah, stay," He gives me an easy smile and I move back so I'm leaning on him again, looking at his high score that was being celebrated on the screen. He passes me back my phone with an arrogant smirk which I throw on the grass next to me.
"See? None of that hand, eye coordination shit because your hair was in my face half the time and I still beat the score," He smirks at me making me glare at him.
"Forget that," I scoffed trying to change the subject. "How was your third day at school?" I ask him.
He gives me a lopsided smile as he leans down so that he is resting his head on my lap, staring up at the sky. I look down at his peaceful face, admiring how clear and perfect his skin is and how he was gifted with such perfect features.
How did it feel being god's favourite?
"It was good. I'm hanging out with that girl from the other day. She seems pretty chill. Also, seems like not all guys at that school are complete dicks so I played some basketball with some guys before school. It was fun playing with people who are slightly better than you." He teased and I scoffed.
"I try my best I'm sorry I can't launch the ball at that tree like Lebron James."
"Kidding, Carino. I know you try for me. I appreciate your efforts and your cute, puny arms. There is just so far that could get you..."
"Take that back, bitch," I glared down at him. He looks up at me with a wolfish expression and I crack a smile.
"You and your stupid words.... my arms aren't even puny," I shake my head before looking up at the bright sky above us. The clouds were starkly white in comparison to the bright blue sky. I loved how perfectly picturesque it looked.
It seemed like someone had turned the saturation up high.
"I don't know if your mother told you but I had a short conversation with her when I went to get some sugar yesterday," I say, lost in replaying the scene in my head as I spoke. The wind blows at Kayden's hair and I fight the urge to run my fingers through them.
"Oh?" He says in surprise, eyes flashing in slight shock and panic. Panic for what?
I couldn't help myself so I brought my hand into his curly hair, feeling the stands part with my fingers. Kayden inhales sharply when he feels my hands tangle up in his hair.
"What did she say?" He mumbles, instantly calming down as his voice falls a few octaves. I couldn't tell what he was feeling. I gulped, feeling a shift in the atmosphere.
"Nothing, small talk here and there and uh- she told me you guys were coming over for dinner at my Aunt Marie's today."
"Yea," Kayden tells me as he adjusts in his spot. I try to retract my fingers from his soft curls but he stops me.
"Don't stop."
So, I continue to play with his hair. I watch as he closes his eyes, rolling his eyes back.
"Kayden," I whispered as I looked down at him. The silence around us is comforting, the cool breeze washing over us taking all our stress away.
"Mhm," He mumbles. I admire his head resting on my lap. He was wearing a soft brown-coloured hoodie along with tan-coloured pants. He was also wearing all white, air forces to tie up his look along with his silver necklace that dangled from his neck.
I really loved the way he dressed.
"I'm thinking of actually going back to school now," I say with my head towards the sky, eyes closed. I feel him shift on my lap. I knew he was looking at me.
"Really?" He tells me softly. Moving his head off my lap to sit next to me, staring directly into my eyes. Reading me. Analyzing me. Memorizing me. A soft smile graces his lips.
"You sure about it?" he questions. I exhaled and bit the insides of my mouth. We talked about this before.
"I think so."
His smile falters a little.
"You know I heard what they were saying to you," Kayden mumbles after a moment of silence. My heart sinks as my eyes snap over to his. He looks at me, trying to comfort me with his gaze. "I don't know what that was all about but I know that if it was enough to draw you to tears. So, it must have been serious."
My heart shatters as he speaks. I didn't even think about how he must have seen the situation. Seeing me in that position, surrounded by three boys who were obviously stronger, taller and more intimidating than me.
"When I snapped at them, I didn't need to know the reason. You were in tears and something in me broke. I don't go around punching people but I also don't tolerate bullshit..." he says as he looks up at the sky while I look over at him, analyzing him. "You're strong, Carino. But, they looked aggressive so I thought I should step in. Otherwise, I have no doubt you would have 'capable woman-ed' your way out of it."
I exhale shakily, feeling my eyes grow hot as tears threaten to spill from bay. It was hard hearing him narrate it from his perspective. I didn't realize how much I had endured, slightly hoping it was all in my head.
"You haven't been to school in a while and this decision isn't easy for you. Maybe you should think more about it. Regardless of what you choose, I'll still be happy for you. Just think about it more."
I look at him with a fixated expression.
I spent all night yesterday thinking about it. I had faced my worst fear. My grandfather couldn't protect me from it, hiding couldn't protect me from it... nothing could.
I was literally just walking home.
"I am confident about my decision. I want to go to a real high school and have that experience for my last year. I won't get anything from staying cooped up at home and talking to the same person every single day. I'm sure even my teacher is bored of me at this point," I tell him, looking into his intense gaze. It softens when my eyes meet his.
"I love when you're passionate like honestly please keep talking," He grins at me before running a hand through his brown locks where my hands were buried just seconds before.
I laugh at him with amusement, no longer feeling my heart break in my chest.
"I know I'm hot, tell me something I don't know," I winked back at him, coming closer to him so we were face to face. His eyes shine back at mine with challenge, amusement, and affection.
"It's hot when you match my wave too," he says lowly with a smirk, moving the slightest closer.
My heart flutters and I feel my cheeks heat up. I scoff as I move back into my personal space. Kayden bursts out laughing.
"Yet, you're cute like this too."
"Wow, I'm blushing," I say sarcastically as my fingers weave into the grass beside me, pulling at its roots.
"Yes, you actually are," He teases, slightly knocking his shoulder with mine.
"When you come to school," Kayden starts. I look back into his eyes and harshly pull at the grass underneath my fingertips in nervousness.
"I'll be there, so don't worry at all. I won't let shit happen to you," He tells me honestly, his eyes blazing into mine with promise.
I bite my lip to keep from smiling madly.
"I promise."
"I know."
I didn't even doubt him for a second.
We settled back into a comfortable silence and he slid down back into my lap, using it as a pillow.
My heart warms up as I look down at his face.
"What was your life like back in the city?" I ask him as I stare up at the sky which is a beautiful gradient between a serenity blue and a rose quartz pink. Kayden was looking up at the same sky with his eyes reflecting the hues above.
I could tell he was thinking about his answer.
"A lot of things. I don't miss it though."
I look at him in confusion.
"You spent 10 years there, you don't miss anything?"
"As I told you before, there is nothing to miss," he tells me simply and I swallow.
"Nothing?"
"Don't ask me about it, Layla. I want to forget all about it. The city wasn't good to me and I wasn't the best of people either."
I look down at him and he looks up, making direct eye contact. I inhale lightly from the intensity and Kayden's eyes darken.
"I wasn't an angel."
"I didn't ask if you were and saying that is just corny."
Kayden quirks a brow at me, looking back with slight amusement.
"Yeah yeah corny but it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows if that was what you wanted to hear."
I glare down at him.
Who did he think I was?
"I didn't say that, Kayden. You know that," I tell him sharply. I knew he talking about the resurfacing memories he was trying to bury... but, was it that bad that he couldn't even talk about it?
"Then what?" he tells me, looking at me intently. I didn't know when he got off my lap.
I didn't know when he got so close.
I didn't know when he was only a few inches away from my face.
"What do you want to hear?" he whispers darkly. He was so close. I could smell his cologne from how close I was to him. I could count the light freckles dotting around his nose. A detail I had never paid attention to before right now.
I couldn't open my mouth. I glared at him, refusing to look away as he did the same.
Suddenly, his hand comes up close to my face, running the back of his hand against my cheek, gently. My breath hitches at his soft touch. He pushes some of the hair away from my eyes, not taking his eyes off of me trying to memorize my reaction.
His fingers were gentle and cold against my flaming cheeks.
"Exactly. You can't tell me."
And with that, he abruptly pulled away, a sad smile on his face.
He turned to look back at the sky.
"It was bad," He starts and I look down at him, sad by his sadness. "My so-called friends were assholes. Shit happened. Things happened. I made a mistake and here I am...hours away from where I used to live."
Mistakes?
"I thought the only way to live life was by the edge...being on the brink of losing yourself because in reality, I didn't even know who I was. I tried things and did things I shouldn't have. Turns out I wasn't living until I got here. I experienced more from life here than I had back there. I hate thinking about it because I don't like who I was back then," he confesses to the rising moon and my breath hitches. His loose curls dance with the wind and I see the reflection of the dark blue sky in his eyes.
"But I'm so glad that all that brought me here-" he says his eyes gazing into mine with a soft smile, his eyes saying everything he couldn't say.
"-to you and this tiny little town that seems to be so dead and slow that I feel like I can breathe for the first time."
"I'm glad you're here too," I tell him gently, making sure he sees the honesty in my eyes.
He had saved me from solidarity. He had saved me from so many other things as well.
"I didn't have anyone to call a friend for like 5 years. Nobody wanted to be around me but that didn't scare you or anything. You even saw me at my worst and didn't run away," I confess to him, not being able to look at him in the eyes. "Kayden, you can always call me a friend. Even if anything happens between us, you should always know I will always be here for you."
I look down at Kayden to see him looking at me with a small smile.
"Do you know what intrigues me so much about you?" Kayden asks me as he twists his body around so that he is looking at me seriously.
I feel like his eyes can see into my soul. I am so afraid.
His expression was laced with some hint of his usual playfulness and I smiled lightly at him.
I was intriguing?
"You know, you're unlike anyone I've ever met. You find joy in little things. You find beauty and light in places people wouldn't even think of searching. You are willing to do so much to make the people around you feel happy. How can anyone be that selfless? You're forgiving and understanding. Whether it be with that girl you were friends with or anyone else. You have passions and hobbies. You memorized the sky. You know and look at every star in the sky as if it's a miracle. And just think... After what you've been through, any normal person would have been rightfully scared out of their mind to go to school. Now here you are, stronger than before, growing from everything, being adamant about this... You're just so interesting. Nobody I've ever known was like this. Desperate to do better and change once given the chance. Not my old friends, my anything. And fuck would I be lying if I said it didn't intrigue me more," he says as his eyes shine as they blaze with his every word.
His every word hits and rejuvenates my soul, casting an eternal summer on my heart.
Melting away my every fear and worry into the darkness.
I gaze back at him, wanting to memorize him and feel the warmth of his presence.
"Maybe you are sometimes a little freak for your rules and boundaries but it's because you're trying to protect yourself. Even then, you let me in. You let me be your friend even though everyone around you seems to have slipped away. Like that girl at the milkshake place....Despite it all, you're so optimistic and so...so... what's the word? I don't know but you're just so you. Unlike anyone I have ever met before."
Before anything, I launch myself at Kayden, wrapping my arms around his athletic build. "You've got me hooked, Layla Fraser, and I'm not thinking about pulling away."