eighteen
Somehow, Luke and I ended up at the hospital in Wauwatosa, although I don't remember the two hour drive. I don't remember anything from between the call and arriving. Luke said that I yelled at him a lot to hurry up and drive faster, which I completely believe. The phone call had scared me, and I simply had no idea what to expect when I arrived at the rehab center.
Luke and I were sat in the waiting room, my leg bouncing up and down rapidly as I chewed on my nails. Luke just sat beside me, silently staring down at his lap. I guessed he didn't really know what to do, but even a pat on the back would have been nice.
After thirty agonizing minutes, Louis' doctor finally stepped out into the waiting room and over to us. We had met before when Zayn and I had dropped Louis off, so she recognized me. Her name was Dr. Cabello, but she told us she preferred to just be called Camila. She was pretty, naturally, with full lips and tan skin. Her eyeliner went past her eye just a bit then up into a point, her hair was down both times I had met her. She was short and sweet, and apparently one of the best doctors in Wisconsin.
"Hello, Mr. Horan." She spoke when Luke and I stood up, her hand shaking mine as I muttered a quick and nervous 'hello'. She turned to Luke and shook his hands, smiling softly. "I don't think we've met. I'm Dr. Cabello."
"Luke. Friend of Louis." He mumbled, his hands shoving into his pockets once they pulled apart.
"Ah, nice to meet you. Follow me to my office please. We have a few things that must be discussed in private." She said and waved her hand for us to follow as she walked back towards the door.
Luke and I followed, but I stopped at the door. I turned to glance in the waiting room one last time to see if Zayn or anyone else had shown up, but no one did. I figured the hospital would have called Zayn, but I guess I could be wrong.
"Hey." Luke said, pulling my attention away from the door.
I nodded and sighed, quickly following behind Dr. Cabello through all of the halls to her office. Once we reached the white door that read 'Camila Cabello' on the center, I felt a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach. The office was of a regular size, a desk on one side and a couch and a few chairs on the other for when patients would come in. It was decorated with soft colored posters and paintings on every wall, two large windows on one side. There was a bookshelf behind the desk filled with binders and different things to read, sloppily organized on the wood.
"Sit, please." She said as she pointed to the couch, which faced away from her desk with the back pressed against the front of it.
Luke sat first and I took another moment to collect myself before I sat down, my leg beginning to bounce again.
She sat down in one of the chairs across from us, folding her left leg over her right. An empty coffee table separated us from her.
"Did the nurse tell you anything?" She asked softly.
"Just that it would be better told in person." I muttered. "What's going on? Is Louis okay?"
"He's alive." She answered.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?! I didn't ask if he was dead! I asked if he was okay!" I snapped, Luke grabbing my forearm.
"Well, he's not okay. That's why he's here, Mr. Horan." She answered and sighed, looking down at the open binder on her lap. "I'm not going to sugarcoat it, Mr. Horan. I'm just going to come right out and say it. I feel it's better not play around with things as serious as this. It's simple; Louis tried to kill himself."
I stared at her in silence, my body tensing and becoming totally still. I felt like I was going to throw up and cry. Louis, my best friend, tried to kill himself? It didn't make sense to me. Louis was always so strong, even when he had his eating disorder. He was always stronger than any of us, emotionally. How could he do this to himself? How could I let him get this bad? I should have done something. I should've done something sooner. I should have caught on sooner. I shouldn't have waited until the worst possible moment to help him. I should have done something. It's all my fault. It's all my fault this happened. It's my fault.
"I know it's hard to hear...I wish I could do something to make it hurt less, but there's nothing I can do except help Louis. That's what I'm going to do, so don't worry, okay? I'm go-"
"Don't worry?!" I snapped at her, cutting her off. "Are you fucking joking?! Don't worry! Hear that, Luke? We don't have to worry that Louis just tried to kill himself!" I said, laughing hysterically.
"Niall, calm down." Luke whispered, squeezing my arm.
"No, no! Luke! We don't have to worry! It's all going to be okay because Louis is locked up in here and doctors are going to fix him! It's going to be okay!"
"Niall!" Luke suddenly shouted, snapping me out of my trance. "I'm sorry, Dr. Cabello. I'm sure he's just in shock."
Dr. Cabello nodded and looked down, taking a deep breath. "I understand. I don't think I have much else to tell you, so I'll take you to see him." She told us and stood up, gesturing for us to follow as she walked out of her office.
Luke and I quickly followed Dr. Cabello down the halls to another wing of the building where the patients lived during their stay. When we reached the room, Dr. Cabello stopped us from entering, a sigh leaving her lips. "I think it would be best if only one of you went in for now. I feel seeing more than one of his friends might make him feel like we're all ganging up on him." She said softly, smiling softly at us.
"Niall." Luke said, our head turning so we could look at each other. "You go in. I'm sure he'd rather see you anyway."
I nodded slowly and wrapped my arms around Luke, squeezing him tightly before pulling away from him shortly after. "Thank you." I whispered, turning back to Dr. Cabello as she opened the door.
"Louis?" He soft voice spoke into the dark room, the both of us slowly stepping inside. "Niall is here to see you."
She nodded at me, and I stepped further into the room.
The lights were dimmed low, the only source of light was from the crack in the blinds on the window. Louis lay on the bed, his body curled in on itself and his back facing the door. His skin was pale and his body was thinner since the last time I had seen him. He laid under the blankets, but I could still see he hadn't been eating right. "Lou?" I said and as I stepped closer I noticed dark purple marks around his neck.
The door shut, leaving me alone with him. He didn't move or speak, acted like I wasn't even there. "Louis, hey.." I said softly and walked around the other side of the bed so I could see his face, sitting on the edge of the bed. "Louis?" I whispered, gulping as I slowly set my hand down on his shoulder.
His eyes were dark, open, but not looking at me. His eyes were looking at the wall, but I knew he was probably just staring off into space. I watched him carefully, my hand rubbing up and down his back and shoulder. I wanted him to know that I was here for him. That I would always be here for him, but I don't think he was really in our world. He was off somewhere else in his head. Maybe somewhere good. Somewhere he was happy, and if that were true, he could stay there forever.
"It's your fault." Louis spoke after several long minutes of silence.
"I know." I whispered, setting my hand in his hair and gently massaging my fingers over his scalp.
"No, you don't."
"Then explain it to me."
"Harry's replacing all of us. Especially me. You used to be around us all of the time. Zayn, Lauren, Luke, Vanessa, me...Now everything is Harry all the time. We lost our best friend. We lost the only person that made us smile all the time. We lost the person that gave a shit if we were happy. The person that always tried to cheer us up no matter what. Even if he was upset, he always tried to make someone else feel better. We all lost Niall. None of this would have happened if you hadn't ever met Harry. We all liked you better when you were just dreaming of being with him. When you were just staring at the TV screen. Niall is gone. Niall is dead, so I thought maybe if I died, I could be with Niall again." Louis said, his voice almost growling at me.
I was silent, totally stunned. What was I supposed to say to that?
"I'm not dead." I said quietly. "I'm right here."
"Yeah, it only took me trying to kill myself to get you here."
"Lou, I thought all of this was because of Vanessa." I mumbled.
"Yeah, her fault too. Mostly yours though."
I nodded and pulled my hand away from him, slowly getting to my feet. "I'm sorry, Louis. I love you guys so much. All of you, especially you. I just...Harry is the love of my life. He's my light. He's the only person I have ever loved more than a friend or a family member. I can see myself adopting kids with him and getting married to him. I have never been this happy, and I don't know why you can't just be happy for me. I finally found someone that I love and that loves me back, so why can't you just be happy that I am happy?"
"Leave." Louis hissed at me, his eyes finally moving to look at my face.
"Louis-"
"Get out. Go on. Leave." He growled, looking back at the wall.
I stood there for a minute, watching him carefully. I didn't know what to do. He said he wanted me to leave, but did he really want that? Did he really want me to just leave him there alone?
"Louis, I don't think I should leave you alone. Talk to me."
"Get out!" He shouted, hands gripping at his hair.
I took a step back and nodded slowly, taking a deep breath as I walked towards the door. "Fine." Was all I said before I walked out of the room, pulling the door shut behind me quietly.