Your soft breaths cloud my mind.
☆•☆•☆•☆•☆•☆•☆•☆
INSECURITIES ARE what make humans imperfect and give them character. It makes people act out in ways they wouldn't have if they didn't have a feeling of anxiety, judgment, and negative emotions attached to it.
I know exactly what my insecurities are and even being self-aware doesn't change anything about it because I can't overcome them. It has become a part of me.
So now I don't even try. I accept myself and move on, because, at the end of the day, that's all you have to do.
I never liked looking at myself in the mirror.
I found it awkward to see my reflection blankly stare back at me, but for the first time in a while, I decided to analyze myself.
What was so interesting about me?
As much as I hate my parents for everything they put everyone through, they did me well.
My Arabic father's side gifted me with my naturally long, curly, and dark lashes that framed my big, dark brown eyes and those high cheekbones that ran in his family. My Caucasian, distantly Scottish mother's side gave me my dark long locks reaching down to my waist in cascading waves, as well as those freckles that dotted around my nose and cheeks.
My grandfather used to always tell me that my freckles used to look like stars on my face and for that reason, I had always loved them.
As far as my skin was concerned, I was honestly blessed with relatively clear caramel-coloured skin. Apart from some occasional acne that usually happened around the time of my periods, my skin was fine, probably because I was always diligent with the SPF and washing my face.
Honestly, I wasn't the ugliest in the world, but nor did that make me a model either.
I just hoped I was good enough to make up for the fact that my nose isn't a button nose and that my ears looked too big, my fingers are slightly chubbier.
When I used to go to school, my friend Tyra used to always compliment my hair, always wanting to braid my hair. I would laugh and allow her, knowing she would still force me to even if I said no.
Sometimes I would miss her, especially on my off days. Missing the way she would braid my hair into those neatly made French braids. The way she would invite me over to her house to binge-watch Modern Family. I even missed her stupid addiction to Nutella which she used to eat with almost everything.
I missed having friends.
But Tyra was prohibited from speaking to me after what had happened, and I had lost everything. My grandfather pulled me out of school after finding me crying by the big, old willow tree outside the school on countless occasions. He put me into online school where he knew I would be safe and not harassed by randoms who blamed me for everything that had happened almost 11 years ago.
I understand their anger but not why it's directed at me, us, people who had nothing to do with it.
I blinked realizing exactly where my mind was headed and I shook my head angrily. I stared back at my reflection and stared into my dark brown eyes, seeing the sadness lingering in them.
I wondered if I would ever feel truly happy again.
And then I felt awkward again.
☆•☆•☆•☆•☆•☆•☆•☆
It had been exactly 2 days since Kayden and his mother moved into our small neighborhood and by the sounds of my Aunt complaining, they had become quite popular.
"I had to pick up so much garbage off the lawn this morning. It's absolutely ridiculous!" I heard my aunt complain to my grandfather as they made breakfast. My Aunt was pissed off and she was using that pent-up energy to stir the pancake batter. My grandfather looked at her with raised brows, slowly taking the bowl from her hands making her huff.
"Dad, you're not even listening to me," she glared at him before becoming busy with the dishes. I looked between them humorously. My grandfather looked at me as if asking me to save him from my Aunt. His pleading expression didn't go unnoticed. She glared at me making me look down at my pancake, biting my bottom lip to keep from laughing.
"Don't look at Layla, you just don't like to listen to me," she groaned. "Just you wait, you'll understand what I'm saying when suddenly the Kelly's become the new hottest thing in town and you're left picking up granola bar wrappers and half-eaten corn dogs off the lawn."
"Marie, you're being dramatic," my grandfather says looking at her carefully but my Aunt just rolls her eyes as she continues to dry the dishes. I shove another fork full of pancake into my mouth, watching the entertaining scene unfold before my eyes.
"Me? Being dramatic? Never," She said purposefully dramatically sighing at the end. I chuckled making both the adults in the room look over to me. "It's not like I don't like Gloria and her son it's just the stupid idiots coming in and out of their house and littering on my lawn!"
"Don't worry, the whole craze will die down," I tell my 34-year-old aunt with a smile. Her eyes light up with my words and she shades my grandfather by huffing at him.
"At least Layla responds to me when I talk,"
"Oh please," My grandfather snorts. I stand up grabbing my plate, and take it to the kitchen sink to wash it. My Aunt snatches it from my hand with a smile.
"I'll wash it, don't worry. Just help your grandfather with the pancakes before he burns the whole kitchen to the ground," My aunt rolls her eyes when she sees my grandfather flipping a pancake. He glares at her.
"Need I remind you I have never done that before, so you don't have to worry, Marie," he rolls his eyes. My Aunt looks at him with a smirk before wiping the front and back of her wet hands on her red apron.
"Rather be safe than sorry," she sings as she grabs her white floral patterned tote back off the dining table. I walk over to stand beside my grandfather as I watch my aunt stuff her house keys in her bag before zipping it close.
"Oh, you still have that horrendously designed bag with the broken zipper?" My grandfather scoffs just at the sound of the zipper struggling to close as he flips another pancake on the pan.
I burst out laughing when I see my Aunt's face. Her black curly hair is tied into a bun keeping the tendrils out of her face yet she tries to place her baby hairs behind her ear. She grabs her bag with a scoff and gives me a small smile before heading towards the front door.
"Keep talking, Dad! We all know every door in this house is hanging by a thread and about to fall off its hinges!" she yells behind her as she marches towards the front, grabbing her sun hat off the hook. I trail behind her to say bye.
"See you later, Layla, take care of him," she tells me with a grin before she grabs a hold of the knob, twisting it to leave.
"Bye! Say hi to Richard for me, tell him we are still on for that game of Chess on Friday," I tell her with a teasing smile before closing the door closed for her. She chuckles as she waves bye, walking in the direction of her house which was just a few streets over; merely a 5-minute walk at most.
I admired her yellow sundress and how the sunhat and tote bag were really able to put the look together. In that outfit, she really did look ready for the summer and I smiled. My Aunt was a beautiful person inside and out. She did pretend to have a tough exterior but she too was just fighting against her own challenges.
She still was a total softy for me and my grandfather.
"I'm glad that witch left," My grandfather sighed dramatically in relief as he sets his plate down on the table where he sits. His eyes slide over to mine, lit up in amusement.
"We all know she was always your favourite," I roll my eyes. My grandfather chuckles.
"Yes, absolutly. I was so happy when she got married, no more of her whining every day about why Richard didn't call her or text her or come over... It was all for nothing because she married him at the end," He chuckles as he puts a fork of his pancake in his mouth before frowning as he chewed. I looked at him with a quirked brow and a blank expression.
"What's wrong?"
"That woman forgot the sugar when making the new batter," he groaned while I burst out laughing.
They both will be the death of me.
"I'm not hungry anyway," My grandfather announced as he stood up from his chair.
"You telling me or trying to convince yourself?" I said looking at him in amusement.
"I'm telling you because I can't eat that. It tastes like...I don't even know-" he says thinking about what he just ate. I crackled.
"That's what you get for messing with Aunt Marie," I said simply making my grandfather frown at me.
"I thought you were always on my side!"
"Not anymore, I support the winner and seems like she is on a winning streak," I teased making him grunt as he walked his full plate to the garbage, tossing out the flimsy pancake in the bin.
"It's okay, it lowkey looked deformed anyways," I said eyeing the bin wearily. My grandfather looked at me with a deadpan expression.
"Anyways, Layla, I have to work on the backyard, the yard needs trimming so help yourself to the house while I do that..." My grandfather began as he started to head towards the front door. I trailed behind him. "I also have to go back to Marie's to pick up some more fertilizer so on my way back I'll pick up take out for dinner."
I grinned at him, excited by the idea of eating something other than homemade food.
"Oh my gosh, bless!" I cheered making him roll his eyes with amusement before heading out. I waved bye to him as he stepped inside his pickup truck and reversed out of our driveway.
I sighed considering I was all alone again and decided to head back into my room to start working on this essay that I was holding off on working on because of my procrastination.
☆•☆•☆•☆•☆•☆•☆•☆
"You seem off," Kayden remarked when he met up with me by the clearing. Kayden's company was starting to grow on me but it was on days like this that I wished that I had the place back to myself so I wouldn't have to explain myself to anyone. I was partially amused knowing that Kayden and his mother were the talk of the town
"I seem off? Interesting," I muttered as I sat on my blue blanket, curling my fingers into the cotton.
"I set your shit up for you. I'm glad you took my advice of leaving the stuff outside. It's such a hassle needing to come here in the scorching afternoon sun to set up. It's easier to just set up at night," he says smiling at me, wanting to see me smile back. When I don't, he frowns and walks over to me, sitting down.
"You alright?" he asks me with concern lighting up his green eyes. I'm suddenly transported to the night I met him when he asked me that very same question. I licked my lips and my eyes fluttered as I searched for the words to say. Curse my anxiety.
"It's just one of those days that I wish I could say yeah," I exhaled thinking back to my grandfather. His health could be deteriorating and he didn't even care.
Kayden is silent.
I watch for his reaction, knowing him he would make a joke or something to alleviate my stress. But, to my surprise he just inhales deeply, breathing in the fresh evening scent.
"I love the smell of the forest and evening dew. I never liked that smell too much before I came here but now I just love it," he says. I look away from him and into the sky where the sun was starting to hide behind us leaving back a gradient of colour to admire. "I was so scared to move here," Kayden confesses after a second. I look over at him and see him looking down at his hands. He was sitting crisscrossed beside me, his basketball long forgotten by a tall tree a few meters away.
I watch as he plays with his fingers and flexes them as he talks.
"I didn't want to move here, but I agreed because it would be the best decision for me and Mother," he exhales and then runs a tired hand through his brown hair.
I itched to tell him that everything was okay but I talked myself out of it.
I had boundaries and was too personal.
So instead I fisted the blanket harder and listened to him as he talked.
"It's just there were many rude and insensitive people back where I lived. It was hella toxic,"
"So do you like it here now?" I whisper, looking at him with my head tilted slightly. He looked over at me, his eyes searching mine before he licked his lips
"Yeah, my mother did tell me that all day people kept stopping by. I had never been so glad to have been out of the house."
I chuckled in amusement.
I didn't think about it before but I was glad that Kayden was out of the house today because there was always the possibility of someone telling his mother or him about our family.
I didn't want to lose him just yet
"Good," I breathed.
"Now, what's on your pretty little mind?"
"Nothing," I lied.
In reality, everything was on my mind.
I was cursing my parents, crying over my grandfather, thinking about today's dinner, panicking over unfinished homework, and dreading having to lose him.
I was feeling everything.
"Liar liar pants on fire," He sings, looking at me with that playfulness back. I chuckled.
"What are you? 8?"
"No," he sighed before sitting back contently in the grass with his back against the earth. "Just curious about what you're thinking." I turn to look at him with a silly smile.
He doesn't need to worry about me.
He was just so ugh.
"You have nice hair," I blurted making him chuckle from where he was laying.
His skin made such a sweet contrast to the dark green grass underneath him.
He was gaining quite the habit of laying on the grass without a blanket.
"Thanks, sweetheart," He said turning to me and passing me a smirk.
"Although, it would be nicer without the ants and caterpillars crawling in it," I smirked back at him making his eyes widen. He quickly jumped up, panic washing over his features.
"Holy shit! Is there seriously something in my hair?!" He yelled as he shook his head violently to get rid of these invisible insects. I burst out laughing.
"No idiot!" I giggled. "Stop screaming!" I laughed, covering my mouth with my hand. He looked at me with a harsh glare before melting into a pout. He stands up to dust off his navy blue muscle tee and basketball shorts and passes me those dramatic eyes.
"You're so mean," He whined. "You don't even care about my hair, you just don't want me to be loud."
"Yes that's true," I say blatantly, my face emotionless but my eyes twinkling with amusement.
"Fuck you, Layla."
"Okay," I rolled my eyes making him smile at me. He then gives me a smirk and then reaches his hand out for me to help him up. I don't know why but I take it and then he pulls me up close to his chest. His hand still encasing mine and his nose was only inches away from mine.
From this vicinity, I could see all the details in his eyes creating a beautiful gradient and mess of green. His eyes stay trained on mine, holding me in eye contact. I couldn't look away.
Back away. Stop.
The environment around us bursts into life and I feel as the wind picks up, like always leaving goosebumps on my arms and nape of my neck.
"I'm glad you're yourself again," He smiles finally and then he pulls me close into a hug.
I didn't realize just how badly I needed one.
I don't think I have to stop.
☆•☆•☆•☆•☆•☆•☆•☆
Hugging Kayden broke a huge boundary.
I didn't need his sweet words, his endless banter, or hugs.
I was fine on my own.
I had my grandfather and Aunt Marie and I didn't need anyone else in my life.
Not anyone new anyway.
I don't think I could take another person walking out of my life again; it would be just too much to bear.
Rules existed for a reason.
Boundaries existed for a reason.
It was all to keep my fragile heart safe.
The past few days that I had known Kayden he was unpredictable and whirlwind of emotions. I understood just how destructive he was to my sanity and my introverted ways. He was begging me to allow him past my walls. Captivating me in and forcing me to read him like an open book.
He was an open book, allowing me to read his pages.
I didn't want to read him.
I didn't want to learn him.
I didn't want to be around him just to end up losing him.
Maybe he was just a phase that would end in a week or so.
The reality would be that he would start school and forget all about me and the moments we shared.
What moments? Don't overthink it.
Though, it was true; the kids and parents at Merville would brainwash him to see me as the child of two convicts. After starting school, he would never look at me the way he does now.
I don't think I would be able to handle looking into those green eyes staring down at me as if I stole all the stars in the sky.
I just know I wouldn't.
But I would remember. I would remember him as the only person who ever dared venture into the forest. Deep into the forest until he found The Edge.
Screw him for just being so impossible.
Screw him for being so good; so impossibly good.
"Layla!" My Aunt screeched from the kitchen. I sniffled and realized that a few lone tears had escaped my eyes.
"Layla, Darling!" She shouted louder, her voice raising an octave. I collected my breath before yelling back at her.
"Yeah, I'm coming!"
"Open the back door for your grandpa! I'm boiling the veggies right now!"
I ran out of my room, making sure there were no traces of my vulnerability on my face. I walk into the kitchen and see my aunt furiously cutting vegetables and throwing them into the boiling pot. She barely throws me a glance, being too occupied in her cooking.
"Open the door!" She instructs over the loud overhead fan. I nod, despite knowing she can't see me. I look over at the backside door and see my grandfather grinning back at me. I roll my eyes and chuckle.
"Forgot your keys again?" I say as I open the door and step aside to allow him to enter. He gives me a sheepish expression and throws his coat behind a dining chair. I roll my eyes as I grab it to hang it where it belonged in the front closet.
"I'm old now, Layla, cut me some slack,"
"Sure, sure, old man," I chuckled as I dusted out his thin woollen coat. Count on my grandfather for being able to help me smile.
"Wow, Marie!' My grandfather says in awe as he looks over my aunt's shoulder to look at the pot of simmering vegetables.
"Those are some...vegetables...I guess... Can't believe we dropped the idea of getting takeout for this," He says dryly when he finally sees what she was making. My aunt's grin immediately drops and I burst out laughing. It was true though, I was really looking forward to eating something not homemade.
"Oh shut up, Dad," My aunt snarled. "I'm making all this crap because of you, your doctor said you can't have spices anymore, remember, that means no takeout?" she reminds him making me look at my grandfather with a betrayed expression. He doesn't look at me, knowing just how mad I am.
"Hello, Thomas?!" I fumed. "What is Aunt Marie talking about?" I demanded. My grandfather looks over at me with a crestfallen expression. My heart breaks.
"I told you, you old man," I scolded. "You need to take care of yourself."
"I am, I swear I am. Just it gets hard sometimes,"
"You drinking again?" I ask hesitantly making him look over at me with hopeless eyes. I really hoped he wasn't.
"No, I'm not," he says simply but I know it's the truth. I look over at my Aunt with a doleful expression.
This was my fault. I wasn't around enough for him. He already had severe hypertension and heart strain. I should have been around to monitor him and his eating habits.
"Aunt Marie, next time you go to the doctor's let me know what he says," I plead with her, not wanting there to be any secrets between us in terms of my grandfather's health. I couldn't lose him.
"Hey! I do not permit!" My grandfather intrudes.
"Doesn't matter," I deadpanned making him roll his eyes.
"You're just like your mother when she was younger. Exactly just like her," He rolls his eyes as he walks away from the kitchen. My heart freezes when he utters her name, silent anger surges through me.
"Your opinion still doesn't matter," I say sternly making sure there was no room for interjection even though my voice was faltering. I stare at his back as he leaves the room.
"She was not always like that. She used to be just like you. Fearless and so determined," he says, with his back turned against me as he continues to make his way towards his bedroom. I could hear the defeat, sadness and light trace of anger in his voice.
She was still his child.
Despite that, how dare he still talk about her like that? I didn't want to be anything like her or even compared to her.
I looked over at my aunt who slowly stirred the pot but her eyes still stayed cautiously on us. I sighed.
This was a sign.
I needed to look after my family.
☆•☆•☆•☆•☆•☆•☆•☆
tysm for reading <3
Oct. 30, 2023 update - i wrote this book so long ago, my writing has gotten better but i still want to publish this. please excuse my writing for i believe i have improved.