Life consists of moments that change you forever. Your first steps. That day in school you realized who your friends were. A quote, a book, a thought, a whisper. Yet we so rarely recognize the importance of a moment until it's too late, because we're so stuck on the past, focused on the future, that when those moments happen, the rare clarity of now amidst the fuzz of the then and when, we don't realize their importance until we're back in the fuzz.
Being with Bloodless Day was a bit like that. He was unpredictable. A fire glittered in his eyes, his hooves flint against steel shoes. He wove through shadows, spinning them into his own prison, but now I had the key. Only I could draw him from his jailed life. And free, uncornered, he embraced in everything I had to give him.
There was no time to dwell on the past. When I was with him, he steadied me in the present. And when I wasn't, I was focused on the future.
Slowly I healed.
It was a week after our breakdown. 454 days since It happened, but also 8 days since Her birthday and an entirely unexpected It. Bloodless Day still threw his tantrums, twisting and rearing. A groom suffered a fractured wrist and his breakable leather halter was replaced with stiff, cheap, non-stretchy nylon, which he promptly tore. Derek threatened to sell him. Lilac still ignored me in class.
Yet in secret I continued working the stallion.
He was getting better at leading. We could make it all the way to his pasture without a tantrum, and he was amiable about turning as long as I didn't tug- the rope had to be loose, but he got irritated if it was loose enough to swing.
There were other little things about him that were unexplainable. If I wanted to pick his feet, I had to do his back hooves first. Then his front. He couldn't tolerate any brush except for the soft face brush, and his favorite scratchy place was midway up his neck on the left side.
Oh, and if I entered his stall smelling like another horse, that would be the end of life as I knew it.
Saturday morning I rushed through my chores, scrubbing water buckets and grooming my charges. My Girl needed work on leading- she learned fast, but I taught slowly- and Holiday Break developed an abscess that I needed to soak. It was a busy day, and yet I finished before the sun reached its zenith. Eager to get to work with Bloodless Day, I washed my hands of any scent of other horses and took off my sweatshirt, which smelled of Shamrock and My Girl and Epsom salts.
BD sniffed me suspiciously as I entered the stall, then accepted the halter in approval. I led him from the stable, angling towards that fateful paddock. Doing some research during the school week, I'd discovered something called join up. It sounded a lot like what had happened last week, and I was curious to see if I could replicate the results.
As soon as I let the stallion's halter slip from his face, he was off, cantering around the paddock. Muscles rippled under a newly clipped coat, and his recently pulled mane flopped softly against his neck, both results of several hours, a bloody nose, and bribery involving an itchy neck and copious amounts of carrots. It was easy to see why the grooms had let his appearance deteriorate into the shaggy, unkempt creature he had been.
Had.
Now he turned into me, ears pricked and steps confident. I shook my lead rope at him. "No! Go on!"
Confused, Bloodless Day flicked his ears and paused. As I shook the rope again though, he got the hint, turning and running off. But somehow his turn was in the motion of running, rather than a turn to run. Everything he did was seamless, easy. He'd be an amazing athlete.
Will be, I corrected myself.
Tirelessly the stallion loped on, one ear turned towards me after a lap. I watched closely, but he didn't try slowing again. After five minutes, his head dropped. Both of these were signs of join-up. There was one more sign, but I suddenly could not remember it, so I took a step back and turned away from Bloodless Day.
Jack was there.
He leaned against the fence, outside of the paddock, shading his eyes from the sun. "What are you doing back here?" He asked conversationally, watching the stallion with a thoughtful frown. "He's a pretty good mover."
Behind me, I heard Bloodless Day stop and felt his eyes boring into my back, considering. "I'm trying, uh, join-up."
"I've heard about that. Never felt much use for it though... is that the new horse?"
Footfalls rang in my ears as Bloodless Day stepped towards me, curious. I choked back a laugh. Jack thought he was a different horse! A little haircut went a long way. "No. It's Bloodless Day." I answered, slowly reaching behind me. A soft muzzle touched my palm.
Jack snickered. "What's his name? Why are you in charge?"
"No one else wanted him." I said simply as the energy behind me spiked. Bloodless Day had caught sight of the jockey. Before he could attack, I bent down and retrieved the halter, slipping it over his muzzle and holding it by the cheek.
"You can't be serious!" Jack exclaimed. I turned back to him to find that his expression had darkened. "He's dangerous!"
"Does he look dangerous?" I snapped, releasing BD's halter as I remembered what was next. Following. I jogged away, the stallion trotting after me. Each step was firm and relaxed, but when I circled around the paddock towards where Jack had been, I saw that he had hopped the fence and was standing, tensed, ready to rescue me. "Jack, honestly, I'm safer than you are."
No sooner had the words passed my tongue than BD caught sight of Jack and flattened his ears, eyes rolling back in his head. My hand shot out and caught his halter. Constricted, the stallion squealed and struck out with a hoof, but I moved deftly to the side and led him forwards, clucking my tongue instead of pulling the halter to encourage him.
"How'd you get him this way?" Jack asked, amazed. "He looks so different with his coat clipped. And nobody's noticed?"
I frowned. "Of course not. No one goes in to look after him. He nearly snapped that groom's wrist this week."
"But this is amazing! You- we could redo his training! He could race!" Jack retreated as Bloodless Day rolled his eyes and snorted threateningly, dancing. My arm jerked as he pulled against the halter, forcing me to let go. Once Jack was on the other side of the fence, both males relaxed.
"Race? With what jockey?" I sniped, rubbing my arm. "Let's take things one step at a time."
There was a longing burning behind Jack's eyes. "If you've felt this horse's power beneath you, you'll understand. He needs to be on a track. He needs to be flying far ahead of the other Thoroughbreds."
"I'm not dumb enough to ride him." I answered swiftly, locating the lead line and attaching it to BD.
Jack grinned suddenly. "Touché."
He walked a safe distance away from me as I led Bloodless Day back into his stall, then joined me as I exited. "Want to go on a trail ride? That's why I was over here in the first place."
I only had to think about it for a moment. I hadn't ridden in a week and the only thing that would be more welcome than a trail ride at that moment would have been a hot chocolate. "Of course!" Then my face fell. "I have to soak Holiday's hoof though."
"Abscess? No worries, I'll get our horses ready while you go do that." Jack departed before I could call out a thanks, or ask who I was to ride. Shrugging to myself, I went to Holiday.
*****
"Here we go. Need a leg up?"
I glanced away from Holiday, who was resting in his stall, and found Jack holding Skip and Magic by the bridles, the stallion trying to provoke the filly with nips and nickers. She pointedly ignored him.
"What's this?"
"Skip's a good teacher. Bit silly, but it's about time you take a Thoroughbred for a gallop."
"But.... that's Lilac's horse." I protested, my heart thudding. I had not woken up that morning with the intention of galloping a racehorse, let alone the one that my friend- exfriend? She still hadn't spoken to me- rode and loved. The racehorse that galloped after the truck every day. That had escaped his pasture the other day and got into the feed room, causing the scratching of a race he was supposed to have run in that weekend.
Skip glanced at me and wriggled his lips. Ridiculous animal, worth more than my parent's house.
Jack shrugged. "Just get on the horse."
Which is how we ended up galloping.
Skip may have been a good teacher, but Jack was a generous one. He made sarcastic comments at his expense and built up my confidence with well timed compliments, slowly raising the bar as I improved. I never knew what we were going to do, but in the two weeks I'd been riding with him I did a lot more than I could've imagined.
"Bridge your reins now." Jack's voice filtered through my concentration. I complied, bridging the reins and setting them against Skip's neck. The bay's ears flicked backwards at me, then he ducked his chin to evade the bit. I clucked him forwards and he regained contact. "Now take a tighter hold of his mouth."
I did. Skip began to jig in place. He was nothing like Shamrock or the other inconstant two year olds I rode. This stallion was impatient, confident. He knew his job and had the muscles to prove it. I felt like he was too much horse for me, but I also felt like he'd never let me fail if it meant him failing as well.
"Very nice. I'll rate." Jack drove his reins forward up his mare's neck, rising in the stirrups. The mare skipped from a trot into into a canter, then, with no urging, slid into a gallop. Skip followed suit.
Galloping was... indescribable. Skip rose and fell beneath me, his breath a steady beat that guided me in my motions. I curled over his withers, freeing his head with the reins and letting him glide after Magic. The dapple grey ran easily, but Skip snorted, wanting more. I sighed into the wind we created, wanting more. We could go faster. I felt the speed of it singing in my soul.
The trail was narrow and Jack blocked my path, Magic's tail streaming in Skip's and my face. I growled in frustration, but then we burst from the trees and into a field.
"Go!"
I pushed my hands forwards. Skip, the wind in his lungs and speed in our heart, tore forwards and ahead of Jack and Magic. "Hey!" Jack yelled after us, but then Skip was running, running. I tangled my hands into his mane, afraid the wind that roared past would tear me from his back. There was no catching us.
As we neared the end of the field, about to reenter the woods, I reluctantly pulled back and held the reins firmly. Skip fought me for a moment then gave up, dropping into an easy canter. I turned him, standing triumphantly in my stirrups as Jack came racing behind, a grin fighting with disapproval.
"That was fantastic! You're a natural!" He finally said, deciding that I was too happy to be yelled at.
I only had one response. "How do you become a jockey?"
*****
With Jack joining me, it became only too easy to further BD's training. The stallion refused to let him touch him, and wasn't entirely at ease with his presence, but under his guidance I found it easier to progress. So one rainy Wednesday after school found Jack, me, and Bloodless Day in the indoor arena, Jack avoiding certain death and I trying to wrestle a half ton stallion into a circle.
"What's even the point of lunging?"
"It... teaches him to yield. And burns out his energy. If anyone's ever going to get on his back, the first time we do it you'll want him good and tired."
"He doesn't get tired. Ever. And what do you mean you?"
"Me?"
"I mean, you. You said you, not you you but me you." I gave up and concentrated on the lunge line, occasionally giving it a tug to remind BD of his place. He tilted his head in a rather conciliatory way, but settled well enough.
"Me? Get on that horse? Usually I'm game but I think that would set us back. You're the one with a connection with him, you should be his rider."
Astonished, I dropped the lunge line. BD trotted a few steps before spooking at it following him and kicked up, attempting a bolt. I grabbed it just in time and swung my gaze towards Jack. "Me? But I'm not a jockey! He could go far as a three year old, but I'm not ready. I can't take him there."
"You've learned a bit in the past few weeks." Jack said dryly. "I reckon you'll be okay until we find someone capable of racing and riding him."
Unsure whether I was insulted or relieved, I concentrated on Bloodless Day again.
*****
"Yeesh, your room is disgustingly clean."
Light trickled through the sheer green curtains I'd hung, dancing across my face. It tried to convince me out of my slumber, but I rolled away from it.
Bruises protested as more weight shifted over to them. They were speckled up and down my left side, unsightly and uncomfortable, but in my dream like state I only groaned. What had I been dreaming about? There'd been a volcano. That was certain. And....
I'd heard a voice. Who's was it? Suddenly alert, I refused to open my eyes and give myself away. This was my time to sleep in, dang it. Someone was moving around my room, shifting through stuff. By the bookshelf, there was a soft thud, and then footsteps over to my desk. They rattled my phone against it, or their phone, then moved on to the vanity. I risked opening my eyes for a millisecond. Upon seeing the person, I shut them again, inhaling sharply.
"I saw you open your eyes, Anna. Gig is up," Lilac said.
Suspiciously opening them again, I watched Lilac drag my rolly chair over to the vanity and plop into it, her hair loose and swaying in the motion. Sun caught on it and glistened, bright, just like that one time....
Pain asked to be felt, but I shunted it to the side and sat up. "What are you doing here?" How long have you been? Have you come to apologize? How'd you get in? What time is it? Huh?
I squinted.
Lilac arched one of her eyebrows, but there was shame written across her face. "I'm here to apologize. I've been avoiding you and rude and-"
"Did Ned put you up to this?" I snapped, shoving my blankets off of me, annoyed. It was hot in here all of a sudden. Stifling. Wasn't it supposed to be winter?
I felt instantly guilty at Lilac's flinch. "I'm sorry. That was uncalled for."
She smiled, if tentatively. "An eye for an eye?"
"Would make the whole world blind.... but I think our horses can see for us in this case. Apology forgiven." We both sighed. Regret permeated the air. After this, our friendship wouldn't be the same. If we still had one. "Friends?"
"Of course. So, what have you been up to this week?"
We fell into conversation easily. I told Lilac about everything that had happened that week, from one of the kids in my fourth hour getting expelled for drugs to riding Shamrock and Holiday, and my favorite two year old to exercise, Skeptical. Yet I didn't mention what had happened between Bloodless Day and I, nor my fantastic gallop on her Skip. It had the etchings of a secret I wouldn't reveal quite yet.
Lilac had been exercising horses on the track in the morning, and in the afternoon going out with Derek and the trainer to look at several Thoroughbreds for sale. "It's nearly time for the Keeneland auction. It's amazing! So, what's up with Jack?"
I raised an eyebrow, feeling a hot flush rise in my cheeks. God, I hated being goaded.
"Oh, come on. He's cute, he's your age, and he's been taking time off of his riding to teach you? That can't be nothing!"
"Oh yes it can," I said dryly, but then smirked. "Maybe that's the wedding you're attending."
Lilac laughed as we remembered the time we met. "We'll see about that. After all, Ned was very sweet to me this Valentines Day."
Bickering lightly, Lilac and I found our jackets. I dressed quickly, said good morn-well, afternoon- to Dad and Mom, and we eventually made our way outside and towards the barn. "I've never been in your house before. It's nice." Lilac commented.
"Thanks." I muttered. We fell in silence for a few moments, listening to the pat of our boots against the asphalt road.
"Who was that girl?" Lilac asked suddenly.
"What girl?"
"In the picture. Your parents have a picture of you and this really pretty girl on the counter. You looked younger though. At a birthday party or something."
My heart skipped a beat. We'd lived in that stupid little house for nearly two months and I'd never noticed that?
"She's no one now."
Lilac studied me as we walked, her face hidden in a shrug that was held by her arms, bent into jacket pockets. "But she was important?"
"Was is the key word." I answered hollowly, trying to think what memory had been captured under the glass frame my parents used to protect pictures. The last obviously birthday party She'd held was at a bowling ally. We'd done the silliest things- shoving the ball while laying down, pushing it with our feet, backwards- until the cake had arrived. Balloons and kazoos galore.
Lilac must have understood, because she didn't speak again until the farm bobbed into view. Then she stopped and pulled me into a hug.
"Oh, Anna, I'm so sorry."
"I miss her." I choked out, accepting the hug, closing my eyes. Tears threatened but did not escape; I'd used my fair share for the rest of my life and the next two over. "So much."
"I know... it's hard. I'm there for you though. You do know that?" Lilac pulled away and held me at arms length, dark eyes solemn and sincere. I nodded wordlessly, unable to take a proper breath. Emotions and weather had rendered my nose useless.
We entered the farm, and it was quiet, except for an incessant neigh ringing from the two year old barn. "That damn horse," Lilac muttered. "He's been whinnying nonstop for the past five hours."
I thought I recognized the tone of the neigh. "Bloodless Day?"
Lilac's scoff and shake of the head was answer enough. "I'll go see if something is wrong. Go get started on Skip and I'll grab Shamrock for the ride in a bit."
We parted ways, and if I hadn't memorized the route to the stallion's stall by now, his neighs would've guided me. I rounded the corner and nearly slammed into Jack.
"Whoa there!" He reached out to steady me even as he shifted forwards to steady himself. "I was about to go looking for you." Heat swept through my body as I remembered Lilac and I's earlier conversation.
"What's wrong with BD?" I asked, shrugging his hands off my shoulders as I peered anxiously behind him, towards Bloodless Day's stall. At my voice he thrust his head over the door, ears pricked and nickering.
Jack shrugged in turn and followed me as I started for his stall, whistling cheerily. "He's in better shape than he's been in before. He has a job, an attitude adjustment, at least with you, and he wants to do something with that."
I frowned as I put a hand on the now silent horse's muzzle. His clipped fur rubbed against my palm in a strange but pleasant way. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"He's bored."
"I meant the attitude adjustment. At least with me."
Jack rubbed his hip subconsciously as he answered. His expression shifted. "Nothing."
"He bit you?" I pointed at his hip.
Nodding, Jack lifted his shirt to reveal a nasty gash, already formulating a bruise. I winced. "Ouch."
"Yeah. Anyways, I was looking for you to see if you wanted to go for a ride."
My plans with Lilac suddenly came back to me. "Oh, I was actually going to get Shamrock for a ride with Lilac."
Jack looked up sharply. "So you two made up?"
"You could say that. But do you want to come? On the ride?" I'd rather have a bit of catching up with my friend without Jack tagging along, though I was beginning to count him as a friend as well, but he looked disappointed.
He lit up again. "Sure! I'll go grab one of the unworked three year olds. See you!" Jack lifted his chin and left. Once he'd disappeared around the bend, I turned to Bloodless Day.
"You naughty horse." I reached over the stall door to scratch him in his favorite spot for a moment. He nosed me affably, eyes dark and curious, eager to see the world now that I'd opened a door. But he'd given me the key to the door.
*****
HAHA YES THINGS DID HAPPEN
Well
Eh.
Sorry about taking forever and a year to update but I've even busy watching Doctor Who and working and staring at a blank document hoping inspiration will come to me.
It didn't.
Plus this chapter was hard to write and-
Oh I'm sorry. You're not interested in excuses.
Perfectly understandable.
~The Iggster