Missing You - All Time Low
Talk to Me - Cavetown
Iris - The Goo Goo Dolls
Mirror - Justin Timberlake
—
The sun hangs high in the sky as Sapnap finally reaches the foot of the forest. Turns out riding your bike after having just drunk a bottle of beer with your mother isn't exactly a wise decision. Luckily the sprain in his wrist seems to have gone numb the tipsier he got, and by the time he finds himself between the trees, he forgot he fell in the first place.
He stumbles over branches and tree roots until he reaches the creek. To his surprise, Karl's already there. And he glances up as Sapnap steps on the grass and twigs and nearly falls into the creek. He shoots up to his feet.
"Sapnap!" He glances up at the sky. "You're here early."
"Karl." Sapnap walks slowly across the log, quickly losing his balance and falling into the water.
"Are you drunk?" Karl asks as he pulls him to the other side. The moment Sapnap is back on his feet, he engulfs the younger boy into a rather tight hug with no clear intention of letting go.
Sapnap doesn't have a firm grasp of his thoughts. It's as if his mind is a simple fog. He doesn't even know why he's there. He was drinking with his mother when his feet suddenly shot up and started walking him right to where he stands now. However, as Karl wraps his arms around him, it becomes a bit clearer. Aside from the chills from the water, he finds himself warmed up in the arms of a close friend.
"Karl, I'm a failure," He whispers softly.
"Ah don't say that," Karl replies, rubbing circles on his back. "Failure's subjective."
Sapnap doesn't know why, but he starts crying. Random tears force their way down his face as he shakes in the other's arms. Apparently, alcohol for him doesn't work the same way it does in the movies. It doesn't drown away his sorrows. It amplifies them.
Every single mistake, failure, and let down he has ever committed floods back, overwhelming him like the walls to the Hoover Dam just collapsed. How he dropped out of college, refuses to move away, can't hold a job. It seems he disappoints every single person he knows. Everyone except for Karl, who enjoys his company. Seems to, anyway.
"Sapnap, what happened?" Asks Karl gently.
"I'm a failure, Karl," Sapnap cries into his shoulder. "I can't hold on to anything."
"Just hold on to me then." Karl pulls the boy closer.
After several quiet moments, Sapnap mumbles, "I got fired today."
"Ohh," Karl says slowly, "Schlatt sucks anyway. You can get a new job."
"I needed that job. I let everyone down again."
"You haven't let me down. Sapnap, you're worth far more than just a minimum wage job."
"No, I'm not," Sapnap replies, further digging his face into the other boy's shoulder. "I'm replaceable."
"Schlatt says that to everyone, Sap. He said that to me when I quit."
"But you're so special. I'm not," Sapnap replies, pulling himself away to get a better look at the boy before him. Even in an intoxicated state where everything looks distorted and not right, Karl's still the same lovely person Sapnap sees even when he's sober. Indie eyes, soft waves of brunet hair. He even notices a few freckles. Despite being able to pick apart his appearance down to a single freckle, he doesn't quite catch the surprised look on Karl's face.
"I'm not that special," Karl says.
"You are, though. You're-You're so special," Sapnap replies, gazing up at the trees as they sway by. However, they look to be melding together and tearing apart. It looks like slime or taffy. He doesn't remember which.
"How?" Asks Karl.
"How what?" He tears his eyes away from the mesmerizing trees.
"How am I special?"
"Because you're Karl. And he's very special."
Karl scoffs, a smile cracking from his lips. "You're so out of it."
Sapnap frowns, "'m sorry."
"It's okay. You're okay. But maybe don't drink when you're feeling bad. It's not healthy."
"I know, but my mom does it."
"Does she?" Karl frowns.
"Yeah, ever since my little sister was born. But don't tell her that."
"Is that why you drank?"
"She asked for a drink when I told her what happened. So...I drank with her. I want to feel better."
"Do you, though?"
Sapnap shakes his head, and the whole world turns on its head, so he stops. "No."
"I'll help you." He holds out his hand, "You can stay in my treehouse until you sober up."
***
Sapnap has no idea where he is.
He wakes up in pitch-black darkness, and as he sits up, he's immediately shot with a brain-splitting headache that causes him to lie right back down. The ground beneath him is dewey and wet yet still soft.
"Oh! Are you awake?" A disembodied voice from the dark asks.
"What?" Sapnap asks, his voice hoarse and tired.
There's a strike of a match from one of the trees that soon erupts brightly through a lantern. Karl's face glows warmly as he crawls over to Sapnap.
"You've been out for hours. How was your sleep?"
"Where are we?"
"Well I tried to get you to sleep in my treehouse, but you couldn't get up the ladder so now we're here. Do you... remember anything?"
It takes a minute before it hits Sapnap like a train. The intense headache, unwavering nausea, confusion. He's just like his mother, and that creates a rather bitter taste in his mouth. His heart hits a dead stop. If he's anything like his mother when he's drunk, he had to have said some things he'd rather leave unsaid. He covers his face with his hands. His wrist is sore, and he doesn't even know why.
"Oh no," He groans.
"I actually have a couple of questions," Karl says.
"What did I say?"
Karl leans back away from the light. "You said you got fired."
"Is that it?"
Radio silence. That was not it. Sapnap's heart begins to race as he imagines all the things he could have possibly said. What if he brought up his home life? His drunken mother and absent father, the way his sister, just like him, finds hospitality in her best friends more than with her own brother.
Or even worse, what if Sapnap had brought up him? Him and his indie eyes and warm sunlit smile. Or the way he makes Sapnap feel—like warm lanterns drifting up to the sky. Little bursts of light in his chest similar to that of fireflies. A light feeling in his head that he finds so addictive that he craves for more each and every day.
"What else did I tell you?" He asks, ignoring the beating of his heart deafening his ears.
"You were sad," Karl says with a frown. "You cried."
Yup. He's just like his mother.
"You're special to me, Sapnap," He says.
"Um, thanks, Karl."
"No, I'm serious. I've been dwelling on this since you passed out. I know we've only known each other for a month, but it feels like we've known each other for a lifetime."
"What did I say to you, Karl?" Sapnap persists, desperate to know exactly where he slipped up.
"You said you're a failure, but you're not one."
"I know, I know."
"I don't think you do," Karl says with a shake of his head. He lays on his stomach next to Sapnap. He touches his arm, and Sapnap's breath hitches for just a moment. "Getting laid off a job doesn't make you a failure. You want to know what I think makes you a failure? Never getting back up. And I know you'll get back up."
"How do you know that?"
"Because that's one of the many things that make you special. You have strength, Sapnap. So much so that I didn't even realize you were struggling."
Sapnap doesn't like the way his heart aches when he says that. Like Karl somehow managed to pick his way through Sapnap's chest and ribcage and has finally reached the deepest part of himself.
He covers his face. He's already cried once in front of Karl. There's no way he's doing it again.
"It's okay to struggle, you know," Karl continues as if he wants to break Sapnap's heart.
"There's enough people struggling in my family, Karl." He takes a heavy breath. Maybe he would like another drink. It's not like he remembers his sorrows from earlier. And if he were to drink right now, he'd fail to remember this conversation as well.
"Stop thinking about your family for just one minute," Karl says, his voice growing ever so slightly. "Think about yourself. Are you okay, Sapnap?"
"Yes! I am okay!" Sapnap snaps, quickly growing small. "I'm sorry."
Karl rests his head down on Sapnap's arm. Gently, as he picks at the sleeve of Sapnap's sweater, he says, "I come from a family of five, and I'm the oldest. Growing up, my parents have told me that I'm destined for great things, and I believed them. I lived my entire life believing I was capable of leaving this stupid town."
He sniffles, "Can you imagine the disappointment on my mom and dad's faces when I got that rejection letter from SAIC? If anyone's a failure, Sap, it's me. Instead of looking for a new school, I ran away."
Sapnap sits up, his entire head spinning and throbbing. His stomach knots and it takes all his energy to not throw up into the darkness. Karl sits up and sets the lantern between them. Even the dim light irritates Sapnap's eyes. Once Sapnap finally adjusts to the light, he glances up at the boy in front of him. His blue eyes are jaded. Lackluster. Glassy, in a way. Usually, they're always focused up at Sapnap's eyes, but this time he stares at the grass, picking away at the individual blades. He sighs heavily.
"Seeing you cry broke my heart," Karl says, his voice cracking subtly.
"I'm sorry—"
"No, don't apologize." He shakes his head. "It's just... looking at you is like looking in a mirror. Everything you said to me, I have thought about myself before. Except for one thing."
"What?"
Quick glance, and he's back at picking at the grass, "You said I'm special."
"Did I?" Sapnap asks, his stomach churning in more ways than just hungover nausea. There it is. His slip-up.
Karl nods, "And just like you, I don't believe it."
Sapnap's mind clicks. "Perception."
Karl smiles softly, "Yes, Sapnap. Perception."
"So what is reality?"
"Honestly, Sap, I don't think reality exists," Karl replies. "I think reality is whatever you think it is."
"Oh, then..." He drops his eyes to the warm light between them. "In reality, you're one of a kind."
Karl's face splits into a grin, "In reality, you're the most special person I know."
Sapnap laughs softly, "I wish we lived in the same reality where both these facts can be real for the both of us."
"Me too. But maybe one day."
"Maybe one day," Sapnap repeats, liking the way the words tastes on his tongue.
========
Officially halfway there...
Also, I will promote this everywhere: STREAM TWENTY ONE PILOTS' NEW ALBUM "SCALEY AND ICEY"
I'm listening to the final song as I'm typing this and lemme tell you: ITS BANGER. If you like indie, 80s, rap, or Stressed Out by Twenty One Pilote, you will like this album.
Plus this book is heavily influenced by Tøp so it just makes sense lol