"𝚃𝚘𝚘 𝙻𝚊𝚝𝚎"
ᴀᴜᴛʜᴏʀ
𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘢𝘶
NOAH sits on the counter in the kitchen; picking at her nails and trying to find a thought in her blank mind.
JJ had tried everything to get Noah to speak. Even when Emily showed up, Noah's eyes were fixated on the ground and she did not move an inch.
"Don't worry about your reinstatement papers," Emily says as she catches Penelope staring at the man who disbarred her, "He'll sign them as soon as his hands stop shaking."
Penelope shows a small smile before turning to JJ. A woman who had never killed, but did so out of protection.
"Hey," Penelope says and walks over to JJ.
Emily watches the two of them talk, but is distracted by the sight of Noah behind JJ's shoulder. She makes her way over and stands next to the counter that the teen has positioned herself on top of.
"You were never supposed to see that," Emily says as she looks out at the bullpen.
"I saw my mother," Noah speaks up softly.
"What?" Emily puzzles as she turns to look at the teen.
"When they...were covering him." Noah mutters, "I saw my mother."
"He was a bad man—"
"What does that make her?" Noah asks.
"Stop," Emily says and puts her hand over Noah's to stop her from picking her nails.
"You do the same thing." The teen blurts as she looks down at Emily's nails.
"I know," Emily acknowledges her shared flaw, "But also stop dwelling on the past. It's over and she's gone. You don't have to keep seeing her."
"It's not my choice—"
"Of course it is." Emily interjects, "You have a new life. In a different town, at a different school with new friends and a different family...a different Mom."
Noah looks up at the use of the word that Emily has not spoken to her before.
"You don't have to see any of that anymore," Emily says as she locks eyes with the teen. The fierce blue eyes of the teen make her swell with happiness, pride, and contentment.
"What I do want to see is a hot shower and some food." Noah pleads with a begging expression.
"That I can agree on." Emily approves with a smile.
"Noah?" Penelope cautiously approaches the two.
"Hey, P." Noah sighs, "I hope you can sleep easy knowing he's gone."
"I can't unless you tell me you're not mad at me," Penelope mentions.
"Why would I be mad?" Noah asks.
"This is all my fault—"
"None of this is your fault." Emily cuts Penelope off.
"I'm fine. As long as everyone's okay, that's all I can ask for." Noah beams, "Seriously, you need to get some rest."
"And we need to get you some rest," Emily says and holds out a hand for the teen. Noah takes her hand and slides off the counter. She puts on her backpack and smiles at Penelope.
"Oh!" Noah exclaims, "Here," She says and fishes out Penelope's Nintendo from her bag.
"Keep it, munchkin." The blonde replies and smiles, "It brings you much more joy than it does to me."
"Goodnight, P." Noah chimes and hugs Penelope. The blonde takes in the embrace, glad to see that the teen is hanging in there.
—
𝘦𝘮𝘪𝘭𝘺'𝘴 𝘢𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵
"Stop that!" Emily exclaims as Noah tries to take a bite of her food.
Noah begged that they stop at their favorite Chinese takeout restaurant. Emily thought that if she got Noah what she wanted, she would be more willing to talk once they got home. They found themselves in their comfort spot, eating takeaway on the living room floor.
"Please, just one more bite!" Noah pleads.
"One more!" Emily giggles.
Noah takes her fork and grabs some of Emily's noodles, moving them to her own plate.
"You're gonna leave me hungry over here." The woman chuckles as she takes a bite of her food before Noah can steal any more.
"You know, the friend I was telling you about in Seattle...." Noah pauses to swallow her food, "He used to always get mad at me for taking his food." She says and smiles to herself as she takes a moment to remember.
"His Mom would always pack him the snacks that every kid wanted in their lunch."
Emily smiles as she listens to Noah opening up.
"I always pretended that his Mom was my Mom. The perfect mother that mine wasn't." Noah says with a frown.
"How come you guys stopped being friends?" Emily cautiously asks.
"I lost him. The hospital; it took me back to that moment."
Emily puts down her fork, seeing as the conversation took a turn. Emily thought it was some sort of childish drama that ended friendships. It happened to Emily all the time when she was a kid. Either something happened or she moved to a different country; some friends were just never meant to stick around.
But this is different. There was no choice in Noah and her friend's parting of ways.
"I thought, maybe he was gonna be okay. But, he died the night he got there." Noah agonizes the thought of talking about the situation with someone.
"What happened?" Emily inquires.
Noah opens her mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. She has never had to explain what happened, she was never asked.
"We met in art class last year," Noah begins, "We were both awful at art and the teacher hated us."
"She hated how every time she talked, we were too busy talking to each other or laughing. And she hated that we put no effort in. But sometimes we really tried, we were just that bad!" Noah giggles and sees Emily smiling.
"We would always make fun of each other's art." Noah chuckles, "He once told me that my watercolor painting of a butterfly looked like a hotdog with wings."
Emily lets a giggle escape at Noah's story.
"He was fun to be around, but I don't think he ever knew that." Noah admits, "He was...sad. Like, all the time. It just depended on whether he wanted to show it or not." She explains.
"When we got closer, we made up this system. If he was having an okay day, he would wear these bright neon green socks. And if he was having a bad day, he would wear black socks." Noah explains to Emily, "After a while, I never saw the green socks again. And I always wanted to ask him about it, but I didn't want to see the smile disappear from his face."
"Because he smiled around me all the time. When we would meet up in the mornings, in class, when we would eat lunch together, after school when we would hang out in his backyard." Noah sadly smiles to herself, "He was my escape and I was his."
Noah pauses as she composes herself for what comes next.
"Every day, I wish I would have asked him." She sighs, "But I was too late."
Emily looks down at the ground and she realizes what Noah is trying to say.
"What was his name?" Emily asks.
"Max," Noah replies and rolls her eyes to hold back her tears, "His name was Max." She says more contently.
"I'm sure Max was a good friend."
"You know, even after he was gone, I always wondered how he seemed to have fit a lifetime of friendship into one year."
"Sometimes the best people are the ones who are struggling inside," Emily says and looks up at the teen, who has a tear rolling down her cheek. Emily lifts her hand to wipe it away and scoots over to sit closer to the teen.
"Why didn't I do better? Why didn't I do more for him?" Noah innocently asks.
"Noah—"
"I let him down — I did that! I didn't do better, I should have done more, I should have checked on him! Why didn't I ask him if he was okay? Why didn't I check in on him? Why didn't I do better?!" Noah cries out as she feels her breath tighten. Emily takes the teen into her arms and consoles her.
"Noah," Emily coos and brushes the teen's hair with her fingers, "You gave that boy the best year of his life. You gave him exactly what he needed."
"I just wish I wouldn't have minimized what he was going through," Noah sobs, "I mean, I was so naive that we made up a system based on socks!"
"You didn't minimize it. You saw it and you recognized it and, for him, that might have been rare." Emily wisely says, "You spent all those days with him and, who knows? Maybe that was a whole year that you gave him just because you were being you."
"I just wish 'me being me' would've convinced him a bit longer."
Noah sits up and unravels herself from Emily's arms.
"Was this what triggered the panic attack at the hospital?" Emily questions her.
"There was a woman who was breaking down in the hallway." Noah says, "It was someone who was close to her. I overheard the nurses saying she was young."
"I didn't kick and scream and sob my way out of the hospital when Max died." Noah admits, "But I felt every single thing she was feeling in my head. And, in my mind, that's almost worse."