Kim Misoo's pov
"Stop talking about yesterday Misoo. Yesterday's kiss was nothing but a mistake."
My body went numb after hearing that. I didn't feel anything. No emotions were emerging from me after that.
"Mistake?", I shockingly whispered to myself.
"Yes, a mistake. So stop being clingy just because I kissed you. It didn't mean anything to me, so forget about it.", saying this he went out of his room.
I couldn't move, I wanted to cry but I couldn't feel my tears flowing. It felt like my body froze. I didn't know for how much time I stayed like that but I came out of my realisation when I heard someone knocking out of the door.
After knocking twice, Jungkook entered inside the door. "Noona are you feeling okay? You are in here for too long."
"Yeah Jungkook. I was just heading out now.", I forced a smile on my face and replied.
"You are okay right? You look pale noona.", Jungkook looked concerned and came close to me. He was going to caress my cheeks when I moved backwards.
"Jungkook, I think I should go now. You're right. I'm not feeling that well right now."
"What happened Noona? We have our personal doctor in the building. Do you want me to contact him for you?"
"No Jungkook, I should head to my dorm now. It's late too. I'll sleep and I would feel okay." It physically hurt me to force a smile.
"Okay noona, let's head out now."He held my hands by my wrist to take me out of the room but I reluctantly pulled my hand to loose his grip.
"I'm okay Jungkook. I should head out now.", I speed walked out of his room and went towards the living room to see Namjoon missing.
"Come Misoo, sit here. Eat some ice cream.", Taehyung forwarded his hand that held a ice cream.
"No sir, I should head out now. It's late."
"She's not feeling well too, so she's heading out."
"Are you okay Misoo?"Jin sir asked me with concern.
"Yeah sir, just a little headache."
"Okay noona, you can go now. But please do visit us again. We loved to spend time with you.", Jimin smiled with his eyes closing. But I really couldn't think about anything else. My mind was blurred. Maybe I didn't hear half of the things they were talking about.
I bid them a good bye and came outside of the room. Just after that a tear betrayed me and came out of my eyes.
Don't cry Misoo, do not cry. I consoled myself and went to my dorm. After switching off the lights, I laid down on the bed and looked blankly at the roof for sometime.
Then the whole conversation flashed in front of my eyes and then I couldn't control my tears. My silent tears suddenly turned into sobbing and I covered my mouth with a blanket to not make much sounds.
I was so happy today morning. I dreamt about us being together after we kissed yesterday. I even thought that he might have feelings for me. But I was so wrong. It was just a heat of moment for him. My first ever kiss was just a mistake for him.
I really couldn't control my tears and I got hiccups due to continuously crying. I was never this hurt in my life. Maybe because I never had this much higher exceptations from somebody.
Even after bawling my eyes out, I couldn't fall asleep. Because I fell numb altogether.
I was too much hurt because of him but I still had one thing confirmed in my mind. Something was definitely wrong with Namjoon. Even if he didn't feel anything for me, he wouldn't have hurt me like this.
Even after he hurt me like this, I couldn't stop worrying about him. I didn't know what happened but I could see he was hurt too.
I stared at the roof thinking about him and wiping my tears continuously.
Kim Namjoon's pov
I left the room and came to the roof top to avoid seeing her anymore. After reaching the roof, I kneeled down on the floor and started sobbing loudly.
I'm so sorry Misoo, it was not a mistake. It was the most beautiful moment in my life. I lied that it didn't mean anything to me. It meant everything, it meant happiness for me.
But I don't deserve you Misoo. You deserve better. You deserve Jungkook. I'm sorry for hurting you like that but once you get to know about Jungkook's feelings for you, you would be grateful to me to not keep you to myself.
I couldn't ask you to be with myself Misoo. I cannot be selfish even if it is killing me right in my heart.
I kept my hand on my face and continued sobbing imagining her hurtful look after I rubbed rude words on her face.I stopped crying and stiffened when I felt someone hugging me. I knew in a second that it was him.
Hoseok hyung.
"Shh Namjoon. Stop crying." His one hand patted my back while the other caressed my hair while still being in the hug.
The homely feeling and the concern that I felt from him made me calm down a little bit. I needed this.
"It's okay Namjoon, everything's going to be okay. Do not worry.", He kept whispering words in my ears to calm me down.
After I calmed down, I didn't know what to reply. He saw me in my breaking point. What if he asks me why I was crying now. What will I reply to him. I really couldn't think about any reason since my mind went blank.
"Are you okay now? Stopped crying hmm?"he whispered again while I nodded a yes.
He broke the hug and gave me a smile while wiping my tears off my face.
"Do you want some water? Should I bring something to drink?", He asked me.
I nodded in a no without saying anything and wiped the last tears off my face. He didn't ask me anything but I had to give some reason to justify my crying.
"Hyung don't worry, it's nothing. I was just stressed about work and-"
"I heard your and Misoo's conversation Namjoon."
I looked at him in shock. My mind went numb after that. I didn't know what to reply next. He heard us arguing about our relationship.
"Believe me Namjoon, I didn't mean to eavesdrop on you guys but I returned from the washroom and was passing by your door when I heard you two talking. I just wanted to know what was happening and your door was open so I heard everything."
"Hyung-", I really didn't know what to reply to him. He heard me talking to her so rudely. He would have been thinking that I don't know how to respect and talk to girls.
"I know what you are thinking Namjoon. I was angry on you. When I heard that you both kissed yesterday and today you told her that it was a mistake and it didn't mean anything to you, I nearly lost it. I might have entered the room and would have slapped you to put some sense in your head but I didn't do that.
After sometime, I thought that you would never do it to someone. You can never hurt an ant consciously so I knew you would never hurt her feelings. So I waited for her to go back so that I could talk to you, but after seeing you crying like this here, I don't know what's happening anymore.
Now it feels like you wanted to hurt her on purpose. You wanted to send her away from you purposely even after you were hurt about it too. So I don't know anymore Namjoon. Please tell me what is happening. I can clearly see your eyes are in hurt to see her hurting too. But why did you want her to be away from you? What is the reason? Please Namjoon share it with me."
He softly spoke to me like explaining a child. He kept caressing my shoulders while talking to me and asked me about the reason. It was the moment I knew I couldn't act in front of him now. I needed someone to lean on now, I may get a panic attack very soon because I could feel my vision going blur.
I acted brave in front of everybody but I was too much scared. After getting those panic attacks, all the while I was scared to do anything that might be a result of it since I get terrorised when it comes to me. I know I could consult a psychiatrist and get myself checked but I didn't want to be enabled insane by Army too if the information leaks.
And I have been hiding my attacks very well from the others. But now it might get more troublesome so I definitely had to lean on someone and when I saw Hoseok hyung kneeling in front of me caressing my shoulders and asking me to share my problems, I could stop acting.
"Hyung", I bawled my eyes out and hugged him while calling him name again and again. I could feel my breathe choking. I was frightened.
"Shh, hyung is with you, hyung is not leaving you anywhere Namjoon. It's totally okay. Do not worry, hyung will take care of you.", He kept whispering again and again.
"Hyung, it's hurting me. It's hurting my chest. It feels like I can't breathe hyung.", I knew it was just psychological and I could breathe properly, but my mind created images that made me believe that I can't breathe.
"You can't breathe? Wait a minute Namjoon, let me call others. Shit I haven't bought my phone.", He broke the hug and stood up."Let me go and call others real quick Namjoon, stay still do not worry."
Before he would leave me alone, I caught his wrist."Don't leave me hyung. Please don't call anyone else. I do not want to see them looking at me with sympathy in their eyes. Hug me hyung, give me some time I'll be okay."
He pulled me to himself and kept hugging me and whispering sweet words in my ears. I was in my instance but I could hear sobbing sound coming from Hyung too. I made him cry too.
That was the reason, I didn't want to share my problems with them, all I would cause them is sadness and pain.
He kept hugging me and kissing me on my head to calm me down. I slowly calmed down and I could breathe normally. My headache slowly disappeared too.
"I'm okay now Hyung.", I slowly whispered. He slowly broke the hug and I saw his eyes filled with tears because of me.
"No,Namjoon you aren't okay. Come with me now. We should visit the doctor."
"Believe me hyung, it's nothing new. It has happened with me before."
"What?",he looked at me in shock.
"You have been experiencing this and you haven't said this to me. Is it only me who doesn't know about this? Who knows about this Namjoon?", He bit his lips to stop getting angry at me since he knew it was neither the correct time nor the correct place.
"No one.",I whispered.
His hands stopped caressing me and I looked at him to see his eyes wide.
"Since how long are you getting this? A month, a year?", He looked stern.
"Since the next year of our debut."
"You were getting panic attacks since 6 years and you didn't share it with us. Don't you trust us. Don't you trust me? "
"I trust you guys the most hyung. You guys are my everything."
"So why didn't you share it with us Namjoon. Did you feel that you are going to burden us due to this. Did you think that it may make us worried about you so you decided to be selfless and keep all your pains within you?"
I didn't know know what to reply. It was true so I nodded a yes.
"You aren't selfless Namjoon. You are selfish.", He snapped at me with tears in his eyes while I look at him with shock.
"Yes you are a selfish soul. And you know what made you selfish? You decided to be the supporting pillar of us, you decided to be the one who knows everyone's worries, you decided to be the one to help everyone. But you decided to keep all your worries and hatredness to yourself without sharing with us. You are selfish for that.
Remember when I was going to leave the group and you cried while hugging me and asked me to trust you and the others. You told me that we would be together in this. We will stand beside each other and fight for ourselves.
I knew all about the hashtag that were trending on Twitter in the initial days asking me to leave the group Namjoon. But you still were beside me saying it meant something else in Korean and you lied to me that they loved me and that's why I was trending. I knew basic English Namjoon, but I still believed in your lie and believed in you and stayed.
And now you are telling me that you were getting panic attacks since that time but we never got to know about this? Why did you have to be so selfless Namjoon. Why?"
He started while looking angry but after finishing he was sobbing. It was my time to hug him.
"I'm sorry hyung. I'm really sorry. Please forgive me."
"I'll forgive you only on one condition Namjoon.",he wiped his tears.
"I can do anything for your forgiveness Hyung."
"Tell me everything Namjoon. Tell me everything since the start. What happened, what was the reason of the panic attacks, why are you still getting it now, what made you depressed, what was the commotion downstairs now. I want to know everything.
It's okay if you do not want to share it to me now. I'll wait for you when you are okay to share but then only you'll get my forgiveness."
I looked at the ground for a while. To think about my past was painful for me. It pained me to go through the memories when I used to lock the door and suffer panic attacks alone in my room. But I knew that he deserved to know about that, they deserved to know about that.
So I revealed everything to him. I said him about all those hatredness I was getting,the letters,the messages, the vlive comments, Twitter trends,death threats and all the things that had haunted me.
I also told him my experiences of the panic attacks. How I used to hide in bedroom and suffer those, how I covered up and everything else.
He was strong all these while. Even after he was sobbing while hearing it, he still caressed my shoulders and wiped my tears while I continued to share everything that was a nightmare to me.
"You are so strong Namjoon, I'm proud of you. You are the strongest person I have ever known. I'm sorry, hyung was not with you when you were suffering alone. Please forgive me. We all love you. You are the heart of BTS. Without you, there is no us. So please rely on me. I'll be there with you whenever you'll need me okay? So lean on me whenever you get hurt Namjoon-ah. Hyung will protect you." He hugged me while saying all this.
"Thank you hyung. I'll lean on you."
"Now tell me about Misoo. What happened between you guys? I guessed before that you guys may have feelings for each other."
"You knew?"
"You are too obvious Namjoon. You might have fooled us all these years hiding all your hurtfulness with that fake smile of yours but after Misoo entered your life, you started showing every emotion. You couldn't really hide those eyes filled with love from us Namjoon."
I chuckled while listening to all of it. It hurt me to smile about it. Because all of it was already finished.
"Now explain me the reason Namjoon. Why did you hurt her like that downstairs? How could you kiss her yesterday and say that it meant nothing to you today? I know you may have a very deep reason for this. Tell me that please."
I was very reluctant to share it with him. He loved me but he loved Jungkook like his own child. So I was scared to say it to him. What if he accuses me of trying to steal Jungkook's love. Maybe he wouldn't accuse me but advice me to stay away from their love life. Whatever it would be, I have promised him that I'll share everything to him and I'll keep my promise.
"I'll tell you everything hyung but you have to promise me something?"
"Promise you what Namjoon?"
"You will not share it with anyone else. I trust everyone but I don't want anyone else to know about this."
"Why dont-"
"Please promise me hyung. I have promised you to share everything and that's what I am doing, so you should promise me too."
"Okay Namjoon. I'll keep quiet about it. But if the situation worsens you'll not blame me to interfere in it."
"As much as I would not want you to interfere, I'll never blame it to you Hyung."
"So tell me everything."
"I like Misoo.", For the first time I confessed it in words.
"I knew it Namjoon. I knew it.", Before he got too much excited, I said.
"Jungkook likes Misoo too."
"What? This can't be true Namjoon.There might me some misunderstanding."
"Jungkook said me yesterday night that he likes her since the start."
Hyung looked shocked and didn't say anything for a while. I knew that he'll support him from now on.
"Hyung we shared our moment. We kissed. I planned to confess and ask her to be my girlfriend today but see what destiny had planned for me.", I chuckled dryly.
"Jungkook told you that he likes her after you came back to the dorm after kissing her and that's why you ignored her and said those bashful words to her?", He looked at me in disbelief.
"Yes hyung.", I looked down and whispered.
"You thought over your feelings and Jungkook's feelings but you didn't think about what she would be going through?", He asked sternly while I bit my lips since I had no reply to that.
"That girl also have some feelings Namjoon. You kissed her yesterday, that's why she looked so happy in the morning. Had you seen her today when she was giggling all around and greeting everyone.
You came out of the dorm after saying those words to her and you didn't see her face while she was leaving our dorm. She looked emotionless. That was heaven and hell difference between the morning and night emotion for her Namjoon."
Another tear slipped out of my eyes.
"But hyung believe me, she'll be happy again when she knows that Jungkook likes her. She will soon forget about me after she's gets to know Jungkook's feelings. She deserves way much better than me. And Jungkook is perfect. Jungkook has everything a girl would want in her boyfriend, so why should she be with me when she can get him."
It hurt me too much to say it but I said all my feelings. I really meant it,I also imagined her rejecting me after getting to know about Jungkook and that hurt me in my chest.
"Namjoon will you reply to a single question of mine?"
"Yes hyung."
"If Jungkook had found out recently that he fell in love with Dahyun and he would have confessed it to her, do you think Dahyun would have left Jin hyung and be with Jungkook instead since he was perfect and was every girl's ideal man?"
"No hyung, Jin hyung is perfect in his own way. And basically the most important thing is Dahyun loves him, so she would never leave him for Jungkook. Jin hyung and Jungkook shouldn't be compared."
"Exactly Namjoon. You answered your own question. You are perfect in your own way too. Why are you comparing yourself with him. You are intelligent,handsome,elegant, sweet and most importantly you like her.
You don't have to be perfect to fall in love Namjoon. You fall in love because you are imperfect and you find someone who makes you perfect."
"Hyung Jungkook is better th-"
"You can decide for your own Namjoon but who are you to decide what Misoo should do? Do you think she would fall in love with Jungkook just because you stop talking to her or behave rudely? No Namjoon, that attitude would most definitely distance you two but it wouldn't bring her and Jungkook together. "
"But hyung, even if she likes me too, I can't do that to Jungkook. I don't want him to look at me with distrust in his eyes. He's like my brother hyung, I can't do that to him."
"Again Namjoon, do you think he would be happy if he gets to know about this. If both of you like each other then he will most probably back off because he wants to see you happy too.
Do not decide it yourself Namjoon. Your one decision can be harmful for three lives."
His words made sense to me but my state of mind was too much blurred due to all the crying. And I think Hoseok hyung understood it.
"It's okay Namjoon take your time. You don't have to make decisions this instant only. But just remember that you shouldn't take her for granted. She has feelings too. She might be crying to sleep now because of your hurtful words. So don't hurt that innocent soul okay?"
I just hmmed and we came down to our dorm. Everyone was already asleep. Hyung dropped me to my room and asked me to take rest and decide tomorrow.
Talking to him really felt good. It felt like some of the burden is lift off me. I should tell everyone soon about my past too. I trust them.
I remembered what Misoo told me once "Tell them Namjoon. They are your family. If they get to know much later, they would think that you don't trust them and that was the reason you didn't share. And believe me that would hurt much more."
I'll share everything very soon. Thank you so much hyung for clearing out so many thoughts of mine. Thinking about all this I slept.
The next day I woke up and got ready to go to our rehearsals.We altogether reached the dancing studio. We had fifteen minutes to get basic makeup and get ready for the rehearsal. I looked at the side to see Misoo looking at me. She gave me her weak smile and waved at me.
Before I could go and talk to her, Jungkook went near her and she started doing his makeup. I could clearly see Jungkook flirting with her. He would nod his head here and there and Misoo would hold him by his chin or sometimes with his cheek. She was giggling too. She looked happy with him.
She finished his makeup and was coming to my side when he held her by her wrist and stood up to talk to her about something. He was blushing while talking to her and leaned forward to whisper something in her ear when she giggled and pushed him playfully.
I clenched my face after seeing them together. What was I even thinking yesterday. I really thought I should talk to them about it, but clearly Misoo is over me.
After that she came to me and started doing my makeup.
"Good Morning Namjoon.", She weakly smiled at me. She couldn't even smile properly with me but she was giggling when she had Jungkook by her side.
I ignored her even if it hurt me and was going through my phone.
"I'm sorry for yesterday Namjoon. Please don't ignore me. Atleast talk to me like the time when you considered me as your friend."
"I have never considered you as a friend Misoo. That's why we don't make much female friends because they turn out to be clingy after that.", I tried to make her hate me a little more.
"Stop it Namjoon. It's hurting me.", Her eyes were filled with tears that were begging to be released.
"You should stop nagging me everytime too. It's getting much annoying."
She didn't say anything after that and continued to do my makeup and left towards the side without saying anything else.
It hurt me to look at her like that. I'm sorry Misoo. I'm sorry.
We were called for our recording and we came to our positions to start the dance.
My eyes unconsciously moved to where Misoo was standing. Everytime she would wave a hi and give me a big thumps up to boost my confidence but today she looked other side when I looked at her. I deserved that.
After the music started, I gave in my best and we performed the whole choreography and finished the recording.
We were in the center of the room while every other staff were going out when Jungkook called Misoo towards them.
"Misoo noona,please come here."
I could see Jimin and Taehyung jumping up and down looking at him while smiling and laughing.
She reluctantly walked towards our side.
"Noona, Jungkook has something to say to you", Jimin pushed Jungkook towards Misoo and both of them nearly collided and Jungkook held her to stop her from falling.
Jimin and Taehyung made noises teasing both of them. I could feel my heart started hurting too.
"Noona.", He reluctantly held her hand and looked at her.
"It been a long time since I have started liking you. Basically you were my love at first sight noona. I know it's too soon but will you be my girlfriend?"
She looked shocked by the sudden confession and she directly looked at me without saying anything else. Everyone clapped at cheered for him so I too clapped for him while every clap felt like a slap to my face.
She continued looking at me. She watched me clapping for them and ignoring her. So she replied to Jungkook.
"Yes Jungkook I'll be your girlfriend."
Hello my lovelies 💜
Another update for you.
How did you like the MAJOR TWIST, don't kill me for that🤭🤭🤭
I would really like to thank you guys for always commenting on the updates. Honestly I had thought of discontinuing the story but your comments are fuel for my story to continue.
Borahae💜