The club members lined up excitedly behind the immigration counter, but I couldn't feel the same exhilaration all of them felt. I had missed the training sessions leading up to the day of the competition to make sure my ankle healed as much as possible, but the fear of it breaking loose still haunted me right till this moment. Not only that, we were going to my hometown.
But that wasn't the only thing on my mind.
Standing a few rows in front of me were Haknyeon and Donghyuck, and ever since the last self-training session, I haven't spoken to either of them especially Donghyuck, mainly because I was embarrassed.
During the walk home that same day, my mind was filled with only one thing; how do you expect to defeat others when you can't even conquer yourself? That sentence struck a nerve in my heart, because what right did he have to pinpoint my attitude when he was the one having behavioural issues?
But a thought remained vividly in my head. You lack the willpower to even encourage yourself and depend on others to motivate you. Even though I knew, it still hurts to hear it from someone else's mouth, but was he really my only source of motivation?
At that moment, Donghyuck looked back, our eyes meeting for a brief moment before he diverted them to the front again. But even in that short instance, I could feel sympathy conveyed through his stoic face. You didn't do it for yourself, you did it for others, which was what he meant to imply then, but I was too caught up in my pride and ignorance that I failed to comprehend.
Even now as I walked through the air gate, my ego was trying to get the better of me. He was using you as a stepping stool, it said, the only person you should trust is yourself. But in this case, it was right. Maybe I should stop being so reliant on others' opinions and focus on my own strengths.
Maybe going back to Seoul would revive the ambitious Yoojin who strived at her own will.
---
"Alright, when I announce your names followed by your rooms, come and get your keys at the counter," Coach Lee instructed as he read out from a list in his hand. Great, just when I could use some alone time, I have to room with three others.
"Lee Soobin, Im Junhee, Shin Youn and Sung Yoojin." And just when I thought it couldn't get worse.
"Hi, roommate! It's good to see we can spend more time together now!" Soobin chimed as the four of us entered the elevator, pressing our floor number before turning her attention back to me. "Why haven't you turn up for training lately?"
Before I got to answer, someone beside me beat me to it. "Can't you see the bandage on her ankle?" Youn pointed out, "Funny how she sprained it few days before the competition."
I could tell the other sentence was directed to me, so I couldn't help but explain, "It's an old injury, it got worse after self-training so I took a break." Even without looking, I could tell she was being sceptical from her muted reply, but I guessed she wasn't over our last exchange in the gym so I let her be.
The elevator reached our floor and we dragged our luggage across the quiet hallway all the way to our room near the end. Upon entering, we were greeted by a musty smell of the living room, followed by a blocked view of the town. Yeah, probably not a nice first impression of Seoul, but it got us distracted from our initial topic for a while.
After browsing the sitting area, we piled into the single bedroom simultaneously where two queen beds were arranged at each corner of the room, with a space large enough to fit a picnic mat between them. I set my luggage beside the first bed before Soobin came flying onto the same one. "Dibs on Yoojin and this bed!"
"Fine by me," Youn set her belongings beside the second bed as she said that, while Junhee whipped out an air freshener and started spraying the room until it smelled like jasmine flowers. When she realised all three of us were staring, she casually replied, "I'm sorry, the smell is too suffocating."
"I agree, carry on," I dismissed and she smiled, making her way to the living room with a few more squirts. Right then, my phone buzzed and I swiped up to read the incoming message.
Once you've settled down, please change into your training gear and bring your water bottle to the main lobby.
"Dang it, can't we rest during our first day here?" Soobin groaned and stuffed her face into the pillow, but sadly I couldn't agree with her on this one. Missing those few pieces of training made me feel so lifeless, and I would be at a disadvantage if I don't get back on my feet as soon as possible.
"The tournament is in a few days, we have to prep as much as possible." I rummaged through my bag for an extra set of clothes as Youn commented sarcastically, "Glad to see you being more diligent."
I flashed a wry smile before heading to the bathroom to get changed. I just hoped to get past this week without as much conflict as possible.
---
"Gosh, I'm exhausted," Soobin exhaled the moment we came back to our room, crashing onto the floor like a piece of lumber. Despite afraid that her sweaty body might stain the carpet she was on, I couldn't agree more with her actions.
Our whole day was filled with continuous training despite being our first day here. The moment we got here, we ran up and down the stairs of the building at least 10 times, finishing off with a PT session on the rooftop. And that was just the warm-up. After lunch, we had our usual training at Huinnom Academy, one of the prestigious Taekwondo clubs around Seoul, followed by a shared session with the said club members for another 3 hours. Honestly, if there's anyone who's not tired after all that, they're not from earth.
"I can't wait for dinner," Soobin continued while still lying on the ground, rubbing her belly while giggling, "I'm gonna eat to my heart's content."
"Remember to watch your diet," Junhee reminded, "We need to maintain our weight before the weigh-in." With that said, the girl on the floor started grumbling about the whole weigh-in process, before reciting a whole grocery list of what she was going to eat after this season.
While the two of them were chatting, I managed to slip out of their conversation and into the bedroom. Just as I was about to enjoy the nice and quiet atmosphere, it was interrupted by someone else.
"So, what do you think of your first day?" Youn was leaning against the doorframe with her arms crossed, an anticipating look on her face. But I was not sure how to answer her, partly because I was quite certain she was being sarcastic.
"Not bad, considering this is a first for me," I answered in a way that made me seem nonchalant even though I was debating inside, while throwing in a little politeness. She raised her eyebrows as if impressed by my answer, before nodding slowly as she replied, "Well, you better get used to it. This is only the start; the competitive environment is no kiddy pool."
She tilted her head and smiled, although I could tell that was a clear warning. Don't make the same mistake as last time, but I was no stranger to that lava pit to understand what she meant.
"Sure." I managed back a nod and she left the room, before heaving a great sigh. Half of me is still bothered by her snarky comment, but the other half is bothered by something even greater; the competition.
Although a not major season, this invitational tournament still made my insides churn, mainly because I didn't feel prepared enough to be back on the mats in front of spectators that I don't know. Or worse, do. I've only told Hyojin about this match, but who knows who he might bring. I don't want to disappoint anyone again.
Knock knock.
I whipped around to Junhee standing at the door. "It's dinnertime, aren't you coming?"
"Oh, yeah, right," I stuttered, fiddling around for my phone before rushing out of the door behind her. However, the thought still remained in my head even as we entered the lift; will I be able to perform well in front of others?
---
"Food!!" Soobin screamed the moment we entered the empty cafeteria, so I guess we were the first down. I'm not surprised though, considering how she dragged us out of our room 10 minutes before the scheduled timing.
Grabbing our plates, we lined up at the start of a long table filled with mouthwatering delicacies, but sadly we couldn't have most of them due to our diet.
"Stop stealing all the beef!" Soobin whined as Junhee scooped a chunk of beef cubes onto her plate, with the latter shooting her a look as she took another scoop. Being lazy to choose, I followed their choices all the way until the end of the buffet table, picking up two slices of watermelon to finish off my plate.
I was the last to settle down at our table, and I didn't realise how early we were until the rest of the members piled into the room with much chattering. My eyes stayed on the entrance until two familiar figures strolled in, and I immediately looked away before they could notice.
"Oh yeah, Yoojin," Junhee asked at the right time, "Aren't you from Seoul? Can you bring us around someday?"
After processing her question, I shrugged unsurely, mainly because of two reasons. "If time permits, then sure. But I doubt Coach Lee will give us a day off." That was one, and two; because I don't want to bump into anyone I know here, although I think I will even if we were not touring the region. However, the first reason was debunked easily.
"Don't worry, Coach Lee always gives us a day or two off right before a competition and another day off after, so we have plenty of time to explore!" Soobin chimed in with a mouthful of food, but I couldn't absorb her excitement. A third reason; I don't actually know many places around here apart from the Han river. They might be disappointed.
"You should bring us to your hometown too," Junhee suggested further, but I immediately shunned down that request. "That's too sudden, I don't want my parents to be stressed about visitors."
Maybe my point was too straightforward, but the two of them seemed to pick up my uncomfortableness of the topic and dismissed it too. I felt bad, but I didn't want them questioning why my parents didn't know about my arrival.
I poked mindlessly at the cooked cabbage on my plate when someone caught my attention at the corner of my eye. I glanced towards my left and instantly regretted it. Our eyes met for the second time today, the same bitter feeling swirling inside my chest that made it hard to swallow the chewed up beef in my mouth.
"By the way," Youn raised beside me, catching me off guard, "You two don't seem to be on good terms recently. What happened?" She nudged her head between me and the boy sitting down at a corner table, but I pretended to not understand.
"Who?" I looked around the cafeteria, purposely avoiding the table they were sitting at. But my attempt at feigning innocence only drew the attention of the other two girls.
"You mean Hyuckie?" Soobin asked as she turned her whole body around, not even trying to hide the fact that we were talking about it. Lucky, his back was facing us. "You're right, the three of you were always together."
"I wouldn't say always," I muttered sourly and stuffed another chunk of rice into my mouth, before realising their curious looks were egging me to continue. "And you can't say we aren't on good terms when I haven't turned up for the last few training sessions."
My rebuttal seemed to have gotten through to Junhee and Soobin as both of them nodded their heads in agreement, but Youn didn't bite the bait.
"But you didn't even talk to them for the whole day when usually, you would," she pried further, causing me to drop my fork and laugh.
"Usually? Have you been observing me lately?" I scoffed, resulting in Youn retreating a little, "I appreciate your obsession with me, but don't you have better things to focus on?" Unfortunately, my questions didn't turn her away.
"I knew it, I warned you not to hang out with him, it'll only cause you unnecessary harm," she concluded with certainty, and I couldn't help but shoot it down.
"They're just training companions, and nothing worse than a mere conflict came between us," I explained exasperatedly, "And even if there was, it shouldn't be of your concern, nor any of yours." I directed the rest of the sentence to the other two out of annoyance, stunning both of them. Can't the topic change to something irrelevant to our current one?
At least, my mini outburst seemed to have quietened the table as we continued eating in silence, but the recent conversation still banged on the door to my mind. No, I shouldn't be bent over what went on between us, I don't need their help anyway. Gosh, I really can't wait for the break to be over so I don't need to see them anymore.
"But here's the weird thing," Soobin suddenly piped up again, "The Donghyuck I know hates training with others besides Haknyeon because they're basically bound to the hip, so I was surprised you started training with them."
I stared back at the curious eyes pinned on me, but I couldn't find anything better to say because I myself couldn't believe how I got pulled into that mess. Funnily, the conversation seemed to be continuing without me.
"Maybe Haknyeon was the one who suggested it," Junhee stated, "He did ask a few of us before if we wanted to join this self-training session, but I was busy at that time so I refused."
"True, but..." Soobin agreed, dragging the word for so long she sounded like a broken radio. "It looked like Donghyuck was the one who instigated the whole thing. I may or may not have been observing you both."
She said that last part rather sheepishly, causing me to blurt out, "Am I that interesting to observe?" I nibbled on a slice of watermelon, thinking about both of their hypothesises. Junhee's was probably closer to the actual story, but too many things went down during that period for me to be absolutely sure.
"You're both wrong," Youn joined in and all of us looked at her in anticipation, but I was more anxious than curious. She glanced at me briefly, before picking up her glass of water and revealed, "Donghyuck wanted to help our friend here, and that's how everything started."
How did she-
I narrowed my eyes at her, but she returned it with an ambiguous smile. I simply couldn't remember telling her anything about that, though I knew she was aware of our self-training; now that I think about it, everyone was. But what was the point of revealing all this anyway?
Apparently to spill more tea, because Soobin wasn't absorbing this information very well.
"But... why?" She questioned, sending me back to the day when I asked him the same thing, but he only gave me a vague answer both times. Youn shrugged, causing her to turn to Junhee who did the same and finally, her eyes were on me.
"Even I don't know," I exhaled deeply, pricking at the watermelon seeds without making eye contact with either of them. I've given up on that question a long time ago since I knew he wouldn't tell me, so be it. But Soobin didn't want to drop the topic that quickly.
"Could it be that he has feelings for you?"
---
yall sorry for the long ass wait but heres a long ass chap that went through many changes. work is catching up on me so be prepared for longer waits ;-;