https://archiveofourown.org/works/4647069
this one is kinda sad but also cute and soft smut so :p enjoy!
~✰~
The minute they're offstage, Harry's smile drops.
He feels sick, stomach churning after having to act like he was totally okay and ecstatic for the past three hours.
It's not that he wasn't happy or excited to be performing for the fans. He loved that bit.
But having to pretend like the love of his life wasn't delving into yet another atrocious lie, having to put a smile on his face while his Louis admitted to an act he didn't commit—that was brutal.
So Harry isn't okay. Not at all. In fact, all he wants to do is cry and maybe scream and curl up into a ball of nothing. It's just so unfair that—even after five years—he and Louis were still stuck in the same place.
Except this time, Harry wasn't sure if the damage would be manageable, or how far deep down the lie would run.
One thing he did know is that he was sick of it all.
Harry was tired of living a lie, of living in hiding. And the fact that he was questioning everything scared him. He and Louis have endured so much but he doubted his ability to live through this one and he just—he couldn't do this.
Looking up, Harry meets Louis' eyes. The sadness and pain and apologies in them are so prominent that he finds himself looking away just as quickly as he'd met them. He still manages to catch the flit of hurt in Louis' gaze in response to his reaction, but Harry just can't bear to look at him, not after having to hear how much he's "buzzing" in news to his currently non-existing baby.
The baby that was always supposed to be theirs.
Tears in his eyes, Harry quickly gathers his things and heads for the first available car. He doesn't wait and he doesn't talk to anyone. He's scared that if he opens his mouth, the only thing that's going to come out of it is an ugly sob. And he doesn't want that. He just wants to be alone right now.
Five minutes into the ride, his phone starts buzzing. He ignores it, closing his eyes and concentrating on breathing instead. His skin is crawling and he just wants to rip himself apart because it's his fault isn't it? It must be him that's the problem. If he was just a girl...he and Louis would be free and he would be able to do the one thing a male can't biologically do—the one thing he wanted more than anything.
Arriving at the hotel, Harry rushes up to his shared room. He locks himself in the bathroom, turning to look at the head-to-toe mirror on the back of the door.
He hates what he sees there. His face, his hair, his body, everything. He wants to take every piece of him he sees and rearrange it. His nose is too big, his body too tall. His chest is too flat and his hips too chubby. With every second, he feels bile rise in the back of his throat at the sight of himself.
But he doesn't look away. Instead, his gaze lingers on the flat smoothness of his tummy, and he finds himself rubbing the skin there, imagining a world in which he would be carrying a life, a life he and Louis created.
A tear drops, and then another. A pathetic sound escapes his mouth, pitiful just like his thoughts.
Because Harry wishes it was him.
He wishes he was the one with a baby growing in his belly—a real one that is. He oh so wishes this whole thing with Louis becoming a dad was real, wants Louis to be the father of a baby, to be announcing his excitement over starting a family—but not with some random girl their management picked up. He wants it to be him; the person Louis is sharing this experience with, wants to be the carrier of their child—children—so so much.
But, he wasn't, and it's not like he could ever do that for Louis. And that knowledge hurt more than anything, every single day of his life.
In fact, more often than not these days, Harry hates his body and resents himself for not being able to provide Louis with the children they both wanted. Sometimes, he even felt like Louis hates him for it, that Louis ponders a life where he's with someone who he can actually produce a life with.
And that's where the guilt came in.
Closing his eyes, Harry lets his mind wander. He imagines himself four months pregnant, with a beautiful baby bump. He imagines a slight firmness beneath his fingers, a swell under the span of his hands. He imagines Louis behind him with his arms wrapped around his waist, whispering loving words.
"Harry?"
Harry's eyes fly open. The dream is shattered with a hesitant knock to the bathroom door. And for the first time in a long while, Harry doesn't want to see Louis. Or more like, he doesn't want Louis to see him. Because Louis deserves so much more and Harry doesn't.
"Harry, love? You in there?"
He tries so hard to stay quiet but a sob manages to escape. Harry muffles it with one hand. It's futile though. He knows Louis has heard it.
"Harry? Baby, please open the door. It's just me, yeah?"
No, Harry thinks. No no no no. He doesn't want to open the door. He doesn't want Louis to see how ugly he is, how undeserving of him.
"H...please don't shut me out. I know you're hurting baby. Believe me, I am too. But the only way we'll get through this is together. So please? For me? For us?"
Harry doesn't move. He doesn't breathe. He keeps his eyes shut and wills everything to go away. He hates the pain in Louis' voice, the pain he's caused. He can feel his resolve waning because of it and yet, he stays glued to the spot.
"Darling, you're worrying me. Please just let me know you're alright. Please? I love you so much, H."
Maybe it's the crack in Louis' voice or the I love you he utters but Harry finds himself unlocking the door just as the sobs come wracking out like a domino effect. He's immediately enveloped in a warm familiar chest, a musky sweet smell that only belongs to Louis. He sinks right into it, letting himself go as years of pain and grief wash over him. And Louis holds him tightly through it, never letting go as he rubs Harry's back and whispers loving, calming words.
"Oh H I'm so sorry. We'll get through this though. We always do, yeah? Please stop blaming yourself, darling," Louis rambles, causing Harry to cry harder because Louis gets it.
He gets it without having to be told. He knows Harry feels awful about his inability to get pregnant and his insecurities when it comes to that topic. He might not know how dark Harry's thoughts run but at least he gets that. And Harry can feel Louis' heart breaking at the sight of him like this. That only makes him feel guiltier, and so he cries harder and harder, until all he can do is struggle to breathe.
"Shhh little love. You're perfect to me, you know that. I don't wish you were any different. Never have and never will. I love you for who you are H. So so much."
It's times like these in which Harry appears so much tinier than Louis. He's somehow curled himself around the shorter lad, fitting into the crook of his neck. He's got snot and tears all over the both of them but he knows Louis doesn't care and frankly, neither does he.
"And someday we'll get our happy ending. I promise, okay?"
Harry whimpers in reply, sobs slowly dying down to a hiccup. He feels Louis' lips on his forehead, his fingers running through his hair. It calms him down, slowing his heart.
Gently, Louis raises Harry's head to meet his eyes. Harry wants to close them back at the sight of a sad and pained Louis but the older boy doesn't let him. Instead, he clutches at his face, wiping away the tears and snot with delicate fingers. A fresh wave hits Harry and they spill over, but it's okay because Louis' right there to brush them away.
"Oh H... Let me take care of you, sweetie. Please? Want to make you feel good."
Sniffling, Harry slowly nods into Louis' chest. He's hesitant, because he feels so awful about himself right now but he also craves Louis' touch. The older boy doesn't waste any time though, getting straight to it as soon as Harry gives him the okay.
He reaches for the zipper on Harry's new beautiful jacket—now stained with his sadness—and captures his lips in a soft kiss. Harry breathes him in, lets himself be undressed in between more gentle pecks and lingering glances as he tries to relax. He's so tempted to hide away the parts of him Louis reveals with every second but he forces himself not to.
Once Harry's stood bare in front of him, Louis proceeds in following order. He doesn't stop giving Harry his undivided attention through it all, and soon, they're both as naked as the day they were born.
"Good?" Louis ensures and Harry makes a soft noise of agreement in reply before he's ushered into the shower.
The water is lukewarm, just the right amount of pressure. Harry closes his eyes as he lets Louis—who's positioned behind him—wash his hair for him, soaking it wet before shampooing and conditioning it. He concentrates on keeping his mind blank as he's peppered with more kisses and sweet words but it's hard, the smell of strawberries and Louis' sweet touch conflicting with his dark thoughts.
"Relax," Louis whispers when he feels Harry tensing up again.
He squirts a glob of body wash into one hand, the other winding around Harry's waist to pull them flush against one another, so that Harry's back is pressed to his front.
Harry's breath hitches at the movement, but he finds himself melting involuntarily as Louis rubs the soap over his skin, covering every inch of his body while humming a sweet tune.
He shivers when he feels a finger at his hole, gently applying pressure.
And then Louis' breeching him open and he's gasping, gasping for air. His arms grapple for support, one hand grabbing at the wall while the other reaches back to entangle in Louis' hair and pull.
"Lou," he whimpers as the older boy starts moving deliberately inside him, adding a second digit within a minute.
Louis doesn't tease, not this time. He aims straight for Harry's sweet spot, messaging the little gland relentlessly in long slow strokes, until Harry's knees are shaking dangerously and wobbling to the point in which Louis' the only thing holding him up.
"So perfect baby," Louis hums. "Love your body. It's so gorgeous. You're so gorgeous."
The words only increase the tingling in Harry's stomach and he gasps yet again as he succumbs into the pleasure, hips moving back and forth in an attempt to quicken the pace.
"Always take me so well. Such a good boy. The best, actually."
"L—Louis—" Harry twists, back arching in gratification. The air is hot and heavy around him. "I'm gonna—"
"Yeah angel, come for me."
That's all it takes for Harry to cry out, body shuddering as pleasure rips through him. His legs turn into jelly, his head rolling back to rest on Louis' shoulder and grip tightening impossibly on the strands of hair in his hand.
He comes down slowly, the force of his orgasm and the heat from the shower mixing to make his vision misty as Louis loosens his hold around him to finish washing him up, never detaching his lips from Harry's skin during the process.
"Alright?" Louis asks as he wraps him up in a towel and follows suit.
"Mhm," is all Harry can mumble back sleepily, snuggling into Louis' arms. It was easier to ignore his thoughts right now, with his mind so fuzzy from the pleasure he just experienced. He knew it was only a matter of time before the dark voices came back though.
"You're not too tired, are you? Wanted to eat you out."
The admission jolts a weak spark of heat in Harry's stomach and he nods shyly, letting Louis know he's okay with that idea. It's been a while since they did that, and Harry's still craving the feeling of being close to Louis, always is even when he feels like he doesn't deserve him. Because he loves Louis, and he can never not want him.
"No need to be shy, darling. I know you love having my tongue inside of you," Louis smirks teasingly.
Harry whines, blushing in embarrassment. He pouts into Louis' chest, and he knows the older boy is aware of that when he lets out a fond laugh.
"Come on little one. Let's get you to bed."
Picking him up, Louis leads them to the bedroom. He lays Harry out gently, drying them both off before throwing the towels aside and turning to appreciate the beautiful boy beneath him.
Harry's on his back, bare and shivering from the cool air, wet hair splayed around his head like a halo. He's completely vulnerable under Louis' soft gaze and the longer Louis trails his eyes over him, the more self-conscious Harry begins to feel once again.
Because the voices inside his head are telling him how pudgy and ugly he must look, how Louis must be wishing for curves and a cunt, a body capable of holding his baby. It gets worse and worse with every passing second, until Harry's moving to cover his tummy in shame when he notices Louis eyeing it. Immediately, he's stopped with a firm grip to his wrists.
"Don't hide yourself from me," Louis frowns disapprovingly. He moves to cover Harry's body with his, using one hand to keep his wrists pinned to the bed while the other grabs hold of his chin, forcing him to look him in the eyes.
Harry wonders what Louis sees there because his gaze softens even further, sadness filling it. Harry feels tears prick his eyes again and he tries to swallow down the lump in his throat, not wanting to cry once more but knowing he will.
"You're so beautiful H..." Louis whispers, blue eyes shiny. "I really wish you could see that I don't wish you were any different everyday, not just from time to time. I love everything about you."
The tears bubble until Harry can't see through them anymore. He closes his eyes, choking as Louis presses his lips to his forehead.
"'M gonna show you—" Louis mumbles as he pecks Harry's cheeks, nose, chin and finally, mouth. He's so cautious and gentle about it that it only makes Harry more emotional, torn between believing him and the negative voices. "—just how beautiful you are and how much I love love love every single inch of you. I'll do it 'till you believe me and if takes me ten bloody years, then so be it."
Starting with his head, Louis traces the outline of Harry's features, listing and checking them off as he goes with a gentle peck.
"I love your hair, your forehead and your pimples. I love your eyebrows and eyelashes and eyes. I love your little ears and your cheekbones. I love your obscene mouth and chin."
Sucking on the juncture between Harry's right ear and throat—which happens to be his sweet spot—Louis elicits a long moan out of him.
"Love your neck and your collarbones, but especially your sensitive nipples," he continues, trailing down Harry's body to lick at the little hard nubs. He smiles when the younger lad shivers in response.
"I love your positively ridiculous tattoos. I fucking love your love handles and waist. And your tummy—don't fucking get me started on your delicious little tummy."
Biting down gently on his hips, Louis teases the skin around his teeth, only letting go once Harry's squirming in oversensitivity. He traces patterns across Harry's stomach with his tongue, and then he moves down to his feet, trailing kisses back up from his ankles to his thighs.
"I love your little toes and humongous feet. Love your ankles and your legs. And your thighs—fuck baby your thighs."
Sinking his teeth into the thick flesh, Louis ends up marking several spots on Harry's thighs. The younger boy can only wriggle and moan in response, eyes closing with how overwhelmed he feels. Louis hooks his legs over his shoulders before moving to kiss back down his happy trail to where his cock stood on alert.
"And last but definitely not least, I love your cock and your tight little ass," he says as he licks at the crown of Harry's dick. The younger boy squirms involuntarily, heart beating so fast in reaction to Louis' words.
Dropping his dick and lowering his head, Louis spreads Harry open with his two hands. Harry gets the urge to close his eyes and hide away again, shame creeping back into his senses as Louis stares at him unabashedly. He forces himself not to though; Louis' previous words coupled by his warm gaze calming him down a little.
"So pretty," Louis mutters as he leans in and drops a kiss onto Harry's fluttering hole. Harry jolts at the touch, watching as Louis sets to work on eating him out. His toes curl at the slick warm sensation, eyes fluttering shut as Louis licks deeper and deeper.
"Always so good for me, H," Louis pulls away to say, before he's sliding a finger in with his tongue, further stimulating the younger boy.
"Lou!" Harry gasps, legs kicking out. Louis only increases his pace, adding another finger and licking around the two digits. Harry shudders, cock twitching as he peaks closer and closer to his release.
"Please," he whimpers, head rolling side to side in desperation. "Can I come?"
It's a habit for him to ask. He knows he can come as he pleases, doesn't need permission, but it somehow feels wrong to without Louis' approval.
Pulling away, Louis takes a breath, all the while continuing to pump his fingers inside of Harry.
"Of course, flower," he replies, removing his fingers as he reattaches his lips to Harry's hole. He hums against the stretched muscle, sending vibrations through Harry's skin and triggering his orgasm with a mumbled "come for me".
Blinking past the whiteness of his vision, Harry comes about to the sight of Louis licking his come off his chest. Their gazes collide and Louis climbs up, all the while maintaining eye contact. He kisses Harry's mouth open, feeding him his own release. Harry sighs at the familiar gesture, eyes fluttering open when Louis pulls back for a breath.
"Louis," he says quietly then, quite out of nowhere. His voice is shot with the tears he's shed. "I—I'm sorry."
Louis' eyebrows furrow in confusion at his words. He's flushed, the area around his mouth especially red and swollen from working over Harry's butthole. His hair is drying, messy strands strewn about. He's beautiful, and Harry wishes he could give him the world he knows he can't give.
"Sorry for what darling? You didn't do anything wrong."
Harry bites his lips, starts to look anywhere but him. He shrugs, frustrated at himself when he starts tearing up again. He doesn't know how to word his internal turmoil.
"H...baby, you're going to have to talk to me about it eventually..." Louis spurs on cautiously. "That wasn't just a little healthy crying session you had there. That was the outcome of at least a few months' worth of bottled up emotions."
"I know Lou," Harry sighs in irritation. "I know. It's—it's just—"
He takes a deep breath, whispering out his next words.
"I wish it was me," he says into the silence.
"You wish it was you?" Louis repeats, clearly not catching on yet.
"Yeah... I wish it was me you were telling the world you knocked up. I wish I was her because then at least I'd be actually capable of even doing that in the first place," he vomits out.
And suddenly, Harry's angry, all of his strung-out emotions from today bubbling up at once. He wants to scream, yell, throw something. He feels unstable with how much he's feeling and as his eyes land on Louis, he doesn't think twice before he's pushing him off and climbing on top of him.
The older boy yelps, clearly caught off guard and whiplashed from Harry's sudden mood change. He can only watch though as Harry grabs hold of his previously soft cock, pulling at it with skilled quick fingers. He struggles to make sense of what's happening as his mind splits between the pleasure and talking to Harry.
"It's. So. Fucking. Unfair," Harry huffs between clenched teeth. "That baby was supposed to be ours Lou and they just—they fucking took it like everything else they've taken away from us."
And then, just as quickly as he'd flipped Louis around, Harry is clambering to position himself over his cock, legs positioned on either side of him. His self-consciousness is all forgotten as he imburses himself into his anger, throwing his head back as he lowers himself in three harsh strokes onto Louis' cock.
Louis' head rolls back and his toes curl at the sudden pressure. Harry's really tight, having only been lubed up with Louis' saliva and prepped with two fingers. He's helpless to the moan that escapes him, panting harshly as Harry sets to work immediately. He looks so beautiful and fierce like this, fire burning in his eyes as he determinedly rides Louis.
"I fucking hate them," he spits out as he grinds down in little tight figure eights. Louis moves his hands to wrap around his love handles, nails digging into Harry's skin as he lets the younger boy take out his frustration on him. He knows the pain gets Harry going.
"And I fucking hate biology. Why can't I get pregnant, Lou? Why?" he continues in a wail, hips stuttering as everything crashes around him all at once. "It's so fucking unfair."
Slowing down to a stop, Harry breaks out into sobs again, hiding his face in Louis' neck. He's a complete mess, he knows, but this also feels like the end of his breakdown.
"Do you want me to take over or pull out, love?" Louis asks quietly after a few seconds of petting his hair, unsure of what Harry needed right now as his body trembled.
"Don't stop, please," Harry answers through his tears, voice muffled.
Louis complies, flipping them around so that he's hammering down into him, their bodies sliding harshly against the bed sheets. He fucks him with hard fast thrusts at first, Harry's long legs wrapped around his waist, and then slower, punctuating each push with the force he puts behind it.
"Remember," he begins, brushing his lips against Harry's right ear as he whispers. "Back when I promised you that big fancy wedding?"
Harry whimpers, snuggling deeper into Louis. His tears are trickling down to a stop by now, what with him having cried so much today.
"And that white picket fenced house? And that big shiny kitchen where you would cook us breakfast everyday? Hmm? Do you remember?"
"Yes," Harry replies quietly, sniffling. It was three years back when Harry had gone through a similar breakdown from having to go out with yet another beard and seeing Louis go out with his. Louis had fucked him back then too, making a string of promises to Harry about their future in an attempt to reassure and motivate them both.
"And remember how we agreed on having seven kids? Eight so there's no odd one out?"
"Lou," Harry keens as the older boy nestles deep inside him, right against his prostate.
"Do you remember all those plans Harry?"
"Yeah. Course I do," Harry rasps out.
"They're going to happen someday. Maybe not tomorrow but soon. I promised you then and I promise you now. I'm not leaving this Earth before I get to show you off proudly as my husband to the world and we have all the babies we can get."
Harry gasps out as Louis pulls back enough to kiss him on the lips. He's no longer angry, just exhausted and desperate to come. His eyes are puffy and bloodshot from having cried so much and he's a true mess but Louis' never been more in love with him.
"Love you, little one," Louis says before he picks up the pace, sucking bruises into Harry's throat.
And that's all it takes to have Harry coming for the third time, body twitching as his cock splutters out the few drops of come he has left. Louis follows right after, already having been on edge from getting Harry off twice beforehand.
They lie like that for a few moments after, limbs entwined and hearts beating against one another as they try to regain their senses. Gently, Louis moves so that Harry's curled up against his chest, pressing a soft kiss into his hair before he settles back.
"I'm tired, Lou," Harry breaks the silence eventually. He feels Louis take a deep breath beneath him, chest rising and falling. His hands start to brush soothingly through Harry's hair.
"I know H," he sighs sadly. He pauses before he voices his next thought, not wanting to trigger Harry yet again. "I know you're exhausted but can you—can you please finish what you were telling me? About how you feel about all of this? I feel like you left something out..."
Breathing in, Harry nods slowly against Louis' chest. He knows what Louis' talking about and he figures it's time he told him anyways, about how unwanted and disgusting he felt at times.
"Okay so um, sometimes, I feel like you wish that I was different," he starts. He feels Louis tense beneath him and so he hurries onwards, wanting to explain it properly. "Well, it's more like, that you were with someone else who could provide you with biological babies. And like, I don't blame you because you deserve to have that and I'm just always so damn guilty for keeping you away from happiness—"
"Okay, hold on," Louis cuts him off then, having heard enough. "Stop right there, H."
He shifts them then so that they're lying on their sides, facing each other. Harry bites his lips at the look of agitation on Louis' face, feeling guilty for upsetting him with his irrational thoughts. His chest is rising and falling quickly, eyelids fluttering shut as he tightens his hold around Harry.
"Okay, first of all, the fact that you even think I would want to be with anyone but you is so fucking ridiculous that I can't bloody wrap my mind around it."
Half way through that sentence, his eyes open to meet Harry's gaze. He takes the younger boy's face in his hands, looking him dead in the eyes before delivering his next line.
"I love you, Harry Edward Styles," he declares, voice shaking with passion. "And there's nothing and no one in this world that can ever change that."
Harry shivers, goose bumps breaking out all over his skin as his heart races a million miles a minute. He flushes under Louis' gaze, embarrassed and guilty for ever doubting Louis' love for him.
"And—and the fact that you think I hate you for the body you were born in—and that you're keeping me away from happiness? Harry what—no! No. I only wish you could get pregnant because I know how much that would make you happy and it would make me happy too but the fact you can't doesn't change how I feel about you one bit."
Louis shudders then, and somehow, Harry can tell that he's having an insecure moment.
"P—promise me, that next time—no, whenever it happens, I want you to tell me when I make you feel like you don't have my love. Please? And I'm so—I'm so sorry I ever made you feel like that H. If I'd known—"
"No, Lou," Harry protests, because Louis now thinks it's his fault when it's not. "It's not—you don't—it's me that makes me feel like that, not you. You're always so good to me but I have—I get these bad voices in my head sometimes when I'm sad and they make me think of things that aren't true. That's what happened today."
"Still," Louis disagrees. "Next time you feel like this, please let me know right away. Promise me?"
"I promise, I promise," Harry reassures. "Louis, I'm not—I'm not leaving you. Ever. I just—I just don't know how much more of this I can take before I break again," he admits.
"H," Louis breathes out pleadingly. "I get that it's hard but please. We can do this. We've been through too much to give up now."
Harry's heart breaks at how vulnerable and scared Louis sounds. They've had bumps in their relationship before, back when they were younger and it was all too much, but they've always ended up back together because they were HarryandLouis and it was impossible to just not be together.
"I'm not leaving. Ever. Remember?" Harry reminds him, pressing a kiss to Louis' lips. They could do this, he knew they could. "I love you, Lou."
"And I love you, H."