∆ {4⁹} {THE SILENCE THAT FOLLOWS} ∆
ROXI COULD BARELY breathe. She'd been the last out of the room, because she had the best chances of getting out alive. By then, the ash, the dust, the smoke; it had all managed to clog up her already burning throat, and she'd practically collapsed into Natasha's arms when she'd finally managed to get out of the building. She'd been doing that far too much for her liking lately. It wasn't that she didn't like being in Natasha's arms - she very much did - but more so that she didn't like how easily she'd become metaphorically disarmed. Something had made her lose her edge. Maybe it had been the incident in Lagos, maybe it had been the footage that Secretary Ross had showed her (that of herself), or maybe it had even been the arguing that had begun and spread throughout the team so violently since the announcement of the Accords.
She felt weak in a way that she hadn't since 2001 - the year she'd joined SHIELD - and she hated it. She hated that she'd allowed herself to be so close to slipping, especially in such an important situation. She was sitting in the back of an ambulance, waiting for them to clear her so that she could check up on Natasha, who she could see talking to T'Challa. Even with her bad throat, aching lungs, and dried blood that she hadn't cleaned off of her face, she wanted nothing more than to run to the redhead, to pull her into an embrace and ensure her that she was fine, that the world was fine, that everything was going to be okay.
It would be a lie, and both of them knew it, but if it was what they needed to keep them going, then it was going to have to do. She watched Natasha press her phone to her ear, finding herself fiddling with the familiar keyring in one of the redhead's jacket pockets, smiling in the smallest way she could as she ran her fingers over the dented, scratched wood. It smelled faintly of Natasha by now, as well as the smallest pine wood smell that it had managed to retain, even over so many years.
Natasha did come over, after a few minutes on the phone, sitting next to her on the back of the ambulance and resting her head on Roxi's shoulder, linking their hands for what felt like the hundredth time in the past four days. Roxi drew in a deep breath, ignoring the way that the air made her lungs sear with pain.
They sat in a complete hush for a long time. It was a familiar quiet. It's the one that you grieve in, the one that you try to forget in, one that you try to remember in, one that can work wonders on your mind, but can also send it spiralling so harshly that you're never able to get yourself out of the plane wreck. And sometimes, no-one else would be able to pull you out either. The quiet can be a dangerous thing. It was the silence that follows catastrophe, the moment where the entire world takes a moment to catch its breath. Roxi had experienced far too many of them in her lifetime, to the point where they always seemed almost painfully drawn out, put in place to alienate her from everything around her. Of course, she knew that it was partly her mind spiralling in the exact way she didn't need or want it to. What she needed, was to use this time to straighten out her tangled mess of thoughts, especially relating to the Accords.
And then that silence ended, as Natasha let out a small sigh and lifted her head, sliding her hand around Roxi's waist. Roxi leaned into her, not caring about what cameras might be on them as she drifted out of the fugue state of mind.
"I don't know how you keep managing to do it," Natasha admitted quietly, her eyes fixed on the flashing sirens across the road, the air still filled with smoke, blood and the whimpers of the wounded, "You keep saving so many people. Even when nothing was meant to go wrong, you manage to react, and then you do this, where you manage to save so many more lives. But every time, you end up like this. Bleeding, exhausted, and I can see the way that your mind is so conflicted. Roxi, sometimes you need to take a moment for yourself, let someone else handle saving people. Even just one time, Roxi, because you need to let yourself catch up. You need to let yourself clear your mind every once in a while. The world moves so fast, and you somehow, manage to move faster. But it hurts you, and I don't want you to hurt." The last sentence was le tout in a broken whisper, and Roxi couldn't help but feel slightly guilty for the pain and worry she put Natasha, her friends, her family, through.
"Natasha, you told me that I can't save everyone, and.. I think I know that now. But I'm still going to try as hard as I can to save as many people as I can, because every time, I can't help but think of how I would feel if I lost you. And that pain, Natasha, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It's the most horrible thing, and it's not even real. And every person that I don't manage to save, there will be someone, somewhere around the world will feel like that. I wouldn't be able to deal with it, so why should anyone else have to, because I didn't do as much as I could?" Roxi's admission seemed to surprise Natasha for a few seconds as the redhead processed what she'd said. She hadn't told anyone this yet, because it felt far too personal to share. But Natasha, she was different. She would understand, because she knew what it felt like to lose someone you loved.
"Oh, Roxi," Natasha trailed off quietly, having no idea what to say. Instead, she simply brought the ice-eyes woman slightly closer to her and continued to watch the siren as it wailed insatiably, the scent of smoke still heavy in the air. They fell into that silence again, and this time it was so deep, that Roxi could hear Natasha's heartbeat, which was beating slightly faster than normal. Whether it was left over adrenaline, or the impact of Roxi's words, she didn't know, but a sense of protectiveness swelled within her. Whatever happened, whoever it was that was the threat - even one of her own teammates - she would not let them hurt Natasha. She couldn't, and not because of that pain that she was so afraid of, but because the redhead still hadn't truly lived. She hadn't gotten the quiet, calm, peaceful, happy life that she deserved, and Roxi wouldn't stop until she got it, because Natasha needed it more than she knew, and Roxi wouldn't let her not achieve that dream. Whether if it was with her or not, there would be a small, pretty house on the sea with a white picket fence, painted that faint red that Natasha loved so dearly. She was determined of that fact.
Her momentary dreaming determination was interrupted as her phone rang, once, twice, three times, four times, before she picked up, knowing that Natasha was listening even if she wasn't looking at her. She lifted it to her ear, waiting for a familiar voice to filter into her mind.
"Roxi, Cap and Sam found Bucky and got arrested. Get your ass to Berlin, and bring Natasha if you're with her. Things just got to a whole new level of bad." And before anything, Tony hung up, leaving Roxi to frown and stand up quickly, waiting for Natasha to do the same as they walked, trying to find their car in the chaos, so that they could get to the airport. The silence that surrounded them now was thicker, more tense, and Natasha wore a new frown that was almost identical to Roxi's own. It was only when they were actually on the plane when Natasha spoke up.
"You told Tony your name?" She seemed so confused, her face twisting in a cautious intrigue, looking at Roxi, who met her eyes, slightly unsure how to answer. She still didn't want Natasha to know, not until they were sure. They couldn't.
"Well, I figured his guessing game had gone on long enough. It was getting annoying. Besides, I think.. I needed to tell someone else who didn't find out in another way. Just to feel as honest with someone else like I do with you. And while Tony and I didn't get along the greatest, I wanted to change that. I figured we wouldn't as well as we could if that tension was still there. Of course, it doesn't matter now, but it was worth a try, I guess." What she had said was entirely the truth, she'd just missed off part of the explanation. Even though she wasn't lying, she felt guilt creep up on her again with the idea of keeping what they'd found from Natasha.
It was just until they had enough evidence to draw a conclusion, Roxi reminded herself, staring out of the window at the clouds as they descended into the familiar quiet once again.
{A/N:} Yeah, okay, this chapter is hella short. But I felt like if I carried on with everything that happens in Berlin, then this would be REALLY long, and it'd also take me a really long time to write, which doesn't exactly fit my plans at the moment.
Also, yeah. It's a Monday. This is a special update because it's been a year since I've started this book and that is so incredible to me. So thank you guys for your support over the past year, and I hope that you continue to enjoy this book, and that you enjoyed this chapter.
1700 Words
Written: 24 / 04 / 2021
Published: 24 / 05 / 2021