At first, Seokjin's mind went blank—but with his next heartbeat, it swiftly came back to life, reeling with terrifying worst-case scenarios. He didn't know how to respond. All he could manage was a weak, "...What?"
"I almost—"
"No, I heard what you said," Seokjin interrupted Hoseok. He closed his burning eyes. "I'm just...I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around this." He swallowed hard, blinking his eyes open again to look at Hoseok, who was avoiding eye contact, much to Jin's dismay. "You...you almost murdered Yoongi's kidnapper?"
"If it wasn't for Taehyung, I would have done it," Hoseok confessed in a whisper, gripping Taehyung's hand a little tighter. "I had a plan and a weapon and everything. If it weren't for him, I'd probably be behind bars right now."
"Y-you had a weapon?" Jin asked. He didn't know when he had started crying again, but his tears were flowing freely, now, dripping onto his shirt. In an effort to regain his composure, to appear more as the strong partner he knew his dongsaengs needed, he scrubbed his face clean with his wrist. His eyes seemed to have other plans, however, replacing the tears within seconds. "What...what was it? What was your plan? When did this happen?"
Hoseok shrugged, fiddling with the hem of his shorts with the hand that wasn't crushing Taehyung's poor fingers. "It was after Yoongi went into septic shock. It was my turn to keep watch and his parents brought me inside his room—they wanted me to pray with them—and while we were praying, I...decided, I guess?...that the only way to keep everyone safe was to, uh, avenge Yoongi. Even though he wasn't dead, y'know, I thought...I thought he was going to...so I bought a pair of scissors from the gift shop," he said with a small sniffle, and only then did Seokjin realise Hoseok was crying, too.
Every instinct Jin had was telling him to pull Hoseok into his arms and hug him until the younger man either felt better or had no tears left to cry. He refrained, though, because there was a smaller but somehow more powerful voice in the back of his mind that told him that tactile comfort wasn't what Hoseok needed at that moment.
"I found the room in the prison ward," Hoseok continued, "and I was about to do it, but then...I mean, like I said, Taehyungie talked me out of it."
Seokjin didn't miss the way Taehyung looked at Hoseok, as if he were afraid Hoseok was going to snap in two any second, and it broke Jin's heart. Taehyung started to reach out with his free hand and it looked like he was ready to crawl into Hoseok's lap for an impromptu cuddle—as he'd done for Seokjin only moments earlier—but it seemed like Taehyung decided against it at the last moment and he drew his hand back into his lap.
Seokjin found himself mirroring the gesture, planting his palms resolutely on his knees to keep himself contained so he wouldn't do something inappropriate, like pulling Hoseok into his arms and never letting go.
"What, uh...what was it, exactly, that let you to that course of action?" Seokjin asked carefully, not wanting to make Hoseok feel any worse but also needing to know that he didn't intend to try something that extreme again.
These were uncharted waters for everyone, and Seokjin feared just how deep Hoseok had swum. Seokjin, Taehyung, and the others could only do so much to keep Hoseok afloat when they were sinking, too.
"I was, um," Hoseok cleared his throat, "I was really angry with God." The answer almost sounded like a question. Seokjin couldn't blame him. As far as he'd known, Hoseok had always been agnostic, not certain of what higher powers may be or which religion had gotten it right. Hoseok swallowed hard, the apple of his throat bobbing slightly as he did so, causing the tears that were dripping down his neck to sparkle in the soft light of the nearest lamp. "I mean, I still am, but not as much anymore."
"What do you mean?" Seokjin asked.
Hoseok shrugged. "I just...after everything, I couldn't not believe there was something out there making everything happen. People don't just become evil on their own; there have to be opposing forces driving humanity, a good force and an evil force. I couldn't understand why the good force—God, I guess—would let that happen to Yoongi while Daejung was alive and well. And I just thought, 'if God won't do anything about it, then it's up to me because this whole thing was my fault, in the first place,' you know? It...it sounds stupid to say it out loud, but that's why I did it. Or, why I was going to do it, anyway."
Seokjin shook his head. "It wasn't your fault, but it doesn't sound stupid, either," he said, and it was the truth. Seokjin had had all-too-similar thoughts more times than he could count, over the past couple of weeks, whenever he let himself think about what had happened. He was just having immense difficulty believing that Hoseok—one of the sweetest, most even-tempered, least-violent people he knew—could be driven to manslaughter.
"Okay, why are you so calm about this?" Hoseok asked. In one fluid motion, he stood up and began to pace around the room, running his hands through his hair in frustration. "I don't know what kind of reaction I was expecting, but this...this apathy isn't it. I almost killed a man, Jin! You should be scared of me! Or at the very least, disgusted! I came this close," he whirled around and held up his thumb and forefinger so Seokjin could see that they were less than a millimetre from touching, "to murdering someone in cold blood."
"I'm not apathetic," Seokjin defended. "I'm not completely calm, either. But I know you, Hoseokie. I know your heart and mind, maybe better than you know yourself, at this point. And I understand your reasoning. Honestly, I can't say the urge hasn't crossed my mind, too."
Hoseok stopped in his tracks, almost tripping over the coffee table as he whirled around to look Seokjin in the eyes as if searching for any hint that he was lying. "You...you...what?"
"What, you don't think I've thought about killing him?" Seokjin's words came out a mile a minute. He heard his volume rising but he couldn't care; he was beginning to lose control of his temper.
"I-I didn't think you would...I mean, I thought Yoongi and I were the only ones who..." Hoseok stammered.
"You forget, Hoseok," Seokjin interrupted, "that I was the first one into that building when we went to save Yoongi and Jimin. I was the one who cut Yoongi free. I had to pull him away from that man and feel him shaking—he was trembling so badly when I put his clothes back on, it was like he didn't even know the torture had stopped. I had to pick him up and let him bleed all over me because he couldn't stand on his own. I had to hear every sob and gasp because he was in so much pain, he couldn't even properly scream anymore—and don't think I didn't see Jimin, too, tied up and screaming with a voice he didn't have while he had to watch that man literally torturing Yoongi to death. And when Daejung pulled out that gun, I was the one who wasn't holding Yoongi tight enough. I was the one who couldn't pull him back in time to stop him from taking that bullet. That's on me. Do I blame myself for that? Yes. Absolutely. But I blame Daejung more. That man hurt my—my—he hurt my family."
Seokjin's voice cracked when he finally found the right word to describe what the rest of Bangtan were to him. He didn't know whether it was out of anger or sadness or the fear that still lingered weeks after the incident, but then again, it didn't really matter. In such an emotionally charged moment as this, his voice was bound to break at some point. He sucked in a deep lungful of air, panting slightly from the amount of yelling he'd done in just a few short breaths.
Somewhere in the back of his mind, he hoped no one aside from Hoseok and Taehyung had heard him (he'd have preferred to discuss this with the group as a whole, tomorrow, when he would have more self-control and therefore be less likely to let his emotions get the better of him like this, probably frightening Yoongi in the process). But a larger part of him didn't care.
Seokjin was done. Done hiding, done being the strong one, done with grinning and bearing the storm in his mind. So, "Of course I've thought about killing him," he continued. "If I'd gotten the chance, like you did, I don't think I would have stopped for anything or anyone until I'd painted my face with his blood."
"Why didn't you?" Hoseok whispered.
"Honestly?" Seokjin sighed, cradling his head in his hands. "I think the reason I didn't go after him the way you did was that to kill him would be to lose my scapegoat," he explained. "If he was dead, I'd have no one to turn against but myself. So I hate him with everything I've got because the only alternative would be to hate myself just as much and I don't think I could survive that."
"Jin..." Hoseok slowly, maybe even hesitantly made his way over to Seokjin and knelt beside him, swiping a thumb under each of Jin's eyes to catch the rapidly falling tears. "You know it wasn't your fault, right? That Yoongi got shot? It was Daejung's fault, you couldn't have helped it."
"And how can you say that to me when you still blame yourself for leaving the house that day?" Seokjin challenged, his words coming out far more harshly than he'd intended.
Hoseok faltered before he could begin to defend himself, backing up ever-so-slightly, and Seokjin felt his chest physically deflate under the weight of yet another layer of guilt.
"I..." Hoseok wrapped his arms around his stomach, slightly shrinking into himself as he retreated to his previous spot on the floor. "I-I was just...," he started to stutter.
Seokjin wasn't about to let Hoseok apologise for an outburst that wasn't Hoseok's fault, to begin with. Granted, it wasn't entirely Seokjin's fault, either—it was an already adrenalised discussion and emotional exhaustion wasn't helping him maintain a clear head, either (he was pretty sure he'd cried more in the past hour than he'd allowed himself to since Yoongi's discharge from the hospital)—but there was no excuse for snapping at Hoseok in such a moment of vulnerability.
"I know," Seokjin said. He tried not to acknowledge the look of shock still painted across Hoseok's face. He didn't even want to look at Taehyung, fearing he would see some sort of horror at Jin's confession or betrayal for not having brought any of this up when it was Jin's turn to share. "I know. I'm sorry, sweetie. I didn't mean to yell at you."
"It's okay," Hoseok started to forgive him, but Seokjin cut him off.
"It's not okay. There was no excuse to speak to you that way. And I'm sorry for making all of this about myself; I shouldn't have done that, either. But regarding what you said earlier, no," Seokjin continued. "I'm not scared of you. I don't think you're disgusting. And I don't blame you for being angry or even for wanting Daejung dead. Not at all. In fact, I'm proud of you, Hoseokie."
Hoseok looked back up at Jin at last. "For what?"
"For having the restraint to not go through with it. Even if it wasn't entirely your own decision—I know you mostly did it for Taehyung's sake—you still stopped yourself," Seokjin explained. "And I'm proud of you, too, Taehyungie," he added.
"...Are you?" Taehyung asked, his voice cracking high in his throat as he stared at his trembling hands in his lap. It was the first time he'd spoken since Hoseok's confession, and to hear his voice so raw with emotion, sounding so simultaneously doubtful, hopeful, hopeless, and relieved, made Seokjin feel like his heart could burst at any second. There was a hint of something else in Taehyung's tone, too, and when Seokjin realised it was fear, he wanted to throw up.
"Of course I am," Jin said. "I've always been proud of you. Especially now, knowing how much courage and self-control it must have taken to stand up to your dumbass boyfriend and stop him from doing something that would have gotten him in trouble."
"Hey, I didn't actually do it! And I thought you were proud of me," Hoseok said, giggling at the insult in spite of everything. Seokjin looked at him for only a second to give him a small smile before returning his focus to his other, uncharacteristically quiet, boyfriend.
"Baby?" Seokjin said hesitantly. When Taehyung didn't so much as glance up, Jin figured he needed to make it more clear to whom he was speaking. "Tae," he said, consciously softening his tone, "look at me."
Taehyung slowly lifted his head, revealing the reason he'd been hiding his face behind his bangs. His cheeks and forehead were bright red and blotchy from crying, his eyes bloodshot, nose running, and when Taehyung corrected his posture, Seokjin could see that the collar of the boy's shirt was completely drenched in tears.
He'd been crying this whole time and Jin hadn't even noticed.
Seokjin couldn't just leave him like that, so he scooted forward until their knees were touching and placed both hands on Taehyung's shoulders. "Taehyung, I need you to listen to me right now. I need you to hear and understand what I'm saying."
Another tear dripped down Taehyung's cheek and Seokjin reached up to brush it away with the pad of his thumb. He did the same with the next tear that fell, and then the next, and the next, and so on until it seemed like his palms had taken up a permanent residence on the sides of Taehyung's face. Tae peered at him through wet lashes, holding eye contact despite his eyes' non-stop overflow, and Seokjin had to restrain himself from simply kissing the boy's tears away and wrapping him in a blanket burrito.
He had something he needed to say first.
"Taehyungie, I am so, so proud of you, baby. I don't think I could be prouder if I tried. I'm sorry I haven't always done the best job of showing it and appreciating you, but I swear, it's true. God, TaeTae, you're so strong. You're one of the strongest people I've ever met. The way you've always put our needs before your own, the way you've silently helped us for so long, never even asking for recognition for all you've done...I don't think I ever thanked you, but you saved my life."
Seokjin gave up on trying to wipe the tears from Taehyung's cheeks and obstinately ignored the ones trickling down his own face. Instead, he closed his eyes and pressed his forehead against Taehyung's, subconsciously hoping he could communicate his abundant love and reverence via osmosis. He felt Taehyung's shoulders shaking with silent sobs but he chose not to comment on it, mostly because his whole body was trembling just as badly.
"Do you understand what I'm saying to you right now?" he whispered. "You saved my life, literally, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to repay you. If you hadn't gone on a hunger strike when I stopped eating, I might have starved myself to death last year. And the way you stopped Hobi from doing what, deep down, I know you wanted him to do, all because you couldn't bear to see him get in trouble? God, you're incredible. Absolutely incredible. I am so proud and so grateful for everything you do for this family. I don't know where I—or any of us, really—would be without you, Taehyungie."
Seokjin heard a faint sniffle to his right and he pulled back—just for a second—to see Hoseok frantically scrubbing the tears from his eyes with his fingertips, and his heart melted just a little bit more. (Though, at this point, he was sure it was little more than a puddle of goop in his chest.)
"And you, too, Hoseokie," he added. Yet another pang of guilt sparked in his chest when he realised how much Hoseok's inclusion sounded like an afterthought (he meant it, he meant it so much, he needed him to understand that) but Hoseok didn't seem to mind it. Seokjin reached out and tugged Hoseok down to kneel next to him and Taehyung, so that the three of them were crammed together in an awkward triangle with their faces smushed so close together that no one could tell where one person's tears ended and another's began.
"I love you both so much," Seokjin whispered into the crook of someone's neck—the three of them were practically moulded into each other, at this point, so he couldn't tell who it was—and he felt both of them nod in response.
"I love you, too," Hoseok said, his voice so low and raspy from crying that, at first, Seokjin thought it was Taehyung who had spoken. "Both of you. I don't know what I'd do without you here to keep me grounded."
"Me, too," Taehyung agreed, pulling Hoseok and Seokjin even closer to himself (if that was possible). If Tae squeezed him any tighter, Seokjin feared that he may lose his balance and end up on top of the younger boy and crush him with his whole body weight. Then again, that may have been what Taehyung was going for. "I love you so much. I love you. I love you," Tae repeated, hiccoughing every so often as his heart-wrenching sobs began to die down.
After a few moments of relative silence, Seokjin pulled away just enough to have a proper look at his boyfriends. Both their faces were flushed from crying, their breaths still hitching despite the absence of actual tears, their eyes red-rimmed and puffy, their lips bitten and shiny with saliva and, in a few places, pinpricks of blood. But both of them still looked beautiful, and Seokjin couldn't resist the temptation to kiss the lingering frowns off of their faces one by one. When he did, Hoseok showed his signature heart-shaped smile and Taehyung let out an audible giggle, and that was when Seokjin knew it was okay to move on.
"Alright," he said. "Taehyung, it's your turn to share."
Taehyung groaned. "I'm too...tired," he complained, yawning in the middle of the sentence as if to illustrate his point.
"But you haven't gone yet," Hoseok pointed out.
"I think I'll be fine. I'll just share tomorrow with the others."
"Are you sure?" Hoseok and Seokjin asked at the same time, sharing a grin when they realised what they'd done.
"Yeah. I think you two have taken care of everything I was going to say," Tae shyly admitted.
"Alright," Seokjin said again. He stood up and helped Taehyung to his feet, and Tae did the same for Hoseok. "We have cried a lot. Time to rehydrate and go to bed. Water, tea, or a sports drink?" he asked.
"We're not on camera, Jinnie. You can say Gatorade," Hoseok chided.
"No, I can't, because all we have is Powerade," Seokjin retorted, but the lighthearted sassiness he'd put into his tone was cancelled out by the yawn that punctuated his sentence.
"What colour Powerade?" Taehyung asked.
"Hmm..." Seokjin searched the fridge. "Looks like all we've got is red and purple, but we may have some blue in a cupboard somewhere if you like it at room temperature."
Taehyung made a face. "I'll have tea."
"Me, too," Hoseok chuckled. "Here, Jin, why don't you go get ready for bed? I'll make the tea and meet you in the bedroom."
"Are you sure?" Seokjin asked.
"I'm already in my pyjamas. Go on, I'll meet you upstairs."
Seokjin smiled. "Thank you, darling," he said, pecking Hoseok's lips before grabbing Taehyung's hand and heading upstairs. Without even changing into their sleep clothes, they collapsed onto Yoongi's bed and were out like a light before the kettle had the chance to boil.