Hindi ako mapakali sa nalaman ko. It can't be Claude, right? Bakit naman niya gagawin yon?
"Yess," tawag ko sakanya habang nagk-klase
"Hmm?"
"Kaninong pamilya ba ang kinakatakotan dito sa Acacia?"
"Saamin." natatawa niyang sagot.
"Seriously?" umirap ako at bumaling sa harap.
There are many powerful families in Acacia. The Castañedas, Villanuevas, Chavezes, Torralbas, pati Sierras. I want to think it's my cousins who did that but, no. Sinabi niyang hindi ang mga pinsan ko ang may gawa. And Nien's not that aggressive. I want to think it's the Castañedas but they're my cousins too. At hindi naman sila ganon ka overprotective.
This can't be a Villanueva's. Imposible.
"Sierra, Castañeda," biglang nagsalita si Yessenia kaya napatingin ako sakanya pero nasa harap pa din ang atensyon niya, "Ikaw. Your families are both powerful."
See? Hindi nga Villanueva. At kung Villanueva nga, bakit naman gagawin iyon ni Claude? I don't see any reason why he has to be that aggressive in my name.
"And Villanueva, of course." dagdag niya.
Nang lunch time na ay nagkaayaan kami ni Yessenia na umuwi. See? Something's really wrong with her and Nevielle. Nev won't just admit it.
"You sure you don't want to talk about it?" I asked her when she suddenly clung into my arms. She isn't like this. She's not the clingy type and she's irritating me most of the time but right now, she just looks so down.
"Ha?"
I wanted to ask her but when my eyes met Claude's , who just got outside of their room too, my mind immediately drifted off to somewhere. Una siyang umiwas ng tingin. Lagi naman e. He doesn't really care for me. So, why would he do that?
"Hazel." Yessenia called my attention, "Ano nga yung sinabi mo?"
"Wala! Umuwi na tayo."
I invited Yessenia to eat at my place ngunit tinanggihan niya. Mas lalo kong nakukumpira ang hinala ko na hindi sila okay ni Nevielle.
"Nev, is Yessenia okay?" I pretended to know nothing.
Kunot-noo siyang bumaling saakin habang naglalaro sa kanyang cellphone.
"What do you mean?" pabalik-balik ang tingin niya saakin at sa cellphone niya dahil in game sila nina Tyler. Kanina pa ako iniimbitahan na mag ML din daw ako para lima kami pero wala talaga akong interest jan e.
"She doesn't look okay today. Inuwi ko nga siya ngayon eh. Hindi ata maganda ang pakiramdam." I lied again.
God, what am I even doing?
"Oh? Vibes na pala kayo ni Yess?" natatawang sabi ni Nien, "Akala ko ba never ever mong magugustuhan?"
"Inuwi ko lang naman. It doesn't mean I like her now. Nagiging mabait lang ako, duh!"
Nagtawanan sina Nien sa sinabi ko.
"She doesn't like Yess but she's really concern right now." Sabi ni Sullivan na inirapan ko lang
Tumingin ako kay Nevielle na hindi nagsasalita at patuloy na naglalaro. He looks so serious while playing. Wala ba talaga siyang pakealam? Bakit ba ganon ang mga lalaki? Sasabihin sayong gusto ka niya pero mawawalan din naman ng pake kapag gusto mo na din siya? Are we a joke?
I went to the kitchen and ate first. Mukhang malapit na din naman silang matapos. Besides, they eat faster than me.
Hindi nagtagal ay sumunod din sila saakin at kumain. Hindi pa din sila natatahimik tungkol sa naging laro nila ngayon. It appears to me that they lost.
"Invite natin si Yves,"
"Si Jasper din."
Parehong napatingin si Ivan at Nien kay Tyler sa sinabi nito. Tyler didn't notice so he continued to take a seat beside me.
"What?" tinaasan ko sila ng kilay dahil saakin na naman sila tumingin. "They're close." sabay kibit-balikat ko.
"Close din sila ni ate. He was there last week." dagdag ni Tyler.
"How's Aziel?" Nien changed our topic
"He's fine, I guess. Nakalabas na siya ng hospital."
"Naguusap pa din kayo?" tanong ni Sullivan habang nasa pagkain ang atensyon.
"He went to me this morning. He explained things you never tried to tell me." I shrugged.
"What do you mean?" si Tyler
"Warning you is enough. Hindi kana bata." si Nien
"I know."
Alam ko naman na kasalanan ko na yun. Pinagbabawalan na ako nina Nien pero dahil pasaway ako, at laging curious, I didn't listen.
"You know but you still did it."
"And you didn't stop me."
Pero hindi ko lang maintindihan bakit hanggang doon lang ang ginawa nina Nien. If they knew Aziel's been playing around, they could've at least told me what happened between him and Jasper.
"It's because we thought you really like him and we don't want you to get hurt. Pinagsabihan kana namin pero ginawa mo pa din. We can't force you to do things that you don't want to. You know what to do, Hazel."
I can't believe I'm getting scolded by someone who's younger than me. Mas nakakatanda nga ako sakanila, I should look after them but it seems to me like they're the one who's looking after me. Tama si Nev, I really need to act like an ate sometimes.
"Where's Nev?" tanong ko nang mapansing wala si Nevielle.
"I'm guessing he went to check on Yessenia." Sullivan smirked.
Sa susunod na araw ay halos iwan ako ni Tyler dahil sa sobrang late kong nagising.
"Hala, sorry. Nagstudy kasi ako kagabi." I kept walking back and forth across the room while arranging my things.
Paniguradong late na kami nito. Nagtataka nga ako kung bakit hinihintay pa ako ni Tyler eh kapag siya naman ang nahuhuli ay hindi ko siya hinihintay.
"Take your time." aniya bago umupo sa study
My notes are scattered everywhere. A lot of things has happened these days and I feel like this exam is my only chance to be on top. That's why I studied so hard last night.
"Ate, about last week."
"Bakit?" napatingin ako sakanya. Hindi naman siguro nalaman nina Mommy at Dad diba?
"Nakita tayo ni Claude nang sinundo kita sa room niyo diba?"
"Si Claude?" I laughed, bakit ba naman biglang napunta sa usapan namin si Claude. "I'm not sure, bakit?"
"Driver nga nina Claude yung naghatid saatin. Nakita ko kahapon, when you told me to go first. I saw Claude going out of that car." Tyler looks confused.
Pati ako ay naconfuse na din. Was it really Claude's? Kung kina Claude nga, bakit naman kami hinatid ng driver niya e alam niyang Sierra ako? or was he just too kind to offer a ride.
"I'm wondering. Was Claude really your ex?"
I was taken aback at what he said. Bakit ba niya iniisip na ex ko si Claude?
"Pinagsasabi mo?"
"Nagtataka lng ako, if he's really your ex, why did you two break up? Si Kuya Aziel ba talaga yung gusto mo at hindi siya?"
"Ha? What makes you think that way?" Bakit parang ako pa ang may hindi gusto sakanya?
He shrugged. "I don't know. If the rumors are true, I don't think Claude is the problem. I think it's you."
What's making my brother think this way? Alam kong matalino siya, that's why I am getting more confused. Bakit niya iniisip ang mga 'to?
Tumabi ako sakanyang pagkakaupo at hinintay ang sunod niyang sasabihin. Nakatingin siya sa kawalan na para bang ang lalim ng iniisip.
"I really like him for you, ate."
Para akong nakaramdam ng kirot sa kanyang sinabi. He likes Claude for me... Gustong-gusto kong sabihin na gusto ko din siya pero ayaw kong maawa saakin ang kapatid ko nang dahil hindi naman ako gusto ni Claude.
"Even if you're hanging out with Kuya Aziel na, he still care for you."
Ano bang sinasabi ng batang to? Claude still care for me?
"Wait, hindi kita maintindihan. What do you mean he still care for me?"
"I think he asked his driver to follow us, ate. He's always been there for you kaya nga nagtataka ako. Hindi mo ba talaga siya gusto?"
Pinanliitan niya ako ng mata kaya agad akong tumayo para umiwas.
Gusto. Gustong-gusto, but it's not like I can do something about it.
"Hindi niya tayo nakita kaya hindi niya yun ginawa. He never really cared Tyler."
"No, ate. He does. You can ask Nien." giit niya
"At si Nien pa talaga ang tatanongin ko?" I raised my voice out of frustration.
I hate that he wants me to think that Claude likes me! Kasi iyon din ang akala ko dati, yun ang nararamdaman ko dati, pero nasan ba siya nong time na kailangan ko ng makakapitan? Nong time na pakiramdam ko wala ng nandyan para saakin dahil mismong parents ko, ay nawalan ng tiwala saakin. He wasn't there, he just disappeared!
"Binigyan ka niya ng personalized necklace during your birthday and I know you'll say it's normal dahil birthday mo and he's a friend but–"
"What necklace are you talking about?" naguguluhan na din ako.
"Yang palagi mong suot."
"Bigay 'to ni Nien." this doesn't make sense.
"Exactly. Claude asked Nien to give that to you, ate. Do you really think Nien would buy an expensive jewelry for you?"
"Galing 'to kay Claude?" I said in disbelief.
Totoo naman! Hindi naman kasi kapanipaniwala na galing ito kay Claude. He didn't even greet me, and of course I remember dahil tandang-tanda ko pa yung lungkot na naramdaman ko sa araw na iyon just because he didn't greet me.
Tyler nodded.
Hindi ko maintindihan. Why do they have to hide this from me? Bakit hindi man lang sinabi ni Nien na kay Claude yun galing? Nagdrama drama pa ako sakanya na hindi ako binati ni Claude tapos... I can't believe kasabwat niya si Nien. What else could they be hiding too?
"Anong sinabi mo kay Nev?" si Yessenia habang palabas kami ng klase
Huminga ako ng malalim bago hinarap si Yess.
"Okay, I'm sorry. Hindi ko naman intensyon na pagawayin kayo. I just sensed something's off so I told him you don't look okay. Totoo naman, mukha kang hindi kahapon at parang andami mong iniisip. It's just that I made it sound like you're sick. I didn't know he will go to you and—"
Natigil ako nang bigla niya akong niyakap. She's being clingy again. Does that mean something's wrong? What did I do this time? Ano na naman ang maling nasabi ko at mas lalong lumala ang away nila ni Nev? Sabi na nga mas mabuti ng nanahimik ako e!
"Thank you."
"Your welcome?" sagot ko kahit hindi ko alam ang dahilan kung bakit siya nagpapasalamat
So they're okay now?
"Lunch tayo? My treat."
Tatanggihan pa ba pag libre?
Sumama ako kay Yessenia sa canteen. Sa bahay naman kumakain sina Nien kaya may kasama si Tyler. Madaming tao sa canteen lalo na't lunch time kaya paunahan talaga ng table.
"Diyan kana, ako na ang mag order." Yessenia insisted.
Naguguluhan pa din ako. I can't believe my lies worked. Hindi ko alam kung anong pinag-awayan nila ni Nev at kung gaano ito kalala para maging ganito siya kasaya ngayon.
Ginala ko ang paningin ko sa paligid. Wala nga sina Nev dito. It seems like everyone's spending their lunch time here, kami lang ata ang umuuwi. When my eyes landed on a particular person, I didn't hesitate to stand up.
Nagtatakang tumingin saakin si Yessenia nang makita akong wala sa table at ang bag lang ang natira doon. I pointed at Claude's table that made Yessenia's mouth form an "O" shape. She smiled before forming a fist to cheer me up. Tinanguan ko lang ito.
Halatang napatigil si Edwin sa pagkain nang makita akong papalapit sakanila. Claude's back is facing me so he wouldn't see me, lalo na't naka yuko lang siya at mukhang nasa pagkain talaga ang atensyon.
"Hey," bati ko sakanila.
Nagtatakang umangat ng tingin si Claude. His eyes widened in fraction when he saw me standing in front of him.
Edwin casually stood up taking his tray with him probably to give us some privacy.
I saw how Claude sighed before he looked at me.
"What are you doing?"
"No, what are you doing." binalik ko sakanya ang tanong niya.
Tinaasan niya ako ng kilay bago muling ibinaling ang atensyon sa pagkain. Nagpatuloy siya ng pagkain.
Now what are you doing, Hazel? Kita mo kung paano ka tratuhin niyan? It wasn't really him. He never really cared for me. Nagkakamali lang si Tyler.
"May sasabihin ka?" he asked without looking at me
I was going to ask about the necklace pero baka mapahiya lang ako. Baka isipin niyang ang feeling ko naman para isipin ni siya ang nagbigay non at may gana pa talaga akong suotin yun ngayon. Bigla akong napahawak sa kwintas dahilan kung bakit siya napatingin saakin. He frowned when he noticed how I was trying to hide it.
"What's that?"
Umiling ako bago tinago. "Necklace. Bigay ni Nien."
Tumango-tango siya at hindi na nagsalita. Am I the only one who thinks he's mad at me? Okay naman kami, pero pakiramdam ko galit siya saakin simula nong nangyari kay Aziel.
"Claude, I'm sorry." hindi pa din siya umaangat ng tingin, "I'm sorry if I caused you trouble. Kung nadamay ka pa saamin ni Azie—"
"You came here for that?" tinaasan niya ako ng kilay na mas ikinataka ko.
He looks disappointed, right? Am I doing something wrong?
"N-no."
He pursed his lips before slowly nodding, "What were you planning to tell me?"
"It's kind of nonsense but... do you know what happened to Allen months ago?"
I don't know why I suddenly feel like there's a tension forming between us. He leaned on his seat as he tilt his head as if he's studying me. What's with the look? May dumi ba sa mukha ko?
"Wala ka namang kinalaman doon... diba?" I tried to laugh to lighten the atmosphere
Mas lalo akong kinakabahan sa mga titig niya. He's always the first one to look away but this time, I did. Hindi ko kayang suklian ang mga titig niya dahil pakiramdam ko ay nag wawala ang puso ko. Sa kaba at sa kung ano man.
Bumuntong hinga siya bago sumagot. "Meron. I was the one who punched that guy. I don't want to do that, but it was just too satisfying."
Hindi ko alam kung paano niya nasasabi ang mga 'to habang nakatingin saakin. There isn't even a single sign of guilt in his eyes.
"Yung naabot niya? That's just a warm up. I would have done worse if Caleb didn't come."
He smirked. He just smirked! After admitting what he did, he just smirked! He's not ashamed of what he did, he's even proud!
"Claude..." gusto ko siyang sigawan. Andami kong gustong sabihin at itanong sakanya pero yan lang ang lumabas sa bibig ko.
It's as if I am still in shock. Pero hindi ko alam kung saan ako mabibigla. Sa ginawa niyang pagsuntok o sa pag-amin niya ng walang bahid na konsensya man lang ang nararamdaman.
At sa huli ay mas pinili ko pa ding huwag maniwala.
"No you didn't." umiling ako.
"You came here to ask me that but now, you wouldn't even believe me?"
"Ang gulo kasi. Why would you do that?"
Nagkibit-balikat siya bago umayos ng upo. Hinawakan niyang muli ang kutsara't tinidor na para bang kakain na siya.
"Have you eaten your lunch?" he changed the topic
"Claude."
"I can get—"
"I'm with Yessenia." tumingin ako sa table namin kung asan mag-isang nakaupo si Yessenia. Claude followed my gaze.
"You should go to her." he said in a dismissive tone
"Hindi mo pa din ba sasabihin?" I tried again.
I have a hunch, but I don't want to hold onto my hunch. A hunch is as good as nothing. I want him to say it. I want him to give me something to hold onto because I don't want to hold onto nothing.
Hindi siya nagsalita at nagpatuloy ng pagkain.
"Claude, why did you do that?"
"Eat." he offered his sandwich.
"No." itinulak ko pabalik ang sandwich. "There's something you're not telling me, Claude"
He sighed. Walang imik siyang tumayo at naglakad paalis. I can't believe he just walked out. Ignoring, his friends and everyone in the canteen, I followed him. He's dodging my questions.
"Claude." tawag ko nang hindi ito tumitigil sa paglalakad.
Bumuntong-hinga siya na para bang nahihirapan na siyang sumagot sa mga tanong ko.
He faced me. "We shouldn't talk about this, Haze."
"Bakit hindi pwede?"
Ang gulo din kasi niya. His actions and words contradicts. Magkaibang-magkaiba ang mga sinasabi niya sa pinapakita niya.
He looked at me intensely. If I wasn't feeling this frustrated, I might have looked away already. Tinitigan ko siya pabalik. Let's see who'll look away this time.
"Just please," he tightly shut his eyes.
What's going on? Bakit siya nagkakaganyan?
"What, Claude? Bakit hindi mo masagot?"
Umiling siya bago tuloyang lumabas ng canteen. He's really won't answer? Hinabol ko siya kahit na nakalabas na sa canteen. Lumiko siya sa Secret canteen na mas lalong ikinataka ko. Magtatago pa talaga siya? He would go that far just to avoid my question?
Nang nasa harap ng siya ng secret canteen ay tumigil siya sa paglalakad. I saw how his shoulders went up and down before facing me.
"You're really stubborn." aniya
"I am, and I won't stop 'til you give me an answer. Bakit mo yun ginawa? I cried that day because of Allen." diretsahan kong sabi.
He lifted a brow. "Why are you telling me these?"
"Kasi..."
Kaya nga, why am I telling him these? Selfish and wrong, but I know a part of me is hoping that he did that because of me... because he likes me.
"I don't know," nagkibit-balikat ako. "Maybe because I'm hoping you were the same Claude from two years ago."
Nagulat siya sa sinagot ko. Pati ako ay nagulat nga din e. I didn't know I was able to say that straight, at mas lalong hindi ko alam kung bakit ko sinabi iyon.
"But who am I kidding? It's not that, right?" tinawanan ko nalang ang sinasabi ko dahil pakiramdam ko maiiyak na ako.
He looked down before slowly nodding his head, "Yeah, it's not that."
I have to force myself to not blink so that tears won't stop falling. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang masakit. Yung walang kasiguraduhan sa pinanghahawakan, o yung kumpirmado ng wala ka ng kinakapitan?
"Ate,"
It became hard to fight the urge to cry when I saw Tyler, watching. A tear tried to escape, followed by another... and then it started falling. Kinagat ko ang ibabang labi ko para pigilan ang hikbi. Mula peripheral vision ko ay nakita kong umalis si Claude.
"Ate, are you okay?" tanong ni Tyler. Lumapit siya saakin.
Again, it was nothing. There really is nothing to hold on.
Tinanguan ko pa din si Tyler.
Because at the end of the day, I have to stand still. I have to be strong enough to hold myself, because I have nothing, no one to hold on to.
05/05/21 22:22