Stepping into Kane's room this time is different. Earlier today when I had stumbled into the dimly lit room, I had felt at home again.
Now, I feel out of place.
Kane steps in front of me, something resembling a smile tugging at his lips.
"Close your eyes," he murmurs, his hand leaving mine.
I do so despite feeling confused, wondering what it is that Kane has to show me.
But a small sounds gives him away.
My eyes fly open, landing on him lifting Amelia from her crib, sitting at the end of his bed, nestled up to the low-to-the-ground mattress.
I blink, sure my eyes are playing tricks on me, but doing so a handful of times doesn't make Amelia disappear.
"What's she doing here?" I gasp, walking over slowly, despite the desperate desire I feel in my chest to race toward her.
"I couldn't let her out of my sight," Kane's smile—or the start of one—vanishes.
"What if-"
"I couldn't," Kane's voice is thick with emotion.
I don't push him.
"She's all I have left of..." Kane licks his lips, searching my eyes as though he needs my permission to continue.
"Of?"
"Felisha."
I try to ignore the sting of a needle poking at my heart.
"Kane, I know you don't fully trust that I'm who I say I am, but-"
"Can you blame me?"
I close my mouth. I can't blame him for not believing his eyes, let alone believing anything coming out of my mouth.
"What happened while you were in those Cells?"
Kane looks down at Amelia, shaking his head. He's not ready to talk about it. Not fully anyway.
"You know what you did to me in there."
A jolt runs through my body. I thought he was starting to believe me. Afterall, he invited me to sleep in here tonight, and he's allowing me to be around Amelia. If he felt I was such a threat, I can't imagine he'd do either of those things. And still, he's talking to me as though I was in those Cells with him, as though I caused all that pain single-handedly.
All at once, I feel a loss of air. What if I was in those Cells in a sense? What if I did cause that pain? The Government had used a UCP version of Kane to torture me. What would have kept them from doing the same to him?
"I'm going to get Amelia ready for bed," Kane says quietly, and I nod, knowing that's my cue to move onto a new subject. Or just to stop talking altogether, despite the questions burning on my tongue.
Did I hurt you? Did they use me against you?
Instead I ask, "can I borrow something to wear to bed?"
I slip into a t-shirt, relieved to finally be rid of the dress the Government insisted on. Climbing into a pair of sweatpants Kane offered, I synch them up at the waist, allowing myself a look in the mirror. I stopped recognizing the face that peers back a long time ago. She's a face I associate with myself before I was here. She's a face that belongs to a different version of myself. I don't feel like I'm her anymore.
Walking back into Kane's room, I can't help the faint tugging at my lips.
"What're you smiling about?" Kane's question is more serious than his usual light tone.
"I'm happy to be here with you," I sit on the edge of the bed. "I had started to think it wouldn't happen."
Kane nods languidly, and I notice that there's an envelope in his hands.
"What's this?" he asks, passing it to me. I recognize it as the letter Charlie asked me to give to Kane. I had nearly forgotten about it. "It was on the floor."
I clench my teeth. "It's for you."
"Who's it from?"
"Charlie."
I wait for a reaction, but there isn't one. Kane just takes the letter back before setting it down on the bed between us.
Turning down the lights, Kane slides under the covers, his back to me.
"Goodnight Fel," he says, the sound of my nickname warming my chest.
"Goodnight."
I feel my eyelids struggle to open as a faint light draws me from sleep. The sound of crinkling paper meets my ears.
I begin to wonder if it's morning, but when I check the clock by the bed, I see that it's only about an hour after I remember lying down. I don't even know how long I've been asleep. Did I fall asleep right after laying my head on the pillow, or did I toss and turn for some time?
When Kane notices that I'm awake, he closes what I realize now is the letter from Charlie. I note the expression on his face, but struggle to read it. Before too long he's replaced it with a softer look, smiling.
"Did I wake you?"
I shake my head, my eyes landing on the letter now lying limp against Kane's leg.
"What'd it say?" I mumble, sleep still slurring my words.
Kane reaches across the bed, his fingers pushing my hair back from my eyes, his thumb rubbing my cheek. "Nothing," he shrugs, and I know it's a lie.
Kane rarely keeps secrets from me as far as I know, though I've kept plenty from him. Whatever it is that Charlie has written to Kane, he doesn't want me to know about. At least not yet, and I can respect that. However, that doesn't stop curiosity from sprouting.
"I'm sorry," I whisper. The statement applies to so many things that I don't even attempt to preface it. He knows. I'm sorry for all that's happened to him. I'm sorry that I left and tricked him. I'm sorry that everyone has had to leave because of me.
Kane closes his eyes for a moment before opening them again, a sad smile resting lazily against his lips. "It will take me time," he says softly, "but we'll find our way again."
"I think we need to talk about what happened."
He nods, "but for now, let's get some rest. I think we've both earned it."
I push myself up, moving myself closer to him. I watch him, looking to see how he reacts. Earlier all I had done was touch my hand to his arm and he had acted as though I'd struck him.
Now, he looks hesitant, but doesn't pull away when I lay my head on his chest, the soft fabric of his shirt smooth against my cheek.
For a while we both just lie silent, neither of us able to sleep just yet, but soon I notice that Kane's head has lolled to the side and his breathing has evened out.
I sit up for a moment, looking at how calm he looks. It's a rare occurrence. However, even in sleep there are still lines by his mouth, his jaw clenched.
Looking over the foot of the bed I see Amelia in her crib, her eyes wide open. When she sees me, her eyes light up and she begins to coo, waving her hands in the air. Reaching down, I pull her up, holding her to me.
Looking over at Kane, and looking down at Amelia, I feel at home.
We may be on the run, and we may be battered and bruised, but we have each other. And right now, that's all that matters.
I startle awake, noting first that I'm in Kane's room before quickly realizing Amelia is no longer in my arms. The panic settles almost as quickly as it's started when I see Kane on the other side of the room, gently bouncing and rocking her back and forth.
I take deep breathes, knowing more of the panic that's burning in my chest can be attributed to the nightmare I had rather than Amelia's absence. I don't know what exactly happened in the dream aside from the fact that the Agent from the Cells was involved; the one who would pretend to be Kane just to get under my skin.
"Look who's awake," Kane whispers to Amelia, who grabs at his lips as he speaks, her feet kicking lightly with excitement.
"Hey baby girl," I say as Kane walks her over, a smile falling across my lips despite the tremor in my hands and the racing of my heart, "good morning."
Loving the attention, Amelia reaches for me, and Kane sets her on the bed.
I can't help but gasp when she begins to crawl toward me.
"When did she start this?" I ask, laughing as she makes her way toward me.
Kane smiles, though it's a bit obscured by the hand resting at his chin, his pointer finger pressed into his lip, his thumb hooking under his chin as he watches her. "A couple of days ago she took off. She had been rocking on her hands and knees for a while, but that was the first time I saw her crawl," with a small laugh he adds, "and she hasn't stopped since."
As soon as it had come, a switch occurs, and the smile falls from Kane's lips as he looks at me. For a second things had been back to normal; better than normal. But reality always comes back. Reality always wins.
The reality is Kane's still learning to trust me, and I'm working to regain that trust.
"Are you hungry?" Kane asks, and I realize he's speaking to Amelia, not me.
She gurgles and wraps her fingers in my hair.
"I have some mashed fruit in the fridge," Kane explains, "and a bottle I made this morning before she got up. I'll take her and-"
"I can help," I insist.
Kane's mouth forms a perfect line.
"Okay," he seems to think this over, "okay, I'll make us something then while you get her situated."
I nod, but the way Kane's speaking to me hurts. He's not being rude, and yet there's a lack of warmth in his tone that makes each word icy and cold. It's like talking to a mere acquaintance rather than the man I love.
"Thank you," I say, but Kane's already left the room before I finish the statement.
A/N~ Hello Year Movement! Sorry for the long wait on this chapter! I had plans to post this quite a while back, but some life stuff got in the way. I apologize I didn't post this sooner, but hopefully I'll be able to be back on schedule after this! Thank you for your patience :)
Questions:
1.) Are you surprised that Amelia is still there?
2.) What do you think is in the letter from Charlie?
3.) How do you think Kane and Felisha can move forward? What do you think happened in the Cells?
4.) What are you expecting for upcoming chapter and or the end of the book?
5.) Any questions for me?
Until next time!
-Sarah