New Years Eve 11:34 pm ;
"easy there, Jade." Ashton's firm grip tensed against my waist line.
I stumbled on my own two feet as I made a fool out of myself. Ashton and I went outside for a breath of fresh air.
the party was almost getting too crowded, even for us.
but we had to stay until at least midnight came around.
it was one of Michael's parties tonight and he had practically invited all of California.
but ashton and I were being exclusive and wanted to spend the night alone anyways.
and surprisingly I was the one completely wasted, not ashton.
it had almost seemed like the alcohol was unlimited and would not stop being supplied to me. I couldn't even tell you how much I had to drink that night.
we stood outside on the back lounge area. I twirled around and around in my dress, barefooted and a bottle of whine in my grasp.
ashton stood there playfully making fun of me every now and then.
"ashhtonn." I giggled to myself.
"what is it, baby?" he narrowed his eyes at me, bringing a bottle to his lips and taking a swig of the alcohol.
i inched closer towards him so that I was now leaning on his chest. his arm draped around my waist, resting it there to bring me closer to him.
I started poking at his cheeks, moving his lips around with my fingers. I giggled at how silly he looked.
he smirked at me from the side and batted my hands away from his face.
"you are very cute." I spoke through giggles and my words awfully slurred.
he locked his eyes in mine, "you are too."
my eyes were set on his lips as I leaned inwards and sloppily pressed my lips against his. alcohol staining our lips and breath as we messily kissed.
I pulled away and just gazed at him. I took in every inch of that boy.
his curly dirty blonde hair that always fell in his eyes,
his light hazel eyes that captivated me with looks of mystery,
his sharp jawline and incredible bone structure,
and his crooked but so white and still allied teeth,
he was what I thought I wanted.
from the first day of high school it has always been about him.
watching him at Friday night football games in his jersey that fit his muscles so nicely, getting sad as I watched him flirt with other older girls.
and now I finally had him.
but looking at him in this moment, I felt completely lost.
not lost in him exactly, lost in the idea of him.
from day one I had fallen in love with the idea of him. I had fantasize over ashton irwin, the boy everyone wanted to know and be friends with.
but was this what I really wanted?
did I really want a boy who goes to a party each and every weekend? did I want a boy who wants to get in my pants every time we get alone in his house?
I shook my head as I realized I had been staring for too long.
my drunk thoughts were consuming me.
I swallowed, "d-do you like me" I felt hazy and weak as these words slipped from my lips.
he looked a little taken back, "I do like you jade."
I tilted my head to the side, feeling a headache come on, "what I mean is," I let out a drunk hiccup and continued, "do you like where I came from? do you like hearing the stories of my childhood? do you know my fears and my future plans? do you really know me, ashton?"
he let out a nervous laugh, "I think you have had too much to drink." he shook his head and grasped onto the bottle that was held in my hands.
I held my grip on the bottle, not wanting him to take it from me.
I narrowed my eyes at him, "do you like me ashton?" i repeated.
his weak eyes gazed down my body as the wind blew his hair off his face. he didn't speak a word.
he stood himself up a bit straight, "jade I do."
"you do what?" I bit down on my lip, "what are we doing ashton? we aren't dating, we are just some thing to you? what am I to you?" I shook my head, realizing how awful this whole situation was, hearing me say it out loud.
I was in denial this whole time.
I had to constantly remind myself that I liked ashton.
but did I know his favorite color or why he liked how the seasons changed? I didn't know anything about this boy.
"jade," he reached out and grasped hold onto both of my hands, "you're overthinking this all."
I looked down at our connected hands. I shook my heads and pushed him off of me.
I was scared almost.
maybe it was the alcohol talking or maybe I have a point.
ashton began to continue, "I gave up a lot for you, I stopped talking to other girls, all my focus has been on you."
he had a point as well.
before ashton and I had this thing between us, he was hooking up with girls on the daily.
a new day a new girl.
and out of no where he had decided that he wanted me out of all girls.
and to this day I was still confused about that.,
but I know deep down that he would go back to his old ways any day.
"but why?" the wind blew my hair into my face, "why did you pick me?"
he reached out and effortlessly pushed the hair behind my ear, "because I didn't know who you were until I saw you at that one party. you came into my world and crashed it. from the moment I laid eyes on you I knew that I needed to have you, no matter what I had to do."
but for some reason I couldn't believe this. it just didn't make sense.
I shook my head, "but you're ashton irwin! you don't stay committed to girls."
he licked his lips, "look jade," he sounded frustrated, "I really think you should be happy that I have changed."
I let out a sigh, everything felt dizzy.
"so you're telling me that if olivia fell into your arms begging you back, you wouldn't take her?" I crossed my arms over my chest, trying to keep my focus.
he opened his mouth quickly to deny, but only to close it.
he hesitated to answer.
he stood there gazing down at me, the wind blowing as it was picking up.
"I kissed olivia." these words slipped from his alcohol stained lips.
I felt my jaw drop, "when?"
"we had sex jade, this whole time. I have never left her."
these words struck my chest like knives. I felt paralyzed and unable to put together what he had just told me.
it's almost as if all these things I was saying forced him to speak the truth.
I shut my eyes, feeling some tears began to swell in the corners of my eyes.
I didn't want to cry. he didn't deserve my tears.
I kept them closed, "you what?" I needed to hear this again.
"I cheated on you!" ashton tossed his bottle onto the ground, allowing the glass to shatter all over the ground.
I jumped at the loud sound, my eyes bursting open. I cradled myself in my own arms.
a single tear fell from my eye as it burned down my cheek. my lower lip began to quiver causing me to bite down to make it stop.
he continued, "but I like you jade, I liked you, but you're nothing like me. you are an innocent girl and I would destroy you."
his words were painful.
but I wasn't so innocent in this relationship.
I had kissed luke. I cheated on ashton as well.
multiple times.
I swallowed deeply, I couldn't put into words as to how I was feeling.
"goodbye ashton." i shook my head in disbelief and turned myself away from the boy.
I brought my fingertips up to the corners of my eyes and dried away the tears the began to fall.
I looked and felt like a mess.
I kept my head high as I made myself walk away from the boy. I didn't want him anymore. it took all the strength in me to walk away without turning back.
and he didn't fight for me. he stood there and watched me go. without another word.
once I got inside the house, the blasting music struck me with a headache.
11:50 pm
I could barely walk on my feet making my way through the crowds of people.
I clutched onto my stomach as I felt alone and crushed. I didn't know where to go or who to talk to.
I just wanted to go home. but I was so lost and sad. so sad.
"10 minutes everyone!" a voice shouted over the pounding beat.
I felt the walls almost closing in on me as I made my way through i dark room, bodies dancing and pressing against me.
my heart beat was racing and my pulse was pounding. everything was such a blur.
I used the wall next to me to help guide me down the hall.
and then I leaned up against it, realizing that I had no where to go. I was trapped and helpless.
I slowly began to breath in out gasping for air.
loud footsteps inched downed the hallway, getting closer and closer to me.
"jade?" the voice got louder, "holy shit, jade, are you alright?" and then two arms were placed on my shoulders.
my wet eyes fluttered open to see who this was.
it was him.
I blinked heavily almost trying to wake up and believe that luke was really in front of me right now.
I felt almost all of my worries leave my body now since I had him here with me.
he was the only one I wanted to see.,
"I," I couldn't even get my words out, "luke."
and that's when he pulled me into his chest so tight. he hands caressing the back of my head, buried into the crook of his neck.
and I felt safe.
"jade what the fuck happened?" he pulled me close to his face, "are you alright?"
I weakly shook my head, "ashton." this was all I could say.
a look a panic struck his face, "what did he do to you, Jade?"
my lower lip began to shake again as did the rest of my body, "he cheated on me," I swallowed the lump in my throat, "with olivia."
lukes face began blank and emotionlessly.
his grip around my shoulders fell to his sides as he shook his head in disbelief. he looked at me with empty eyes.
he looked hurt.
"56 seconds!" they all shouted,
we both stood there gazing at each other in the dark room.
he let out a sigh, "jade?"
"yes luke?"
"I don't care."
"about olivia and ashton?"
"no, not one bit."
"why?" I shook my head, not quite understanding him.
"because," he started only to be cut off.
"33!"
"because I have you,"
"20!"
"and having you is all I ever need. you're who I want jade." his eyes did not leave mine once.,
"10!"
"I want you luke." these words slurred from my mouth.
"9!"
"you're all I ever wanted, from the first day I met you." I added.
"8!"
we stood there, across from each other in that dark hallway. and for once we understood each other. we were on the same page.,
"7!"
"6!"
"5!"
"4!"
"3!"
"2!"
and he grabbed me and put me in his grasp, his eyes focused on my lips only.
"1!"
one arm draped around my waist and the other cupping my face. his eyes fluttered shut as his lips pressed against mine with force.
my eyes shut instantly as I kissed him back. he was so soft and gentle.
I needed this, I wanted him, and I had him.
finally.
when he pulled away my eyes fluttered open as I gazed up at the towering boy. he looked down at me with a look of relief on his face.
"happy new year, little j." he whispered under his breath.
"happy new year, luke." and I leaned in and kissed him for the first time this year.