Trigger warning: anxiety / agoraphobia / panic attacks
I'd visited Amsterdam a few times, but never with a global superstar's security entourage. They planned out everything meticulously, from the journey to the hotel to the journey to Teddy's café.
Although Mark expressed his concerns around the latter part of the operation, Teddy came up with some bullshit excuse about needing downtime in order to recharge and perform to the best of his ability in interviews.
He also said something about taking himself there without security if Mark didn't comply, and that probably helped.
As predicted, the café was quiet when we arrived. We settled into a dark corner together and chatted away undisturbed. People came and went, but with Teddy's back to the rest of the room, he remained unnoticed.
It was only the two of us for at least an hour, accompanied by a steady stream of drinks, until his phone rang.
LH
"You can get it," I said, picking up my latest mug. "I need to finish this before it goes cold."
It surprised me when he answered it at the table, before I remembered he couldn't exactly pop outside. Not without Mark having a heart attack.
"Hey, Lace."
Within seconds, they were engaging in the banter I'd witnessed at the club, even though I could only hear one side of the conversation. Perhaps my inside knowledge of their relationship gave me a skewed view, but they still seemed very close for a couple who'd broken up.
"Yeah, she's here with me now, actually." Teddy shot me a wink. "You jealous or something?"
He took a sip of his drink as she replied, lips curving upward at whatever she was saying.
"That wasn't a lie. There's nothing going on. We're just friends.... Maybe I wanted some company on my European round robin... You've hardly been lonely, have you?"
This time her laugh carried out of the phone and faded into the space between us.
"And how is TJ?" he asked. "Has he been keeping you occupied in London? ...Hey, I'm only asking... I know how intense you are when in a relationship... You can persuade a guy to do anything, including leave his hometown to shack up with you while you're lonely..."
I'd been so entranced trying to decipher the one-sided conversation that I didn't notice Mark approaching. He tapped Teddy on the shoulder and then sliced a hand across his throat, eyes flicking to the left of the room.
When I followed his gaze, I noticed two teenage girls huddled together a few tables away, staring at Teddy's back. Teddy clocked on, too, swiftly ending the call. His playful expression morphed into something more serious and guarded. Yet when the girls sidled over, the tension in his sharp jaw surrendered to his trademark dimples.
"We're so sorry to bother you," one of them said. "But we literally love you so much. Can we have a selfie?"
"Sure." Teddy's charming smile made even my knees weak. "No bother at all."
Away they snapped, one at a time, then both together. I offered to take a photo for them, and they almost threw the phone at me in their eagerness. After capturing several shots for them, I handed it back.
"Are you two, like, a couple?" one asked, curious eyes darting between Teddy and me.
Teddy chuckled. "She's on my management team. Sorry to disappoint."
The lie spilled from his lips so easily. Either he'd had it planned or lying came naturally to him. Believing the latter would help ease my developing guilty conscience, but my instinct leaned towards the less deceitful option.
We made our excuses shortly after that, stepping out of the café and straight into the car.
"Your management team?" I asked once the doors shut after us.
"Yeah. You didn't mind, did you? Don't want the rumour mill churning and you getting dragged into my speculative chaos."
"If you don't want the rumour mill churning, perhaps you shouldn't have such a loud conversation with Lacey Holland in a public space," Mark said from the front of the car, his voice unimpressed.
"I didn't know they were there!"
Mark shook his head. "You're getting careless, Ed. Helen will have my balls for this."
"They probably didn't even realise it was her I was talking to. And they could only hear my half of the conversation. It'll be fine."
But as we drove back to the hotel, the rumour mill was already churning—in my head.
*
Despite his insistence that it would be fine, Teddy kept a low profile for the remainder of the Amsterdam trip. Maybe he felt guilty, or maybe he'd struck a deal with Mark to avoid Helen finding out, but his security team planned every venture outside the hotel like a military operation.
He also didn't return to my room. Given that the flirty comments hadn't eased up, I assumed that was something he'd been advised against doing until they knew whether the conversation with Lacey would go public.
On the flight from Amsterdam to Madrid, he sat at the front with Mark, playing cards. I'd said I needed to finish my latest blog post, but instead I spent the journey editing and revising my second article, making small tweaks to ensure it read like the information had come from an eavesdropping fan rather than someone who actually understood the situation.
Originally, the plan had been to drop true stories to the media. But the longer I spent with Teddy, the more I realised it would be impossible to do that without it being obvious that I was behind it. He was too careful, and I still hadn't signed the NDA.
As much as I hated to admit it, a part of me also wanted to avoid anything too private or scandalous out of loyalty to him. Or at least loyalty to myself. We had something good going on—whether that be friendship, sexual or romantic—and I didn't want to screw it up.
Nevertheless, my loyalty towards Becca should outweigh all of that. We had years of friendship compared to the mere weeks I'd known Teddy, and after how much she'd proven her support with me, I needed to pay it back.
So I continued with the plan, but I was more careful than ever.
*
A few hours later, Teddy's attempt at a low profile disintegrated in front of us. Despite picking a hotel where the car could drop us off at the side entrance, emergency road works blocked off most of the surrounding streets. We had no choice but to walk.
"We'll try to form a bubble around you," Mark said as the car pulled up to the curb. "But we can't make it too obvious that we're shielding a person otherwise that will draw more attention to you."
"It's cool. If we get noticed, I'd rather just deal with it than try to avoid it."
"Escape word?" Mark asked. "The usual?"
Teddy nodded, but I leaned forwards. "Sorry, what's the escape word?"
"If it gets too much, I say the word shattered. Mark then moves the fans away. I rarely use it, though. I find it's easier to give them what they want, rather than try to wrestle through crowds."
"Ready?" Mark's eyes swung between the two of us before nodding at his colleague.
We made it thirty metres down the street in our bubble before a cry of Dios Mío! pierced through the hum of traffic and chatter, echoing off the tall buildings. Within seconds, the crowd formed. Screeching girls circled us, phones thrust in Teddy's face, hands reaching out to touch him.
At no point did Teddy show any discomfort. He smiled, posed for selfies, answered questions, scribbled his signature across skin and shirts. More and more people flocked over, curious to see what had attracted such interest. To begin with, Teddy's smooth and friendly attitude towards his fans captivated me, reminding me of the first time we'd met.
As I shifted my attention to the crowd, though, the fear set in. I was surrounded. People pushing me from behind, shoving me to the side. My feet were trampled, crushed beneath trainers, flip-flops, and sandals. My bare forearms caught scratches from fingers attempting to feel Teddy, from hands determined to pull me out of their path. One person even yanked at my hair, and another called me a greedy bitch for not moving away.
If I'd been able to move, I would have done. But I couldn't. A swarm of bodies trapped me. I spun my head from left to right, desperate to find a crack in the crowd that I could escape through. Only darkness. Not a slither of light to indicate a path out of the mob.
My pounding heart stole the energy from my body, my throat tightening and my breath shortening. The more I gasped for air, the less oxygen seemed to enter my lungs. I closed my eyes, trying to block it all out and calm my racing heart. These girls were probably too focused on Teddy to witness my reaction to the situation, but I still didn't want to break down in the middle of a crowd. A crowd who might just exploit the weakness to scramble in front of me.
A particularly firm hand grasped my upper arm, this one with the intention of holding onto me rather than pulling me aside. In my haze of panic, I registered the familiar watch and the initialled cufflinks, and my eyes followed the length of the shirt sleeve upwards until they landed on Mark's face. The majority of his attention didn't leave Teddy, but his vice grip kept me upright.
Another eager fan barrelled into my side, crushing me against Mark, the hard muscle of his body providing a brief shield from the crowd.
"Wait your turn." The vibration of his chest beneath my head was the only indication that the words came from Mark, his voice drowned out by the piercing screams.
And then another voice. A different one. Calm, smooth, yet loud above the noise engulfing us.
"Guys, it's so lovely to see you all, but I'm shattered after my flight and really need some rest. Thanks so much for the love..."
Teddy's words faded away as I was hauled out of the thick crowd to be met by space and air and light.
"Keep walking, Sophia."
"Deep breaths, Soph. Think of Costa Rica."
"One step after another. Watch your feet."
The atmosphere changed again, air conditioning blanketing my body. Not people. Not noise. I took a deep breath and allowed my eyes to focus on my surroundings.
A hotel lobby. White marble floors. Gold columns. Fountain in the middle. Black sofas.
The pressure left my arm, replaced by a gentler hand on my lower back.
"Get out of here before you're spotted. Far lift. Top floor. Don't talk to anyone."
As my senses started to return to normal, I recognised Teddy's familiar aftershave. He led me across the lobby and jabbed the lift button. The second the doors opened, he guided me inside and eased me to the floor.
"How you feeling?"
"Crowds."
That was all I could manage to say as the lift began to move. I leaned my head back against the cool, metallic wall and sucked in air.
"I know. God, Soph, I'm so sorry. It didn't even occur to me that..."
"Not your fault."
A ping chimed, and I heard Teddy shuffle across the floor. When I opened my eyes, he was sitting in the doorway, blocking the doors from shutting. A contrast to the easy-going, smiley persona he'd played minutes earlier, his arms wrapped around his knees, his blue eyes swimming with worry as he stared at me.
"It is my fault. I didn't even notice. I didn't even think—"
"Ed, it's fine. I just need a few minutes to pull myself together."
"Can I talk or do you want silence?"
"Talking's fine." I breathed in for a count of five, then breathed out.
"Spending time with you makes me feel like a regular person, and I value that so much. But this other part of my life—the crowds, the screaming, the pushing—has been the norm for such a long time that I forget it isn't normal for you. That these two parts of my life are different for a reason."
How could a guy be so thoughtful with one person but so callous with another? Perhaps I got special treatment for being his friend, but that shouldn't matter. It was human decency. Having a conscience. It didn't make sense.
"I'll be okay," I said, clutching onto the metal rail to pull myself to my feet. "I just want some time alone in my room."
"Of course," Teddy replied, his voice soft. "Want me to knock when it's time to eat?"
"Just text me. I'll see if I'm up to it."
He looked like he wanted to say something more but instead settled on, "Okay. No worries."
In my room, I kicked off my shoes and stripped to my underwear. My head felt numb, yet the tears fell. Climbing under the covers, I buried my face in the pillow and cried, cried, cried.
***
Thank you for reading :) xx
***
Quite a short visit to Amsterdam, but the upcoming Madrid chapters are some of my favourites. I had such fun writing them, so I think (hope!) you'll all enjoy reading them too... ;)