WHEN we get out of bed, sometimes we think to ourselves that hopefully today is a good day, that maybe today would be better than yesterday. I sometimes think we need to remind ourselves that every day won't be like the flowers in the field and like the wind running through it. We need to remind ourselves that we should live like a rose in a graveyard—that everything around us is so dull and crumpled, but we're still pushing through it, making our way till the very end.
I pushed myself off my bed as I swung my legs from beneath the warm comforters to the carpeted floor—shuffling my feet into my slippers as my eyes stared at my hands, the black linings had disappeared over the past few days, the reason I believe is that I had accepted it, it sounds terribly confusing, but it's like I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath in, feeling a rush of blood through my body as the marks had completely disappeared.
I haven't let myself think of it too much as I clipped my hair to the back of my head and forced myself into the single lavatory in my room—the coldness of the room making me shiver as I harshly rubbed the sides of my arms muttering to myself about how I hated mornings.
But today was going to be different, today is the day we've been waiting for, and it's finally here. I brushed my teeth as I thought about the fact that my mother was going to be here, watching me for the very first time. She had never shown up at any of my other events, since she was too occupied with my other siblings, as always, but I didn't let that impact me or my performance.
"You got this," I mumbled to myself, staring into my eyes in the mirror in front of me, breathing in. "Today will be good," I talked to myself as I walked into my dorm, opening up the door to my clothing as I stared at the selection of dresses my mother had sent over—my mother and I had never properly gone along, but I wouldn't lie that she never held back on showing the best to others.
I never understood why she cared so much about what others wanted or thought about, they aren't us, just like we aren't them. Life is too short to have such big meanings over these things.
My eyes peered over the three different dresses she had mailed me this past weekend, all of these equally beautiful and jaw-dropping—the elegance in each of the dresses made me smile.
The first was a beautiful celadon dress, thin straps following from its shoulder going down to my shoulder blades as it went to my lower back in a zigzag pattern. The dress flowed down in a silk material below as on top it was dressed with a mosquito net fabric covering the rest of the flowing dress as the waist area had a stunning diamond covering going all around it.
The other two dresses were in colors of periwinkle and royal blue as my eyes stayed on the celadon dress. Pulling the dress out, as I held it by the triangular hanger—placing it on myself as I looked in the mirror, the color of the dress complimenting my tanned skin as it went well with my green eyes. The darkness of my hair pulled everything together into this exquisite lady of the darkness, reading to conquer all—just like in the fantasy books I've read.
"Hey there," a dainty voice came from my door as Amelia had her arms cross, leaning against the door frame as she smiled. "Are you ready for today?"
"I don't think anyone could ever be ready for anything," I breathed, "but that doesn't mean I can pause time, so you tell me if you're prepared."
"I'm always prepared," she bit her bottom lip as she walked forward, "don't hate me for this, but I—"
"You misplaced your dress?" I questioned as her mouth parted. "Amelia, how does one do that?" I turned around opening the doors of my closet, "here I have these two dresses you can use for tonight—"
"Evelyn—"
"No, trust me it's okay, you can borrow this—"
"Evelyn I dropped out of the competition last week," she almost shouted, "please don't be mad, I know we—"
"So everyone is doing this but me," jealousy raved through me as I laughed, "I'm not mad Amelia, you look scared."
"No, what—I'm not scared, I'm just intrigued," she muttered, blowing her hair off of her face as she sat on the edge of my bed, "I wasn't scared, I was just concerned well maybe I was a little terrified because I don't know—I mean I know you've been with a shitty partner, well no that's not an excuse I mean—all I'm saying is just I don't know, I feel like words are blurting out of my mouth."
She looked at me for a second as I blinked, then we burst into laughter as she tumbled to the floor, laying on the carpet. "Join me," she gestured as I bent down to lay next to her on the carpeted floor. "This feels cozy."
"Hey do you guys knew where the—what the fuck are you guys doing?" Bonnie asked as her brow was raised, lips parted in confusion as she stood by the door. "Is this done sort of free therapy because count me in," she shrugged her shoulders as she laid between me and Amelia on the carpeted floor.
"This just got cozier," Amelia mumbled as she closed her eyes, taking a deep breath in. "Is this what peace feels like?"
"There's no such thing as peace when you're at Hogwarts because—"
"Evelyn have you see Bonnie because she left me a blue fucking tie, I don't like the color blue and Blaise keeps harassing me about it and what the hell are you guys doing on the floor?" Theodore stood by the door as I raised my head to look at him.
"Free therapy Theodore," I gestured to him to lay down, as I patted on the carpeted floor next to me.
"I hate it when people say Theodore—"
"Just lay down."
He lays down, mumbling something to himself in some angry British noises as he thuds against the floor. "Now what?"
"Just shush," Amelia muttered, putting a finger against her lips.
"Have you guys seen Theodore because I'm pretty sure he stole—what on earth—" Blaise lowered his voice as his lips moved, but no words came out.
"I swear on my dead grandmother if one more person walks through that door and disturbs this I will raise hellfire—"
"I don't think your dead grandmother deserves that—"
"Oh shut it, Theodore," she giggled.
"I just said don't call me Theodore—"
"I don't really care—"
"Oh for Merlin's sake," Bonnie breathed.
"So do I just lay down with you guys? Is that what we're doing?" Blaise questioned as he struggled to move around as he sat on the floor.
"It's Theo, just Theo," he corrected us.
"I thought I'd find you guys here," his familiar voice, richness in the tone of it as he leaned against the frame of the door—his arms crossed, that insufferable smirk on his face as he watched us lay on the carpeted floor of my dorm.
"Like I said there's no such as peace in Hogwarts—"
"Does this mean you'll drag your dead grandmother now—" Theo laughed as he tumbled over to the other side of the floor.
"Oh shut it," Amelia groaned as she pushed herself off the ground, hoisting herself up on her elbows as she stared at the door. "What do you want? If you need Eve—"
"Okay, out everyone, I need to get ready," my eyes peered over at Amelia as she smirked, immediately pressing her lips into a thin line—pushing her hair behind her ear. Blaise and Theodore lifted themselves off the floor as Amelia snickered about something with Bonnie.
I pushed them out of the room as he stood by the door frame, "do you need something?"
He crooked his head to the side—showing more of his neck as my eyes pried over to the exposed skin, looking immediately away as I moved the door to shut it. His hand grabbed the side of the door as he stopped it from closing fully, "you're insufferable, did you know that?"
"Feelings mutual darling," he pushed open the door, walking in, "although," his eyes peered over my body, as I wore a thin silk robe around my body, my bare thighs exposed as his eyes—sinful eyes—did not hesitate to take a look, "thought I'd inform about the evening reception we have to attend in an hour."
"I greatly appreciate your gesture of kindness Malfoy," I walked over to him, placing my hand over his chest, pushing him back, "you can leave now." His eyes traveled slowly down as I felt my hand over his thin white shirt—the thought of running my hands through his chest and down.
His hand wrapped around my wrist, "ten galleons for the trip you just took in your head," he leaned in whispering against my ear as his grey eyes dragged out slowly—memorizing every inch of my face as I felt his breath fan over my cheeks.
The proximity of his face to mine, as my eyes peered down at his lips over and over again, he made my skin feel like it was on fire as he touched it, barely.
I leaned forward, my lips almost hovering against his as a smirk quivered—my lips nearly brushing against his jaw, "I'll take twenty galleons for the trip you just took," whispering in his ear as his back was pressed against the frame of the door, leaning back as if any one of us took a step forward, we'd kiss.
"I hope you're aware of how much I hate your presence here," a faint whisper as my chest rose up and down, my hand on his chest as I drew it slowly down, pushing him away as my heart wanted to draw him closer, and I hated myself much more for it than I hated him. "Oh really?"
"Yeah," I spoke as I pushed him backward, slamming the door in his face.
|
"We were supposed to be at the damn reception an hour ago," Bonnie breathed, "the reception was an hour, we're fucked."
"Well, we'll just say we weren't notified," I mumbled as we tried to make our way to the back of the ball of the main hall where people were entering.
Everything was glamorous as Bonnie and I took a peak, this was something that was actually very serious, a dance competition. I tried not to think of it as something highly important because when I did, I would stress about it twice as much as lose my confidence.
People were dressed up elegantly, their dresses flowing as men accompanied them by their side. Bouquet of flowers in their hands as they greet different families one by one, shaking their hands, sharing a couple of laughs as waiters are serving champagne.
My eyes wandered around the crowd as I searched for my mother, maybe my father as well, I didn't have high hopes of him coming. My father never really showed up to any of my celebrations, awards, or just anything related to me in general, he was always absent, yet I still held out hope, but the thing about hope is, that it's a bitch—a coin toss, the weather, changing up and never being a reliable source.
My hand clasped over my necklace as support, I would always slightly tug on my necklace when I was nervous or trace the shell of my ear to feel less anxious. I began tracing the patterns of the necklace as my eyes wandered over the crowd, hiding behind a pillar as I watched them have fun, enjoying each other, being carefree.
"Okay it's clear, let's walk in from the back door before we see any more people," Bonnie quickly mumbled as she took my hand, dragging me over to the door as she pushed it open. We walked up the long marble stairs as the top piece of our heels clinked against the stone.
It was astonishing seeing as the lights were bright and dimmed at the same time, going around the pole of the room as everyone paced around, drinking water to make themselves feel less nervous. Some were practicing a few steps as Bonnie gave my hand a squeeze before going to Theodore to run over a few steps.
My eyes grazed around the room to look for McLaggen, but I couldn't seem to find him as I told myself that he was probably running late and was going to be here any minute. I bunched up my dress in my hand, picking it up as I made my way to the vanity mirror, adjusting my hair a little as I moved it around to the way it suited me—pushing a few pins in as I settled it.
I looked in the mirror as my eyes analyzed my dress slowly, liking the way it hugged my waist, the color of the dress complimenting my skin as it appreciated the slight curves of my body. The slit running down my right leg as the silk felt like heaven against my skin.
I watched as Ginny and Dean laughed with each other as Hannah and the Patil twins chimed in, completely relaxed as I felt my heart beating out of my chest, I felt like I was going to explode.
Time passed as the first group of partners were called in, cheers of the crowds were loud as they echoed up to our waiting room, my heels clicking against the floor as I waited for McLaggen, even sending Amelia to go look for him, but he was nowhere to be found.
"For fucks sake where is he?" I asked as Amelia peered around the corridor of the hallway, pushing me in the room to keep the guests from seeing me as her lavender scent perfume engulfed my senses.
"Can you try not to push me and the door right now, I'm trying my very best to find him," she spoke, keeping her hand on my shoulder—almost shoving me away from the door. "Your name is about to be called out Evelyn, you're going to have to do this another way or by yourself probably."
"My mother is going to kill me—and I'm eliminated from the damn competition anyway so do I really have to perform? Can't I just go eat the really delicious French Fries they're serving downstairs?" I huffed—backing away from the door as I sat on the black marble stairs. "This is—frustrating."
"Okay," Amelia turned around, grabbing my arm, "you need to go represent your damn self out there and not let McLaggen ruin that for you—"
"I can't just perform a two-person dance by myself—"
"I'll figure it out Evelyn, just go stand near the doors and walk down the stairs," she breathed, pulling me upstairs, "You got this, I promise."
I shook my head as she wrapped her arms around me, hugging me tightly as she whispered in my ear, telling me how it will be all fine and that I have to just push through this right and the rest will be dealt with later.
I stood in front of the double doors, waiting for them to open, so the guests could see my entrance, my hands shaking as every organ in my body twisting from the anxious feeling that wouldn't dissolve in me.
There was complete silence for a minute as I stood in the dark-squared box—the doors beginning to open.
The light of the hall shone upon my face as hundreds of people had their eyes on me, watching my every step, breath, every move as I took a step forward onto the beginning of the platform.
I felt someone's arm interlock around mine as I thanked the universe for a split second as my head turned.
"About time you showed up—you?" My lips parted as I looked at him, a smug look on his face, the corners of his mouth slightly tugged up. He's wearing a black turtleneck sweater, his blazer black—along with black pants as his hair neatly styled.
He almost looked so fragile, like glass, every structure from his cheeks to his nose to the shape of his lips, everything about him was so exquisite as if the universe had molded him itself. Then his eyes met mine, it's like everything around me had paused, all the anxiousness had disappeared, and it was just the two of us—his eyes filled with everlasting fire, secrets that were yet to be told and him.
Then suddenly I cannot breathe, everything around me feels to tighten, the thought of everyone seeing us together—but that wasn't the main reason, I could've cared less for what they thought, but I was aware my mother was in the crowd.
Also, as you know my personal connections with the Malfoy's will no longer continue because of reasons I cannot state in this letter though I'd suggest you carry on with your hatred towards him, the only good thing you've done that has made me proud.
"Do you trust me?" He asked as I blinked at him—confusion painting my face as he tugged me a little closer. I couldn't decide if I wanted to look at him or think about the fact what my mother is probably thinking right now, seeing us like this.
"I do," I mumbled as I shook my head, a faint smile on his face as he looked forward. He was basically doing all the work as I couldn't take my eyes off of him, everything about his was as memorizing as forever, he was one confusing being—so was I—how we go from wanting to probably slit each other's throat to taking each other in our arms because we're suffering from the nightmares of our past—how does one explain this to another?
Some things just can't be explained.
Some things don't need justification.
Some things don't need to be approved by others to matter.
"I must say, you look especially hideous tonight," I say as he's taken my hand to the middle of the floor, every single eye on us.
"Well, only worse for you, little witch," a snarl-like tone, his hand on my hip as the other interlocked with mine.
"I suppose you must think of me often then if that's the case." The corners of his mouth tugged up, his grip tightened on my waist, giving an impassioned glare that made my heart skip a beat or two.
"Wouldn't you want to know?" The violins soar higher.
"Careful," I mutter as he lifts me up, both of his hands fastened on my waist, his eyes interlocked with mine as he slowly brings me down.
"Such little faith in me, witch," he drawls, I resist the urge to roll my eyes, men such egotistical pricks.
"People are watching us, wouldn't want to give a bad first impression."
"Really? I had no idea, how will I ever survive?" He twirls me around, as he pulls me closer, moving from the routine we had practiced once. "You wouldn't have survived this without me."
"Has anyone told you that you're very charming? Have such a way with words."
"All the time." He smirked.
"Try not to step on my shoe," I advise as he turns his head to the side, suppressing a small smile.
"I won't have to if you give me enough space," he mumbles, his thumb stroking my hip. "But you know what they say, keep your friends close, and your enemies closer." He gripped my waist tighter.
"You could've left me to face the embarrassment. Why did you stay—or even help ?" I asked as his hands interlocked with mine again.
"My every move does not have a purpose but even if it did, telling you what would ruin the fun of it," he spoke as a slight smirk appeared across his face, leaving me completely confused but intrigued by his motives.
"You never do anything without a purpose, after all, that's what makes you, you," I said as the room filled with more people joining the guests as he danced with me, not betraying eye contact.
"If I told you, then the games would be over, and I love a good chase." He twirled me around, and I collided back with him, harder.
"You don't even know how to dance properly. The least you could've done is take some lessons before you went on with your motives," I groaned, jokingly, as he chuckled underneath his breath—the thought of wanting to stab a dagger through his heart didn't sound so bad right now.
"Don't step on my shoe."
He narrowed his eyes at me, as we danced.
"You're being dramatic and unnecessary. I did not step on your shoe," he called me out as I straightened my back, a slight arch as our chests brushed against each other.
"I am not being dramatic, wouldn't want to steal your personality now do I?"
"Charming."
"So I've heard." His eyes darkened, a smirk plastering in his lips, as his arm was snaking around my waist, pulling me around and dipping me low, my head thrown back gracefully.
This was the moment I've been waiting for the last month, the dance, to see who wins, to see how each and every single thing plays out. I had conversations memorized in my head out with people—hoping they would go along with my script—well the one in my head.
It was quite daring to be waltzing around with the person I'd pick last in anything, but for some odd reason that had begun to change and neither of us had realized it nor still do, we run away from things that make us feel, because we're scared, we're terrified of what's to come and what could possibly happen.
We're scared of reality, so we stay behind closed doors and let life pass, missing out on all the precious moments, fair shares of kisses and memories that will forever live on, words that will never die.
His hand behind my head as I faced him, his other hand around my waist as my arm was around his neck as the other rested on his forearm. We stared at each other for quite a bit, the color of his eyes, his pupils dilating, memorizing every feature, he was like a beautiful sketch.
My eyes flickering down to his lips as I looked back up at him, my breath stuck in my throat as people cheering were coming from all sides, loud shouts and claps as my attention were just on him, "have other intentions, witch?"
"You're so full of yourself."
"For valid reasons." Confetti's on all sides of the room, popping out as we were the last dance of the competition, my eyes searching the crowd as I saw my mother—her eyes glaring at me as I gulped. This night wasn't going to end the way I had intended it would.
"You did so well, love," Amelia came out cheering as Bonnie was right behind her, "watching you guys dance was just beautiful."
"I kept shaking during it, Theodore had to squeeze my hands to keep me at a calm pace," Bonnie said as they shared a couple of laughs, "though I thought your partner was McLaggen, Evelyn, sudden change in men?"
"He was nowhere to be found," I groaned, "I was about to perform myself when he popped up, I couldn't push him away, better to let him help me than let myself do it alone at that time."
"Well they're about to announce the winners in five, so drink up some water because I'm about to go down on that floor tonight, maybe with someone." She winked as she walked away, patting on each other's back.
"Wait Amelia, where's your Slytherin bracelet, I thought we were going to wear it together?" Bonnie questioned as my eyes dragged up at her. "Oh, I left it in—uh—in my room. I believe so, we'll match tomorrow."
"Bracelets? Is that from the day you went to Hogsmeade?" I questioned as my thoughts raced about a similar bracelet I had seen just a couple of days ago. "Yeah, we were supposed to shoot an arrow at the target, and win either a fish or a two-piece bracelet, I am not capable of taking care of a fish, so I picked the second option..."
My thoughts drifted to Hermione, the Slytherin bracelet around her wrist, her Amortentia smelling of hidocate, which is the lavender scent Amelia wears every day, hairspray, and the fact Amelia loves eating cooked eggs. My thoughts went back and forth like a calculation when I realized Amelia had been reading Hogwarts: A History quite a few times over and over again this past month, which was Hermionie's favorite book.
"...and well that's about it, I'm going to catch up with Blaise." She patted her palm on my cheek as I turned to my mother who was signaling me to meet her outside.
This wasn't good.
I walked through the crowd of people, pushing my way through, the corridor was silent, quiet, and peaceful—just the way I liked my nights.
"Mother, I wasn't expecting to see you tonight—"
"Evelyn, I've raised you since you were a kid, have taught you nothing but the best, and made sure you had everything you needed to be the best so why do you go out of your way and embarrass me?"
"I don't know what you're talking about, I have taken part and done everything you've wanted me to, I don't understand."
"Competing with the Malfoy boy? When I specifically told you to stay away from him and his family? I had found a way to set you up with McLaggen, yet you tried to defy me and picked him? I thought you hated the boy? Or did you do this because you love embarrassing your mother?"
"No—I didn't mean to, mother McLaggan didn't show up," I swallowed the thick air in my throat as I held back tears from falling—I wasn't a sensitive person but whenever it came to her and the way she spoke to me and of me, I couldn't help but sob like a two-year girl, her words hurt because they had mattered so much to me, I needed her validation because that's all I've tried to achieve by putting my happiness constantly aside over and over again.
"I don't know want you hear your half apologies, McLaggen cannot disappear, his family is well respected and very responsible, this is probably one of your tricks, just like the one from the party," she expressed, putting the palm of her hand on her forehead as her dress shined from the flickering lights. "You've done nothing but embarrass me, Evelyn, you've done nothing but try to bring the name down of this family, do you think any man would try to wed you when you're so disrespectful?"
"I don't want to get married, mother and besides I didn't pick my partner if you would just listen to me and understand that McLaggen didn't show up."
"Evelyn, if you want to be the whore you are, why don't you just go right now and get into bed with the boy? Why don't you just go live with them if you love them so much?"
"I never said that. I didn't have a choice, and you would know that if you just paid attention to what I'm saying right now and have been trying to tell you," I shouted, my voice echoing through the halls, as tears went down my face but not visible to her.
"I'm going inside right now, and I'll be leaving right after they announce who the winner is, and," she paused, "if it isn't you after the fact you've embarrassed us, don't try and come home for Christmas."
Then she walked away.
I pressed my palm to my mouth as I tried to suppress the small whimpers of the tears that were streaming down my face, her words hurt, they always did. It was in a way that I cannot describe, it was the type of pain that felt like your heart had been crushed and your soul had left your body, but you have been revived again to live the same pain over and over again. It was the type of pain that felt like a burden on your heart that you couldn't seem to shift.
My back hit the pillar behind me as I tried to collect myself, wiping away my tears as I tried to inhale and exhale, but tears still continued to paint my face, like a mark of my mother of how much she had hurt me.
I heard footsteps coming down from the hallway, a few giggles as I looked up, a small amount of light coming out from the main hall as I blinked away the tears that made my vision blurry.
I saw Malfoy standing, and for a second I thought I could just melt, and he'd catch me, and tell me everything is fine, his eyes met mine and I know he saw how I was crying but the shift in my mood immediately happened as I saw a raven-haired girl giggling behind him, making her way to kiss him as she smiled from the bottle of alcohol in her hand, I bit down on my tongue, turning around slightly to wipe down the tears.
I don't know if he tried to stop me or not, it wouldn't have mattered because as I entered the hall, people were anxiously waiting for the winner to be called.
Then they called my name, I looked up as the world stopped around me, and I was happy—not expecting it but was happy.
Though I wasn't going to let people get their way tonight.
I walked up to Professor McGonagall as she smiled at me, a man I've never seen before, setting up a black stand as he took a picture of us—the flash of the camera blinding me for a split minute.
"Evelyn dear, would you like to say a few words before we go on with the event?" She asked me as I nodded my head, all my friends smiling as they clapped for me—Bonnie ready to tackle me with a hug as I walked in front—putting the tip of my wand against my neck.
"I wasn't really expecting to win this tonight, considering the circumstances," I spoke, licking my lips before I continued, "though I very much do appreciate the fact this trophy was given to me—it's indeed very pretty," I laughed as the crowd laughed with me, watching and listening to my every word.
"Even though I appreciate all of this," I gestured to the trophy in my hand, "this isn't mine to keep," and the crowd went silent, "you see my friend Bonnie had played by the rules and did everything that was right, it wouldn't be fair for me to keep this."
I gestured over to her, as she refused, but Amelia eventually gave her a small push into the floor—along with Theodore. "You deserve this way more than I do tonight, and I think this should be your night to celebrate this," I spoke as tears swelled up her eyes, "so Bonnie and Theodore, I announce you as the winners for tonight's competition."
I hadn't expected the crowd to burst into cheers, but the Slytherins of our house began roaring along and with the help of Hermione, the Gryffindor was cheering as well—Neville stood by her as he held a flower, gesturing it was for me.
I smiled as my mother exited the hall, happy that she was gone and relieved because I had no intention of seeing her this year again.
—