Sheldon lied awake after his alarm went off and he was staring at the ceiling. He couldn't sleep well again and it was starting to disrupt his sleeping schedule as now he was always tired.
He looked at the door that was closed and remembered when he said he loved Amy for the first time outside his room. The look on her face was the exact look he had when he realised that he loved her and was capable of love. She was beautiful in that aqua blue dress and the little matching cardigan that went with it.
He really thought she was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. She had this fascinating brain that was so smart and she was so kind with him. She was always patient with him and didn't pressure him into anything he didn't want to do. She was gorgeous to and alot of the time he didn't know what he done to deserve someone like her. It was like all he saw was black and white but with her he saw colour. He didn't want to go back to black and white.
He thanked Rajesh and Howard everyday for finding him someone he didn't even know he needed. All he wanted to do was be around her and spend every minute with her. Now he was still staring at the ceiling but he was seeing black and white again and his heart ached. It wasn't going to be for long though,today was 'Fun with Flags' and she had to be there to help right ? It gave him an excuse to talk to her right?
He finally got up and got dressed and was excited for the day. He wanted to see her face again and talk to her again. He decided to face time her and waited for her to pick up.She eventually picked up and he listened to her ramble on but he wasn't going to let that stop him from getting her back.
She wasn't going to help with the 'Fun with Flags' anymore. So they weren't even going to try to be friends which hurt him. How can she be so okay with not seeing him.If she loved him as much as he loved her then she wouldn't be able to do this and she wouldn't be able to live without him. So did she really love him ? She didn't even want to see him. Did he do something so terrible. Was it just hopeless?
He was angry,devastated and felt like someone pushed the knife deeper in his chest now. How was it possible to still love someone who hurt you so much? This was all his fault and he was so disappointed in himself. He wanted to scream and cry. He wanted to punch something.
There by the kitchen table was where they had so many teas together and remembered the time he called her a vixen,her cheeks turned a little red. Sheldon couldn't stop smiling and thinking what else would make her go even more red.
There by the couch where they decided to build a fort like little kids,she accepted his childish side and played along to. They built this beautiful fort and they had so much fun. She even stayed over for the night. He let her sleep on the couch and he took the mattress on the floor. He actually wanted the couch but he heard it was common decency to give the woman the better place and he loved her enough to be selfless about it.
She was now facing him but she was fast asleep and Sheldon wondered why he didn't have her sleeping over here sooner. She looked so peaceful and beautiful,he could stare at her forever. He kissed her lightly on the forehead trying not to wake her up and he tucked a little strand of her hair behind her ear. He bent down just a little bit to her ear and whispered so softly after making sure she was asleep,"I love you,Amy Farrah Fowler".
He didn't want to wake her as she was sleeping so peacefully but he wanted her to know that and not forget it. He went back to bed and slept. He didn't sleep so well ,as he could feel the hard ground under the mattress but he didn't mind if she was comfortable. He was so selfish about everything but when it came to her,he would give her everything he had.
He decided to pack all the things that reminded him of the relationship,all the memories that was there. He put in the scarf,comic book,her tiara and his purple shirt he wore when she broke up with him. He didn't want anything to remind him of her incase they wouldn't get back together. He opened the draw where he kept all of Amy's things that she left there or little things that happened during their relationship. He never saw a need for it because he had an eidetic memory but she wanted it.
He put in the Star Trek costume she wore when she tried to get him to enjoy spending time with her. To be quite honest he enjoyed spending time with her already but seeing her do all of his favourite things even when it bored her completely it made him so happy and grateful for her. The things she would do for his happiness was endless. He wanted her to keep the costume and not throw it away because he loved it on her and she looked way better in it than Star Trek ever could.
He packed the coin that was used to try and make him decide between PS4 or Xbox one and Amy was so patient that day. She really was and having her head on his shoulder was one of the reasons he didn't want to make the decision because it meant she wouldn't be lying on his shoulder anymore.
He put in the copied letter of him putting her as his important person to call when he was sick also .He obviously had to change it eventually but didn't want to do so immediately. This simple piece of paper sent her over the moon because it meant alot to her. The tiniest things made her happy.
The little train that was on the desk in his room. He bought it in Napa when they went there by train and he kissed her on the train. He told Amy why he bought it and wanted to give it to her but she insisted he kept it because she wasn't going to forget that moment any time soon. He didn't plan on kissing her but he wanted to prove a point,he was so glad he was wrong which is rare. He didn't expect to enjoy it so much,the after taste of brownie sundae that lingered on his lips. He loved trains before it but he loved trains even more now because he kissed her in one and he would never forget that.
Once he got everything packed in the box it didn't make him feel better like he thought he would. It made him feel more hurt because he craved to relive the memories now. He craved anytime he was in her presence now. He wanted it more that the Nobel prize right now and that scared him. What if she didn't want him back? What if she was sick of him already?How was he going to live without her? How was he going to get used to this pain ? He needed her like she was some sort of drug.
How would Amy look jealous he wondered as his thoughts weren't present anymore. Would she be jealous if he moved on ? Did she still love him enough to not want him to move on? He wanted to put it to the test. He blamed it on his scientific curiosity which he partly knew it wasn't just that.He went to retrieve Penny's bra and placed it in the box under the scarf.
He got to her apartment door and was going to do his usual infamous door knocking but realised she wouldn't open the door to him because apparently he 'traumatised' her. How could she say that. How could he have traumatised her. How could she feel like that if she loved him. How could the love of his life feel like that. He was so confused.He decided to only knock once which took so much in him because it was so hard.
When she opened the door,she looked disappointed to see him. He felt his heart shatter just a little bit. She looked at the box and after he told her to go through it first trying to act all normal about it,she pulled out the scarf. He reminded her about when she wore that when they went ice skating. She just listed something bad about it like she totally forgot about when he did decide to go on the ice ,he let her hold onto him, she gripped so tight fearing she would fall and he didn't complain once.
He hurt alot but knowing that he was supporting her and helping her for once he sucked through the pain. She brushed over the fact he even gave her his second jacket which he always had on him and he doesn't give to anyone but he gave it to her. She brushed over the fact he even kissed her on the cheek. She just found the negative of the night. She knew that he was cautious about being sick as he wanted to live a long life especially when he had something to lose now. He wanted to spend as much time with her as he possibly could. Every single moment. So how could she ruin all the good memories over some bad ones.
He tried to stop himself from crying,he moved on and ignored her comment. She eventually recognised the bra in the box. Her face grew tired and mad at the same time. He tried to be all casual about it but she wasn't buying anything. His plan didn't work so he gave her the box and took the bra back with a sigh of defeat.
Once he left after knocking on the table to help his need to pull out his hair and scream because he didn't complete the pattern. He sat there outside the apartment building,he was so angry at Amy and himself. He was used to being angry at himself but being angry at Any was a whole other feeling. Being angry at someone you love so much you would die for them in an heartbeat. Being angry at someone you gave your whole heart to and they snapped it like it was a twig. Look at him using metaphors. How can you still love someone who hurt you so much? How can you still want to be in their arms just one more time when they were the one that left?
He punched the wall in frustration. It didn't help,all it did was hurt his hand which he was wincing at now and it didn't help the hurt. He was now one of those people he thought were idiots. He was one of those people who were stupid enough to fall in love with someone knowing that most of the time the outcome is pain. He felt like an idiot and he didn't know why he let his emotions get the best of him.
He could've been working on getting a Nobel prize right now but he had to go chasing after a girl he loved and she clearly didn't want anything to do with him. He decided to get home and just watch Spock to try feel better like he always does but how was Spock going to fix this pain that he felt. The unending numbing pain he felt now.
He had his face supported by his arm and he just watched Spock and nothing was helping to rationalize him. He knew he had to film 'Fun with Flags' soon and wanted to be completely rational when doing so. He didn't want people to see him show emotion because what good scientists gets controlled by their emotions. Leonard came out of his room and he just looked at him. He didn't say a word and just made tea for them both.
Leonard placed the tea on the table for both of them and sat on the small couch next to Sheldon's spot,he just sat there saying nothing. Sheldon paused the TV and put his face in his hands now.
"Leonard,I don't know if I can do this anymore. This feeling I have isn't getting better and I don't know how to fix it. How do you do this ? When Penny broke up with you ?"Sheldon said now taking his face out of his hands and staring at Leonard.
"Buddy it doesn't get better overnight. You will be feeling this for a long time but eventually it won't be as strong as it was yesterday and the day before that until it becomes so tiny that you hardly realise it is there. I'm sorry you in this much pain but it does get better eventually I swear." Leonard said so calmly and it helped alot knowing he had Leonard to talk to .
They talked a little more and Leonard helped give him advice on some things until Sheldon realised the time.
"Thank you, Leonard. I should probably film 'Fun with Flags' even if Amy isn't coming back. You should probably go to Penny's."Sheldon said sadly because he didn't want to do it without her.
They were a team and started it together but now it was just him and it would have to be another thing he gets used to.
"Ugh fine. I need to talk to Penny anyway." Leonard said placing the now empty cup down on the table and headed to the door. Before he left he looked back at him "Sheldon,good luck." and he left.
As the door slammed behind Leonard,Sheldon got everything prepared and before he pressed play on the camera with the remote in his right hand,he took a deep breath and told himself he could do this. As he pressed play on the camera and it was now recording he was doing so well until he mentioned the break up with Amy. He was all together but now he was slowly slipping away now and didn't know how long he had left.
He became mad at Amy again all of a sudden because she worked her way in his life and hurt him. Yes it was his fault and he knew that Amy deserved nothing to do with him because she deserved so much better than he could ever give her or anyone for that matter but she knew what he was like. She knew him and got involved anyway. Anger consumed him and he couldn't seem to rationalize himself again. He started rambling and rambling on about her but using flags and he couldn't seem to stop.
The floodgates were open and he couldn't seem to stop talking. He needed this to get out all the anger he had to himself and even to Amy which hurt even more than hating himself because how could you be so angry at someone you loved so much? How could you be so angry at someone you thought of spending the rest of your life with? How could you still love someone who hurt you so much ? and the bigger question that hurt him the most,how could he still want someone back so much but she didn't want the same ?.
He cut off the video as soon as he was feeling a little better but he didn't even notice the tears dripping down his cheeks. He decided to email it to Amy so she could see how much he was hurting. He knew it was selfish and it would hurt her but he was known as selfish right ? So this would be something he did right ? So why not be the person everyone thinks he is ? Maybe she could see it and take him back.
How foolish he was for having hope on something he very much knew wouldn't happen. She was probably with someone else right now not even giving him another thought. She probably forgot every single memory they had,every hug,every kiss,every word that was uttered between just the two of them. He wouldn't forget though ever . He cursed his eidetic memory at the time.
The night went by and he decided to give Penny and Leonard their anniversary gift.As he was waiting for their response there was a knock on the door. He went to answer it and it was Amy . She was mad though,you could see it because her face was now blood red .She was yelling but the only thing, to not let it get to him was realising that she watched the video. So did he have a chance after all ?
Once he closed the door after she was yelling so much, everything felt bittersweet. He was sad that she yelled at him and was mad at him but he missed her and she watched the video. He said it to himself out loud without even noticing. "I'm going to get her back."
She immediately yelled that she only watched it because he sent an email about it through the door. Okay so yes he sent the email but she still didn't have to watch it though and she chose to watch it so did she still care ? She was even listening through the door. He felt the little flutter in his stomach come back . It took him by surprise and he had even more hope to get her back.
He got ready for bed and was about to see if he could shut his eyes and sleep tonight. Trying to sleep so desperately but his head was all over the place now. It felt like a rollercoaster in his mind. He heard a notification go off on his phone. He turned over and switched on his phone,his phone was the only light surrounding the darkness.
'Look back at a memory from last year '
The phone said and he pressed on the notification to swipe it away but of course somehow it opened the photo on his phone. It was a picture of Amy and Sheldon when she took him to the movies and demanded they take pictures for memories. Sheldon didn't understand her fascination with having memories of being at the movies but he did it to make her happy. He even let her kiss him on the cheek.
If he had an eidetic memory then how come he was starting to forget how her lips tasted on his or how she used to grip him so tight when they hugged like she was afraid she was going to lose him. He hated it because he missed it and now there was nothing to remember her by. He could still remember how his lips used to tingle a little and his stomach used to do those flips but how long did he have to hold on to that feeling. He was losing time with her and he didn't even know for certain if he was going to be with her again. He didn't know the last kiss was going to be the last kiss or the last hug be the very last. If he did he would've savoured everything. He would've kissed her more passionately or hugged her so tight and not want to let her go. He would just keep her in his arms forever if only he knew.
He was losing hope now and he was becoming realistic. He wasn't going to get her back. She didn't want him,who was he kidding by even trying ?. He was just being foolish chasing for a girl who didn't want him back. Oh my gosh,is that what he did? Did he make her feel like that when he didn't reciprocate his feelings? His head was now spinning and he didn't even notice when the tears started falling but he could feel it stain his cheeks.
He got out of bed as it was all to much right now.He didn't know what to do,he was going to make tea to make him feel better,it always helped him when he needed comfort but he froze in the middle of his room now.He grabbed onto his blanket on the bed and slowly sat down on the floor beside his bed. "I can't... can't... can't..do..do.this." he kept repeating like it was the only words in the English language or actually the only words his brain knew.
He just sat there crying and repeating the same thing over again like he was stuck on repeat in between the sobbing. Somewhere in between he would slam his fists on the floor and scream in anger but would repeat the loop again and again like he needed a reboot but couldn't do it by himself. He kept trying to catch his breath that he was now losing in between the crying.
How could people go through this. It felt awful,the pain that wasn't physical but he could feel it everywhere in him. It was like a battlefield in his mind but he was losing now and whatever it was that was winning,he knew it would'nt be good. He continued to cry and keep repeating the sentence as his cry for help. He didn't know what happened to get him here but he couldn't stop it. He couldn't control his body anymore.
Leonard came rushing into the room and once he saw Sheldon like that,he rushed to the floor and screamed for Penny.
Leonard tried to calm him down by talking to him slowly and he doesn't know how much time went by until he started slowly breathing again. He could see the scared look on his friends faces and he felt just as scared for what was next. He felt a little better but he was still crying and he was just lying in Penny's arms as she comforted him and Leonard was on the other side patting him on the back.
They sat in his room watching him sitting on his floor and as Penny finished her tea,she decided to go back to bed.
"You feeling better,Sheldon."Leonard asked again for like the 50th time.
Sheldon didn't know how to respond. He felt fine physically but inside was now the after effects of a bomb explosion. You didn't know where to start fixing as there was to much damage and none of it felt okay.How could your body be experiencing two different feelings. He didn't understand any of this.
"I don't think I'm getting her back,Leonard. I tried so hard but she doesn't want anything to do with me." Sheldon said eventually in such a low voice.
"Sheldon,you just have to give her time. She is going through a hard time to and it isn't easy for her. She is hurting to you know but I do think it is time to move on though. You can't keep sitting here in pain waiting for her. I know it is hard because you love her and you can't imagine loving someone else but this isn't helping you and it is time."Leonard said looking at him in the eyes letting him know he was serious.
"He's right Sheldon,it is time you start to move on and stop trying to get her back. You tried your best but now it is just hurting you more. Just because she broke up with you doesn't mean it doesn't hurt her. It hurts her alot to but she decided this was the best choice for both or you."Penny said standing by the doorway,both of the guys wasn't even aware she was listening in.
"How could this be the best choice for both of us if it is just hurting us as you say? How is feeling...feeling like this best for us.?" Sheldon said practically screaming.
The room fell silent and Leonard got up,walked over to Sheldon and bent down to put his hand on his shoulder.
"Buddy,why don't we watch a movie since clearly you are not going to sleep,how does that sound?" Leonard said so gentle and calm which helped the emotions in the room now.
Sheldon just nodded and they sat down to watch a movie until he eventually fell asleep.
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The next couple of days weren't as bad. Sheldon decided to avoid Amy even if he wanted to see her so badly but Leonard and Penny were right he needed to move on. He started feeling a little better,not completely as he was still hurt and still cried himself to sleep sometimes but it didn't hurt as much as a few days ago. It seemed to get better slowly everyday.
When Amy came to have dinner with the group,he would go to the comic book store and just walk around until Leonard gave him a call that she was gone. He saved food for him when he got home of course. Leonard did say that he at least had to be there once when Amy was there every couple of days so he could learn to be around her.Sheldon agreed as Leonard had been helping him feel better slowly,Penny helped alot to.
They were there for him and helped him with everything,he didn't know what he would do without them and he appreciated everything they have done for him. So he showed up every now and then when Amy was there,he liked her presence when she was there but he also felt more sad to. It was weird how you could want someone so near you but you also didn't want them to be there to.
He didn't say anything unless he was responding to an idiotic comment that was made or sharing a fact but he didn't talk to her. He just stared at his food and poked it around a bit as he wasn't really hungry. Every few glances he would look at her and she looked like she was doing well,she had purple under her eyes and you can see she tried to cover it up with make up. She had a little more colour in her cheeks now and you could see the lip gloss she put on her lips.
She still looked so beautiful,she really did and he missed her. He missed her lips on his,missed her warm embrace when she hugged him and that smile that was like the only little light in the dark room and all the moths were drawn to it. He missed their scientific experiments like when they both wanted to see how far a rumour goes in their social group and they spread a rumour that she slept with him and was carrying his child. She honestly had this brain that wasn't like anyone elses and he loved talking to her,there was never a dull moment between them.
"Excuse me,I'm going to the bathroom." Sheldon said and the room fell quiet in an instant. He got up and entered the bathroom. Everything was just overwhelming and this wasn't something he could get used to. He would have to though right ? He washed his face with some water until there was a knock on the door.
"Sheldon,you okay in there ? "Penny asked with a little worry in her voice.
She slowly opened the door to see him standing by the basin.
"What if I was using the bathroom ?"Sheldon said when she came in without letting him know.
"Please Sheldon you paste your schedule everywhere." Penny said and then tugged him a little to sit on the floor with her.
"You okay ? "Penny asked once again.
"Yes,I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed right now and need some time to myself." Sheldon responded.
"Do you want go to your room? You don't have to hang out with Amy if it is still painful." she said to him gently.
"yes I do want to go to my room but I won't. It will always be painful for me and it is going to hurt all the time but I need to get used to it. Sitting in the same room as her knowing that we aren't going to get back together hurts,knowing I'm never going to have her in my arms again sucks which is funny because I don't like physical contact but it is different with her. She doesn't deserve to not join the group because I was an idiot and lost her. I also need to come to terms with it and face my fears so I will go back." He ranted on and on until Penny just smiled.
"Okay I understand. Sheldon I'm really proud of you. You may have not been the best boyfriend ever but I know you love her alot and you are handling this amazingly." Penny said as she pulled him in to give him a hug which she done more often now wether he liked it or not.
"This is handling it amazingly,hiding in a bathroom."Sheldon said in her ear as they were still hugging.
"Well yess,break ups are not the most painful things you can go through but they are definitely somewhere on that list and you have acted like such a human about it and that is good because you need to feel every second of this instead of hiding your feelings. You still have a tough road to go down but you are doing good so far." she said breaking up the hug in the middle. "I will leave you to have some space for a while." she said as she got up and left.
He was going to try be mature. He was going to try becoming a better person maybe not for Amy but definitely because of her. He needed to learn to be in the same room as her but he was going to start off slowly. Every couple of days was going to have to work.
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Leonard and Sheldon planned on having a movie day with the guys. They made lunch to eat before leaving and Leonard always checked up on him which was becoming annoying but Sheldon appreciated that he cared. As they were making food,Howard and Rajesh unexpectedly arrived into the apartment early.
They said they are taking them away for the weekend and to be quite honest Sheldon just wanted a weekend in. He didn't feel like doing anything major. Of course the guys blindfolded him and grabbed him. He was going whether he wanted it or not. He was irritated as he was going against his will.
Once he knew he was in Richard Feynman's van and going to his cabin,things started looking up,he was actually excited. It would be a good distraction right and he got to spend time in a scientist's van. Plus he would have fun for Leonard to since Leonard was always there for him even if they both made fun of each other alot to .
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Climbing all those flights of stairs,Sheldon and Leonard felt dirty and tired. Of course the van burnt down to ruin the weekend. Penny ran into them when they finally got to their apartment. They were competing for whose weekend was worse.
She mentioned Amy and it made his heart beat so fast like it was trying to jump out and return to the person who it belonged to. The dazzling and fascinating person who he met at a coffee shop. She was brilliant, beautiful, so kind and generous. She really was the whole package. He looked at Penny's door that was closed now. That was when she kissed him for the second time and hugged him,all for a tiara. He didn't appreciate her enough then. He really cared for her then but never showed her.
She really was patient with him and no wonder why she left because he never let her know how much she really meant to him.How much she has changed his life for the better. She was the reason for his happiness. How he wished he could've been the better man for her but now it was to late.
"Sheldon,you coming in or what ?" Leonard asked and Sheldon just looked at him with surprise to see the door was open already. He dismissed his thoughts and walked into the apartment.
to be continued ...
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Wow you guys are still here :) thank you so much <3 . I don't know about you but I cried a little writing this chapter. Thank you for sticking around and please let me know what your thoughts were . I hope to see you next chapter and hope you are all well .