After that, it seemed like I existed in a parallel universe where somehow, things were good with Chelsea, and things were somewhat good with Kate. Up to this point, I'd never known that kind of sensation. When I'd been with Kate, Chelsea had to stay on the back burner, where I knew she wasn't happy to be. And when I was with Chelsea, I was only allowing myself to be, because I was mad at Kate. Now, Chelsea had my attention, and Kate and I weren't back together, but we were getting along. At least, we were being civil.
Things with Chelsea? Good.
Things with Kate? Good.
Things with me?
Miserable.
The only reason things were working at all, was because I'd conveniently omitted some details. I hadn't told Kate about Chelsea. When I'd somewhat agreed to reconcile, even if I hadn't agreed to get back together, I'd never mentioned that there was someone else. And of course, the opposite was true. I'd never told Chelsea that I'd called Kate after we broke up. I never told her that she'd come over. And, most importantly, I never told her that we kissed.
The guilt ate at me relentlessly, but was it really my fault? Did I have to tell Chelsea I was calling Kate? We weren't officially dating. And was it wrong of me not to tell Kate about Chelsea? Is it someone's responsibility to tell an ex-girlfriend about a new relationship? Of course not. So why did I feel so awful?
______
"You left your scarf at my apartment," I told Chelsea the following morning.
"I did it on purpose," she said. "So you'd invite me back."
I smiled. "Really?"
"No," she said. "But I did have a great time."
That was a relief. I knew that it had definitely been a great time - for both of us - up until the Kate episode. Then things kind of went downhill.
"Even though I locked you in a closet?"
She laughed. "Even though you locked me in a closet."
"Good," I said, feeling better about the situation though I still felt bad. "Come by and get it."
"When?"
"Whenever."
"I can't tonight," she said. "I have something to take care of. But tomorrow?"
I nodded. "Sure," I said.
But for some reason, that made me suspicious. It was the language. "Something to take care of."
That sounded familiar. I'd said the same thing when I was lying to Kate.
_______
That night, I asked Liliana to come over and I told her everything, from the beginning, ending with "Something to take care of."
"Back up," she said after I'd spit out the entire story in a rush. "You kissed her?"
I pursed my lips, unsure of an answer. My whole drama, and she decided to focus on that one minor detail?
"She kissed me," I said finally.
"And you let her."
"She surprised me."
"Honey," she said, looking unamused. "Nothing about Kate is ever a surprise."
"Well, one thing was."
"Maybe for you."
"The thing is, I can't even look at either of them now without feeling guilty."
"There's no reason for that," she said. "You're not dating anyone. You can do whatever you want."
"I'm leading them both on," I condemned myself. "I'm making Chelsea think it's over with Kate, when apparently, it's not. And I'm making Kate think I'm coming back to her, when I'm not sure I am."
"So you're actually thinking about it?" she asked incredulously.
I sighed. "I loved her, Lil," I said quietly.
"Brooke," she said, sensibly. "She hurt you."
"I know she hurt me. I was there," I said, getting edgier. "But I believe in second chances."
"And third, and fourth, and fifth, and sixth?"
"I'm just saying, it's not easy to leave her."
"It's easier to stay in a relationship that's no good for you?"
I said nothing for a while. As much as I knew she was right, I'd spent the last two years being told what to do, and while going back to Kate may not have ended that, the last thing I needed was for someone else to judge me.
I came close to tears, but didn't cross the threshold. "Just, tell me you understand me?"
She exhaled. "I understand."
"Thank you," I said quietly.
"But Brooke, you have someone you care about, who actually treats you right. Can't you just be happy with that?"
That had been the question on my mind for days.
"I should," I admitted, wondering in vain, once again, why I wasn't.