(trigger warning: mentions of an eating disorder. please read at your own discretion.)
Mona was surrounded by warmth.
It seeped into her skin and filled her from the inside out. She'd never felt so comfortable in her life.
The nightmares had stopped and now she just couldn't remember her dreams. But judging from the way she was waking up, it must have been something pleasant, because there was an unmovable smile on her face.
And then she felt it, the hands, pressed gently on her back, warm, strong arms embracing her. Her own hands were on him, one on the back of his shoulder and the other pressed to his heart, her head resting comfortably on his chest. His heartbeat was a steady thump, thump, thump against her palm and she found that her breaths matched it, even and calm, just how everyone liked her to be for these past couple of days. She sighed contentedly, shifting her head to look up at him, and for a moment, her smile grew even larger. It had been a while since she caught herself in this position with him, and all she could think about was how beautiful he was, even while asleep.
But then, reality kicked in, and the smile dropped from her face.
Damnit, she thought to herself.
As if reading her thoughts, Niall shifted, a tiny grunt sounding from his throat as he twisted his body into a more comfortable position. When he looked down at her with his sleepy eyes, Mona's breath caught in her chest, and she wondered how anyone could keep their heartbeat steady when Niall looked at them like that. "G'mornin, my darlin'," he breathed out, voice groggy and sleepy and adorable. Mona wanted to punch herself in the throat.
At Niall's shifting limbs, another voice groaned, and Harry sat up from where he was sleeping on Niall's other side, rubbing the heaviness from his eyes. He smiled at them before his eyes caught on the laptop sitting idly on the coffee table, screen dark from the battery long giving up on them, and his entire expression changed. "Shit," he muttered, slumping back into the couch to card his fingers through his hair.
Liam had begun to jostle from where he was snoozing on the loveseat and as time stretched on, Mona began to panic. "I can't believe we fell asleep," she huffed, shifting out of Niall's warm embrace and wrapping her arms around herself. "We were only supposed to watch one episode!"
Harry huffed, reaching over to connect Liam's laptop to its charger. "Well," he sighed as it booted back up, "looks like we watched an entire season."
Mona groaned. They were over at Niall and Liam's and they were supposed to be studying. How reviewing notes for upcoming midterms turned into binge watching the entire season of The Crown on Netflix, she had no idea. She wasn't sure why they had a sudden obsession with the British monarchy last night, but she was surely regretting it now, because she had an exam in a few hours and she hadn't studied nearly as much as she wanted to for it. She ran her fingers through her hair in frustration, her heart beating a little too fast for comfort. "Oh my god, I can't believe we did this. I really need to pass this stupid test."
Niall's fingers closed around her wrist, and while his touch stopped feeling like it burned, it still had her flinching. "Relax," he murmured as he tugged her closer to him. She'd been letting him do that for the past few days because she didn't want to draw attention to her feelings on the...incident. And as much as she loved the way it felt when he had his arms wrapped around her, it still hurt way too much. "You still have time."
She glanced at the time on Liam's laptop and realized he was right. It was 6 am. But it wasn't as if any of them got enough sleep.
Harry yawned. "I don't, unfortunately." He started to gather his books and notes, stretching as he stood up before heading to the door. "I'll see you lot later, I guess. My exam's in two hours."
Liam scoffed, but pouted in sympathy nonetheless. "That's what happens when you sign up for an 8 am."
Harry scowled. It was a sore spot for him that they all liked to tease him about. He'd fallen asleep when registrations opened up and got stuck with an early morning class, something he endlessly complained about. "Have a nice day, everyone except Liam," he muttered on his way out, and they all laughed as he shut the door behind him.
Mona felt the smile slip off her face as the jitters came back. Niall's hand was still on her wrist, fingers stroking her skin lightly as an attempt to keep her calm, but all she felt was on edge. "I should, um," she pulled her hand away from him, his warmth fizzling slowly from her skin. "I should go too." She started to gather her books, but Niall leaned forward into her space, placing a hand on her thigh.
"Stay for breakfast?" he asked, voice lifted sweetly.
On any other day, Mona would've probably stayed. But right now, being around him had her feeling too much, and all she really needed was to get out of her own head. "Maybe next time," she replied, trying to keep her voice even. "I really need to go over these notes. And maybe take a nap."
At that, Niall laughed, her thigh feeling impossibly cold when he pulled his hand away. His eyes sparkled, even with that sleepy glaze, and her heart was so gone for it.
She sighed. She didn't know what she was going to do with herself.
~
It was a bit past noon when Mona finally got back to her apartment.
She wasn't sure how she did on that exam, but she was feeling okay about it. If she was being honest, all she really wanted to do was crawl into her bed and take a nap, and as she opened the front door to the apartment, she was determined to do just that.
But, alas, her life sucked lately, and so did her luck.
"Did she eat this morning? I've been trying to pay attention to her but she's gotten so good at escaping me." It was Harlow's voice. She was talking to someone in the kitchen. Mona didn't know why she did it, but she didn't open the door all the way because it was visible from that side of the apartment. Instead, she kept it cracked slightly so she'd be able to hear what else Harlow was saying.
She huffed when she caught herself. She hated that she found herself in this position so often lately.
"Erm, I'm not too sure? She left pretty quickly this morning." Mona rolled her eyes at the responding voice. It was Niall. She seemed to find the two of them whispering about her in odd places nowadays and it was getting on her last nerve. She wasn't a child, she didn't need them to look out for her all the time. "Actually now that I think about it, she picked around at her food last night too."
Mona felt a lot of things over these past few days, but she hadn't quite felt anger in the way she did at that moment. She could feel the shakes coming on again, but this time it was because there was a fire flaring up within her that she needed to breathe through and not wave of panic.
Inside, Harlow sighed. "I'm really worried about her." She sounded very earnest, but that didn't do anything to quell the anger growing inside Mona. "She hasn't been taking care of herself and I'm worried—" she huffed, "I just don't want to see her fall into the same bad habits she had when her dad passed away." Harlow's voice cracked then, and when Niall went 'Oh, Harley,' Mona imagined him to be pulling her into one of his warm hugs. "It was so hard to watch her like that and I don't want her to go through that again."
"Harls, we've got her, yeah?" Niall's voice was soft and reassuring but it only made Mona more upset. "We're not gonna let her get stuck inside her head."
"I know, I know. Just—" there was a rattling and then the sound of a drawer being slammed shut. "I don't even want her to have to go through it again. The panic attacks, the eating disorder—it all took such a toll on her and I don't want to see her go down that hole again. I just want her to talk about her feelings sometimes so I can help her—"
But that was it. Mona had no interest in listening to what else Harlow had to say. Anger rolled through her like the waves before a storm and she couldn't see straight with the way her blood boiled within her.
How could she tell him that? Mona's deepest and most hidden truth. That was not Harlow's story to tell and Mona couldn't even believe her ears as the words came out of her mouth. Mona wanted to throw something or punch something or scream something, but she did none of that. Instead, she slammed the front door behind her as she walked into the apartment and heading straight to her room, not sparing Niall and Harlow a second glance as they gaped at her from the kitchen.
For good measure, she slammed the door to her bedroom too, the wood rattling on its hinges for a moment. Mona never really got angry. Frustrated and irritated, sure, but never this boiling fury that felt like it could rip through her at any second, never this molten lava in her veins that had her seeing red everywhere she looked.
She didn't know how long she'd been pacing the length of her room to try and get rid of this frustrated energy coursing within her, but when there came a knock at her door, she was nowhere near calm.
"Mo?" Niall cracked the door open without waiting for a response from her. His blue eyes were bright and vibrant and she quickly looked away. She couldn't look at him, which was actually a feeling she'd been having a lot lately. She didn't know why, but sometimes she just—she couldn't do it, she couldn't look at him. Sometimes, it just hurt too much. "You alright, love?"
The term of endearment only caused the anger to flare up even higher inside her. She couldn't see straight and she couldn't breathe normally and she hated that her life had come to this, to a constant state of her having to try and count to ten and hope her heart rate went back to normal. "Get out, Niall." Her voice was dangerously low and calmer than she expected it to be. It was the kind of tone that would make anyone step out of the way.
Apparently, not Niall, though. "Mo," he sighed, the door creaking as he opened it wider to let himself inside. "Don't do this, please. Please? Just talk to me, darlin'." He must have been talking to his mom a lot lately, because his accent had gotten a lot thicker than she remembered.
She shook her head at herself. She couldn't let herself be distracted right now. "Niall," she gritted out, turning her back to him. "Get. Out."
"Hey, I promise you if you just talk it out you'll feel so much better." Mona could tell he was slowly moving closer to her from the way his voice started to sound clearer in the haze of her mind. He was approaching her like she was a ticking time bomb, and in a way, she felt like she was. "Please? I don't know how much you heard but please don't be mad. Harlow just wants the best—"
"Oh my god why doesn't anyone just listen to me." There it was, the explosion. She never screamed at anyone, but at the strain she felt in her throat, she knew her voice was way too loud even for her. "I'm not a child, I don't need you guys to feel like you have to baby me all the time! If you really wanted to help me feel better then you'd just get out!"
At the sound of something shattering, she snapped out of it. Her vision cleared up in time for her to watch Niall grimace before his eyes widened slowly in disbelief, and when she looked over to see the shards of what was once a snow globe littering the floor near the wall, she couldn't believe herself either.
She gasped at herself, her hands coming up to cover her mouth. She hadn't even realized she'd even picked up the snow globe from her dresser, much less thrown it at the wall. And while she wasn't aiming at Niall and it went nowhere near him, she still couldn't even fathom being angry enough to throw things while he was right there.
"I'm so sorry," she breathed out, her voice horse and her head swimming. If she looked in the mirror right now, she literally wouldn't recognize herself. She needed to get a grip.
"Mona, what the hell!" Harlow rounded the corner into her room and looked at the broken glass on the floor with horrified eyes. "What's happening here?!"
Mona had backed up so much that her knees were hitting her bed and she was collapsing onto it. She heard Niall tell Harlow that everything was okay before he made his way towards her, this time, with less caution in his step. He kneeled down on the floor in front of her, hands tentatively reaching forward until they were smoothing over hers which were still covering her mouth. When he smiled up at her, Mona couldn't help the way her lips wobbled.
"Hey, incredible Hulk," he teased, reaching up to playfully shove at her shoulder. "You're alright. Don't freak out on me now."
But it was too late. She was already shaking, a traitorous tear rolling down her cheek and dropping down onto the collar of her shirt. "I'm sorry."
Niall sighed, and Mona wanted to full-on cry at the sound of it. She felt like everyone was so exasperated with her lately and it made her feel absolutely useless. He got up to sit beside her on the bed, and Mona covered her face with her hands when he tossed an arm over her shoulders, leaning his cheek on her head. "What can I do to make you not sad?" he asked quietly, though it sounded more like he was asking himself.
Mona huffed, falling back onto the bed and curling into herself, and Niall obviously did the same. There was a pillow between them now. Mona had so many on her bed because she needed them to make up for the emptiness of the other side. She still hadn't gotten used to not being able to curl into his warmth like in the cabin days. She knew she should've put some distance between them then because it hurt so much now.
Niall curled his pinky finger into hers. "Hey," he murmured, and when Mona opened her eyes, he was smiling at her. "Hi."
Mona couldn't help the way the corners of her lips twitched upwards. She hated how cute he was. "Hi."
Niall tightened his finger around hers. "Are you okay?"
Mona's breath hitched. It was instinctive to pull away, but she fought against it. She sighed. "No."
She could tell Niall was nervous from the way he shifted slightly, his finger twitching as he fought against the urge to put his fingernails between his teeth. His voice was quieter this time, softer. "D'you wanna talk about it?"
Her immediate answer was no. But she knew Niall didn't want that, and she'd disappointed him and everyone else enough for the past few weeks. She curled her lower lip between her teeth, nibbling at the bits of dry skin on the surface. "I didn't have an—" She sighed. She couldn't even bring herself to say it. Niall unlinked their pinkies so he could tangle all their fingers together, thumb stroking the back of her hand soothingly. "It's not true."
Silence stretched on between them. When it was clear Mona wasn't going to say anything else, Niall chipped in to help her along. "What's not true, darlin'?"
Mona gulped. She found herself shuffling closer to him. The warmth of his body was her safe space, and all she craved at the moment was to be as close as possible to him. It was such a stupid move, but she shoved away the pillow in between them, inching towards him, and she didn't really have to shift all that much until he met her the rest of the way and wrapped his arms around her body. She immediately tucked her head into his chest. He was wearing a really soft sweater today, and it collected all of his warmth so well that when she pressed her cheek to it, it felt as if the warmth was bursting right into her skin.
Niall hugged her tightly. His hands stroked her wild hair down, fingers gentle and delicate over her skin. His heartbeat was a slow and steady thrum against Mona's temples, and, like always, she found herself trying to match it. Niall was so warm, his skin so soft, his touch so comforting. Mona wondered if she'd ever feel this way with anyone else, like just their presence could make everything feel right, like being here, in their arms, would always feel like home.
"Mo," Niall whispered, his lips moving over her forehead. "Please tell me what I can do to help you fix this. Please? I hate seeing you like this."
Mona clenched her eyes shut. She hated feeling like she wanted to cry so much lately. Her emotions always felt like they were in overdrive nowadays, and all she really wanted to do was turn it all off.
She didn't know how to respond to him. She nearly wanted to ask: How can I make you love me? How can I get over you? Why does everything have to be so complicated?
Instead, she said nothing, just curled her fingers into his soft sweater and tried not to let her feelings overwhelm her to the brink of tears. She needed to learn to get a hold of herself. Her whole life felt as if it were spiraling out of control and there was nothing she could do to get a grip on it to slow it down.
"Darlin'," he murmured, and Mona hated the pleading she heard in his voice. "Please talk to me? Please?"
There was a lump in Mona's throat. She felt like all the words were stuck there and she was suddenly choking on them, trying to breathe through them. She stuttered through a breath in the way people did when they were about to cry, and Niall immediately acted on it, his arms tightening significantly around her so that every inch of her was pressed to every inch of him. Mona held on to him for dear life. Her world was spiraling, she was spiraling.
"Okay, shhh, I'm here." Niall shifted so he could move her up to the head of the bed. He maneuvered them so that he could get the sheet undone, and in the time it took for him to pull her back into her arms, she was already beginning to hyperventilate. "I've got you, darlin, I'm here."
And, god, the words were right there. Right there, stuck in her throat, slowly seeping onto her tongue and all she had to do was spit it out. Niall, I'm in love with you. So, so much that I feel like I can't breathe sometimes. That was all she had to say.
And, yet, it was all she couldn't say.
Mona didn't realize she was sobbing really loudly and forcefully until Niall was all up in her space, begging, "Mo, please, please, please, don't cry, please." He was sitting up and she was curled up in his lap and he was holding her close to his chest. He was leaned over her like a shield, arms holding on tight, and Mona brought her hands over her face, ashamed.
Her life was a mess.
She had flashes of a few nights ago, of these arms wrapped around her now being draped around someone else, of Niall's eyes, glazed over in fondness, watching a girl that wasn't her. She knew she should have pushed him away, it was the right choice. But how could she push away someone who was her safety net? Someone she loved more than anything else. Someone who was her home.
Niall let her cry and cry until she didn't have anything left.
Until she felt numb enough to fall asleep.
~
It was absolutely frigid outside.
The wind felt like shards cutting into her face, which was the only bit of her skin that was exposed. Still, Mona didn't really mind. She just wanted to feel nothing for a while, and the cold weather helped to distract her.
She wasn't really sure how she ended up on the fire escape. To be honest, she didn't even know whose fire escape she was on.
When she woke up, Niall wasn't next to her. The other side of her bed was painfully cold and so was the surface of her skin. When she had managed to pull herself together and actually sit up, her head spun so bad that she had to lay back down for a few minutes. In hindsight, maybe that was what set her mood off-course.
Mona had gotten out of bed only to find Harlow packing things into a suitcase outside. She wasn't sure why the sight of that had her spiraling again, but it only took Harlow saying, "Mona, you're gonna have to start packing your things sooner or later because we're leaving for San Francisco next week."
She wasn't sure what she did or said after that, but now she was on the fire escape freezing her ass off and feeling numb by it all. While she didn't really want to go back inside to face reality, she knew that if she stayed out here for any longer, she'd get hypothermia or something. With a sigh, she shifted over to climb back into the apartment. When she closed the window and turned around, she realized she was up in Zayn's and Harry's place.
They were all sitting on the couch in the living room when she rounded the corner. Zayn and Harry were watching her carefully while Niall and Liam had more somber looks on their faces. Harlow was leaning on Zayn, eyes trained on her fingers. Mona suddenly had a flash of the moment she stormed out of the apartment. She had told Harlow that she couldn't make her go to San Francisco, and that she'd have a better chance getting her to go if she were dead.
Remembering the words had her grimacing now. She'd never said such a thing before, and she could only imagine how it must have shaken Harlow.
"Mona," Zayn was saying now, patting the empty space next to him on the couch. "We need to have a talk."
Mona just stood there. She wasn't sure how she must have looked to them, but on the inside, she felt nothing at all. "I think I just want to go to bed, thanks." Her voice sounded empty, hollow. It was a bit alarming that she'd let herself spiral to this point.
At that, Harry sighed. "You said that last time, Namona." That had her flinching. Harry never used her full name, and that was how she knew this was serious. "C'mon. Sit down."
An upset Harry was never good, so she didn't protest at that. She shuffled her feet towards them, taking the empty seat beside Liam instead. He was the only one that seemed a bit warm towards her at the moment, because as she sat down, he immediately reached over to place a comforting hand over hers. When she looked over at him, he sent her a reassuring smile.
She knew none of them meant any harm. They all just cared too much.
There was a very tense silence before Harry sat forward, hands clasped together in front of him as he rested his elbows on his thighs. "This is not healthy, Mo. We all saw what happened at the pub the other day, and we can't have the same thing happening again just because you don't know how to talk about your feelings."
Mona gulped at that. She suddenly felt very nervous and kind of nauseous. She glanced over at Zayn, wondering if he told Harry about their talk on the fire escape, wondering if he even had to.
Liam was bumping his shoulder against hers just then, a comforting arm coming around her shoulders, and she easily leaned into him to rest her head on his chest. He was the only one that was able to get her to breathe that night, and his presence beside her now had her feeling a little less unnerved. "We're here for you, Mo," he said. "We just want you to trust us. Tell us what's going on with you so we can help you through it."
Mona closed her eyes at that. She didn't want to start crying again, but deep down, she knew she would. She hated that she couldn't seem to stop doing that lately. It really was quite awful.
"Mona," Zayn started, and she didn't have to open her eyes to know he was frowning. "We all love you. Please. Just talk to us."
She really should have expected this intervention from the way she'd been acting lately. She hadn't gone to work due to Jingle banning her until she could get her health up to par, which meant she was spending an unhealthy amount of time in bed when she wasn't going to class. It really was behavior that was cause for concern.
She gulped, the words coming out of her without her having to think about it. "I'm scared," she breathed out, voice croaking. She wondered how hard she'd screamed at Harlow at the strain she felt in her throat. Once she'd said it out loud, she realized how true it was. She was petrified of having to face the next week, and she couldn't seem to shake the anxiety it caused her. "I just—I don't want to go back."
Niall was leaning forward at the break in her voice, clearly recognizing the first telltale signs of oncoming tears. Her mind flashed to earlier in the day, when he was begging her to talk to him. She couldn't look at him now. Her broken heart was giving a pang of pain that was resonating in all of her bones, and she was glad Liam was holding her when she took the first gasp for air from the sobs she was holding back taking her breath away.
"Oh, Mo," Harry was sighing, his voice very sad and very concerned. He quickly moved to tuck himself into her other side, arms coming around her in a tight hug.
"God," Mona groaned in frustration, her hands coming up to cover her face. She was so ashamed of herself right now, of her inability to pull herself together. "I really don't want to go back. Please don't make me go back."
Suddenly, they were all around her, squeezing into each other on the loveseat even though they all couldn't fit. Harlow crouched down in front of her, eyes brimming with tears when Mona just could not, for the life of her, stop crying. "Mona darling, don't say that," she said softly, hands clutching Mona's. "You're so strong. You can do this."
Mona shook her head, noticing that her tears seeped into Liam's shirt. "I'm not." She didn't know when she'd gotten so deep in this hole of self-deprecation but she couldn't seem to dig herself out of it now.
"You are," Harry was saying beside her. "The only thing stopping you is yourself."
Mona curled into herself. Somehow, she managed to draw a deep breath just as a new wave of sobs tried to rip through her throat, her mind clearing up slightly. "What are you so afraid of?" Zayn asked, his hand resting on the space between her shoulders. He was perched on the arm of the loveseat behind Harry. "Why exactly don't you wanna go back to Cali?"
Mona gulped. It was a good question. One that she wasn't sure she had the answer to. But, she had a general idea of what bothered her so much about California. "It's gonna remind me too much of my dad and I'm not sure I'm ready to face it."
Zayn moved from his spot to crouch in front of her like Harlow was. His eyes were impossibly honest and determined, and aside from his perceptive nature, it was her favorite thing about him. Zayn never sugarcoated anything, and it was a quality that was well-appreciated by all of them. "But, babe, don't you want the closure? Maybe if you just go back and face your fears it won't hurt as bad anymore?"
"Mo," piped in Niall who was sitting beside Liam. "We're all gonna be there with you, yeah? You're not alone."
Harry put out his hand. "We're in this together."
Harlow was the first to put her hand in, then Zayn, then Liam. When Mona looked over at Niall, he was already smiling at her, bright blue eyes glimmering as he put his hand in as well. She didn't have to think about what she did next, because with all of her friends by her side, she knew she wasn't as alone as she thought she was.
"Together," she said, placing her hand on top of all of theirs, and they all cheered, leaning in for a huddle. Mona closed her eyes, taking in all the warmth radiating from all of them, and she suddenly felt calmer than she had in weeks. "I love you guys."
That resulted in a roar of laughter and cheers from the boys. "She loves us, she loves us!" cackled Harry, and Mona rolled her eyes. She hated them sometimes as well.
But in that moment, nothing else really mattered.
Because she was going to San Francisco, yes, but she'd have her family by her side through it all.