Private Thoughts

4/9/2021, 8:37 PM

Friday, but it's the public holidays, so I don't care. I kicked off the day by doing the majority of the stuff around the house. My mother told me to drown before 2022 strikes. My step father told me that all my issues aren't worth notice of anyone. My step father just does whatever my mother tells him to. My mother tells at me, hits me, touches me, and stalks my every movement. I have to constantly delete and re-download conversations I've had with the few people who truly care about me, just so she doesn't find out what I've been saying.  My sister gets somewhat abused, as well, but she somehow, even through every horrific thing that's she's done, still loves her. My sister has made my life a living hell. Everything I ever do gets reported directly back to my mother, so my mother can abuse me. My sister is a literal sadist. She even says this, herself. She derives pleasure out if other people suffering. Then she comes crying home about how nobody likes her. They're all so disgusting of people. Thanks to my sister, I've never been able to be the person I've always wanted to be. I have to act like someone I'm not, just so my sister doesn't mention me to my mother. For the majority of my early childhood, there wasn't a day I'd go to school without scars, cuts, bruises, a limp, etc. My mother has also started touching me, recently. I never perceived this as sexual abuse, until she groped me for the first time. It's so hard to write this. She would often make sex jokes with me, or laugh at them around me, or even sometimes watch straight-up porn (like recently, a video of a woman getting raped, uncensored). My hands are starting to shake from writing this. Thank god for autocorrect, otherwise this'd just be a mess. I want to leave. I don't feel safe, here. I want to move back to my hometown where all if my friends are. Here, nobody cares about me. At least back home, there were some nice people. Above all else, I just want somebody to talk to, which is so f***ing difficult, because I have insomnia, and I'm awake at these bull***t hours, and nobody is around for me. I constantly create an aura of false positivity, too. Whenever I feel extremely bad, I say nice things about other people, in hopes that they say something back. Just a general compliment is all I ask. I just so desperately want a "hey, thanks for being so cool, dude". At this point, I think I'd straight up cry if I heard anything nice. My depression is getting worse. It's so hard not to devolve into the same vicious cycle if self-abuse that I only recently got out of. I don't want to constantly cry about everything, though, because there is someone who loves me. There's this girl I really care about, Alexandra, and she's the most important person in my life. If she didn't exist, I wouldn't still be here, probably not even last year. She's helped me through so much, and I really can't thank her enough, but she's got her own problems she has to deal with right now. It would be so selfish of me to look for support, when she really needs it. and it's even worse, because since I feel so bad, I can't even give her the support she deserves, and so desperately needs. Alex, I know that you're not reading this, but if you are, I'm so, so, so sorry. You deserve so much better than me. Please. Leave me, and fine someone better. You need more than I can give. I'm not good enough for you, Alex. I'm so, so sorry. I love you so much. Thank you, but I'm sorry. You deserve better. Please, Alex. I'm so sorry.