Private Thoughts

4/24/2021, 5:03 PM

Most days, it's hard to even comprehend that my mother's and step father's marriage can even last. I woke up to the sound of the screaming at each other. I was that last night. Time is hard for me. Every time I hear a door open, I flinch. I always think to myself "What if it's my mother? What of she hits me, again? What if she touches me, again? What if she attempts to kill me?". I sickens myself with these thoughts. Even writing this now, I want to puke. I feel so much disgust from even thinking about my thoughts. I've fallen victim to the same cycle of self-abuse I only recently got out of. Everything's hopeless. No, my situation is hopeless. No, I'm hopeless. There's no point in trying, really. Everything just loops in on itself. My mother is sexist, and is trying to push the notion that "boys only want sex" on my sister, and even more surprisingly, me, too. I say surprising, because I am a boy, myself. I may be stupid, but I am not blind. She is using as a tactic to make sexual abuse easier. If I believe, myself, that boys only want sex, I will naturally gravitate towards it, via feelings of pressure, from not only my family, but from those around me, too, even when there was no real pressure to begin with. I think she is planning something horrific. I don't feel safe, here. There is nothing other than pain within my house hold. My mother hasn't been hitting me as much, recently. At first, I thought this was a good thing, but then I realised that it was because she is making me hurt myself, via overworking me. She does this by making me do physical activity all throughout the house, such as digging very large holes, and keeps me going at it, until I physically collapse. I have blisters all on my hands. On one hand, I have three popped blisters in the same place. It hurts. It hurts so bad. Typing feels horrific. 349 words, already? Pain. Pain. Pain. My mother threatens to make me unable to eat, many nights. I'm not talking not eating dinner, I'm talking no food for an entire day. I'm afraid she'll go for longer, soon. Sometimes the mere action of breathing sickens me. O hate the thought that humans are capable of surviving. I hate humans so much. Humans aren't worth existing. Every single individual one of them are utter piles of basic trash (Alex is an exception, but I am human, and therefore horrifically flawed, so I wouldn't notice of she was also total basic trash). I want to stop breathing. J want go to sleep one night, and never wake up. I want to stop existing. So much pain comes about from being alive. If you're not alive, you can't feel the pain. Life isn't a gift, it's a punishment. We believe in heaven and hell, but what if we all have already died? What if this is hell? I'm not religious, but this thought is constantly on my mind. Life is a glass prism, and all who enter are beams of light; when you leave, you are nothing but a broken, distorted mess.