THE ART OF LETTING GO
by cathrionne
Umihip ang malamig na simoy ng hangin at tumama ito sa mukha ko. Sumabog ang buhok ko dala ng pagtama sa akin ng hangin.
As I stare at the pristine waters of the beach resort where I'm currently at, the cold breeze kept on rippling through my clothes. My thoughts were interrupted when a pair of warm hands held my bare waist.
"What's on my baby's mind, hmm?" Claudian whispered in my ear and gave it a light, feathery kiss.
Dinama ko ang mainit niyang akap sa akin dahil alam kong huli na ito. This is the last time I'll feel his presence, his touch, his warmth. The last time I'll ever hear his baritone and gentle voice.
Masama ba kung hilingin kong sana'y huminto ang oras para makasama ko pa siya ng mas mahabang panahon? Gusto kong maging makasarili pero alam ko sa sarili ko na mali ang maging makasarili. Para sa ikabubuti naming dalawa itong desisyon ko.
"I wanna be selfish, Claud. I want you to be mine for the rest of my life. Pero hindi puwede." Mahinang ani ko, nasa malayo pa rin ang tanaw.
Claud made me face him. He cupped my face and kissed the tip of my nose.
"I am always yours, Renesmee. Even when you'd want to let go, my love for you will never fade away. Hindi mababaw ang pagmamahal ko sa iyo." He rested his forehead on mine.
Mariin siyang napapikit, siguro'y iniisip na rin kung tama ba itong ginagawa namin. Kung tama bang magpaubaya kami para sa ikasasaya ng lahat.
Narito kami sa isang pribadong beach resort upang tumakas sa responsibilidad naming dalawa. Sa ilang linggong pananatili namin rito, nakapagdesisyon ako sa kung ano ang tamang gawin naming dalawa upang hindi na kami makasakit ng iba pa.
"Gusto kong mamuhay ng payapa at masaya, pero hindi ko magawang maging masaya kapag alam kong mayroong mga taong nasasaktan habang ako ay nagpapakasaya sa buhay ko." I closes my eyes and felt the warmth of his touch that I'd probably miss after his heartbreaking talk we're having.
Claudian Aguirre is my long-time boyfriend. He's the one who stayed with me through thick and thin. He's the one who always understood me even though I cannot. We've been together for eight long years.. and now it's time to finally let go of him, of us.
"We can just runaway from everything, Nessy. Please, don't do this to me, baby." Nakapikit na pagmamakaawa niya, ang mga luha'y hindi na napigilan la at tuluyan na itong umagos sa pisngi niyang dati'y paborito kong hinahawakan at hinahagkan.
"But my sister needs you, Claud.. Ranae needs you.." I trailed as tears were slowly forming at the side of my eyes.
Ibinuka niya ang kaniyang matang mamula-mula at bahagyang inilayo ang mukha niya sa akin.
"Pero.. paano naman ako, Nessy? Kailangan kita.." Nabasag ang boses niya. "Hindi ko kayang pakasalan ang kapatid mo dahil lang sa mahal niya ako, Ness. Hindi ko naman siya mahal. Ikaw lang ang babaeng minamahal ko." He cried and hugged me tighter.
Hindi ko na napigilan ang mga luhang rumagasa sa magkabilang pisngi ko. It hurts so much but I have to do this, or I'll lose him and my sister.
And for the last time, I kissed his lips goodbye. I kissed him in the most passionate way I could ever. A kiss that was full of love. A kiss that ends what we have now.
Humiwalay ako sa halik. This is it, Renesmee.
"I'm sorry, Claud.." And with that, I left him on the beach resort he bought for us. I left him kneeling in the sand while in tears.
I had to leave him for my career. I had to leave him for his safety. I had to leave him for my sister. I'm sure she could love him more than I do. Panatag ako sa isiping ang kapatid ko ang makakatuluyan ng lalaking pinakamamahal ko sa tanang buhay ko.
I can't risk my sister and my brother's lives for my selfishness. I am an Attorney. And being an Attorney means risking the lives of my loved ones. I have been receiving death threats lately and I can't let anyone hurt my family. So I chose to let go of everyone and leave them behind. Hindi na ako muling nagpakita pa matapos kong iwanan si Claudian sa resort.
And now I am all alone.
Years have already passed since the day I let go of Claud. Simula noon ay hindi na ako muling nagpakita pa sa kanila. Pinutol ko ang kung ano mang koneksiyon ko sa kanila, kasama na roon ang pamilya ko, para hindi sila madamay pa sa komplikadong mundong ginagalawan ko.
Simula noon ay wala na akong balita sa kanila. Hindi ko alam kung natuloy ba ang kasal ni Claudian at ng kapatid ko dahil minabuti kong hindi sumagap ng balita.
I don't wanna hurt myself more.
Nagpakalayu-layo ako at natutong mamuhay nang mag-isa. Umalis ako ng bansa at nagtungo sa California. Doon ako ipinaglatuloy ang pagiging abogado at iwinaksi sa isip ang delikadong trabaho ko.
Ilang taon man ang lumipas ay nakakatanggap pa rin ako ng death threats. Buti na lang talaga at pribado akong tao, naprotektahan noon ang pamilya ko mula sa peligro.
Marami kasi akong kalaban dahil sa laging pagkakapanalo ko sa mga kasong hawak ko. Even some of the attorneys I knew envied me and how far I've come. Pero kadalasan ng mga nagagalit sa akin ay iyong mga natalo ko. The criminals who couldn't accept they lost and deserve to rot in jail and in hell.
"Atty. Fontana, your presence is needed in Atty. Romano's office." My secretary informed me.
Tumango ako at tumayo mula sa pagkakaupo ko sa swivel chair. I stormed out of my office and went to Atty. Alejandro Romano's office, the owner of the law firm I am working at.
I knocked on his door before I entered.
"I heard you needed my presence here, Attorney." Pormal na saad ko sa kagalang-galang na matanda.
"Yes. You see, Atty. Soriano cannot attend to his client due to personal matters. And I want you represent his client on court. You are one of the best attorneys here in my law firm and I know you can win this one. Don't worry, this isn't against your moral beliefs."
Hindi na ako nag-inarte pa at agad na tinanggap ang bagong trabaho.
Pagod akong umuwi sa bahay na tinitirhan ko. Ilang taon ko rin itong hinuhulugan hanggang sa mabayaran ko na ito ng buo at maipangalan na sa akin ang titolo ng bahay at lupa.
I was about to open the fridge when someone caught my arm and pinned me to the wall.
[ content warning: harassment, violence, and strong language ahead. read at your own risk. ]
"My, my, Ness Fontana." The man said.
He was wearing all black and a black mask on his face.
Kumalabog ang dibdib ko. I saw this one coming. Alam kong darating ang panahon at matutunton ako ng mga kalaban ko at maaring ipapatay ako. Inasahan ko na ito pero hindi ko pa rin maiwasang kabahan.
Hanggang dito na lang ba talaga ang buhay ko?
"Might as well pleasure myself before finally putting an end to your life." He murmured with an Irish accent.
"N-No!"
I screamed on the top of my lungs when he started to roam his filthy hands aroun my body.
"L-Let me go, maniac!" I wiggled and tried to get away from his hold but he was way too strong, I couldn't even move away even one step.
"You're pretty and you seem to be delectable." Bulong niya at dinilaan ang leeg ko.
Nagpumiglas ako pero napatigil lamang ako nang makatanggap ng sampal mula sa lalaki.
"Stay still you fucking slut!"
Napaupo ako sa sahig sanhu ng pagkalakas-lakas ng kaniyang pagsampal sa akin. He was about to remove his belt when the door opened.
Binaril siya sa paa noong taong pumasok. Dumaing ang manyak sa sakit.
"Let's go, Nessy!" Ang kararating na lalaking isinalba ako mula sa pagkakagahasa ay tinulungan akong tumayo.
Hindi ko maaninag ang mukha niya dahil lumalabo ang paningin ko dahil sa mga luhang rumaragasa.
"T-Thank y-you.." Huling sinabi ko bago tuluyang mawalan ng malay.
Dahan-dahan kong iminulat ang mga mata ko at bumungad sa akin ang kulay kremang kisame.
Sinubukan kong umupo pero may pumigil sa akin.
"Magpahinga ka muna."
Napantig ang tainga ko. It's been years since I last heard that language. It's unusual for someone to utter Filipino fluently in this foreign country, unless if he's Filipino.
Binalingan ko ng tingin ang lalaki at ganoon na lamang ang gulat ko nang makita ang mukha ng lalaking matagal ko nang pilit kinakalimutan.
"C-Claud?" Nanubig ang mata ko sa hindi inaasahang interaksiyon.
The man whom I left years ago is eight here in front of me, his eyes are telling me he's longing.
"Renesmee,"
Nakagat ko ang aking pang-ibabang labi. Tila ba'y naumid ang dila ko't hindi ko maibuka ang bibig ko upang magsalita, magtanong. I mentally slapped my face and composed my self before I finally had the courage to ask.
"Anong ginagawa m-mo dito?" Nanginginig na tanong ko.
Hindi niya ako sinagot, bagkus ay nanatili lamang siyang nakatitig sa mukha ko. Ngunit naputol ang titigan naming iyon nang biglang bumukas ang pinto at iniluwa nito ang babaeng miss na miss ko na.
"Ate," she called.
Tumayo si Claud at lumapit sa gawi ni Ranae. Hinalikan niya ito sa noo kung kaya't napa-iwas ako ng tingin. He then left room.
Lumapik sa'kin si Ranae at umupo sa kamang kinahihigaan ko.
"Ate, I'm sorry." She broke the silence with a sob. "I'm so sorry for being so selfish.." She cried.
"Hey.."
"No, I should apologise. Hindi ko man lang naisip ang mararamdaman mo sa pagkamakasarili ko." She cried. "When you left, everyone was devastated. Hindi ka namin mahanap. And there I realized that I must've hurt you with my selfishness. So I told Mom I'm cancelling my marriage with Claudian Aguirre."
"It hurt more when you left without a trace than him not choosing me. I was so used to having you by my side that when you left, I couldn't accept it."
"I let go of Claudian, but he was still with me and treated me like a little sister that I should be. Sinamahan niya akong mahanap saang sulok ng mundo. And I'm glad we found you.."
"I let go to avoid hurting myself more and the people around me. This is the art of letting go. Choosing someone's sake over mine."
We both cried that day and talked about a lot of things. Letting go is hard but for the sake of others, we are willing to let go of something or someone we love.
"Hindi kita hahayaang makawala pa sa akin, Renesmee. Hindi ko hahayaang mailagay sa peligro ang buhay mo. I'll protect you at all cost. I'm willing to sacrifice my life for you, baby." Claud as he kissed me.
Ito ang isa pang mukha ng pagpapaubaya. Handa niyang ipaubaya sa Kaniya ang buhay niya para lamang maprotektahan ako. Habang ang kapatid ko'y ipinaubaya sa akin ang lalaking mahal para lamang hindi ako masaktan at mawala sa piling niya.
The art of letting go is something that takes courage and acceptance. While Renae finally accepted the fact that Claud could never be hers, Claud had the courage to say he's more than willing to sacrifice his life for me. He accepted whatever will be his fate, just for my sake.
"I love you always, in all ways, my Captain Claudian Aguirre."
And this is my story. This is the art of letting go.