Perish
My mom died. She was declared dead on arrival.
Seconds. Minutes. Hours. Days. Weeks to months have passed... I'm still lifeless.
"Avi, kain na... Please naman, makinig ka naman sa'min." Ramdam ko ang nanunuyong bulong ni Via sa tabi ko.
I've been situated here in my bed for countless hours now since I lay last night. Malapit nang maghapon ulit at patapos na ang araw na water lang ang laman ng tiyan ko.
Finally... another infliction of the day will sink.
"Is she really asleep?" I heard someone whisper. I'm sure the girls were here. It was Rain's voice. The complete four of them. Of course, Mia was uncounted.
"Feeling ko. Look at her eyes, she seems not getting enough sleep. Baka sa araw lang talaga siya nakakatulog at hindi sa gabi." It was Rina's voice.
"Tapos bumalik pa siya dito sa condo... Does she have cash? Ayaw niya naman kasing magpatulong sa pagbayad," si Joana.
Via sighed dramatically. "What do we do with this lost girl."
I was pretending all asleep the moment I heard their footsteps at the back of the room. I appreciate the care they're pursuing since day one, but all I really want is to be just alone.
"She wakes up fast just by hearing small sounds. It's impossible she's still asleep now when we're continuously talking here. Ang feeling ko... She doesn't want and wishes for anyone now. It's not what she needed now. She wants to be alone..." sabi ni Rain.
Tama. Please hear what she said.
I feel like ang lakas- lakas ko sa taas ngayon kung ikukumpara sa gabing 'yon. He listened to my silent prayer dahil ilang sandali lang, lumabas na sila sa room ko after doing a little argument. Makulit kasi si Via and she wants to stay pero wala na rin namang nagawa.
I got out of bed to take a bath. I finished so quick dahil wala rin namang kabuhay- buhay ang katawan ko. I feel like a dead person who has still the ability to stand and walk.
"Mommy..." I'm crying again.
Am I a bad person to wish na sana iba nalang? Sobrang sakit... Hindi ko kaya na wala si Mommy. Hindi ko kaya na wala siya...
It would be better to suffer than to lose my mother. But she's already gone... I'm suffering now...
There's just not a thing I could think of... Even someone I need could wipe my pain. Kahit si Third... I just want my Mommy back.
Despite how different the most recent images of the set looked day by day until it became a month, I could still clearly remember the moment... I can still remember how I ran hopelessly in the hallway of the hospital as I pushed the wheeled stretcher where Mom was lying on. I didn't know... her heartbeat has stopped already.
"How could you?!" sigaw ko kay Daddy. I was fuming mad and hurt.
"How could you leave me?! Why didn't wait for me!" I was punching his chest while he was making me stop.
"Bakit hindi mo ako hinintay! You're so cruel! You didn't think of me-"
"How could I think of you, Avi? Huh?" He was now shouting back at me.
"Your mom..." He was crying, which doubles the pain I was suffering that I had to look at the side. "'Yung mama mo...'yung asawa ko. Duguan! What would you expect, huh?! Hintayin pa kitang makasakay ng sasakyan at pabayaang patuloy na masaktan ang Mommy mo?! Were you hearing yourself? Magalit ka pero ang asawa ko lang ang tumatakbo sa isip ko no'n. I badly need her alive because she was losing too much blood!"
Luhaan akong humarap sa kaniya. "Kahit na!"
His eyes turned dark. "What are you saying," gigil niyang sabi.
"Sana hinintay mo nalang ako, Daddy... Sana hinintay niyo nalang ako! If Mom was already dying-"
"You're out of your mind."
"No! It's true! It's the truth! If you only did wait for me... I-I could see... talk, kiss, and hug her one last time! You killed my chance!"
I covered my mouth to keep my sobs. "You didn't even think of it as my birthday present nalang..."
He eyed me the way he used to do when I'm confused about picking directions in life, including my program. Like I'm a fool, dumb... stupid.. that is not worth having as his child.
"I ride or let my wife die! Why can't you use your goddamn brain, Avianne?! What do you want me to do, huh? Unahin ko pa ang mararamdaman mo kaysa sa buhay ng Mommy mo?!"
His words were painfully right I hate admitting but it was just too painful for me to never see my mother on her last second and breath.
"That's what your problem is! You're sensitive heart and lack of mind!"
I sobbed more. I was hurting more.
Mabuti pa siya... He was there when Mommy died. Mayroon siyang babaunin... Pero.. paano naman ako?
What about me? The smile she gave me at her weakest moment haunts me every of my night. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't stand. I couldn't walk, talk, eat... I couldn't open my eyes without getting damp. I couldn't close my eyes without something falling on my cheeks.
I pointed a finger at Dad. "You!"
I'm not a pathetic bitch. Or maybe I am. But I've been wanting this to let out. I need it. "Wasn't it your goddamn fault! Your womanizing was the fucking reason why Mom was put in that situation! Kung sana hindi ka kumabit sa iba-"
"Stop," Dad warned me. "Never fucking go on that road, Avi."
Gustuhin ko mang matakot sa kung paano kaigting siya magsalita, hindi ko na magawa. I couldn't care more.
"You have no idea what you're talking about."
"You're right! I don't have any idea of how you fucked my boyfriend's mother and thanks to your negligence because you loosely killed your expecting daughter-"
A strong and loud slap had received my ever-unharmed cheek except for hot tears. My jaw tightened before looking at Dad's apologetic face.
"Honey..."
It insults me a lot. I usually hear the endearment from Mom.
"Don't you dare touch me with your filthy hands." I contained my voice to not scream, earning a menacing tone instead.
Dad shook his head while still trying to reach me. "Avi, no- please... I'm sorry. I'll tell everything to you... Please-"
Umiling ako. "Let's just forget each other now. I can no longer remember that you are my father." Luhaan akong tumalikod para lumabas ng hospital.
But then stopped halfway when I bumped into someone. Lalampasan ko na sana dahil wala ako sa mood mag- sorry pero nagulat ako... This someone suddenly pulled me to bury me in his chest, hugging me tightly.
"What the!"
"Hush."
I automatically stopped when I sniffed his familiar scent and heard his voice. I stopped, not because the hug could make me at peace, but because I was just too tired to fight back. I let Third hug me for we both don't know how long until he released himself from me.
"Babe." He tried to make me look at him by holding my chin. And because I was too tired, I just inanimately follow what he wants.
"What?"
His lips parted. His eyes were filled with confusion and... an apology.
"I'm sorry..."
Sorry. Sorry. Puro na lang sorry ang naririnig ko! I'm... so tired. And why he's sorry to me...
I sighed before gripping his hold on my chin to put it down. But he wouldn't let me go so I have to stare at him blankly.
Alam ko na agad. Pipigilan niya ako at ang situwasyon.
"Why..." he's hurting.
"Just let go."
He closed his lids tightly for a second before giving me a dangerous look.
"What's wrong? You're so unfair."
I blinked. The voice. The eyes. It's the same as what I saw in their house. Him... throwing constant punches at his Dad.
Natatakot ko siyang tiningnan sa mata, making him voluntarily remove his hand on my face as if he had been scorched. I distanced myself fast and am about to drift when he caught my arm again to stop me.
"Third."
"Babe... I'm sorry, please, I'm sorry..." I'm surprised I couldn't stop him. I wasn't expecting a moment. He just abruptly buried his face in my neck and cry there silently as he continues to whisper those words. My heart stings.
"Noah," I finally called na nagpahigpit ng yakap niya.
"Please, babe... Just please don't. I know what you're thinking. I know what you'll do..."
Napakagat ako nang mariin sa labi ko nang tuluyan na siyang humikbi. Suddenly, my tears were endlessly falling. I didn't know it's this hard to hear his cries.
"Don't break up with me. Let's forget everything."
Third retrieved his face back into the air to look seriously into my eyes. Our cheeks were both flowing with unshed tears.
"Let's leave the country."
I parted my lips and soon bit into it. Feeling ko hindi ako makatagal ng tingin sa kaniya. Masiyadong masakit...
How could he be so decisive when I am lost right now?
"Please, baby, let's forget what happened... Please, I love you so much, babe... I-I c-can't..." His voice croaked. "Please, I'm begging you. Let's make this work..." I've never seen him this desperate until now.
I shook my head as I closed my eyes. "Please, stop... you're making it worst."
Because I know.
I know a part of myself may eventually start to be tempted by all of his pleadings.
I know when I love.
Dahil konting pilit pa niya... my heart will melt. My heart will love him.
I stared at his eyes. I couldn't last when I saw those same pair of eyes. Hindi ko kaya. My heart can't... Everything changed. What happened changed everything. It isn't easy to just go back and forget about the lies. I love him but the love isn't enough to make the relationship stay. His love for me wasn't enough to fade my heartache away. The love I have for him was too painful if I continue. It isn't just dreamy anymore. It's not healthy at the moment.
"No, no... please baby, I love you. Please say you love me too... You're my strength..." I couldn't recognize his voice. It was a rattle and miserable. It was too much pain to hear.
I hardly closed my eyes. "It means a thing no more... It'll never restore Mommy's life."
Sumampa ako sa bed at nagtalukbong ng comforter. Hindi ko na kayang mabuhay. Araw- araw nalang akong pinapatay ng sakit. I just want this done. I want to escape. I want to get disapperaed. I want the world to swallow me. And how much I wanted to be so lost in this world of pain, I know I'm not allowed.
"Choose, Ms. Earhart. It's either you'll lose everything, or your Dad will be put behind bars."
Dad's attorney faced me never this serious.
I gulped. "Then I rather lose my life."
Kumibot ang kaniyang forehead. He was alarmed by my words at malinaw na hindi niya iyon gustong marinig sa akin.
"You just can't escape, iha. May I remind you how gifted you have your life-"
"Forget about it." I shook my head. "You picked it in the wrong way. I'll never do that. Same as I'll never let my father be put in jail. Gawan natin 'to way, attorney. Help us. Just like how we helped you and your family all these years. Hindi ko na kaya po kung pati si Dad ay mapapahamak. I'm saying I rather lose my wealthy life and renew everything again."
Fuck my Dad. Isa pa 'yon sa dumagdag na problema at sakit na dinaranas ko. Why would he fucking lie to me? To my mom? To us?
Puro na lang kasinungalingan! All lies! If mom wasn't shot by Tito Achelous, I wouldn't know na lubog na lubog na pala kami! That all these years, our company was only clinging and surviving because of the Vilienthal truss! With their money and power!
I partly have already known about this. But I didn't expect na ganito kalala! All I believe in was the business is failing, not failed! That we got up and came back from the loss. Pero hindi. The support that Vilienthal provides us is even worse than I thought!
The ongoing project of the branch Dad's working on wasn't successful as I imagined to! Wala siyang perang inilabas dahil lahat ay utang! Lahat ay galing sa hard cash and funds ng Vilienthal!
Matagal na kaming baon. And Dad was digging his graveyard all these fucking years. Our graveyard, to be exact. Ang kabilaang utang, failed investment, incompetent decisions, false trust.. were all coming back to him. To his face.
"What the fuck, Dad?!"
My voice echoed throughout the whole room. The guests quickly stood up and left the room. It was the second night of my Mom's wake.
"What other lie are you going to explain?!"
Four armed men were here a few minutes ago. Dad was busy attending to our relatives when I received the letter from the men who were also wearing black.
I thought it was just a simple letter at first that came from a socialist who was sending condolences for my mother's controversial death. Only to find out it was a death threat.
Oh, how wrong I was. The letter didn't come from a politician or any other socialists whatsoever! The armed men weren't ordinary civilians just like I assumed. They were perilous personnel from the underground business who do shady dealings, and where Dad's creditor passed a grievance to harass him and threaten my life!
"Why do you owe so much money to them?!"
"Didn't Third tell you our business was already failing?" He and his trivial explanation like it would answer everything!
I feel my head throbbing. Why are we having this right now right in front of my mother's casket? It was too much to process. Everything is too much on my plate. I no longer knew what to put in my mind...
"It was the reason why you guys are getting married! Nakalimutan mo na ba, Avi, ang kasalanan ko sayo!"
"Oh you stop, please! Alam ko! Pero hindi ganito, Dad! I never thought the worse you beyond did!"
I feel it. I'm a damsel in distress. I don't even know how my eyes could still produce never-ending tears.
"But you know it's the focal reason why you and Third are proceeding to marriage other than you two love each other back! Nakalimutan mo na? Huh?! Na kaya nandito pa rin tayo dahil sa kanila?"
Why is he throwing it at me? Ang kapal niya...
"Yes! We're breathing because of them! They are our life machine but not now! Dahil ngayon ay may atraso na rin tayo sa kanila! And it's because of your dirty affair! Nagkanda- letse- letse na ang lahat dahil sayo!" I shouted back.
"Hindi mo alam ang sinasabi mo, Avi. Huwag na huwag mo itong ibaling sa akin. Wala kaming relasyon ni Yelena! Fuck! It was a long time ago!"
"Oh right! Saying that to me when you are supposed to have your daughter!"
He frustratingly combs his hair. "Fuck! I told you matagal na! Hindi mo ba narinig, ha? It was a long time ago! Yelena came to me first before your Mom! Lilianne was my first love for fuck's sake!"
My jaw dropped. I can't believe the never-ending revelation. My mouth opened for something to say pero napalitan ito ng mahihinang hikbi.
Gusto kong tumakbo pero hindi ko magawa. I'm weak to even walk. I cupped my head and was about to fall on my knees but Dad caught me fast. He hugged me so tight while I cry on his chest.
"W-what are you saying... Why are you telling me... W-why?"
"It's true, baby. Please. You're approaching things incorrectly."
He is Dad. I want to believe. I believe...
We stayed in our position for a long time with Dad's small whispers and pleas, before I could speak.
"Why didn't you tell me soon enough..." My voice was shaking. "Does... Does that mean Mom knew?"
I felt Dad weakly nod under the top of my head, which made me cry even harder.
"She was there, remember? She knew everything... all of it. She was even the one who found out that I was having a daughter with Liliane back then right after we broke up. I didn't know... at siya lang ang nagsabi sa'kin. Nito ko lang din nalaman. I didn't have any idea how does your Mom discover it but that's it. That was the reason why we were also in the house that night. Liliane.. and I were having a heart-to-heart explanation while..."
It's getting hard and hard for Dad to speak. I felt his tears fall on me. "Claire was in the garden to give us space..."
Dad couldn't stop his tears.
"Your Mom... She was so patient and kind to me..." Nabasag ang voice ni Dad. "She was... I love Claire so much, Avi. It's also hard for me, please..." His hug secured me even firmer.
I received a kiss on my forehead. "Forgive me..."
I closed my eyes. Hardly. If Mama was only brave enough. If she just became honest and put the trust he has in her husband... Hindi sana ganito.
It could always go painful but the sequel would never take one's life.
"Avi, sweetheart..."
She was so persistent.
I have a good heart but I'm no saint. Hindi ako plastic para isipin kong masaya akong nandito si Mama. That her presence couldn't fire the burning emotions I have. It's just only a matter of respect, which Dad asked me to do.
"I'm sorry..." Mama was crying silently as she peeked into my beautiful mother against the glass who seemed like was just sleeping.
Hindi ko siya tinatapunan ng tingin kaya hinawakan niya ako sa shoulder para lumapit at siguro para mayakap ako. And I was right. She was about to even come closer and is about to hug me when I stopped her.
"Don't. Just please don't."
I can see in my peripheral vision how her face is torn into soreness while looking away to dry her ceaseless tears. She weakly nodded her head.
Nilingon niya ako saglit. "Avi... I'm sorry." She faced the casket again, steady this time. "Claire, I'm sorry. Y-you were so kind to me..." she sobbed.
I silently wiped my tear. I want to leave for a moment but my feet want the opposite. My mind wants to hear everything and stay put on beside her.
"I'm sorry for the pain I've caused you, I know... You usually say you're okay with the set- up but I still often notice that you're just lying." She humorlessly chuckled. It was more of hurting.
"I've already mastered your tenderhearted eyes..." I wonder then if they were really closed back then. "I know, Avi got that one too..."
Medyo nagulat ako sa narinig kaya nakatingin ako nang humarap si Mama sa'kin.
"I can pretty tell she is very mad at me."
I was about to avoid the gaze but she did it first. She came calmer now.
"The pain and conscience murder me every time but I perfectly know how it came all from me and back to me... how I deserve it. It just wrecks in more ways to think how I lost another daughter... I want to promise you I'd take care of Avi but I'm convinced she wouldn't ever let me... and I understand. All I could do is to give her the space she always asks for, and I hope it'll help her heal for a time... I'll wait until then."
How? Just how she could still talk so lovely? I want to shout but then the pain would always stop me. It only wants to listen.
"You always want peace and the best for our kids. I'm sorry I didn't pay well attention to your advice... I'm s-sorry I wasn't brave enough to face my own husband. If only I-I did talk to him early..."
She sobbed again. She was back to being vulnerable with her sloppy words. "I d-don't know now... It was too late for everything. I'm so sorry, Isabella... I'm not as good as you. I always lack as a mother... I'm sorry about our children. I'm sorry they have to receive this. These were all to me. I'm sorry I ruined everything. I'm sorry. I ruined my son and Avi."
That was the last part I want to hear. Paalis na ako para umupo na muna, when Mama was eager enough to frame me again lightly and stopped me.
"Avi, I'm so sorry..." Her face was so hopeless with tears. "I'm sorry... Please, what can I do."
I slowly removed her hand from me. I don't know how I did it calmly even though I wanted to pull her out of this place.
"As you said, I only want space. You distance yourself from me and my Dad now. That's what can you do. Don't worry, you still could go to the funeral." I walked out leaving her to gape and for her eyes to form another glob of tears.
Four days had passed until it was time for my mother to officially say goodbye. Our relatives, my grandparents, and all of my girlfriends were there. Lucas was there. Third was also there beside her mom. I couldn't look at them, though.
I looked up. It was so peaceful. The weather is nice, making me question the commentary.
Is Mom wasn't crying up there in heaven? It wasn't raining. It was a pleasant day.
Inabutan ko ng white flower si Lola. My mommy's mother. She was silently crying on my Lolo's shoulder. Tinanngap niya ang white rose.
"Avi, iha... come with us. We'll take care of you... Leave your useless son of a bitch father-"
"Lola!"
I checked everyone in the place, bothered to hear our conversation but the commiserative visitors seemed very focused on how emotional they are, too.
It isn't the right time for my grandparents to unlatch their issues with my father. Not at my mom's funeral!
"What?!" she hissed. My grandmother's true colors were slowly revealing.
"Please. Can you just be kind for once and respect Mom?"
"You little witch," Lolo fussed. He was now facing me darkly while keeping his wife on the side. "Don't you dare speak to your Lola like that. Manang- mana ka talaga sa suwail mong ama!"
"He's right. Kami na nga itong nagmamalasakit sayo, apo, because of your sorry excuse of a father!" Lola was back again, but this time she was crying audibly.
"Your father! He killed my Isabella Claire... My daughter..." Humarap siya kay Lolo. "Anwyll... ang anak natin... Please, don't let your granddaughter get condemned too by his son of a bitch father-"
I was already boiling inside but keeping my morale still. I respect how vulnerable are they right now. I understand how miserable they are to say such things... pero hindi iyon sapat na dahilan para ipabor sa kanila ang nangyayari.
The problem is they will still vilify my father because of their personal issues. Because up until now, they haven't still moved on from the fact na tinalikuran sila ni Mom para kay Dad.
"Beware of what you say. You don't know my father." My eyes were daggers to them.
Lola faked a laugh. "You're crazy, iha. What do we not know about your great father, huh? From the beginning, I knew exactly how Mitchell Luis work his brute brain! He trapped my daughter! He's the one who broke the relationship your lolo and I had with Claire!"
Hindi ko na napigilan. "You're sulking about something you brought upon yourself, 'La."
I gave each of the oldies a powerful glare. "Have you already forgotten how Mom despises you two so badly because of how you treated her as garbage like someone who wasn't allowed to control her own life? Someone who's confined to deciding on her life? Something a good parent wouldn't treat to their own child?" I sarcastically smirked. "You're the one who's crazy here, Lola."
Her eyes were threatening, but I wasn't taken aback. Kung galit siya, mas galit ako.
Grandmother was about to slap me when Tito Miguel advanced so fast in our direction and stopped Lola's arm in the air.
"Ma! Tumigil na kayo." Tito Miguel was so strict in the last word.
Lumingon si Tito sa paligid, only to find out that some were already watching us. "Mahiya nga kayo. Dito pa talaga sa libing ni ate, Ma, Pa?"
At first, nanghihina at nahihirapan akong tinitigan ni Lola. As fast as I expect, inirapan niya ako pagkatapos bago siya hinila ni Lolo paalis. "You'll regret this."
I arched a brow.
I will not.
When I finally had the wanted space against my grandparents, humarap ako kay Tito para mag- thank you. He patted my back and kissed my forehead before walking back to his seat. I then unconsciously turned to the side and saw Third watching me with a grim line on his lips. It took fast for me to ignore him, passing over his sight.
I heaved a powerful sigh upon remembering what really happened before seconds came to minutes. Minutes became an hour. An hour to a day. Day to week. How all of this came to a month. It was all perished.
Only my reflection interrupted nang tumunog ang doorbell ng condo. I palmed my face, heaving already the hint of who was it.
I tied my hair up in a bun before facing the repeated person behind the door.
"You don't deserve this, Third. Please, go."
As I often tell him every time he comes here.
Nasasaktan pa'rin ako kapag nakikita ka...
I'm hurting. And you keep hurting yourself too, Third. Tumigil ka na. Mas nasasaktan pa ako lalo para sa'yo. Your process.. it isn't good. Not doing any good... a bit.
He lazily gave me a small smile before I closed the door for the nth time I lost count.