⚠️depression; low self esteem; sleepless nights⚠️
I woke up and looked at my clock- 3:30 A.M it blinked. I sighed sitting up and rubbing the sleep from my eyes. I had gone to bed at twelve so about three and a half hours of sleep tonight. Usually it was four, but this would do. I pulled my robes on and walked out of my dorm to find the astronomy tower. I let out a shaky breath as I reach the top. I inhale the morning scent and looked out over the misty mountains.
"Odd seeing you here this early", Dumbledore said coming to stand next to me.
"To you as well professor", I smiled lightly flicking my wand, but no patronus came out.
"Why are you awake?" he asked looking at me with twinkling eyes.
"Why aren't you dead?", I asked. I had been seeing Albus in my insane state of insomnia. He hummed and started down the stairs. I laughed half heartedly as he left. I took my sketchbook out and started to draw. A drawing I had been working on for hours before was finally starting to have form that wasn't just lines. Cold black feathers and sharp features of a raven with a skull formed onto the paper. I watched as a large black raven landed onto the railing.
"Hello", I said reaching my arm out. "It's a bit cold for you this time of year", I hummed as it flew onto my hand. I took a pice of fabric from my satchel that was sus usually used to lay on my lap when I drew in the cold, but instead I wrapped it over the bird. It leaned into my side as I looked off the tower of Hogwarts. Minutes turned into an hour and an hour into tow as it turned from two to three hours the raven awoke and stood from my side. I stroked it's head as the fabric fell to its side. He looked up at me and then took flight. I sighed looking at my watch before realizing I had missed a few minutes of first period, meaning potions. I sighed getting up and walking to the staircase. I climbed down staring at my sketch of the bird and skull, but now there were potions bottles and a wand with asphodel and roses surrounding it. I gulped and shook my head. I didn't matter. Right now I was late I needed to get there.
"Miss (l/n) so glad to see you blessed us with your presence", Snape spat as I entered. I didn't want to deal with him so I sat by my usual partner and listened through half opened eyes. I subconsciously started to doodle plants on my paper. Wormwood and sparrows filled the margins. Yew berries and frons started to form and I sighed as Snape's head snapped over to me as people were leaving. "Inability to listen and tardiness Miss (l/n)", he said in a low voice, "ten points from (y/h) and detention at eight tonight do not be late", he said staring at my paper. He stared at the Yew and I snatched it not knowing if he knew the language or not. On my way to other classes I tried to avoid death eaters but ran into Bellatrix. She stared me down. I quickly flicked my wand and rush formed around my feet. She sneered and let me pass. I entered the room of requirement and went to a corner me and Neville had turned into a place for plants. Mine however were messages instead of infatuation. I drew in a shaky breath as I attend to the wormwood.
"Detention?" Neville asked standing next to me. I nodded and he stared at the plant. "Snape again?" he reached for his peonies and watered them. I smiled lightly before going to one of the many hammocks and laying down to sleep until detention.
I was awoken by Neville shaking me and telling me I had half an hour to beat and death eaters to the dungeons. I smiled taking my satchel and heading to the door. Ginny took my arm and looked at me. "Be careful", she said.
"Honey I'm full grown I can handle myself", I said walking to the door. I opened the door and headed to the dungeons just wanting this day to end. I kept my wand drawn as I walked shutting my eyes as I walked through the dying light. I entered the classroom and sat in the back waiting for the professor. I started to draw in my sketchbook working on the raven drawing. I added shading to the skull before the door burst open and slammed shut. Snape rushed to his desk and sat down. It was a few minutes past eight.
"Sir?" I asked concern creasing my face. His face snapped up to stare at me, "is everything alright?"
"That is none of your business Miss (l/n). Anyways you shall be reorganizing the supply closet", he said his tone telling me other things must have gone wrong. I left my papers of doodles and my sketchbook on my desk before going into the closet. I started by removing everything and then putting it back into its respected places. I found some pre-brewed happy potion. It's kinda like an antidepressant. I turned it over in my hands.
"I wouldn't recommend it", Snape's deep voice came from behind me, "the effects never last", he added in a more hushed tone. I hummed in response and set it carefully on a shelf that had an H in front of it.
Snape POV
I watched her closely. She set viles down with delicate fingers. I watched her every move until she held a vile of happy potion. I knew that look- she wanted it. I quickly told her no before going back to my desk. Ten minutes of boredom later I went to her desk seeing a drawing of a raven surrounded by potions, a wand, a skull, and what appeared to be asphodel and roses. Of what colour I couldn't say. Upon seeing her class doodles my heart broke for the poor creature in my supply closet. Yew berries covered the paper. I looked down moving the first parchment to the side and seeing the next filled with wormwood and sparrows.
"Oh professor", she stopped as she looked at me holding a vile, "never mind I figured it out", she said before going back into the closet. I went and decided things then. This time to talk to someone I know will listen.
(Y/n) POV
As I had started to find an end to the pile I felt someone walk into the small closet behind me. I stopped my hand still in the air as two arms wrapped around my middle and the person buried their face into the crook between my shoulder and my neck. My senses were filled with the scent of ink and parchment, with petrichor and burning wood. I inhaled deeply and pulled a pice of chocolate from my robes. I tapped the white hands in front of me and pressed it into his palm. He lifted his head to stare at me.
"How will this help?" Snape sounded a little hurt.
"Chemical reaction sir", I said.
"Severus please- you aren't in a class at the moment", he responded pulling himself back to his intimidating height.
"Well Severus", I said turning the new word over in my mouth, "do you know the Victorian Language of Flowers?" I asked pursing my lips praying he didn't.
"Yes- think back to your first class with me. What did I say to mister Potter?" he asked and I stared at him.
"I deeply regret Lily's grave", I breathed. He gave a short nod. I felt blush creep up the back of my neck and onto my face. "So you saw the yew?" I asked looking down.
"Why do you have sorrow?" he asked. I closed my eyes and took in a sharp breath. I just took a step forward and clasped my arms around my professor. He tensed for a quick moment before wrapping his arms around me and bending to my hight.
"Sorry I'm sorry", I said letting go, "sorry I just".
"No need to apologize I understand", he said soothingly. I looked around the room and decided I didn't really want to go back to the ROR. I took parchment and wrote a short note to the rest of the people in the ROR.
I can't come back yet. Coast isn't clear. Don't worry I found a place to hide. (N/N)
I tied a blue violet to it and looked for some way to send it. Severus looked at me and quickly turned into a raven. "So it was you", I hummed running my hand over his glossy black feathers. He let out a begrudged squawk and I tapped his beak. I tied the note to his leg and sent Severus out the window. He came back a few minutes later with traveler's joy in his beak. I took it and he turned back to his normal self. I let out a happy sigh and settled back into the closet and began to organize again.
"Do you remember", I said quietly, "when Fred and George set off a dung bomb and it landed in my cauldron?" I said a small laugh escaping me as a thunder storm rolled in.
"I believe I gave them three days of detention for that one", Snape hummed from his desk. My smile broadened as anthems of thunder rolled through the mountains.
"Or when Hermione had to use a spell to dry me off after coming in from care for magical creatures", I said setting the last vile in the Z slot and leaning in the door frame.
"I gave Grubbly Plank a word after that", Severus said. I walked to one of the windows in his room and looked out.
"You know it's so beautiful it doesn't even look like there's a war going on", I said staring out of the glass. I smiled thinking about how much has changed. My smile dropped thinking about last year.
"Severus?" I asked still staring.
"Yes?" he returned walking up behind me. I reached back and pulled his arms over my shoulders so his head was on top of mine.
"Why was Albus so...... insufferable?" I asked holding onto one of his pale hands.
"What do you mean?" his low velvet voice came.
"I mean. Look. He raised Harry to die- he tried to kill his little brother and his best friend. Now he manipulated you and...", I paused waiting to see his reaction. Severus didn't move or speak for a moment.
"I know... he just was", Severus said. Stopping and not saying anything for a while. "I think I'm going to say goodnight", he said starting to walk away.
"Severus I can't go back at this time", I said looking to a clock. He watched me as I moved to pack up my satchel. My hand rested on the door knob when he spoke.
"I'll take the couch", he said.
"Ummmmm about that you may want the bed", I said rubbing the back of my leg with my foot. He stared at me and walked to a small dark wooden door and waited for me to follow. I walked into a lounge room with a large fireplace and dark walls. A large green couch sat in between tow large solid bookshelves. My eyes traveled to a small kitchen. Severus grabbed my hand and lead me to the couch. I fell into the soft velvet and immediately was comfortable.
"Do you want anything or drink, tea?" he asked getting up from beside me.
"Yeah tea sounds great", I smiled as he went to the kitchen and handed me a cup and saucer. I guess he's a lot nicer then what people peg him out to be. I thought no (y/n) don't get ahead of yourself. And he's a teacher you can't just go around and have a crush on one. Severus spit his tea out a little as the last thought entered my head. "Oh you Damn Legilimens", I laughed hitting him lightly with a pillow.
"You can't blame me", Severus said cowering behind his teacup.
"Well I would rather you not dabble in my thoughts and memories- and darling my mind cane be very dark", I said finishing off my cup. "Only when I say it's alright", he nodded and stared off into space.
"Well if it means anything to you I like you too", he said. I smiled looking out the window.
"You know what Severus", I smiled lightly. "I think for the first time in a long time. I'm actually tired- in a way I think sleep will help", I said. "So would you mind sharing the bed?" I asked trying to make light of my question. I turned my head to see Snape trying to hide his blush.
"Y-yes", he stuttered. I smiled and walked off to what I guessed would be the bedroom. When he came out he threw a black dress shirt at me and pointed to a door I guessed was the bathroom. I went in and got changed. The shirt reached down my thighs and the sleeves past my hands. I folded my other clothes and came out. Severus was blushing uncontrollably.
"What?" I asked making my way to the door I suspected was the bedroom. Severus was trying to get the blush to go away but only seemed to get more flustered. He had on a black t-shirt with black and grey plad pajama pants. I smiled lightly and climbed into the bed on the side I could tell he didn't use. He stood in the doorway as I snuggled under the covers my eyes starting to close. He just laughed a little and went to go sleep on the couch.
(Time skip a few hours)
Water flooded around me as my dad came forth from a wall of fire. "Useless bitch!" he yelled. The black water spit me out onto a beach were he stood and grabbed me by the neck. My mom sat there laughing- maniacal laughed escaped both of them.
"You call yourself a witch. You idiot. You cunt. You slut", she screeched. I was sobbing as my one father's grip tightened.
"Y/n!" it was Severus. I sat bolt up and brought my knees to my chest as tears steamed down my face. I rocked as he sat on the bed picking me up and holding me in his lap. He held my head against his chest while the other arm was wrapped around me, "you're alright- I've got you. Calm down you're ok", he said in a low voice. I shut my eyes and held onto his shirt. "This is why you don't sleep?" he asked looking at me. I nodded. "It was only dream it will be ok", he reassured me. I nodded again as he laid me back down. I grabbed onto his shirt and stared up at him.
"Stay", I said in a quiet voice, "please?"
"Of course", he smiled lightly pulling himself under the covers with one arm around my waist.