*trigger warning - panic attack second half of the chapter.
Snow still laid settled on the ground midday on January 16th. Ophelia was stood waiting by the large entrance doors. Leaning against the frame she watched as a few small snowflakes continued to fall, unaware someone had joined her side.
"Waiting for your insufferable marauder chums?"
"Hello Severus." Ophelia could recognise that waspish voice anywhere.
"McGonagall."
"To answer your question, yes I am. Them and the girls. Why are you here?"
"Just passing." Severus practically groaned the two words out.
"Why are you really here?"
"Be careful around those Marauders, McGonagall." Severus spoke in a whisper that was laced with venom.
"Sorry?" Ophelia decided to turn and face Severus after his sudden statement.
"Are you incapable of hearing?"
"Severus stop with the bitterness for once and tell me what you mean?" It was rare for Ophelia to even raise her voice slightly, but the way Severus liked to speak in riddles was frustrating her more and more.
"Just that they're dangerous, maybe one more than the others."
"FIFI!" A toddler like yell caused Ophelia to abruptly turn away from Severus.
"Oi Snivellus, get your greasy hair away from her." Sirius came into view.
"Sirius! I'm so sorry Sev-" Ophelia turned around to look for Severus, only to see his billowing coat swish out of sight around a corner. "Sirius why would you say that!"
"It's less than what he deserves." Sirius shrugged. "Hi Fi."
"Hello Sirius." Ophelia gave the boy a quick hug before feeling another pair of arms join her.
"You can't hug without me!" James squeezed the pair in his arms, earning a groan from Sirius and a chuckle from Ophelia.
"Hi JamJam." Ophelia breathed out the words with a struggle due to the prolonged hug.
"Let her breathe James." Remus appeared beside them. "Hi Fi." That perfect smile graced his face once he locked eyes with Ophelia's.
"Hiya Rem."
"Fi!" Peter scrambled up the last few steps and engulfed Ophelia into a large hug.
"Hi Pete. Thank you so much for my gift, I've eaten so many already."
"You're welcome." The boy shuffled slightly on his feet, a mix of nervousness and pride.
"Move out the way boys, let us see our bitch!" That familiar raucous voice broke the crowds walking up the stairs apart.
"Marls!" Ophelia moved away from the boys and ran towards Marlene. These girls had her entire heart and they had taught her what a true friendship was.
"Group hug?" Lily spoke from the side of Marlene.
"Please!"
"Right I am starving, I'm going to head to the hall for lunch." Dorcas broke free from the hug first to declare her hunger.
"Me too." Lily grabbed onto Dorcas' hand and began to walk up the final few steps. "You three coming?"
"Of course!" Marlene yanked onto Ophelia's arm and pulled her upward.
"Oh I missed you Marls. I missed all of you." Ophelia spoke aloud, not particularly caring if the others heard or not.
"We missed you too." Alice took hold of Ophelia's spare arm and linked it with her own.
The group of girls headed to the Great Hall for the buffet lunch and took their usual seats a few up from the Marauders. Some mindless chit chat about their Christmas breaks ensued and Ophelia tried her hardest to keep concentration on them. Yet the looming thoughts of the day to come tomorrow just couldn't seem to leave her mind.
"Are you ok Fi?" Ophelia looked up from her trance to see Lily looking softly but concerned at her.
"Yeh, just thinking." A reassuring smile formed on Ophelia's face, to try and mask how she was feeling, but her fingers continued to tap on the table. Lily reached across the table and clutched onto Ophelia's fidgeting hand.
"I've missed you." Lily wasn't silly, she knew Fi wasn't okay, but she wouldn't push her for answers either.
"I've really missed you Lils." Ophelia was beyond relieved to have Lily back and so thankful that Lily had grasped her hand in that moment.
"What about me Lily flower, did you miss me?" James had scooted himself in between Ophelia and Marlene to face Lily.
"Bugger off Potter." Lily rolled her eyes then returned to eating her food.
"Did you have a nice Christmas Fi?" James returned to his usual self, even after the rejection.
"Actually it was lovely thank you. Did you?"
"The best."
"Fi he wouldn't stop telling Mia about you. Fi is so lovely, Fi pranked us, Fi this, Fi that." Sirius chimed in from a few seats down.
"Sounds like you have a crush on me JamJam." Ophelia nudged James stomach with her elbow playfully.
"You couldn't get me even if you tried. Plus I only have eyes for my Lily flower."
"Serious Potter, go. You're driving me nuts already, this must be a new record." Lily didn't even raise her head but Ophelia was sure she could spot a light blush appearing on her cheeks.
"Ok ok." James held his hand up in mock surrender and climbed from the bench. "Fi, I will see you later because I need your ideas for a prank."
"See you later James."
After an hour of gossip, chatter and a delicious finger buffet, the lunch was over. Everyone began to stand to return to their common rooms, creating little groups of people to talk with on the journey back. There was one person Ophelia really wanted to speak to still. There was no reason in particular, she just felt a need.
"Rem, can I walk with you?" Ophelia spotted the Marauders preparing to leave the hall.
"Oh, yeh of course." Remus tried to suppress a smile forming on his face, but failed. The remaining three marauders continued to mess about rather than actually leave the hall, so Ophelia and Remus began to walk.
"Did you have a good Christmas?"
"It was ok, I wasn't too well on the days leading up to it but I managed to have some fun. What about you?" Remus stuffed his hands into his trouser pockets, a habit he does when relatively nervous.
"It was amazing, Hogwarts is stunning at Christmas. Are you feeling better now?" Ophelia lifted her head up to reach Remus' level. Something Remus must have intuitively felt because he turned his head to reach Ophelia's gaze. Both came to a halt when their eyes met.
"Thanks to you." Remus breathed out the words in almost a whisper.
"Pardon?" Ophelia looked to Remus with confusion.
"Sorry, that came out wrong." Remus felt flustered in that moment, he wasn't entirely comfortable at how easy words came out of his mouth when around Ophelia. "Your tea gift, I know I sent you an owl to thank you, but I didn't tell you how much it helped me, the chamomile really does soothe you. So thank you."
"Oh, that's ok. I'm glad you liked it though. Have you found a tea in there you liked?" The pair continued to walk after their brief moment of intensity.
"Quite enjoyed the chocolate chai."
"Oh, I haven't tried that one, that's one the tea sommelier recommended for you from my mood board."
"Mood board?"
"Yeh, I sent him a mood board of things about you. Like, photos of books because you love books and of course chocolate." Ophelia spoke with so much happiness that Remus could practically feel it radiating from her.
"Wait, so you created a mood board about me?"
"Oh gosh now you say it like that it kinda sounds obsessive and creepy." Ophelia grabbed on to the end of her plait and began to twist it in her finger for some sort of comfort from the embarrassment.
"No, not at all. I'm just amazed at how kind you are." Remus wanted so much to grab Ophelia's hand to stop her nervous fidgeting but couldn't bring himself to create the physical contact. That would be creating a bond he wasn't ready to create. It was exactly why he hadn't brought himself to hug her like the others did.
"Oh, it was nothing. I honestly enjoyed choosing your gift. I love seeing how happy someone is, it makes me happy."
"Now I feel worse for not getting you a gift." Remus removed one hand from his pockets to scratch the nape of his neck.
"Don't be. You weren't to know I was to get you a gift and if you did only buy one for me because I bought you a gift, it wouldn't be the same." Ophelia turned back to Remus once they climbed through the portrait hole, only to see he didn't look soothed by the response. "Rem I promise I don't mind, I'm not a fan of gifts anyway. You did me a favour."
"Why don't you like receiving gifts?"
"No reason, I'll see you later Rem." Ophelia offered that usual bright smile to Remus before turning to head up the stairs to her dorm.
There were a few reasons Ophelia struggled with the concept of receiving gifts. For starters, all gifts she had ever received before usually had 'strings attached'. This could be for promoting their product, a gift in return for helping someone out, a gift in return for meeting the Montgomery's 'expectations'. Gifts made Ophelia feel like she was not being accepted for who she was but rather for our accomplishments and her uses. Receiving gifts became tinged by the continuing need to perform and excel.
However since leaving the Montgomery's something else made Ophelia fear gifts; it was a fear of intimacy. Receiving creates connection. By Ophelia giving gifts it allowed to keep people distant and most importantly her heart defended. A constant fear of things going wrong loomed over her and it was hard to ignore that fear.
Thankfully, Ophelia hadn't told anyone what day it was tomorrow so there was no need to fear this intimacy again.
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Down in the Gryffindor common room there is a small window nook that looked over into the clock tower courtyard. When the common room was silent enough, you would be able to faintly make out the sound of the clock chimes once it reached a new hour.
Knees tucked up to her chest, Ophelia sat with her cheek pressed against the window pane. Other than the faint crackle and hiss from the open fireplace, the common room was silent. It seemed everyone was exhausted by the hustle and bustle from the return to school and they'd all headed to bed earlier than Ophelia expected. Although, Ophelia was pleased by this; it meant she could 'mope' alone.
Ding. Dong.
Ophelia lifted her cheek away from the glass to the first sound of metal striking.
Ding. Dong.
A deep breath left Ophelia's mouth on the second chime, one she hadn't realise she had been holding.
Ding. Dong.
That previous long breath was now long forgotten and filled with several rapid breaths.
Ding. Dong.
"It's. Just. Another. Year." Ophelia tried to reassure herself between breaths.
Ding. Dong.
Reassurance was not working. It was starting to get hotter and hotter in the common room. Like a sauna you couldn't escape from.
Ding. Dong.
Short images seemed to pop into her head. Reminding her of previous January 17th's.
Ding. Dong.
"I'm. Still. Here." Ophelia patted the cushions beneath her. Reminding her she was still here. Still grounded.
Ding. Dong.
Each chime seemed to get louder. Louder than they had ever been before.
Ding. Dong.
It was mocking her. The bells were mocking her. Why else would they become so loud?
Ding. Dong.
Funny how one date can affect someone so much.
Ding. Dong.
There was no escaping this.
Ding. Dong.
The final strike. Ophelia needed fresh air and fast.
Pushing herself out of the window nook, Ophelia felt a wave of dizziness hit her suddenly. Trying her hardest to ignore it though, she stumbled the few metres towards the portrait door. With a push that was much more effort that normal, Ophelia felt the cold air of the castle hit her face. It wasn't enough though.
"Who is waking me up already?" The Fat Lady whispered in song to the darkness. Ophelia sprauchled into view. "Oh hello dear, what keeps you up at this hour? You do realise you'll be in trouble if caught." The Fat Lady continued to try and warn Ophelia, but to no avail.
Meanwhile Ophelia continued to walk, or rather fall, further away from the Gryffindor tower to no destination in particular. The sang warnings from the Fat Lady were unheard over the rapid breaths Ophelia was taking.
Ophelia needed silence. But the castle seemed overwhelming loud. Yet there was nobody there. No creaks of stairs. No hallway conversations. No laughter. Just Ophelia and her desperate attempts to breathe.
The air began to thicken as Ophelia turned a corner. It felt like she was drowning. Drowning in air where she was unable to swim up for breath. Were her lungs even still inside her? They certainly felt like they had left.
The muscles in Ophelia's body strained. The thoughts in her head turned from panic to a dizzy confusion.
A wall, that was what Ophelia needed. Her hands managed to find the stone. Lack of air drove her to start gasping. Breathing like all the oxygen had been stolen from the air.
Then her legs turned to jelly. Everything slowed. Even sound. Ophelia was losing control. Nausea crept from her stomach to her head. With one last attempt to grasp onto the wall; she crumpled like a puppet suddenly released of their strings.
The world went black.
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Hi! Firstly I've had a hell of a good few days with Panacea. For starters I hit 7k reads on the 27th. Then on the 29th, I some how reached number 1 on the 'Gryffindor' hashtag as well as number 2 on 'Potterhead'. How it works I have no idea but god am I grateful ❤️
Finally I had this incredible cover art sent to me by the amazing LionWitch22 - just wow!
Thank you all so much for the continued support on Panacea. I honestly didn't expect to ever have readers as such, I know I've said it before but I really mean it! All I did was decide to write my crazy nighttime ideas down! It's hard but I love it. X