Vannessa had never felt the same nervousness in her entire life. Kakaiba ang kabang nararamdaman niya sa mga oras na 'yon. Marahil hindi niya madalas ginagawa ang bagay na 'yon; ang bumisita sa isang binata upang humingi ng tawad.
Gusto niyang tumakbo at umaktong hindi siya nito nakita at walang nangyaring ganoon sa araw niya ngunit nang makita niya ang binatang naglalakad papunta sa direksyon niya ay naestatwa siya sa kanyang kinatatayuan. The only thing that she was left to do was to gather up her courage, and remind herself to draw lines on the sand and respect those lines. She didn't want to repeat the same mistakes that she made.
She reminded herself to see Jax not as a man but as a person because she knew that her prejudice against men was still there, and it was hard to take away.
Malalalim ang kanyang mga hininga habang sinusundan niya ito ng tingin. Pakiramdam niya'y mauubusan siya ng hangin nang huminto ito sa kanyang tapat bago nagsalita. "Maayos na ba ang pakiramdam mo?"
Natigilan si Vannessa sa ibinungad na tanong nito sa kanya. Napayuko siya't napakagat sa kanyang labi. After everything that she said and she did, the first thing that he did was to ask her if she was already feeling well. He didn't ask why she was there. He didn't ask how she knew about his address. No. He asked if she was fine.
Pagkatapos ng lahat ng ginawa niya'y inaalala pa rin siya ng binata.
She bit her lip, and forced herself to breathe deeply in an attempt to ease the nervousness she was feeling even just for a little bit. "You're being too good to me." I do not deserve it, she wanted to add, but she bit her lower lip instead.
Tumango ang binata, nakangiti nang tipid. "I admire you," he said. Napalunok si Vannessa sa narinig at kaagad naramdaman ang malakas na pagkabog ng dibdib nang dahil doon. Ramdam na ramdam niya ang panginginit ng kanyang tenga at ang titig nito sa kanya. "I admire your courage."
Tumalikod ito sa kanya pero kaagad din siyang tiningnan pabalik. "Pasok ka," aniya. "You have been traveling for too long."
She just nodded before following him with her small steps. She could still feel the pounding of her heart against her chest.
Hindi na yata iyon mawawala hangga't kasama niya ang binata.
Kaagad siyang sinalubong ng ngiti ni Bee pagkaapak na pagkaapak niya sa gate ng bahay. Sinuklian din niya ito ng sinserong ngiti pabalik.
Bee was pretty with her soft features. She was even prettier up close. Hindi niya masabing magkamukhang-magkamukha ang magkapatid kasi ang hugis ng mga mata lamang ang pagkakapareho ng mga ito. Nang makita niya sa sala ang litrato ng ina ng mga ito ay kaagad niyang napagtantong si Bee ay nagmana sa nanay nilang dalawa.
Vannessa took a moment to stare at Jax when he wasn't looking. Nililinis kasi nito nang bahagya ang iilan sa mga gamit na nagkalat sa sala ng bahay.
She knew that he was a product of an affair when she let Venice investigate on him, but she did not bother knowing whose son he was, but his dad was a businessman. He would be considered as a son that had been hidden in the shadows.
There was no way that she could confirm, but she felt like Jax probably inherited more features from his dad than he did from his mom.
"Upo ka." Natigil siya sa pag-iisip nang marinig itong magsalita. Marahan siyang iginiya ni Jax paupo sa sofa kung saan nakaupo na rin ang kapatid nito.
When their arms brushed against one another, Jax immediately said an apology, as if it was something that he shouldn't do even when it was unintentional.
Vannessa, once again, felt bad.
"It's okay." Their eyes met, and she let out a sincere smile. "No need to apologize," she added.
It took Jax a whole second to nod and smile back. "I don't want you to feel uncomfortable," he replied.
Hindi alam ni Vannessa kung ano ang dapat na itugon sa sinabi ng binata kaya muli na lamang siyang ngumiti at bumitiw ng tingin.
Her eyes landed on Bee who was sitting beside her and who was staring at her with immense curiosity in her eyes. "Hi, ate," nauna nitong pagbati habang nakangiti.
Muling nagtama ang mga mata nilang dalawa ni Jax. He smiled at her before motioning towards the kitchen, implementing that he was going to prepare for something. She nodded before looking back at the girl who was sitting beside her.
"Ilang taon ka na?"
"17."
Hindi niya alam pero nag-iwan iyon ng pait sa kanyang lalamunan nang kanyang marinig ang naging tugon ng dalaga.
She did not want to appear sad in front of her even when she felt sad, truly. Alam niyang ayaw rin ng dalagang kaawaan siya. And if Vannessa were in her situation, she would've felt the same. Acting like everything was normal would be the bare minimum that she could do as she knew that she already knew, and that she need not emphasize it further.
Bee was so young. Vannessa could still remember the things that she did when she was at her age. Even her sister, Venice, had slipped into her mind.
Alam niyang hindi madali ang sitwasyong kinahaharap ng pamilya ni Jax, lalong-lalo na si Bee. Bee was supposed to be having fun and enjoying her teenage years, but instead, she was there, the color from her eyes slowly wearing away, and Vannessa knew that she wasn't supposed to be that thin and that pale.
Life was cruel that way.
Vannessa let out a smile. "I'm 24 at ako nga pala si Vannessa," sabi niya. "Ate Vannessa."
Tumango-tango ang dalaga at maya-maya lang ay sumilay sa mukha nito ang isang pilyang ngiti.
"Alam mo ba, Ate Van, crush ka ni kuya," bigla nitong sabi. Kaagad na natawa si Vannessa sa sinabi nito. Paniguradong narinig din iyon ni Jax na nasa kusina dahil may kalakasan ang pagkasasabi ni Bee.
"That's unlikely," Vannessa replied, smiling and shaking her head.
"Sure 'yan. Ikaw 'yong babae sa photo album niya. Marami ka ngang pictures doon." Napakunot ang noo ni Vannessa nang marinig iyon. Hindi niya alam kung paniniwalaan ba niya ang sinasabi ng dalaga pero mukhang hindi naman ito ang tipong nagsisinungaling. "Hindi ba, kuya?" Nilingon nito si Jax na papalapit sa kanila at may dala-dalang tray ng mga pagkain. Hindi niya mapigilan ang mga matang mapatigil nang makitang may dala-dala itong ice cream.
"Ha? Anyare?" tanong nito na wari bang naguguluhan. Nagpalipat-lipat ang tingin ni Jax sa kanilang dalawa. Vannessa stared intently at him, also wanting to know whether what Bee said was true or not.
Nakita ni Vannessa ang malaking ngiti sa mukha ni Bee habang nakataas ang tingin nito sa kuya niyang naguguluhan. "Na may picture ka ni Ate Van doon sa photo album na nasa kwarto mo."
Natawa si Jax na bahagyang ikinagulat ni Vannessa. "Oo," sagot ni Jax. Nanlaki ang mga mata ni Vannessa at magtatanong na sana kung bakit nang sinagot nito ang katanungan niya. "Pero don't take it badly. I was part of the photo journalism club way back in high school. Hindi mo siguro alam iyan kasi--" Ngumiti ito nang tipid tsaka nagkibit-balikat. "Tsaka hindi lang ikaw 'yong andoon. Activitiy kasi namin iyon. We would be assigned to take pictures in the campus sa club namin. I just so happened that I was able to keep them to preserve memories."
"Sus, daming sinabi," panunukso ni Bee.
Kaagad na ibinaba ni Jax ang tray tsaka nilapitan ang kapatid niya para guluhin nang bahagya ang buhok nito. "We? Talaga ba?" tukso niya pabalik dito.
Vannessa just stared at them teasing each other with a sincere smile plastered across her face.
SHE WAS ABLE to talk to Bee for a whole hour before Jax decided that she should rest. Napansin kasi nitong mabibigat na ang mga talukap ng kapatid. Tinulungan niya itong alalayan si Bee papasok sa kwarto nito. When the girl fell asleep out of exhaustion, the two of them were left inside, staring at the sleeping girl.
It pained Vannessa looking at Bee sleeping with her forehead slightly wrinkled. Iyon ang una nilang pagkikita pero ganoon na lamang ang pakiramdam niya habang pinagmamasdan itong natutulog. Ito ay marahil ramdam niya ang emosyong nararamdaman ni Jax dahil kagaya nito, isa rin siyang kapatid.
She was able to take a glance at Jax and was able to see how hard he was trying to not cry. Siguro kung wala siya roon ay tahimik na itong umiiyak.
Vannessa hesitated for a second before lifting her hand to gently touch his arm. He looked at her and still managed to smile before Vannessa smiled back and they went out the room together.
They silently went down to the kitchen, and Jax just leaned on the kitchen counter, looking a little bit lost. Nakatunganga lamang ito kaya hindi alam ni Vannessa ang gagawin.
She hesitated once more before swallowing the lump on her throat. "Pwede ba akong kumuha ng tubig?"
Kaagad na natauhan ang binatang napatingin sa kanya. "Ako na kukuha," aniya.
Vannessa shook her head. "No, ako na, it's just water," aniya.
She could feel the piercing stare of Jax against her shoulders as he fetched for a glass of water. Ramdam ni Vannessa ang malakas na pagkabog ng kanyang dibdib. Hindi niya lubos na mawari kung bakit siya kinakabahan kaya ganoon na lamang kahigpit ang pagkahahawak niya na baso sa takot na baka mabitiwan niya ito dahil sa panginginig ng kanyang kamay.
Luckily, no spilling happened, and she was able to do a simple task successfully. Instead of drinking it, she gently pushed the glass of water that she placed on the table towards Jax's direction.
Nakita niyang natigilan ang lalaki at may bahid ng pagtataka ang mukha. "Drink," she said. "Looks like you need it."
Tumitig lang si Jax sa baso ng tubig nang ilang segundo bago ito ngumisi. "Halata bang tuyong-tuyo na ako?" nagbibiro nitong tanong.
Hindi napigilan ni Vannessa ang mapangiti tsaka napailing-iling. She watched as Jax drank the whole glass of water, and felt satisfied seeing that he was able to finish it.
"Thank you, Miss," he said. "You're being too kind."
Vannessa looked down with a small smile on her face. "No. Actually, you're the kind one," she said.
The silence lingered in the room for a whole minute before Vannessa gathered up all of the courage. "Jax, I'm sorry for everything that I said, for the way that I acted, for judging you immediately—"
"It's fine—"
"No, it isn't. And I've realized my mistakes, pondered over them, thought that a person like you shouldn't even have to experience such the disrespect that I did," she cut him off. "And I genuinely apologize. If it weren't for my attitude, you would have been with the company—"
"No, no, it's not your fault," he said. She saw a hint of sadness in his eyes before he let out a sigh, and looked at the living room where his sister was.
Vannessa immediately understood.
Hindi ito lumiban nang dahil sa mga sinabi niya. Hindi ito lumiban dahil iniiwasan siya nito.
It was way worse than that, and she felt a little ashamed even bothering to mention the last part of what she said.
Jax took a deep breathe. "It was just an irregular menstruation at first. Then I was worried, pina-check up na namin sa doctor. PCOS 'yong first diagnosis. She barely went to her classes this school year kasi labas-pasok sa ospital. Kaya kahit anong gig pinasok ko na. Sobrang laki kasi ng gastos sa ospital, idagdag pa 'yong maintenance na gamot ni mama. We were so happy when we found out na she was recovering well na. Eh, we just found out..."
He took the time to breathe before looking down.
Vannessa knew where the talk was heading, and even when it was her first time meeting his sister, she could feel and imagine how hard it was for Jax. After all, she had a sister of her own. Iniisip niya pa lang na mangyayari kay Venice ang lahat ng nangyayari kay Bee, hindi na niya maatim.
She wanted to pat him on his shoulders, and tell him that everything would be alright, but she didn't know how he wanted to define being alright. So she just sat there and listened. Ramdam niyang hindi rin niya dapat nasasaksihang ganoon ang estado ng binata. It felt...pesonal. Too personal. And who was she?
Just someone who wanted to say sorry for saying mean things that she didn't mean to tell him.
She was nobody in his life.
He breathed before looking back at her. Vannessa wanted to look away, but she didn't. She just hoped that he'd read in her eyes that she cared.
"She has cervical c-can..cer," he said, choking on his words.
Napayuko si Vannessa nang maramdaman ang pagsikip ng dibdib. Ayaw niyang makita ang mukha ni Jax. Ramdam niya ang mabigat na presensya nito sa kanyang harapan. She couldn't say that she knew exactly what he was feeling because she hadn't experienced what he was experiencing. Nevertheless, it was still painful for her part.
It took him a long minute before continuing. "We can't put her under any treatment or operation kasi ang sabi ng doctor, it's already a hopeless case, and putting her in such situation would cause her more bad than good."
Vannessa looked away and closed her eyes, feeling a pang in her chest after hearing what he said.
"Do you know how painful it is to see the light in her eyes slowly fading?" he asked. Vannessa immediately looked away when a tear escaped from his eye. "Iyong wala ka nang magawa kung 'di ang masaksihan siyang unti-unting naglalaho. Iyong ang kalaban mo ay oras. Hindi ko alam kung kailan darating. Ayaw kong dumating. Alam kong takot din siya kahit na hindi niya sinasabi. Takot din ako. Takot na takot. Pero ako 'yong sandalan kaya hindi dapat ako 'yong unang masira–"
Vannessa no longer needed to think when she stood and immediately went to embrace him lightly at first. Hindi na sumagi pa isipan niya kung nakahihiya ba ang ginagawa niya o kung nasa posisyon ba siya para gawin iyon.
Niyakap niya ang lalaki dahil katulad nito, isa rin siyang kapatid.
Tuluyan nang tumulo ang kanyang mga luha nang maramdaman niya ang pagyakap nito pabalik at nang marinig niya ang paghikbi nito.
Just the sound of his cries was enough to tear her heart. It seemed as if he had been keeping those tears for too long. He had been putting a facade for too long.
"A-Ayo..ayokong mawala k-kapatid ko, Van.."
Vannessa could only cry silently as he wept on her shoulders
-
Author's Note:
I dedicate this chapter to an old friend, to an old classmate of mine who fought hard. Rest easy, Edz.
—Peb