CHAPTER TEN
butterfly's repose — part one
" 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖘𝖊𝖕𝖙𝖊𝖒𝖇𝖊𝖗 𝖘𝖙𝖗𝖆𝖎𝖓. "
𝐈𝐓 𝐖𝐀𝐒 𝐄𝐗𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐋𝐘 𝐇𝐎𝐖 𝐒𝐇𝐄 𝐑𝐄𝐌𝐄𝐌𝐁𝐄𝐑𝐄𝐃 𝐈𝐓. Of course it was. Selene safely assumed that no one had entered the cave since her last transformation before Hogwarts broke up for the summer break, but even then, it hadn't been touched.
The cave in which Selene inhabited for one night a month for her transformation into a werewolf was located just outside of the Forbidden Forest. It was quite the trek ─ seeing as they had to walk around the forest to avoid as much danger as possible ─ but Selene never questioned why Dumbledore wished for her to be so far from the castle because Selene was dangerous. She hated thinking it, but she knew she was. Helplessly dangerous. And Dumbeldore only had the best of his students at heart.
Madam Pomfrey always accompanied Selene to her cave. That's why the Ravenclaw always appreciated the nurse's efforts. Not everyone would be willing to walk at least thirty minutes near a forest like that, with nighttime at their heels. It was a truly selfless act.
A pinching pain seared through the muscles in her neck as Selene examined the cave from the outside. Already covered in achy pains from the closeness of the transformation, the craning of her neck to inspect the familiar room didn't make her feel any better. But she was simply trying to work up the courage to go in.
Madam Pomfrey was patient. It was hard for Selene to return to this cave ─ a place filled to the brim with awful memories, that brought both physical and mental pain to the teenager every month. It was like a trauma hole in the ground. And Madam Pomfrey knew that all Selene needed was time. To adjust. To be ready to do it all again.
Selene took a deep breath as she stepped into the cave, the sound of her heel against the stone echoing further inside. It was deep longways, and went far inside the hill it was buried underneath. The jagged lines of where her wolf form's claws were still rooted far into the grey walls, and moss painted pictures and coloured in the cracks of the marks. A lone lamp was placed in front of the curvature of the rock walls. It was a new one. Madam Pomfrey constantly had to replace them because when in her werewolf form, Selene would no doubt destroy it. It was her only source of light when the giant boulder was pushed in front of the opening. Selene then stared straight ahead, where she was met with pitch-black from where the sunlight couldn't reach that far inside.
The sun was low now, informing both Selene and Madam Pomfrey that it wasn't long until it disappeared and was replaced with Selene's worst nightmare ─ the full moon. The sky was darkening, now no longer a baby blue, but instead, stretched over Scotland in a navy shade, where some yellow peeked through, representing the last flickers of daylight.
"I'll be here as soon as you wake up tomorrow, all right, Selene?" Madam Pomfrey said softly, her voice soothing some of the pain etched into Selene's limbs. Not all of it, but the thought of the morning, and the full moon passing for another month was the light at the end of this horridly dark tunnel.
Selene swallowed hard, something scratching her throat as she did when the prospects of the Nurse walking away, leaving her alone in this horror house dawned on her ─ when she is finally encased in the darkness, hugging the single lamp for comfort, what happens next is inevitable.
But Selene knew this was how it goes. This is her life. She didn't choose it, but she has to stay strong and push aside the emotions that are scraping at her heart to get in. This was going to happen for the rest of her life. Not in these circumstances, not with Poppy for moral support or the cave as a wolf's den. But Lycanthropy was a burden inputted on her for life. There is no cure. There is no escape.
The lump in her throat the size of the same boulder that would lock her inside in a matter of moments prevented her from speaking. Selene nodded slowly, fear causing her head to tremble and threatening her knees to buckle, mouthing the words thank you.
Madam Pomfrey's mouth itched up into a solemn smile, paired with a reassuring set of eyes, before she nodded once, and drew her wand. Selene's breath hitched, but she squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head to free herself of her frightening feelings.
But when she opened her eyes again, the boulder had replaced the final droplets of sunlight, bathing her in black gloom, the glow from the lamp her only salvation. But most importantly, Madam Pomfrey was gone from view.
✽
𝐀𝐆𝐎𝐍𝐘. 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓'𝐒 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐎𝐍𝐋𝐘 𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃 𝐀𝐕𝐀𝐈𝐋𝐀𝐁𝐋𝐄 𝐈𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐄𝐍𝐆𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐇 𝐃𝐈𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐑𝐘 that even comes close to the pain that Selene feels when she wakes up the morning after a full moon. Every inch of her skin felt as though it was on fire, brandished with new scars she knew she'd have grief when trying to cover them up. The soreness swept over her entire body, every limb twinging with pain, so much so, she feared she would suffer just by blinking.
Madam Pomfrey was waiting for her when she woke up, as promised. Selene was glued to the floor on her hands and knees, fearing the pain that would follow if she were to move. She clawed her nails into the ground in an attempt to obtain the courage to get up. The only thing that would make that possible was the thought that when she did leave this cave, she wouldn't look back until she had to.
The scraping of the boulder that posed as a door into her cave against the earth's floor shook Selene out of her daze. Madam Pomfrey carefully placed her wand back inside her robes as Selene took deep breaths, in and out, until it was time to leave.
The fresh air hit her like a wave. A wave of salvation. It was only at a time like this did the sun shine so bright for Selene, and its rays were glorious as they hit her skin. She tried to focus on that during the long walk back to the castle. She hoped it would ease the pain of each small step. But she couldn't focus on the weather, even if it sparkled in her eyes, and filled her lungs like medicine. Because she was thinking about something else.
After every full moon, Selene tries her best to block out whatever happened the night before. It was horrific the first time around ─ she hated the idea of reliving it in her mind. But no matter how hard she tried to do exactly that, this time around, her mind was struggling not to think back to what she experienced. What she had heard.
It was familiar. Horribly familiar. As if, someone far away, someone beyond her cave, was responding. To her. It's difficult to think like your werewolf self post-transformation, and Selene vouched never do it under any circumstance, so what circumstance was this that made her want to dig deep? To retrace what she had heard? To figure out what was calling out to her the night prior? She had never heard it before last night, and yet, she had been hearing it for seven years. Because she was the source. Of these ungodly sounds, of these cries for help. But not once had she ever heard it coming from outside of her cave.
Selene tried her best to forget what she had heard. She concluded that it was probably just an echo of her own animalistic roars, not someone else's. Besides, that would absurd. Totally absurd. Selene tried to laugh at herself for even considering that as a possibility, but she wasn't in the mood for laughing.
When the two of them returned to the hospital wing in the early hours of the morning, the sun almost already completely risen, the room was empty. No one had stayed in overnight. There was no one Selene had to sneak past to get behind the safety of her drawn curtains. It was eerie. And that was the way she liked it. Because there was no one to fear.
The beds in the hospital wing were thin and yet Selene was tossing under the sheets for what felt like an eternity. She was exhausted and still weak with agony ─ she should have fallen asleep long ago simply out of pure debility. And she was indeed aching to go to sleep, but something was keeping her up. And Selene could pinpoint it too easily.
The screams she heard the night before rang in her head, in the back of her mind, and wouldn't shut up. It was like a song being played on repeat, cemented somewhere in her thoughts. But on a whole other horrid, fucked-up level than just a song being stuck in your head.
Selene glanced at the clock on her bedside table. School started soon and if she wasn't going to sleep she might as well be in lessons. If Lycanthropy didn't exist, the one thing Selene would hate the most is missing out on school. And she couldn't see herself falling asleep anytime soon, nor was she ever going to let Madam Pomfrey give her a sleeping potion ─ she'd be knocked out for at least a whole day. The nightmares would be like a film reel in her head ─ and one she wouldn't be able to stop.
She waited for Madam Pomfrey to return to her tiny bed area that was encased in curtains to say something. Selene predicted the nurse's response, but she still held out some hope that she'd let her go free.
"I think I'm well enough to go," Selene said quietly despite a silencing charm sealing their words inside the curtain walls.
Madam Pomfrey was busying herself with various medicines around Selene's bed, as the girl waited patiently for her freedom. Selene's request caused the woman to spin on the spot, and point a sharp finger in her direction. "No, you are most certainly not, Miss Vervain," the nurse said sternly.
Selene wasn't that willing to argue but she was willing to see how far she could go, "But I can't sleep and if I-"
Madam Pomfrey fisted her hands and rested them on her hips, "You shall stay here for at least two more days. I'm usually more lenient when it comes to you, but it's your first one back at school and I don't want you to regret not staying in bed longer," she said. "Now I know you can't sleep, I'm not going to let you refuse a sleeping potion anymore. I'll fetch you a croissant from the Great Hall if it'll make you feel better."
Even though her last words was a sweet offer, Madam Pomfrey still delivered them with defiance and order. It was her job to keep Selene safe and well, and that's all that she was doing. Poppy was right ─ Selene could have guessed that she was going to regret not staying in bed when trying to stay awake in Charms class later.
But why did Madam Pomfrey say I'm usually more lenient when it comes to you? Who else did she need to act leniently with? When it comes to you. Not like the other party or parties involved ─ whoever that was ─ but just when it came down to Selene.
Paranoia was never a side effect of a full moon. So what changed? Why is she overthinking everything? Why does everything seem so odd to her?
The nurse was right ─ she needed to sleep. Selene shut up after that.
✽
𝐒𝐄𝐋𝐄𝐍𝐄 𝐃𝐈𝐃𝐍'𝐓 𝐓𝐀𝐊𝐄 𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐎𝐅 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐋𝐄𝐄𝐏𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐏𝐎𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍 𝐋𝐈𝐊𝐄 𝐌𝐀𝐃𝐀𝐌 𝐏𝐎𝐌𝐅𝐑𝐄𝐘 𝐇𝐀𝐃 𝐀𝐒𝐊𝐄𝐃 𝐇𝐄𝐑 𝐓𝐎. In fact, she only had a sip. It's a strong concoction which is probably why Selene was in and out of rest like an unsettled baby. Unsettled was probably the right word for it, actually.
She awoke to the sound of the main doors creaking open, followed by the cheery voices of someone younger. Some people younger. Multiple voices came from behind her curtains, and Madam Pomfrey was quick to reply. Their voices were muffled but loud enough to keep Selene awake for the time being.
"Sorry Madam Pomfrey," one of them said, "but can we see him? Just to check if he's okay?"
Selene recognised that voice. Anyone in their year could. In fact, anyone in the school could. James Potter had a habit of making himself known.
With furrowed brows, Selene glanced at her clock again. It was eight-thirty. Lessons started soon. Why would he visit the hospital wing at this time of day? But more importantly ─ the hospital wing was empty when Selene arrived back there earlier that morning. Who had since arrived? She must have been asleep.
"We promise we'll head straight to lessons when we leave."
She recognised that voice too ─ Sirius Black had very similar habits to that of James Potter. Judging by their friend group dynamic and by the overlapping of their voices, Selene assumed Peter Pettigrew had paid a visit too.
Madam Pomfrey spoke next, "Okay," she said, not sweetly necessarily because that's not how she speaks. More like she was complying with their requests reluctantly. But there was also a hint of something else. Almost . . . sympathy? Who did she need to feel sorry for? Surely not James Potter? "But I don't want you staying long now," she added on the end. She was agreeing to their appeal but only on her terms.
Selene couldn't be certain, but she thinks Madam Pomfrey uttered the words "He must rest", followed by something along the lines of "You know this". What did they know? And how did they know it?
Selene stared at the ceiling silently, pretending she wasn't there. And to those three boys, she wasn't. There was no amount of sleeping potion that could put her to sleep now.
It was probably absolutely nothing. At least nothing of her concern. And yet, Selene's mind was overrun with questions. Part of her felt nosy, the other part excused her curiousity out of pure boredom. As much as she hated to admit it, she was craving the answers to these questions. Questions that hadn't anything to do with her. Questions private to those involved. But one question Selene could answer by herself. Three out of four Marauders had waltzed into the hospital wing not that long ago, no doubt to visit a friend. Someone they knew well. And there was only one person that could be ─ Remus Lupin.
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