Harry.
The room had a strange sense of calmness to it. The only sound was the distant sound of the clock ticking, along with the steady drumming of my fingers against the leather arm of the couch.
I didn't make eye contact, my eyes were drawn to the framed certificates on the walls, highlighting great achievements. It was a distraction, a way to keep my mind at ease and I endured what was coming.
I didn't want to be here, it was making my heart race and my palms sweat. I didn't like not feeling as if I was in control, but I knew I had to be here. I didn't have a choice.
My mind had been all sorts of places lately, but no where near the sort of calmness I craved to be able to survive. Instead, I did anything I needed for a distraction. Coming here, included.
"When did the voices start again?"
Her voice was soft, too soft. Like she was trying to dismantle a bomb with just the tone of her voice. It irked me. I cracked my knuckles and stifled a sigh of annoyance. Inside, my brain rattled with too many thoughts, many of which I couldn't get a solid grasp on because they were running away from me too fast. I shut my eyes briefly as the voices came back.
Don't tell her.
She doesn't need to know.
She'll try and stop you.
Gritting down my teeth, my gaze flickered to to woman, eying her with caution. I didn't know if I could trust her. She was a stranger after all, despite it being in her job description to keep everything I said in the professional environment. She stared back at me, patiently waiting for a response. I didn't know what she already knew about me, but I knew it must of been a lot if she knew about the voices.
I felt as if that was against protocol, since when were they allowed to know past history? Then again, what did I even know these days. I didn't know anything.
Cracking my knuckles again, I made brief eye contact with her before I had to look away.
"When she left."
The woman nodded. I felt like I should of asked her name to be polite, to stop referring to her as the woman but I really didn't care for pleasantries. I wanted her diagnose. I wanted her medication referral and then I wanted to leave. I didn't want her to get to know me. I didn't need another person thinking they could fix me when they couldn't.
I had things to do, many of which consisted of finalising my plans to find Sophia. I still didn't have the slightest of clues of where she was and it had been just over a month. My fingers squeezed at the leather arm of the couch as the thoughts of it settled in my head.
"And are they worse than they were before?"
I cracked my neck. "Define worse."
"Are they more frequent, Harry?"
I didn't like the sound of my name on her lips. I shook my head. "No."
Yes.
She nodded thoughtfully, and I could tell she didn't believe me. She must be good at her job if she could see past my lies. I pursed my lips.
"And how are you coping with Sophia leaving?"
I winced, my eyes darting around the bland room. "You make it sound like she's not coming back," I said stiffly. I didn't like that. There was always hope of her coming back. The game hadn't ended just yet. "Why?"
The woman's eyes burned into the side of my head, but I refused to meet the pity in her gaze. It would of been enough to make me snap on the spot, and I knew that wouldn't be beneficial for anyone. Niall had done a lot to get me to come to this appointment and I don't think making my new therapist disappear would solve any of my problems. It would just increase my workload.
"Harry..." she started, before clearing her throat. "I think we should dive into this a little bit more. Why do have the assumption that Sophia will return into your life, have you spoken to her?"
I ran my tongue over my bottom lip, my eyes watching the ticking hand of the clock counting the passing seconds.
Sophia. My Sophia. I thought about her a lot. More recently than ever. I was doing this for her. I was getting the help I needed so I could be a better man for her when I found her.
The game of hide and seek was getting too long now, and it had been just over a month since I had seen her and it was starting to make me anxious at the thought of something bad happening to her.
I made bad decision after bad decision, the first was allowing her to leave the apartment which led to her attack, the second of which was starting this game. I guess it was my way of punishing myself after what had happened to her. Seeing the terror in her eyes when she awoke in that hospital bed was the scene I saw every night before I shut my eyes. My own personal nightmare.
I blinked away the sudden flashback, clearing my throat. "It's a game."
"I'm sorry?"
I rolled my eyes. Nobody got it, not her, not Niall, not anyone. "She didn't run away. She'll come back. She's just still playing the game."
My therapist frowned, and I wondered for a moment if I sounded as crazy as I felt. Given by the short scribbles she was making in her notebook, I would assume the answer was yes.
"We've got a lot to go through in today's session, so maybe we'll start with Sophia since it sounds like she was a big part of your life. Can I ask why you think she left?"
My knuckles cracked again, and I stared at my therapist until she was the one who had to look away. "Why I think she left?" I repeated her words to her, clarifying what she was asking me.
When she nodded, a baffled smile touched my lips. It was a loaded question, if I ever heard one. Niall specifically told me not to mention anything work related, because this therapist was only just that - a therapist. She wasn't on my side, our side, the dark side - whatever you wanted to call it. She was just there to listen to me talk about the voices in my head and to give me the medication I needed to survive while Sophia wasn't around and help me find clarity when my head was a mess. It was the only way to clear it and to be able to focus on one thing, and one thing only.
I shrugged, turning to look out her window. The streets looked bare this morning, not a single soul out before the sun touched the sky. How unfortunate there was nothing out there to distract my mind as my thoughts raced.
Tell her.
Why lie about it?
She should know what she's dealing with.
I glanced over at the the woman again, pursing my lips as I watched her scribble in her notebook. Orange with black swirls coated the cover. It was a strange mix, but it looked somewhat hypnotic. "She couldn't handle me. My lifestyle. The pain I put her through was too much."
The woman nodded as if we were getting somewhere. Hardly. It wasn't exactly a lie, but it wasn't the truth. Nothing I was saying was making sense but she wrote it down anyway like it was a game of connect the dots.
"Do you want to unravel that a little bit more? Would you say you were verbally abusive, Harry?"
I scoffed, my skin suddenly itching at the thought of ever belittling Sophia to the point it would be classified as verbal abuse. I cracked my neck and bit back at sneering at her like a feral animal.
"Absolutely not," I muttered with another shake of my head. I rested my open palm on my knee, feeling how my leg bounced under it. "She didn't like my job and what it safety issues it brought to her."
That's not the reason she left.
That's not the reason we sent her away.
Lies lies lies lies.
We sent her away because she got hurt because of us.
I swallowed as she continued to write, feeling as if she might be able to read my mind and was about to tell me how awful of a person I was.
Instead though, she only nodded again, and she was looking more monotone than ever. It annoyed me. Her job was suppose to empathise, wasn't it?
"And what do you do for a job?"
Tell her.
Don't tell her.
Tell her.
Don't tell her.
Tell her
Tell her
Don't-
TELL HER!
"I kill bad people for a living."
Mid-stroke of her pen, the woman looked up, and I could see the mixed look of emotion in her eyes. Somewhat fear, somewhat disbelief.
She stared at me for a total of twelve seconds, before she cleared her throat, putting her pen into her lap before looking back up. "What do you mean by that, Harry?"
My leg bounced as I stared at her. "Is that a serious question? How in depth do I need to go into that question?"
I could see her visibly swallow, her eyes darting behind my head, I'm sure for an emergency panic button. I didn't see one when I walked in, I wonder where she kept it.
"The only reason I ask, Harry, is that...if you're being honest right now, I may need to contact the authorities, do you understand that?"
Niall was going to kill me.
Nice going, now we're going to jail.
Tell her everything. Scare her. Tell her, tell her, tell her.
My fingers drummed against the leather seat again, my eyes flashing pictures of Sophia every time they shut briefly. This was for her. This punishment was for her. I deserved to be punished for the acts of violence I caused, the damage I did to Sophia.
Swallowing back any sort of nerves I had, I stared my therapist directly in the eyes. This was my punishment.
"I know. Should I start from the beginning?"
A/N:
This isn't the end!!! I promise. I decided to be an asshole and post them in a few different updates.
More to come shortly, maybe even tonight, who knows. What do we think, do y'all hate me yet?
Big things coming for the final...I hope you all are ready.
I love you all, thank you again for your support 💓