Happy Friday lovelies! I can't believe the Australian leg of the tour is finished! In other news, it's my 19th birthday tomorrow - so cheers xx. Thanks for continue to read/vote.
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Harry began stirring and the first thing he was aware of was how much pain he was in. He let out a strangled cry and began thrashing around, as if trying to escape the pain. He felt a pair of delicate hands trying to hold him down but he knew he was stronger than the hands. Eventually though, his fight to escape turned into sobs that wracked his entire body, threatening to undo him. He felt the arms wrap around him and a soothing voice whispering that it would be okay.
“Mum!” he sobbed, his voice cracking. He felt the arms tense around his body but paid them no mind. He was only focusing on one thing. “Mum, I’m sorry!”
“Haz, shhh,” whispered the voice again. “H-Haz, it’s going to be okay…”
“NO IT ISN’T!” Harry screamed, pulling back. He glared at Louis who looked alarmed by the sudden outburst. “Nothing is going to be okay. My mum is out there distraught, thinking that I’ve run off and I’m here living my life as though nothing is wrong.”
“I thought… I thought you were happy,” said Louis, his voice faltering.
Harry deflated, covering his face with his hands.
“I thought I was too,” whispered Harry, more to himself than Louis. “I was happy, Lou But then…” He froze, realizing what he was about to admit to the other boy.
“You watched the telly,” finished Louis.
Harry peeked through his fingers at the feathery-haired boy. To his relief, he did not look angry. No, it was worse than that, Harry realized as his heart sunk. He looked disappointed and distraught.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have –”
“No, you shouldn’t have,” Louis cut him off. “But I understand why you did.”
The two of them fell into silence. It was not a comfortable silence like they were used to but full of tension as they tried to ignore the elephant in the room that they wanted more than anything to avoid. Well, two elephants.
“I thought I had lost you, Haz,” choked out Louis, breaking the silence suddenly. Harry’s head snapped up. “When I walked in and saw… saw you… I thought…”
“Shhh,” whispered Harry, pulling Louis into him. This time, he comforted the older boy as sobs consumed him. Harry could feel several tears escape his eyes as well.
“Why’d you do it, Haz?” asked Louis, wiping his nose on his sleeve. “Why would you do that?”
“I couldn’t stand to see her cry,” replied Harry dully. “It was the only solution.”
“You should have spoken to me! We could have talked it out –”
“That’s a load of bull, Louis and you know it,” snapped Harry, pulling away from the boy. “If you’re going to try and convince me that we could have talked this out and have come to an agreement then I know that you’re lying to me.”
Louis was silent, tears still racing down his cheeks to Harry’s dismay. The latter reached out, thumbing some of them away even though they only appeared fresh moments later. Louis reached up and grabbed Harry’s wrist gently so he would not hurt him. He closed his eyes and the pair of them stayed like that for quite some time.
“How long have I been out of it?”
“About a day.” Harry’s eyes widened. “I gave you some painkillers as well so they probably helped you sleep a bit as well. You needed it, Hazza.”
Harry nodded, warming slightly at the nickname of his nickname. Never would he let someone other than Louis call him something so ridiculous. On Louis’ lips it sounded so right though.
“How long do I need to keep these on?” murmured Harry, looking down at his bandaged arms. He looked like he had been thrown into a woodchopper.
Louis frowned.
“They need to be changed periodically so I can apply cream to the… to the…”
“To the scars,” said Harry bluntly, and Louis flinched. “Great. When’s the next time they need to be dressed?”
Louis swallowed.
“Well, erm – that’s actually what I was going to do just before you woke up.”
Harry sighed and reached out, about to take off the bandages when Louis’ hand grabbed his own.
“What?” asked Harry harshly. Louis flinched and Harry immediately felt bad. “I’m sorry Lou.” Louis just shook his head as if it was nothing, not quite making eye contact with Harry.
“I thought I’d just help you…”
“If you don’t mind… I’d rather do it alone.” He refused to look Louis in the eyes as he said this but when he felt the loss of the dip and heard the door close, he knew that he was in fact alone again.
Reaching over for the cream, he placed it next to his leg and nervously began undressing his arm. He was unsure what he expected but he certainly was not ready for the sight that met him.
Harry let out a strangled sob, staring at the fresh scars on both of his forearms. They were pronounced and an angry red. Although they were no longer bleeding, he felt like he could still feel the blood running down his arms.
In one swift motion, he took the bottle of cream and launched it across the room, watching it shatter against the wall. He began crying again, his arms throbbing in pain at the sudden activity.
Reaching for a piece of shattered glass that was now laying on the floor, he picked it up and stared at it. Now that he had gotten a taste of the power and control he had been deprived of for months, he felt as though nothing else could satiate the pain.
So wrapped up in his thoughts, he did not realize the door had opened and that the sad boy had returned, having heard the noise from the other room. Suddenly, a pair of knees were next to him on the ground.
When did he get on the floor?
Harry then realized that he was curled in a fetal position, holding the shard of glass, rocking back and forth. He felt the glass being taken from him and despite his protests, the remaining mess being cleaned up.
“I need it…” he croaked, his eyes filling with fresh tears once more. “Lou, I need it so bad…”
“I know, Haz,” the other boy whispered, laying down next to him once the mess was cleared and pulling Harry into his arms. “But I need you alive and well.”
“I’m ugly Louis,” spat Harry, pulling away and shoving his arm in Louis’ face. “You have no reason to want me.”
Louis’ face contorted with anger.
“Don’t say that Harry, don’t you ever say that,” he said, his voice dropping an octave, causing Harry to shiver.
“But it’s –” Louis cut him off by putting a finger to his lips and looked seriously into the boy’s green eyes.
“It’s not true and it’s never going to be true. I care for you so much Haz, it physically hurts, and nothing that you could do could ever change that. Your scars…” Both boys flinched slightly at the word. “Your scars don’t define you.”
“Are you trying to say they’re beautiful?” sneered Harry, and Louis shook his head.
“Far from it,” he said, watching as Harry’s head drooped. “Hey, look at me.” He lifted Harry’s head back up by playing two fingers under the latter’s chin.
“You listen to me, Haz. Your scars are not beautiful and I refuse to glorify what you have done or what led you to do it. That isn’t any healthier than you doing the action alone. No, your scars are not beautiful, they’re a terrible thing. But you. You’re beautiful inside and out and no amount of scars could ever devalue your beauty or make me see you in any other way.”
By this point, both boys were crying profusely. Harry because despite the immense pain he was in both physically and emotionally, he had Louis here to make him strong and Louis, because even though he had almost lost Harry, he knew that he would do everything in his power to love and care for the boy, even if it meant losing him to the life he deserved in the long run.
“I need you, Lou,” whispered Harry.
“You have me, Haz.”
“You know what I meant.”
Louis had an intake of breath.
“I can’t Haz. No, don’t look at me like that, it’s not because of you or because I’m not attracted to you. You know I am, but you’re vulnerable and you want something that given the circumstances would involve me taking advantage of you.”
“But I’m consen –” Louis shook his head.
“It’s wrong Haz. I can’t do that to you in good conscious knowing how much it would devalue it. I want our first time to be special Haz, and I don’t want it to be because you feel like it’s the only way to show my love for you.”
“I didn’t –” Harry froze though when he realized what Louis had said and Louis gulped at the implications of his words.
“Let’s get some rest, Haz, it’s been a long couple of days.” As if on cue, Harry yawned, his face scrunching up cutely. Louis smiled slightly.
As Harry laid down on the bed again, he watched with heavy-lidded eyes as Louis cleaned and redressed his scars. Louis took special care while applying a new jar of cream to each scar and when it was all said and done, he cuddled in next to Harry.
“G’night Lou,” murmured Harry, nearly asleep.
“Goodnight Haz.” Harry was practically asleep so he was not sure if he heard the following three words or if he dreamt them. “I love you.”
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I personally really like this chapter, especially Louis' little speech about H's scars. It's completely true to how I feel about self-harming. I can't stand when writers glorify it. Anyways, have a lovely weekend and I'll see you at the end of next week! xx