s h a t t e r e d h e a r t s
c h a p t e r 2
The door to the bedroom opens. Slowly looking up from the bed I see my sister walk inside. "You look horrible" She says as soon as her eyes land on me. I know all too well that I look dreadful, and I'm not trying to hide it. All that I am hiding is the fact that she is currently with my Mate as his chosen Mate. She sits down on my bed and strokes my hair as we always do when one of us is crying. "What's wrong?" She asks me as she gives me a gentle smile.
I open my mouth to speak, but then I see that happy glee inside her eyes and I close my mouth. Telling her about it would only hurt her and Katherine has been through so much already. She has been through pain and suffering before. And she has not found her Mate yet. I can't hurt her in this way. She will be heartbroken beyond repair and I won't do that to my very own sister. Not after everything that she has been through.
I don't say a thing to her and that only causes her to grow worried about me, I can see how her eyes shift from happiness over to worry and concern. She takes the covers and goes under them and lies down next to me. It's something that we have always done when one of us needs the other one. Our father used to say that we were like conjoined twins when we were little, because we did everything together and when one was in pain the other was in as well, and did all like the other one did until she felt better.
Giving her a questionable look she just shakes her head. "You don't have to tell me. I'm here" Is all that comes from her as she takes my hands and just holds them. Letting me know that she's here for me and that she's not leaving me any time soon. Having her here does make the pain less and yet at the same time it only makes the pain worse. While I can't blame her form any of the things that are happening to me, I know that she is the reason that I feel those pain.
She is to be blamed but Nik is also to be blamed. Because he could not see and understand that I am his Mate and not my sister. Though, she did not lie when she said that she would be here. She lies in the bed with me and I know very well that she's not going to leave this bed until I'm smiling. We have always done this. Katherine and I have always been close, and we will continue to be close... until I'm gone from this world and I will be no more
Staying by each other's side has always been something that has been strong inside us, having each other's back when we need to. We have been told that there is a bond between us that is strong. It always has been. We are twins after all, and I may be the younger sister, but that doesn't mean that I'm anything less than she is. She has always treated me like her equal and I her as well. Katherine has always been there for me, that is why I can't break her heart when she has finally found happiness again.
Somehow she's taking away some of the pain, I don't know if she is taking it herself or if the pain is leaving me all of a sudden. For whatever reason, it is at least better than it was before. I turn my head to look at her and give her a sad smile, finding that smiling is a task. A task that I never thought that I would ever have to do. "Do you want to talk about it?" She asks me as she gives me a sorrowful gaze. I lightly shake my head, not feeling like my voice can be found.
Nor if I even have the energy to speak at all or the motivation to do so. Still, it was my silence that got me stuck into this mess in the first place. "I'm here if you want to talk" She tells me. I let out a sigh as I turn my gaze to the ceiling that has had my attention this entire time yet, even when I had been looking up at the ceiling, I felt as if though I was not really looking at it. Not really. I have been far too lost in my own mind to even notice the ceiling itself.
We stay like that for some time until she goes out of the bed. "Wait here, I need to talk to father. I will be right back" She says, and I nod. The bed feels colder without my sister here with me, but I suppose it was already cold when she was here anyway. The minutes until she comes back are endless but as soon as she enters I find that I breathe much better. Perhaps it is just the bond that we share or the fact that I'm not alone in pain, but it somehow goes away a little when she's here.
The agony that is inside me because bearable. She goes back into the bed and stays there. "I told father that I would take your kitchen duty tonight. Clearly, you are not up for it. And I know when you're faking, this is not of those cases" She says. I smile a bit. She has always been the one that is perfect in everything while I mostly get into trouble, then do everything that I can to get out of trouble. She is right about one thing; this is not one of the cases that I'm faking.
I don't know I would do without her. We are Werewolves, and we do have Mates, still I feel like Katherine is also a part of me, the bond that we have is unbreakable. I may be dying, but I will not be the one that destroyed her happiness, it has been so long since I've seen her glowing like she does now. "I can't believe that I am the Mate to the future Alpha. I always thought that it would be you who the Fates would have chosen" She says to me, probably trying to make me feel better.
Not realizing that her words do more harm than they do good. I always knew, and I know that I am the one that is his Mate, yet still I am not the one that he chose. I keep thinking that maybe he did know it was me and only chose her because he had always liked her in the past and simply wanted her more than he did me. Even I know that Katherine is the prettier sister of the two of us. No one can deny that. I have never felt jealous of it, as I know that I'm beautiful in my own way.
Still, when it comes to the male population of the world, it's noticeable how they want her rather than me. "I never thought that I would feel so little when I'd find my Mate. I mean, the stories that everyone say it is always about this incredible feeling that you feel once you know who your Mate is. I suppose it only depends on the person themselves" She says and this sad look comes across her face. She is right, there is that feeling that is unlike any other.
I felt it then moment that I woke up the morning of our birthday, I felt it when I was near him and I felt it when he held my hand and was close to me. I felt the Wolf inside me clawing at me to be in his arms and claim him as my own. Why I did not do that I will forever regret. "I don't even know how I'm going to be a Luna. I understand that the job comes with great responsibility. I would rather eat ice cream and binge-watch something on Netflix rather than attend some boring meetings that are endless" Katherine says, though more to herself than to me.
Her words only further break my heart. I'm not only causing pain to myself but to my sister who never asked for any of this, then again I never asked to be rejected in this way. "But, the Fates declared that I am their Luna and that can mean that I need to be up for the job, I just have to learn" She continues. At this point I realize that she is indeed talking to herself. Still, her voice does make it better to be here in this pain.
I reach for her hand and just hold it. I may not have any voice in me to speak, but I want her to know that I'm here for her. When I look into her eyes I see that she is unsure of herself, but there is another part of her that is so confident that it can take on anything and I know that is the truth. Katherine does not only possess the beauty but also the confidence of the two of us, while I'm just the coward that doesn't even want to tell the truth.
It saddens me to know that I'm like that. I'm the person that often does do crazy things, but only in the shadows of others mostly Nik's. He's always by my side and stood by my side, never have I done anything by myself, at least nothing worthy of anything. Perhaps it is a good thing that he has chosen someone else to lead by his side. I would only get in the way and not be able to. Since we were little I'm the one that gets in his way. He would often ditch his lessons to play with me.
Because of that he got into trouble, all because of me. Nik is better off without someone like me by his side, he needs Katherine. She is strong and while she doubts herself, I know that she can do anything that is forced her way. She has done so in the past, and she came out on top. She defeated the sorrows of her heart and the pain that she felt before, now she is stronger, and she can get through this. That I am certain. One thing is clear; Katherine makes a much better Luna than I ever could have become.
We hold each other for a couple of minutes before she has to leave. Apparently Nik is going to show her something. Once she has left the room I roll out of the bed and force my body to stand. My feet shake as I walk towards the bathroom. Looking into the mirror I see just how horrible I look. My hair is messy and all over the place, standing out in directions that I did not think was possible. My eyes are bloodshot and almost swollen, and I'm red around my eyes and my nose.
Tried tears stain my face, and for a moment when I look at myself I can see just how pale my skin has become. Normally I am pale but somehow in a short period of time I've grown sickly pale. My body feels like I've gone to Hell and back. And, I look terrible. No wonder that she wanted to get away from me. I head out of the bathroom and towards the window that we have. Pushing back the curtains, I see that they are preparing to go out into the forest nearby for a run.
It is something that Nik and I would do almost every day, there is this sense of peace in running together through the forest. Past the trees and jumping over roots and bushes on the ground. Trying not to get hit by the branches and laugh when either one of us got hit. We would chase one another until we would be so tired and unable to even move. Then we would lie down next to one another and just talk about everything, anything. Those moments are what I enjoy the most with him, because we can just be ourselves with no one else around.
I watch as they laugh at something that was said, and then they walk into the forest. If I had any tears left to cry then I would be crying my heart out for she is now doing the very things that were so special to me. I see that they are walking the path that we would always go. A couple of years ago we found a secret hiding place, and that is where they are headed. This, I know. It hurts my heart as if a dagger had been lodged in it.
My heart has already been through so much and still it continues to suffer through more than it can take. Soon, I doubt that there will be much left of my heart or me for that matter. And I'm not even sure if I should care for it. Everything inside me tells me that I've already given up and now all that is left to do is give myself up to the pain and submit to it. Where the pain and the waves of agony will take me away into some place that I don't know what is, but that is where I will soon go anyway.
My eyes stare at the window and at the forest that holds memories of happiness. The times that I spent there with Nik are those that I will cherish for the rest of my short life. Those memories may perhaps not mean that much to him, but they mean the world to me. I love him. More than I can ever say. Not because it is my destiny to love him but because I chose to love him. I fell in love with him before I even knew that he was my Mate, my Soulmate.
With a low sigh I turn around and walk back into the bathroom. Taking a rag I wet it and start to clean my face a bit. As I look at myself in the mirror I can see just how dead my eyes are. This morning when my eyes took a look at myself in the mirror, I looked as happy as I could be and my they were filled with life like never before, as I had been before. Now, only some long and difficult hours later my eyes show this lifelessness in them that I know will never disappear and be replaced by the joy.
Joy. Just thinking about the word makes me question its meaning. Somehow in these hours I feel like I have lost the sense of what that feels like. As if I have never even felt happy at all. The feeling is strange to me. It feels like I have never felt joy or happiness in my entire life, and yet I know that I have felt it. I ignore this confusion as I continue to wipe off my face to the point where my skin is turning a bit pink.
When I'm done I wash my face with cold water before I scoop some into my hands and take small sips. Feeling the cold liquid run down my throat and relief it of some pain as the dryness had been far too painful and each swallow had been hurting me. As if my throat had become sandpaper. It was painful, and it made me not want to swallow. Now that I have had some water go down my throat it doesn't feel as bad as it did, the pain is still there but not as painful. Or perhaps I'm just so used to the pain now.
I believe the agony is starting to become a second nature to me, as if this is something that I've had my entire life and that fact doesn't make anything better. Looking again in the mirror I see that I'm looking slightly better but far from being all right. I'm not all right. I'm not all right. I'm not all right. It takes everything inside me to not let the tears fall down my face again and make me burst out into crying, no matter if I have tears left to cry or not.
The person that looks at me in the mirror is not the person that I am. It's someone else. Someone that I don't know who is, all I know is that this is not me. It may look like me but the one that stands there and looks at me is not the one that I am. I turn my head around to not be looking at the sight of myself. With my face dripping with water I head back into the room, take off my hoodie and my leggings and go into my pajamas and lie down on the bed.
The day may still be happening, but it can happen without me. The sun continues to mock me, as if it were telling me that it is a beautiful day out there, which I don't doubt, but I don't see the beauty and neither do I want to see it nor be anywhere near it. All I want is to hide here and stay in this room. My body can barely move for this agonizing waves of pure pain force me down. Breathing for me is like holding onto a rope that hangs over a crackling fire pit which waits to swallow me whole.
This dull pain that has taken over me is everything that I can feel, leaving no space for anything else. It takes away any opportunity to feel anything else. I've not eaten in a couple of hours and yet that doesn't bother me. Hunger is just something that is there, but not necessarily painful. With everything else throwing itself at me, the hunger that I should be feeling is barely even there at all. I don't feel like eating or feel like I even deserve to eat for that matter. I don't feel like I deserve anything at all.
Staying here with my eyes closed, I wish for sleep to take me away from this place, anywhere would be better than here. I don't even care where it would take me. It could take me to the unknown of death, and it would still be better than this place. I would do anything and everything to get away from this pain, and if death can offer me something better than I will take that deal without a blink of an eye, it would be the best deal I have ever made of my life and I would be happier for it.
Time goes by in endless circles, never wanting to go by and yet it slowly does go. It's torturing how long it is at passing I don't realize that a couple of hours have passed by until I hear the laughter of the love of my life, accompanied by the laughter of my twin sister. I can't hear if they are speaking, but I can hear their laughter. It is loud and it is true. They are as happy as can be. The laughter that Nik is giving is not like the one that he does when he's with me, and it does not take me a long time to realize that this laughter is the real deal for him.
The times that he laughed with me were faked or forced. I wonder if there was anything about our friendship that was true and real. This laugh that he is giving is one that I can tell is born of true happiness. The happiness that he is now sharing with my sister, when he should be sharing it with me. I wonder if he would even be happy that we are Mates and if he would even want it in the first place.
Has Nik been my friend all those years or someone that just tolerated me? I know very well that I'm perhaps not the best person in the world, not even the calmest or the one that people want to be around. Mostly everyone don't really want to be around me. Why? I don't know, and at this moment I don't really care much about that or want to know. I have always had Nik and that is all that I cared about. Now, where is he? I keep wondering why he has not come to check upon me.
We were always together the entire days and barely getting a break from one another. This whole day he has not burst into my room and lifted me up and thrown me onto the bed and started to tickle me as he would do if he has been without me for a long time. He would sometimes even do it in the middle of the night. There have been incidents that Katherine has thrown us out of the room when he does that because she needs to sleep. No one should come between her and sleep, that is a crime that no one wants to commit.
I stand up from the bed, not wanting to be here when they arrive up here. Somehow I can't stand them laughing together, I can't stand them being together. It brings me shame that I hate it when they are together when all they are doing is having fun. But, I can't control these feelings that I have inside my chest, or the few feelings that I actually can feel beside the pain that has its claws deep inside my chest and doesn't want to let go of me any time soon.
Using the walls I walk out of the room and into the hallway, where I go the other way where I walk down a staircase. Slowly I make my way to the library. Knowing that there won't be that many people there, or any for that matter because they will all be with the future Alpha and Luna. Trying to catch sight of them and want to know about the future. There is nothing more pleasing than to know that the future is secure and stuff like that. Sometimes people would ask me how I felt that I would be the future Luna.
That is how much people thought that we were destined to be together. Everyone thought that we were meant to be, I thought so too. I suppose things have changed. The library is not that grand, but it might be bigger. Though, with the new technology and phones and Apple and everything books weren't that necessary and the library is rarely used. Every so often someone would be here, but it's not that likely. Sometimes Nik and I would come here just to hide when my father and his mother were looking for us, because we were in trouble.
I turn on the lights as I enter, and then I go around the shelves to find a certain book. I know it is here somewhere, I just have to find it. My legs can barely stand, but I've already established that, and I simply don't care about it the pain inside my body, I'm starting to be able to live with. I think I've started to accept it and become one with it. It's there, and I accept it for what it is and there is little I can do about it. That pain will take my life soon, it's best that I accept the future for what it is and nor hide from it.
Once I've found the book that I was looking for I go into a corner and sit down on a couch where I turn on the lamp that is there and open the book. It is a book about rejection. The book is not thick, that is understandable to me. Not much is known about rejections for it is far too rare, and the few people that get rejected rarely want to talk about it. I can understand that side. All I want to do is hide from the world and never return.
If I had been asked yesterday how much I love the world I would have answered I loved it all, but now I feel as though I've lost the sense to even love anything at all. It's all fading away from me, it's being stripped away from me. I don't know how that is possible, which is why I am here to find out. There is something very wrong (beside the obvious) with me and I want to know what that is, maybe not, so I can stop it but just so I know what is happening to me.
I read on in the book about the horrid experience that others have been through and my heart just feels for them and for myself to have to go through all of this and there is nothing that I can do. There is not a change that I will become selfish and ruin the happiness that the people that I love feel now. Both of them have been through so much, and I can't have them go through any more pain or anything like that, even if that means I will die soon enough.
Death is a part of life and even if I part from this world much sooner than I thought I would, then I have accepted it. I don't know why I have, but it appears that I have. The book referenced to seek out Witches to be able to relieve myself from the pain that plagues my body. However, this book is clearly old since it have been twenty years since Witches were hunted down by the Vampires, and they were all killed, making the species extinct now. There is no way that I would be able to seek out something that doesn't exist anymore.
I will have to live with this pain. For better or worse this has become my life now and there is nothing that anyone can do about it. Everything in this book has told me one thing and one thing alone, there is nothing that can reverse it. Once the rejection has started there is nothing that can stop it. Closing the book I let out a sigh as a tear slips down my cheek. I may have accepted death, but that doesn't mean that I want it. I don't want to die. I want to live. I want to exist. I want to be alive. I want the pain to go away. I want to be free. I want to live.