Fade in to Sarge leading Simmons and Grif across the Gulch at what could almost be called a run.
Sarge: "Come on, double time men! That goes double for you, Grif."
Grif: "Why are we always double timing, anyway? Can't we ever half-time? Or how 'bout no time?"
Sarge: "No, numbnuts. According to Simmons, the Blues have already re-established contact with their Command."
Grif: "What? That's why we're running?"
Sarge: "Of course. By now they could be receiving reinforcements. Or taking advantage of some new technological weapons development."
Grif: "Or maybe their Command has been giving them the same generic orders ours always gives us like, "try to win" and, "do better than you're currently doing." I swear, sometimes I think they don't even know our names."
Sarge: "That's just what I wanted you to hear. The conversations I had with Command always provided vital intelligence."
Shadow: "Like what?
Sarge: "Like the location of the Blue base.
Shadow: "Right there."
Sarge: "And the number of soldiers they have."
Grif: "Five."
Sarge: "Also, the location of the base."
Shadow: "Auh, you already said that one."
Sarge: "I meant our base."
Simmons: "Weren't we the ones that provided them the intel in the first place?"
Sarge: "Initially, yes. But Command processes our raw data and gives us back the key details. You may recall they sent us plans of the next phase of the war. They were stored in Lopez before he was kidnapped."
Grif: "You mean before he ran away."
Sarge: "No, I mean shut up, Grif."
Simmons: "But how do we even know he still has the plans? Last time we saw him, all that was left was a head. Maybe he stored the files in his legs, or his chest."
Shadow: "What the fuck?!"
Sarge: "You idiot, who stores memories in their chest? Don't you know anything 'bout biology? The chest is strictly reserved for digestion."
Shadow: "Who the fuck is running this army?"
Grif: "Maybe they'll send us more reinforcements like last time. Donut's arrival was a real turning point in the offensive."
Sarge: "Where is Donut?"
Simmons: "There he is. Looks like he's talking to something."
Sarge: "Looks like a rock. Grif!"
Grif: "What."
Sarge: "I need information on that rock, ASAP! Approach the target via flanking maneouver and establish defilade at that ledge, Point Alpha!"
Grif: "Or I could just look through the scope of the sniper rifle since that's worked the last eight hundred times."
Sarge: "Yeah alright fine, take all the fun out of it."
Grif looks through the scope and sees Donut talking to Lopez.
Sarge: "I like my way better. It was more dangerous for you."
Grif: "Sarge, I have great news. Looks like you're gonna get your plans after all. And I'm not gonna have to do any more running. So everybody wins."
Simmons: "What about me? I didn't win anything."
Grif: "Oh don't worry about it, I'm sure there'll be somebody's ass you can kiss."
Shadow: "And me?"
Grif: "My guess? Hang out with the blues again."
Cut to Church and Doc on Blue Base looking down at the camera.
Church: "Andy this is Doc, Doc this is Andy. Uh Andy, Doc is uh he's here to help Tucker. And he's also our worst enemy. You know- besides the Reds. And, Tex on, certain days." (Gets smacked by Ash) "Ow!"
O'Malley: "Well thank you for introducing me to your bowling ball... hello bowling ball."
Andy: "Actually, I'm a bomb."
O'Malley: "It can talk?"
Andy: "Why is that the first thing everybody says to me?"
O'Malley: "A talking bomb, you say... Hmm I could use a fellow like you in my organization."
Ash: "Yeah, we should probably point out that Andy here was specifically designed to blow up and kill you."
O'Malley: "I see... Well this is certainly awkward."
Andy: "KABOOM!"
O'Malley hurriedly backs up.
O'Malley: "Satan's bunyon!"
Andy: "Hah hah hah hah, heh, I was just kidding. I didn't really explode. Hahahahaha."
Church: "Heh heh, good one."
O'Malley: "Yes, highly amusing."
Cut back to the Reds, who have caught up with Donut and Lopez.
Shadow: "...Uh I'm not the only one seeing a talking head right?"
Sarge: "Lopez? Donut, where did you find him?"
Donut: "Right here."
Simmons: "How were you two talking? Lopez, do you speak English now?"
Lopez: "No." [No.]
Grif: "Well if he doesn't then why did he just say no in English? Busted."
Donut: "I took four years of high school Spanish. That's the best way to learn any language."
Sarge: "What've you two been talkin' about?"
Donut: "Oh, the usual Spanish fare. I told him my name, I asked him what his name was, I asked if he knew where the bathroom was, how much a ticket for the train costs, and I asked him for the cheque."
Lopez: "Por favor haz que el hombre rosado pare de hablar conmigo." [Please make the pink one stop talking to me.]
Sarge: "Ask him where he's been, no- ask him where he's going, wait- ask him if he has our secret plans. And if he missed me."
Donut: "¿Lopez, que es el tiempo? Voy a ir a la playa con mi primo quiere jugar a tenis. Yo comido un lápiz. Adios!" [Lopez, do you know what time it is? I am going to the beach with my cousin who likes to play tennis. I ate a pencil.]
Lopez: "..."
Donut: "Hmm, looks like he's not talkin' Sarge."
Sarge: "Allrright he wants to play tough, uh? I built in override codes for just such an event. Lopez! Give me root access, priority Delta One!"
Lopez: "Prioridad de Acceso solicitado. Por favor, indique el Código de Acceso." [Priority Access requested. Please state the Access Code.]
Sarge: "The Access Code is... access code."
Simmons/Shadow: "Oh you've gotta be fucking kidding me."
Sarge: "Ah, bitch about it later."
Lopez: "Código de Acceso aceptado. Saludos Sargento, ¿le gustaría jugar un...?" [Access Code accepted. Greetings Sarge, would you like to play a...]
Sarge: "Lopez, replay the intel message from Command."
Lopez: "OK." [OK.]
Grif: "See, okay, now I'm telling you this guy's faking."
Vic: "Hola hola. ¿Pueden escucharme? Hola." [Hello, hello. Can you hear me? Hello.]
Vic: "Hola hombres de Gulch Sangrosa, gracias por la información, muy provechosa." [Hey Blood Gulch Dudes, thanks for the information, very helpful.]
Shadow: "Oh come on, the recording is in Spanish?!
Grif: "That doesn't even make any sense!"
Simmons: "This guy sounds just like the guy the Blues were talking to, Vic Junior.
Shadow: (Nods) "Yeah you're right."
Simmons: "I'll bet his kids changed sides."
Vic: (continuing in Spanish) "After analyzing the data you provided..."
Sarge: "Eggs Benedict Arnold, those dirty traitors. No offense Simmons."
Simmons: "None taken, sir."
Sarge: "Traitor."
Simmons: "God dammit."
Vic: "...we have calculated a fool-proof plan for winning the war."
Donut: "Wait, how does Vic have kids? I thought he had a vasectomy."
Everyone looks at Donut, and even the recording pauses.
Donut: "Well that's just what I heard."
The recording then counties as their talk drowns it out.
Sarge: "We've got to figure out what he's saying. Donut, can you translate or can't you?"
Donut: "Uh I think he's saying something about losing his passport."
Simmons: "Well, when I was in Blue Base, Church mentioned they built a translation device out of an old bomb."
Sarge: "E-Gads, no doubt to decipher their plans to destroy us! If we don't translate the tactical plans Lopez is saying, we're all doomed!"
Sarge: "That information could save our very lives!"
Simmons: "Why don't we sneak in to Blue Base, grab the translation device, and use it on our message?"
Sarge: "I agree."
Grif: "Let us get this straight: We're going to steal a bomb from our enemies."
Shadow: "A bomb that can be remotely detonated I might add.
Grif: "And then we're gonna bring it back to our base, and all huddle around it. What a great plan.
Simmons: "Well sure, it sounds stupid when you say it like that."
Shadow: "That's because it is stupid!"
Sarge: "Go on, let's move. Somebody grab Lopez's cabeza."
Donut: "Of course."
Sarge: "That's not the cabeza Donut... "
Grif: (Backs alway) "Hey!"
Sarge: "And that's not Lopez!"