Warning: Some of these quotes might be inaccurate due to the fact they're either submissions, or I was retarded as hell!
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Waiter: *hands Rantaro the bill*Rantaro: *places uno reverse card* Here you go.
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Toko: I'm going to the store, be back in an hour.
Komaru: Bye! *Toko leaves* I'm gonna glue Frosted Flakes to my fingers.
Makoto: Why?
Komaru: Toko is 98% of my impulse control.
*On the flip side*
Komaru: I'm going to the library for a manga club reading, don't kill anyone!
Syo: Bye!!! *Komaru leaves* I'm gonna carve dicks in the wall
Toko, in Syo's mind: WHY?
Syo: Dekomaru is 98% of MY impulse control.
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Kokichi: My dearest Rantaro, my favorite human...! My most knowledgeable friend...! My-
Rantaro: What meme do you want me to explain this time?
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Hajime, about Chiaki: I wonder what she's thinking about.
Chiaki: [Mii Channel music]
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Ibuki: What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises?
Ibuki: It becomes DAYtrogen!
Chiaki: I'm going to bed.
Ibuki: Good nitrogen!
Kazuichi: Sleep titrogen!
Ibuki: Don't let the bed bugs bitrogen!
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Sonia, turning around: Please excuse my language-
Sonia, turning back to Kazuichi: SHUT THE FUCK UP!
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Tenko: I'm a lesbiab.
Tenko: Lesbiam.
Tenko: Les Bien.
Shuichi: It's okay, take your time.
Tenko: Girls!
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Kazuichi: How do make an egg laugh?
Hajime: Oh please hell no-
Kazuichi: Make it crack up
Hajime:
Ibuki, across the classroom: *falls on the floor laughing so hard*
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
*Kokichi opens the door*
Kokichi: Is Kaito here?
Shuichi: Uhh, you know what-
*Kaito throws himself through the window*
Shuichi: -he just left.
Kokichi: ...really?
Shuichi: Yeah...
*Kaito grabs his jacket from through the broken window*
Shuichi: Sorry.
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Kazuichi: I taught my dog how to say the 7 deadly sins.
Hajime: No you didn't.
Dog: Ruff
Kazuichi: See, Wrath!
Hajime: He said ruff! You can't teach a dog to-
Dog: Gluttony
Hajime: Holy shit
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Rantaro, setting up a joke: So there's this guy who can't get it up, and-
Kokichi: Wow, sounds like your life.
Kaito: Shut the fuck up!
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Fandom: I'm having a baby.
Chihiro: That's gre-
Fandom, slamming adoption papers onto the table: It's you, sign here.
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Mahiru: Chiaki, go to sleep.
Chiaki, playing a video game: I'll sleep tomorrow.
Mahiru: It's already tomorrow.
Chiaki, not looking up from her console: It's not tomorrow until I sleep.
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
*Harmony dorm group chat*
Korekiyo, with an amount of effort and emotion previously unseen in the human race: Minons are proof that humanity is doomed and can never be salvaged. They are the death of culture and they make me ashamed to be an anthropologist. In this essay I will-
The rest of the Harmony dorm: THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY FRICKIN' LIFE. MY THIRD EYE HAS BEEN OPENED.
Miu: ...All I said was that I looked up Minion porn once cause I was curious if it even happened and even I was disgusted by it...
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Ibuki: Is sand called "sand" because it's in between land and sea?
Fuyuhiko: Shut the hell up.
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Miu: Okay, i'm not trying to be a bitch.
Kokichi: The title of your biography.
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Makoto: Byakuya, how come we can't be friends?
Byakuya: It's because I can't stand you.
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Taka: You know what, bro?
Mondo: What?
Taka: If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you.
Mondo: *clutches heart* ... bro.
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Mahiru: How are you feeling?
Sonia: I have been experiencing a bad headache lately that seems to come and go...
Kazuichi, entering the room: Hey, guys!
Sonia, sighing: ...It is back again.
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
*Celestia playing Chess with Byakuya*
Hiro: *says something stupid*
Celestia, to Byakuya, smiling: Pardonnez-moi for a moment,
Celestia, to Hiro, completely pissed off: WHO THE HELL CARES, YOU WORTHLESS SON OF A BITCH!!? JUST SHOVE YOUR SHITTY WORDS RIGHT UP YOUR ASS!!
Celestia, back to Byakuya, calmly, like nothing ever happened: Ehehe.. Ahem, now, where were we...
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Shuichi: What happened, Kokichi? Tell us the truth.
Kokichi: Alright, but you can't get mad.
Maki: *glares at him* What. happened.
Kokichi: I was minding my own business-
Kaito, his fists bumping each other: BULLSHIT!
Kokichi: I WAS!
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Byakuya: He's right.
Makoto: Uh.. Thank you?
Byakuya: We're still not friends.
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Gundham: *holding open a door* After you.
Sonia: No, after you.
Gundham: I insist, after you.
Celestia: *walks through* After me.
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Gonta: Hey, wait! Gonta having one of those things- A headache with pictures!
Shuichi: An idea?
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Leon: Am I cool or what?
Byakuya: What.
Leon: I said-
Byakuya: I heard you.
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Hifumi, sweating: W-We have a complaint-
Celestia: Oh, dear me. Tell you what, why don't you write it down, put it in an envelope, tear it in half, throw it away and shut your face.
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Kokichi: Wow, there's something weird going on with your face.
Maki: What?
Kokichi: You're smiling. I didn't know you could do that!
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Peko, about Sonia: Someone needs to talk to her.
Kazuichi: I'll go!
Hiyoko: Someone with good people skills.
Kazuichi: I'll do it!
Chiaki: Someone who won't scare her away.
Kazuichi: I volunteer!
Peko, to Gundham, who is not paying attention: Good, Gundham. Thank you for volunteering.
*Kazuichi cries*
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Ghost: Boo
Hiro, freaking out and crying: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! NOT ANOTHER GHOST!!
Ghost: ..Dude chill-
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Hiyoko: Do you ever just look at Mahiru, and...
Ibuki: And what, Hiyoko-Chan-?
Ibuki: Wait are you crying???
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Makoto: Yeah, I'm okay! I'm totally okay, I just-
Makoto: *takes a deep breath and starts screaming*
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Sakura: Forgive and forget.
Kokichi: HA! No, resent and remember.
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Gonta: Leave it alone! Spider harmless and it not will do anything!
Kokichi: *steps on it* Oh it sure the fuck won't!
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
*Hope's Peak Official Group Chat*
Ibuki: Ok ok SO...
Ibuki: A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer...
Ibuki: The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food here"
*Ibuki has been removed from the chat*
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Tsumugi: Taco cat backwards is still taco cat!
Shuichi: I don't know what to do with this information-
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Hiro: BATHTUBS ARE JUST REVERSE BOATS!
Byakuya: Get away from me.
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Makoto: I'm so motivated. I'm gonna do this! I will achieve everything!
Makoto, a second later: You know my bed is actually just... better.
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Chiaki: Good morning, everyone.
Ibuki: Have you ever thought about the fact that fire trucks are actually water trucks?
Chiaki: I'm going back to bed.
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Hajime: it's still only April-
Gundham:🖤🎃🍂🕷🔮🕸🌙👁🦇🔪👣⚰️💀🖤🕷🎃🍂🕸🌙👁🦇🕷💀🖤🎃🎃🎃🖤🕷🕸⚰️🦇👁🖤💀🕸🌙🍂⚰️⚰️⚰️🔮🍂🍂🍂🔮🔮🎃🖤🖤🕸💀👁🔪👣💀🖤🍂🎃 🕸💀👁🔪💀🖤🍂🎃🔮🕸🌙👁🦇🕷💀⚰️🖤🕷🖤🕸🔮🕸🌙🦇🕷🎃👣💀🍂🖤💀🕷🕷🌙🌙🎃🍂👣🍂🕸🌙👁🎃🎃🦇🎃💀🔮
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Twogami: What's on your mind?
Ibuki: Why are cookies called cookies and bacon called bacon if you gotta cook bacon and bake cookies?
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Himiko, pointing to the top shelf: Nyeeh.. Could you please get that for me?
Tenko: So you admit, I'm important to you.
Himiko: ..I could easily replace you with a step ladder... or.. y'know.. magic.
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Person: Scissors are impractical battle weapons.
Syo: I can't hear you over the snip snip of my lovely scissors! Kyeeehahahaha!
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Ibuki: What if Cinderella was a baking slave instead of a cleaning slave and her name was Mozzarella?
Mahiru: Please Ibuki, we're trying to sleep.
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Miu: Friends? Good morning?
Miu: Ugh that's so gross.
Miu: Get up, whores!
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Kaede: Kaito, can you pass the salt, please?
Kaito: *launches Kokichi across the table*
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Akane: *ready to slap a bitch*
Fuyuhiko: *trying to ignore a bitch*
Peko: *trying to reason with a bitch*
Teruteru: *is the bitch*
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Kaede: are you okay?
Ryoma, looking off into the distance: In theory.
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Gundham: What is that glowing ORB in the sky?
Hajime: ..That's the sun.
Gundham: Very well, I, Gundham Tanaka, shall claim it with the POWER of my Four Dark Devas of Destruction!!
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Chiaki, watching the olympics: Where are Mario and Sonic?
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Ibuki: Siri, call my girlfriend!
Siri: Which one?
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Kokichi: *eating out of a jar of Nutella with a spoon*
Shuichi, walking in not seeing the jar of Nutella: Kokichi, what are you eating?
Kokichi: Miu told me to eat shit or die. I'm pretty sure she meant "eat shit AND die" but since she gave me the option I'm eating shit.
Shuichi:
Kokichi:
Kokichi: Nah I'm just kidding
Kokichi: *holds up Nutella jar* I'm eating Nutella!