Warning: Some of these quotes might be inaccurate due to the fact they're either submissions, or I was retarded as hell!
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
*In the group chat at three AM*
K1-B0: American names confuse me, how does one get "Bob" from "Robert"?
Ryoma: Yeah, like, how do you get "Billy" from "William"?
Kaede: And how do you get "Dick" from "Richard"?
Miu: You ask him nicely.
Kokichi: y
Kokichi: YOU ASK HIM N I C E L Y
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Junko: Mukuro, tell me, the baby weighs ten pounds and the cannonball weighs twenty pounds, which will hit the stone walkway first?
Mukuro: The cannonball?
Junko: Very good, but which one will bounce?
Mukuro: The baby?
Junko: Well there's only one way to find out!
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Shuichi: Kirumi! I banged on the door with all my strength but...
Kirumi: All your strength? Kaede told me to look for you, and I just heard this gentle tapping.
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
*if Taka and Mondo were kids*
Mondo: YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?!
Taka: YEAH LET'S GO BRO!
Both: *excitedly run outside to test their new kite*
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
*if the Monokubs were human*
Monosuke: So if one of us dies, what does the other do?
Monotaro: Move the corpse so it looks like it's dabbing.
Monosuke: Exactly.
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Himiko: Nyeh.. Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: No.
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Cop: I need you to identify the deceased.
Hiro, a detective in-training: *nodding* My guess is it's the dude under the sheet.
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Kiyo: I intend to get as far away from this place as possible.
Kokichi: Oh, Santa got my letter!
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Kyoko: Don't worry, Hina. Everyone's afraid of something.
Hina: Even you, Kyoko?
Kyoko: No.
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
*Class 77-B on an Aquarium Field Trip*
Hiyoko: *points to the ugliest fish*
Hiyoko, to Mikan: That one is you!
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Mahiru: Listen, I'm gonna need you to calm down.
Akane, banging her fists on the table: But how can it be birthday cake flavored if a birthday cake can be any flavor?!
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Nagito: A man was paralyzed after eating 413 chicken nuggets.
Akane, cracking her knuckles: So the limit is 412 then!
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Monokid: I'M A BADASS MOTHERFUCKER!
Monotaro: Really?
Monokid: HELL YEAH!!
Monokid: *Trips over his own feet and smacks his head into the wall*
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Syo: *Has another bad and dangerous idea*
Komaru, waking up in a cold sweat: Something is wrong.
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
McDonald's employee: Please miss, get off the table.
Akane: I ASKED FOR TWO LARGE FRIES *dumps bag of fries out on the floor* BUT INSTEAD I GOT A HUNDRED FUCKIN' LITTLE ONES!
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Miu: If I were dating you, let's just say horses wouldn't be called horses anymore.
K1-B0: I'm sorry, but what does that mean?
K1-B0: I'm shaking, WHAT DOES THAT M E A N IRUMA?
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Hiro: Swimming pools are so weird man we dig holes in the ground and fill 'em with liquid we can't breathe in and then spend an hour or so at a time trying not to drown in it.
Hina: PLEASE shut up!
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Junko: This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there!
Izuru: *drawn out sigh*
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Akane: *is crying**
Hajime: *sends her a questioning look*
Akane: It's just so beautiful.. how much they love each other..!
Hajime: It's a commercial.
Akane: *sniffles*
Hajime: For a refrigerator.
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Izuru: I am not amused.
Junko: That's because you're dead inside.
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Kokichi and Shuichi: *stare each other down from across the room*
Kokichi: *dabs*
Shuichi: STOP-
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Hiyoko: *crying*
Ibuki: Hiyoko-Chan! Why are you crying?
Hiyoko: Why aren't YOU crying?!
Ibuki:
Ibuki: *starts crying*
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Akane: I'm starving..!
Mahiru: You ate twelve times today!
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Angie: Let us all hold hands and pray!
Tenko: *tries to hold Himiko's hand*
Himiko: Don't touch me.
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Ibuki: *sniffs the air* Someone here has fries and Ibuki w a n t a
Hiyoko: Jesus, have you been possessed by a seagull?
Ibuki: Seagulls have the correct priorities in life!
Ibuki: Fries good!
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Leon: Thanks for the $500 I got for my birthday.
Byakuya: I didn't get you a present.
Leon: No, but you DID forget to log off your PayPal account.
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
*At Nighttime*
Monokuma, tilting his head to the side: Isn't it past your bedtime?
Maki, who isn't in her room: Isn't it time you die?
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Junko: Guess what I'm about to geeeet!
Izuru: On my nerves.
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Haiji: Why are you two here?
Komaru: I'm here to help.
Syo: And I'm here to make things worse!
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Kazuichi: Miss Sonia, I'll do whatever you want!
Sonia: Then perish.
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Junko: Knock, knock!
Izuru: You can knock with your hands, saying it is ridiculous.
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Rantaro: *opens messages*
Rantaro: I'll reply later.
Narrator: He didn't.
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Tsumugi: Hatsune Miku didn't have to go to school, so why should I?
Kaede: Uh.. She's not real?
Tsumugi: Don't you EVER say that to me again!
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Kokichi: My reasons for doing things: 1) spite. 2) the aesthetic. That's it.
Kokichi: Okay I lied... 3) attention.
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
*At Hope's Peak Academy's Elementary School Division*
Teacher: This assignment is easy, just write about your happiest childhood memory!
Warriors of Hope: Our what?!
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Makoto: ..What is he doing?
Hina: I don't really know-
Hiro: *screaming while playing a banjo*
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Everyone: *is asleep*
Miu, at 1 am: HAHA YA BITCHES THOUGHT I WAS SLEEPING?!
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Nagito: You use sarcasm to distance people.
Izuru: And yet, you're still here.
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Taka: MAKOTO, I APPRECIATE YOU AS A FRIEND AND COMPANION!
Makoto: H-Hey, why are you shouting?
Taka: BECAUSE IT'S IMPORTANT!
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Izuru: That was my sarcastic voice.
Mukuro: You know, it sounds a lot like your regular voice.
Izuru: I've been told that.
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Sakura: No matter what, the greatest strength comes from you.
Hina, patting her arms: And your muscles.
Sakura: ..No- I didn't mean-
Hina, continuing: Musclesssss
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Komaru, looking at a map: It's just a featureless desert out there, isn't it?
Toko: ...The other side, Omaru.
Komaru, turning map over: Oh.
⋅︓︒︑∘∗✧∘︑︒⚬∙︓·⠄✯∘⠄✧⠄
Komaru: I'll be fine!
*three seconds later*
Komaru: I'm not fine. It didn't work.