2030 words.
Sleep didn't get easier over the years. Generally, the night was the time Killua would roam the streets, searching for a conceivable approaching danger whether it was when he was looking after Gon or Alluka, but there was no such danger in Whale Island. It left Killua bored. Of course, his mind never left him completely bored, but the last thing Killua felt like listening to was his demeaning thoughts.
Darkness, but since Killua trained for late-night missions, everything appeared bright as day. He glanced over to Gon, who laid on a separate mattress adjacent to Killua's, his back faced towards the former assassin.
A familiar warmth blossomed in his chest when Gon let Killua sleep in his bed mere hours before. His welcoming smile, voice full of light-hearted laughter, "I'll let Killua sleep in my bed. I've gotten used to sleeping on the floor mattress since you stole mine when you lived here."
Killua didn't protest, but he should've thought ahead. The last time he visited, he had an attachment to Gon, sure, though it was far from this— a feeling so intense that it rattled his core and lit a fire in his soul. Especially after Gon's absence in his life up until now, the scent that suddenly surrounded his entire body left him tingly, hyper-aware, and disgustingly aroused.
He tried to distract himself in every way he possibly could, and he avoided staring at Gon, no matter what. Maybe he would get hypnotized by the ceiling fan or he'd stare out the window until his mind blanks. God, he'd do anything for that.
"Killua still has trouble sleeping?"
The transmuter's senses spike. He hears the sheets of Gon's bed crinkle. He could only see a black outline of Gon's general shape, but by the tone of his voice, Killua easily imagined his facial expression— a dark amber stare wielding wonder. However, it's different from the childish wonder, Killua could sense.
He still doesn't look at Gon.
"And do you still think sleep is a waste of time?"
The enhancer laughs, leaving Killua's ears ringing, "many things feel like a waste of time, now."
There's a marked silence.
Gon speaks again, "want to go to our stargazing spot?"
Where the feelings began. It did cause Killua to hesitate. "Was that the spot you planned on taking me?"
Gon hums; Killua imagines a small smile curling his lips, "one of them."
They sneak out the window moments later. Killua follows Gon across the roof with silent steps, careful to not wake Mito nor Alluka. The action feels natural, instinctual almost, falling onto the fluffed grass that has constant dew from the moisture in the sea breeze. Killua absentmindedly brushes his shorts off; all of his movements pause upon finding Gon staring at him, intensity rolling off in waves. "What?" Killua snapped.
"Your hair," he takes a step closer, a bit too close, "it's always been pretty in the moon-" Gon interrupts himself. He probably noticed Killua tense, thinking he went too far. "Sorry," he says in a quiet voice.
Killua struggled to bite back a frown. Why did I tense up? He thinks to himself, but he knew why. It's the same reason a virgin ceases up when touched by someone they love, admire, desire.
He opens his mouth to say something to lighten the mood; the words die on his tongue. Or perhaps, they were never there in the first place.
Gon enters the forest, and Killua follows.
The small clearing on the cliff above the lapping water seems smaller than Killua remembers. Each footstep on the rich soil feels foreign and familiar, all at the same time.
Killua sits down, crossing his legs and staring at the ground, feeling lost about it all— all of the emotions he should be feeling instead of what he is feeling, all of the responsibilities he should be thinking of rather than what he is thinking of.
"So," Gon breaks the silence. Well, silence if you don't include the trickling water or the distant hum of nocturnal wildlife. "What made Killua decide to visit? I know it's a risk staying in one area with Alluka and Nanika for long."
Killua lets out a shaky sigh, "Kurapika is aboard the Black Whale."
"Leorio told me."
Killua nods, "but Kurapika mentioned you spoke to your dad, who's leading a separate expedition."
Something about the air between them changes. Killua instantly feels like a parent lecturing a child for missing out on an opportunity when in actuality, it was quite the contrary.
"I can't use... nen anymore." Gon's lips slightly quiver, lids narrowing, and his posture timid. "Ging mentioned it's like starting over— that my nodes are shut, and-," his voice cracks, yet it's hardly noticeable, "and that I'm lucky that I have the opportunity to start over after I threw everything away."
Yes, he threw everything away. Killua swallows hard.
"I didn't even know I was hurting Killua until I saw him walking down the town streets with a young girl. No," he gulps, and Killua could hear the strain behind it, "I knew. I did what you feared most over and over again, but for some reason, I thought it would all blow over. It seemed like any other time before I saw your face."
Killua remembers the exact time Gon was speaking of. He sauntered down the paved streets of Town Square with Alluka an hour or so after she woke up. Alluka wanted to look at the new types of jewelry; Killua couldn't refuse.
Of course, he expected to run into Gon sooner or later, and he now wonders, which was harder? Seeing Gon with mangled limbs and piled with bandages? Or seeing him bright and sunny as if nothing ever happened— as if this was normal?
Amidst crowds of commonfolk and traders, Gon touched his shoulder, and the single touch of his palm told Killua, it's him. But the shock, the happiness intermingling with horror crashed like a tidal wave, and his expression told no lies. Though he couldn't see himself during that time, he could imagine what his face showed. Pupils contracted in fear, mouth slightly agape, and shoulders tense with limbs shaky. He looked at Gon like he was a monster and a god, all at once.
"Killua, what did you see when you saw me that time?"
Killua snapped back into the present. "I-" his heartbeat was too loud, a sound deadening him from the world around him. "I don't know," he half-lied.
"I see." Gon narrows his eyes, expression saddened.
Killua listens to the fire crackle, patiently waiting for his heart to beat in a tranquil rhythm before speaking again. Embers flicker like fireflies.
Fireflies. Another memory with Gon.
Killua clears his throat, "so do you plan on venturing to the Dark Continent?"
Gon turns his head, wide-eyed, "does Killua?"
"Not sure," Killua replies honestly. "It depends on a multitude of things." He smiles, "one of which depending on whether you're an easy kill or not."
"I'm not!" Gon protests.
That response breaks a dam of relief. "That's the Gon I remember. I was worried you were going to keep moping around and mumbling forever." Killua raises a whimsical brow.
Gon sticks out his tongue, but his face is serious only a second later. "Is it really starting over?"
Killua shrugs, "That's something we won't know until you get off your ass and start training. Honestly, what have you even been doing these past years."
"Normal person things. Mito wanted me to go back to school." He scratches his head awkwardly, "I was never good at math."
"That I remember."
Both boys sigh as they enter another lengthy silence. It feels better this time, though.
Killua stares at the stars, and it reminds him of a particular memory— a memory he will treasure forever and beyond.
Twelve-year-old Gon pointed at the sky as they laid on their backs next to each other. "Do you ever wonder how big the sky is?"
Killua, perplexed, replied bluntly, "no. It's useful for navigation, I guess, but anything else 'bout it seems fruitless."
Gon hums. He shifts his weight around, trying to find a comfortable body position. "Look over there," Gon's pointed finger invades Killua's peripheral vision, "the two stars by the moon."
"And?" Killua asks. It wasn't dismissive nor rude. Killua just spoke with few words, back then. Stretched communication wasn't common in missions, so he wasn't familiar with it until he was around fourteen-years-old.
"Those will be our stars!" Gon declares proudly.
Killua snorts, "you can't just claim stars, idiot."
"Why not? It doesn't have to be an official thing. It'll just be for us."
Killua hated how his cheeks burned at that. He feigns indifference, "but why would we need stars?"
Gon huffs, "well, we won't need them, but someday, you're going to find something you want to do, and I'll be with my dad."
Oh, right. It was hard to remember that he was supposed to find what he wanted to do while venturing with Gon. Everything in him said this is already everything I want.
Gon continues, "While we're apart, we'll always be under the same sky, and those two stars will always be there, as well. Always side-by-side."
"Sounds cheesy," retorted Killua, but he turned his face away from Gon to hide the raging blush scorching his cheeks as the enhancer whined next to him.
Always together, huh? Killua couldn't help the smile that curled his lips, heart thrumming.
Now, eighteen-year-old Killua stares at those same stars. One was brighter, outshining the other. For a time, Killua imagined the bright one was Gon but did Gon think the same?
Gon whispers, voice delicate as the chiming wind, "this is where Killua kissed me."
Killua didn't flinch, yet his heart still skipped a beat. "...I didn't think you remembered that."
He's too aware when Gon inches his body closer to him.
"I won't forget. Not when it's Killua."
The former assassin jolts his head towards Gon. A gasp caught in his throat as their eyes locked. Killua doesn't think he's ever seen Gon's eyes this close. At least, not in a long while. Each breath is shared, bouncing off of each other's faces, and Killua ponders, when did he get this close?
"Do you remember, Killua?"
Killua's eyes fall half-lid, but he manages to restrain himself from staring at Gon's lips, the chapped lips that were so close and easy to capture. Yes, he does remember.
"What was your reason?"
Killua's breath hitches. A reason. He snaps back into reality and abruptly stands up. The reason was why he ran away after they shared a kiss. Killua was too afraid to see Gon's reaction then and now was no different.
But Killua almost did it again. A line, thick but incredibly easy to cross, was disregarded.
"When Killua ran away, I was worried he regretted it. Was kissing me really that bad?" He sounded hurt.
Killua stares at Gon with wide-eyes. "N-no, that wasn't it." He glanced down to his feet like a small child guiltily coming clean to their parents for their misbehavior. "I ran away because..." it's hot under Gon's gaze, blazing like an inferno. Killua gulps, "I ran away because I didn't regret it, and that made me afraid." He realizes how stupid that sounds when the words leave his mouth.
Gon stands up next to him, approaching slowly, his gaze questioning if it's okay. Killua nods, and suddenly, they're standing side-by-side. They both stare at the sliver of sun peeking over the horizon. A morning breeze gently tugs the bangs out of Killua's eyes.
"Are we starting over, as well?" Gon asks.
Killua doesn't tear his gaze from the sunrise that stained the sky a myriad of pinks and oranges. He hums, a smile gracing his lips, "maybe not starting over. It's more like starting back up again."
He jolts his hand away upon feeling fingers caress his palm. He sends the enhancer a questioning look, but Gon's grin doesn't falter. Gon holds a small box of chocorobos, a shiny red ribbon tied into a bow over the box. Gingerly but surely, he places the present on Killua's palm.
"Merry Christmas, Killua."