Funerals — events that make my stomach twist and mouth hurt with the effort of keeping the cries in. I have only ever been to one — my Dad's, and I always thought that the next funeral I would attend will be Grandma Sita's.
It came as a regular thought. Grandma is already a little lost after having lost her son, John Sommers, to an untimely death. Granddad has been dead for years and Grandma is all alone.
After Mom married Panther, Grandma distanced herself from us except for occasional purposes which involved me. She loves me; I am sure of that but she hates Mom, blaming her for insulting her dead son by marrying a guy like Panther.
I think of her and my family to avoid the thought of Mr. Bell, who lies in an open casket with his eyes shut. I have heard that dead people look like they are just sleeping. That's not what I feel when I place a white tulip on Mr. Bell's chest to wish him goodbye. I feel strange. The late Parker Bell doesn't look asleep.
He looks dead.
Dressed in one of Melody's twin black dresses which reach my knees, I sit between her and Carter on the first bench in the Church as the priest gives his sermon.
"Receive the Lord's blessing. The Lord bless you and watch over you..."
I steal a glance at my surroundings. The Church is empty except for us and Mark who sits far back with his arms folded across his chest, looking bored. I wonder what he is here for. I look at Carter who hasn't spoken a word ever since the legal proceedings began. Melody was finally forced to come to the light about her true relationship with Carter. Carter was startled for a moment when she revealed to the social services that she was his aunt but he recovered quickly as if he knew that the thing was bound to happen someday.
After two days of Melody running around with legal documents, Carter remaining aloof and Mr. Bell being kept iced, the funeral was fixed. Carter was ready to give a eulogy just two days after parting ways with his mother forever.
As the priest finishes his sermon and Carter is called for his eulogy, I reach for his hand and give him a squeeze. The act snaps him to attention and he looks at me with blank eyes.
'You can do this' — I mouth him and he squeezes my hand back before getting up and walking towards his father's casket.
He stands beside the casket and looks at his audience which consists of no one other than the ones who he is used to seeing daily. In his black suit, he looks so grown up. It is like he has accepted that he is on his own now and he will have to carry his burdens by himself.
"I..." He clears his throat. "Dad and I weren't as close as we appeared to be. He...it's not that he wasn't a good father. He was when time let him. His company, which he called the source of our happiness, was doing well and he would take us on outings every Sunday when he had a holiday. My Mom..."
He trails off, closes his eyes, and inhales a breath. "She loved him too until he lost everything which made him powerful and started to take his anger out on us. I don't blame him for that. He had a bad temper...something which I believe has been carried to me. I mean...I think...I just want to say that...he...he was..."
I feel the tears in his eyes but they aren't to be seen. I don't think he knows that we won't judge him if he starts to cry right here, right now. We all feel what he is going through and beside me, Melody is already sobbing.
"I'm sorry," he says. "I can't do this.
He turns to the priest and nods apologetically; the priest does the same before Carter walks back to us and lands back on his seat.
We stare at him, patiently waiting because we know what is about to come next. The boy before me is hiding too much grief underneath his hard exterior. He has too much to bear, too much weight on his shoulders which pushes him down. At this moment, he looks like he has had enough and under our watch, he finally breaks down.
He puts his elbows on the desk before him and covers his ears with his hands as if trying to block the silence out. His body shakes and his feet tap against the floor. He doesn't want to cry and he won't. His tears dried up in his mother's grave but the pain didn't.
The sound of his tapping feet is the only thing that breaks the silence of the solemn Church.
***
It rains when Mr. Bell's body is about to be lowered six feet underground. The air becomes chilly and I wrap my hands around my body to stop the shivers. Melody notices me and signs me to take shelter under her umbrella. Carter doesn't join us. His eyes remain fixed on the grave as it is covered with soil again. The priest mutters some prayers and pats Carter on his back in a comforting way before leaving the place, followed by the other Church staff.
We stand there — Melody and I weeping while her black umbrella shelters us from the rain and Carter standing beside his father's grave with his hands in the pockets of his black dress pants, getting drenched in the rain.
It is only after the rain stops that we decide that it is time to go back home. Melody calls Carter but he avoids her. He has been distant from her lately; it is like he is upset with her for suddenly becoming a crucial part of his life. The woman who was once his father's 'nurse' will live with him as his guardian now till he finishes high school.
"Does he hate me?" Melody asks me when Carter doesn't answer her for the umpteenth time.
"He's just going through a lot. Give him some time," I say to her, touching her arm to assure her that it will be okay. "You go ahead, we'll join you."
She nods and closes her umbrella before walking away, leaving me to deal with Carter. I walk up to him and put a hand on his arm since, at my height, his shoulder is almost unreachable to me. He looks at my hand and then at me. There is a thoughtful look on his face but it disappears, replaced by the sucking of his bottom lip between his teeth when he sees me.
"Home?" I say and he nods, wrapping his arms around my waist and lying his head on my shoulder.
I stand surprised by this action and it takes me a second to realize that he is hugging me. I wrap my hands around his waist to hug him back. His clothes are completely wet but I don't mind. The warmth of his body is still there, under all those layers of clothing. He is still my Carter; a little lost but still mine.
"What a lovely pair you two are!"
The voice makes us pull away and we find Mark standing beside us, clapping slowly. He looks cleaner than he usually does. His hair is tied up in a bun behind his head and the black clothes he is wearing look freshly pressed and neat. His lip ring is still there but his face is clean-shaven. He looks less wild as he grins at us.
I feel my cheeks warm up. Detangling myself from Carter, I turn to face Mark. Carter keeps one of his hands at the small of my back, keeping me attached to his side.
"I have been wanting to have a word with you, Carter," Mark says, and then his eyes flicker to me. "—alone."
"Speak in front of her," Carter says, his voice resolute. "She knows."
Mark appears startled by that and he takes his time to look between us to comprehend what he just heard. I look at the ground when he looks at me, the reaction confirming that I indeed know things that he probably never wanted me to know.
"Okay, that's new," he comments and Carter rolls his eyes.
"What do you want?"
"Relax boy, just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry for what happened."
Mark's voice is far from emotional. I doubt if they carry even an ounce of sympathy.
"Don't pity me. Get to the point," Carter snaps.
Mark blinks, looking at Carter in awe before his lips curve to a slight smirk. "Fine, you got me." He laughs at his own joke but then his face is back to mean business. "There's a fight this Saturday. It has money, both for you and me. I want you in..."
"I won't fight anymore."
I snap my eyes to Carter just as Mark stops speaking midway. Carter is looking at Mark and he sounds extremely serious.
"What do you mean?" Mark asks and then chuckles. "C'mon boy, I know you just lost your dad but be a man, dude!"
"Dad's gone. Our deal's over, Mark," Carter says. "I was doing this for Dad's treatment and it has done no good to me. I'm out."
"But you can't!"
"It's my choice. I don't need your money anymore. I have enough to complete my studies and the rest I can live without."
Mark grits his teeth, his fingers curling into fists and I hold Carter's arm tightly when I see anger flare in his eyes.
"You can't betray me, boy. I won't take it," he seethes. "You'll fight and you'll bring me money or else I'll make sure he sees to your punishment."
Carter smirks and raindrops falling from his wet hair make him look even more devilish than Mark in this confrontation.
"I'm not scared of anyone, Mark. Do whatever the fuck you can but I'm no longer fighting for you." Carter's hand falls from my waist and he instead takes hold of my hand, intertwining our fingers together. "Leave us alone now."
He pulls me with him as we pass by Mark and I follow gladly. This is like a new beginning for Carter and I feel positive about the choices he is making.
"You fucking bitch!"
We stop in our tracks and my heart skips a beat when we hear that. We turn around and find Mark's eyes on me now.
"Wh—what?" I ask, squeezing Carter's hand in the process.
"You're the reason why he is doing this. You made him do this," Mark bellows at me and I feel Carter tense underneath my touch. "It was going fine before you came along. You'll pay for this, girl. I'll make sure of it."
Carter lets go of my hand and stalks towards Mark. I watch dumbfounded as he grabs Mark by the collar and lands a hard punch on his jaw. Mark stumbles and his foot trips, making him fall beside Mr. Bell's grave.
He screams when his hand gets twisted and he falls above it, making me hiss at the sight. Carter grabs his collar again and pulls him to a sitting position to face him.
"That's my girl you're talking to," Carter warns. "And if you hurt a single hair on her head, I'll make you beg for death."
He pushes Mark and the man cries out again as his hand snaps, the sound of bones cracking clear in the air.
"Carter! He's hurt," I shriek, my eyes tearing up at the pain Mark must be in.
Carter reaches into Mark's pocket and hands him his phone before standing up and walking back toward me.
"Let's go, love," he says, forcing me to turn around so that I can no longer see the injured man. "He'll be fine."
We walk off with me sobbing with both fear and sympathy for Mark while Carter keeps me tight in his hold. As we are about to reach the car, my phone rings, and I dig into the pocket of my dress to retrieve it. It is an unknown number.
"Hello?" I receive the call, my voice shaking.
"Am I speaking to Amaya Sommers, Mrs. Victoria Gonzales' daughter?" a lady's voice greets my ear.
"Yes, this is she."
"Miss. Sommers, we're sorry to inform you that your mother was just shot by her husband and is currently undergoing treatment in our..."
The rest of the words faint for me as I drop the phone from my hand and turn to a side to throw up.