I don't recall how I got into my apartment that night, after the wedding, but I woke up with a killer hangover. I turned to grab my phone and saw a box of Advil, a glass of orange juice and a massive tumbler of water acting as a stand for a letter.
I took the pills and downed the water before roughly opening the letter.
Dear Maeve,
Thank you for being my date to my first wedding, it was very enjoyable and it's safe to say, very memorable.
I had a really great time, and you really impressed my co-workers. They have even invited you to all of our office parties, so we have that to look forward to.
Sorry again for springing the whole couple thing on you, but I have to say you handled it better than I could have – maybe you've learnt how to be a compulsive liar without me knowing.
I think we are very good at weddings; we should start crashing some now and then, don't you think?
You passed out in my car, and I'm writing this after dragging you upstairs. I know you'll have a hangover so when you call me I'll be sure to not scream on the other line.
Love H.
I grudgingly got out of bed, squeezing my head between my hands as I walked over to the bathroom. I stepped under the tepid water once I got into the shower, hoping it would wake me up – I never really liked scolding hot showers since it would flare up my eczema.
I brushed my teeth afterwards and walked back to my room to throw on a t-shirt and shorts whilst I attempted to call Harry. He didn't pick up but I just assumed he was at the gym or something.
I walked into my kitchen, downing another glass of water before I grabbed the box of cinnamon toast crunch.
Maria walked into the kitchen a couple of minutes later, yawning whilst trying to talk. I looked at her in a confused way, and this time waited until she was done yawning to talk to me.
"How was the wedding?"
"Yeah, it was good. Got a bit drunk, but it was really fun. I think I caught the bouquet, but I don't really remember actually catching it, I just remember walking out with it." I stood up to wash my bowl and set it aside to dry whilst Maria stood next to me making her scrambled eggs. "Can I ask you a question?" I asked uncertainly.
"Hm?" She hummed whilst scraping the eggs from the pan into her plate. She turned to look at me and I decided to just speak before I had second thoughts.
"Have you ever looked at someone and just for a split second, wanted to kiss them? Someone you shouldn't want to kiss." I blurted out. I knew I wasn't making any sense, but I was hoping she would get the picture. It was a weak moment but it was all I had been, but it would make me feel a lot better knowing I wasn't the only person to have felt weird about a friend before.
"Did you want to kiss Harry last night?" She said matter-of-factly like it was something normal to say. It took me by surprise, but not for long, knowing how well she knew me, and how I sucked at lying.
"Yeah, kind of." I sighed, realising how confused and stupid I sounded. I scratched the side of my neck before joining her on our little 2-seater table in the corner of the kitchen. "We were dancing, and it was really nice and I looked up and him and I, just for a second I...really wanted to kiss him. I freaked out and ran to the bathroom, and then spent the night drinking." Maria didn't interrupt me once whilst I was talking, and I couldn't really get a clear answer by the look on her face. When I finished, she nodded, sucking in her cheeks while I anticipated her answer.
She took a couple of bites of her breakfast but continued to have an expressionless look on her face. I was hoping she would have had more of a concrete answer to give me, but at this point, I would have taken any advice. I just knew if I kept it bottled up, the thought would eat at me until I burst and did something stupid like actually kiss him.
"I don't think it's weird. Has this ever happened before?" She asked and I took a second to ponder. I knew he was attractive, I wasn't blind, but it was Harry. I made it a point to not think about him like that, well to not think about him like that consciously. It would be messy and would probably fuck up our friendship, which is way too important to me. Anyways, he probably never thought of me in that way either since we knew too much about one another. And from what I inferred, I wasn't exactly what he looked for in women.
"Yeah but they're normally unconscious thoughts," I confessed, widening my eyes in disbelief.
"What sort of unconscious thoughts?" She asked, raising an eyebrow suggestively.
"Maria..." I groaned, rolling my eyes. "He's been my best friend since we were 14, and I'm not blind. But sleeping Maeve is different to conscious Maeve."
"Oh, what's sleeping Maeve dreaming of?" She wiggled her eyebrows, leaning closer on the table.
I raised an eyebrow, debating on whether or not I should disclose the information I managed to hold for nearly 4 years. "Have I never told you?" I asked before she shook her head in anticipation. "You can't tell anyone, I mean it. Especially not Harry. And don't go on about how it's a sign that we should get together. My unconscious mind is my literal enemy." I pointed a finger at her sternly as she pushed the plate out of the way, excitedly anticipating the information.
"I won't, I won't, just tell me." She grinned stupidly.
"I had a dream. About him." I stated.
"What type of dream?" She asked but I could tell she had already caught onto what I was saying.
I rolled my eyes and took a deep breath before telling her. "The summer after senior year, this is so dumb, I...had a sexdreamabouthim," I mumbled quickly, wrapping my arm around my neck.
"Are you serious? Shut the fuck up and tell me everything!" She yelled out, shaking my arm aggressively.
"Maria, don't make me regret this, I've never told anyone. The worst part was that he was sleeping on the bed next to me-"
"Is this part of the dream?" She asked, interrupting me eagerly.
"No, no, I meant that he stayed over for the night. I'm pretty sure I don't talk when I sleep but nonetheless I felt awful when I woke up. Anyway, I didn't think much when I saw him asleep other than he had a tan and looked nice. That was all I thought and then I went to sleep." I explained, taking another deep breath as I rolled my eyes. I knew I could trust Maria with my life, but it was truly the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to me and rehashing out the memory wasn't that fun.
"Mae I swear to god if you don't tell me the actual dream, I will-"
"Okay Okay! I was in the bath - I was having a bubble bath and he was sitting opposite me and then he gave me a look and I moved towards him until I was sitting...on him and I started to move." I admitted quickly, grimacing at the sole thought of it all.
"So you were riding him?" She asked for clarification.
"Oh my god, Maria!" I cried out covering my blushed face with my hands. Even telling Maria felt illegal - it was Harry for god's sake. I peaked through my fingers before removing my hands off of my face and ran them through my hair. "Yes, if you must know, that was the dream. And I woke up so freaked out, I mean he was lying next to me. I didn't talk to him for a whole day. Google said it was normal to have dreams like that though. It was his damn tan I swear." I shook my head in regret as Maria started to burst out laughing, looking at me with absolutely no sympathy. I hope she was enjoying it because I definitely was not.
"Did you like it?" She asked after a good minute of her cackling and drying her eyes theatrically.
"What?" I replied, absolutely mortified.
"Did it feel good in the dream?" She clarified, gesturing towards me.
"I...suppose so. I seemed to like it in the dream, but I was also a virgin at the time so it was really confusing. It was weird - how could I have felt a feeling that I had never experienced before." I explained, trying my hardest to articulate the thoughts I had at the time. Yes, in the dream I seemed to be liking it, but it wasn't real.
"That's the best thing I've ever heard. I don't remember any of my dreams and here you are having wet dreams about your best friend. Wow." She breathed out in wonderment, leaning back on the chair. I knew it was sort of a big deal, but I wasn't really scared, I knew she wouldn't actually tell anyone.
"You can't tell anyone. I mean it. I didn't even tell him." I started just as she shot me a surprised look. "We've always kept our distance when it came to things like that. I don't need to know the innermost details of his sex life and he doesn't need to know mine." I explained to her as she continued to shake her head in awe. I couldn't help but roll my eyes at her disbelief - I knew it was a shock but still.
"So you guys never talk about sex?" She asked.
I shook my head and took a sip of my water before continuing. "Not really. We both know of when we lost our virginities but I don't think I'd be comfortable listening to every one of his sexual conquests and I doubt he wants to know about the shitty sex I had with Sanjay." We both obviously knew the other had sex, Harry more than me, but it was never really the topic of conversation. I knew it could sometimes get messy especially in friendships like ours so we ultimately decided there was no need to discuss it. I had Maria and Harry had Jonathan for things like that.
"God Sanjay was awful wasn't he?" She remembered, grimacing at the memory whilst she took a few sips from my glass.
"He wasn't that bad, well, up until he accused me of cheating. I've seen worse." I admitted casually. "So back to last night. It's not a big deal, it's just a weird intrusive thought right?" I asked, hoping she could offer me some insight.
"I think you're bound to have a thought or a dream here and there just because you guys are close friends. I don't think it's anything to worry about though, genuinely." She explained plainly and walked up to wash her plate. I knew she's right. I spent the majority of the morning telling myself it was nothing to worry about but having someone tell me felt 100x better. And that's the same thing Google told me when I was 18. It was just because we were close emotionally and anyways, my dreams were always really weird so I tried to not overanalyse them too much.
"Wait, do you think you're attracted to him like that?" She said suddenly, pulling me away from my thoughts. I let out a loud laugh before answering.
"No." I waved my hand dismissively, "I mean I know he's an attractive person, I've spent the last 6 and half years listening to girls go on about him and how hot he is and how good he is in bed like what the hell am I supposed to do with that information? I can't exactly agree with them, can I?" I asked rhetorically. "Has sleeping with I'm crossed my mind? Obviously, but I would never actually act on it. Like last night, yes I've obviously thought about kissing him but I would never actually do it. It would fuck everything up. It's like an intrusive thought. You're right it's just because we're close. I'm not going to worry about it anymore." I rambled on until I reached a conclusion.
Maria had turned to face me, giving me a disapproving look that I blatantly tried to ignore. "Don't look at me like that, I know you're in on Ishmael's bet." I scoffed, before walking out of the living room and planting down on the couch. Honey pounced up next to me, walking around in a circle before planting herself down, half on my thighs, half on the couch.
"I didn't say anything! I think it's perfectly normal for you to have some thoughts about him, you're right, he's a nice looking fella. But when you do sleep with him, tell me in advance so I can back out of Ishmael's bet. I'd owe him a lot of money" She said, kneeling up on the other side of the couch, scratching Honey's back whilst I patted her head.
"You'll be the last to know." I deadpanned flicking through the sitcom section of Netflix. Unsurprisingly, I landed on New Girl again.
"Are you busy today?" I asked, resting my head against the backrest and turning to face Maria who looked engrossed by the TV.
She shook her head without removing her gaze from the screen. "I was going to see Gwen later, she gets off around 5. I haven't seen her all week."
"Do you want to do something?" I asked unenthusiastically. "They're playing Pretty Woman at the old Theatre, do you feel up to it?" I yawned, snuggling up on the couch even more.
"I mean this in the nicest way, but I am only getting off this couch at 5 to see Gwen. Not a minute before." She said and I smiled to myself, glad that she caught my drift. I only said that to be nice, but the pounding headache I had because of the hangover was still evident and I really was in no mood to actually leave the apartment.
"I think I had 4 vodka cranberries yesterday - I swear the bartender put crack in them, I kept going back for more-" I began to tell her more about the wedding when she interrupted me.
"Were you both naked?" She asked, completely dismissing what I said beforehand.
"What?"
"In the dream."
I glanced over at her and she nodded her head as if I was the stupid one. "For god's sake Maria. Yes, we were in a bath." I replied frustratedly.
"That's so wild man!" She said excitedly, shaking poor Honey awake. I glared at her before cradling my poor kitten in my arms, trying to soothe her as Maria continued to shake her head in disbelief.
"This doesn't leave this living room and I won't listen to any of that 'it just slipped out' bullshit, I mean it," I said firmly before turning to talk to Honey.
"Still I can't believe you fucked Harry!"
"In a dream! It hardly counts." I countered.
Turned out I couldn't spend the entire day in the living room since I had to pick up the watercolour set I left in the college art studio. I realised around 3 after we ordered some food, so I got dressed and quickly went downstairs to the laundry room to get some washing done. And whilst I was refilling my basket, I got a call from my parents.
"Hey Bug, how was the wedding?" My dad asked once I put it on speaker and bent down to the dryer.
"Good, I'm pretty sure I caught the bouquet. It was really gorgeous, and I met some of Harry's coworkers. Dan and Cameron were really sweet, they kept coming back to talk to us - Dan kept praising Harry for all the work he does, it was nice." I said.
"You guys look really cute in the picture - like a proper couple." I heard my mom's voice on the phone, making my eyes roll. I sent it to them during the wedding, before I was completely out of my mind.
"Harry's actually seeing a girl from my art class, so enough with the couple jokes." I scolded her, resting the basket on my hips before walking towards the elevator.
"Oh, that's a shame. Oh well, it probably won't last anyway and then you can swoop in." My mom clicked her teeth, sounding very disappointed. I really thought after the 6 years of me being friends with him, she'd drop it, but she was still very much adamant.
"Mom. You can't say stuff like that, and there will be no swooping in from my part." I shook my head, silently groaning before deciding to change the subject. "What are you guys up to today?"
"We just came back from watching some artsy Swedish film. Your dad liked it but I couldn't follow the plot to save my life." She sighed helplessly whilst I heard my dad mutter something. "Do you and Harry still do your Tuesday movie dates?"
Harry and I watched a movie every Tuesday. It was one of those things that we somehow just carried through with us, through high school and college. It wasn't even something we talked about, we just knew that after his English lecture finished at 4:30, we would walk to the movie theatre 20 minutes away from his building. We even watched the shitty movies that no one went to watch - I felt compelled to since an entire cast and crew worked on making the movie, so even if it was bad, they still deserved a chance. It wasn't a massive commitment but we always made it. We obviously would excuse finals weeks or when one of us were really busy, but it was normally the highlight of my week so I always tried to make it.
"Yes, but they aren't dates, come on Mom."
"Same thing." She mumbled under her breath before my dad took over. "Did you guys have a nice time though?"
"Yeah, I actually had a lot of fun. Got a bit too drunk, but it was a really nice night." I said with a sense of contentment in my voice.
My dad ended up talking about Connor's band and how they were actually playing at some kid's party in a few weeks and how Public Pool was practising like it was the X factor or something. I hung up and said bye to Maria who was leaving early to get Gwen something to eat, leaving me and Honey to sort through my laundry.
Honey, like other cats, was very content in being by herself, but she was also always up for cuddles. She almost never minded when I basically suffocated her in a hug. And when she was in the mood she would follow us around all day - follow was a bit of stretch since I only really ever moved from the couch to the kitchen. The best thing about Honey though was that she never went near any of the artwork I did. Maria's was all digital so she didn't have to worry about that, but mine was a lot of massive canvases and actual paintings, but she never really went near any of it - I guess she found it boring.
I grabbed a cheeseburger from the drive-thru since I was still hungry, before driving over to the art studio - I had a fob so I could quickly run in and out.
As I walked to the studio, half a cheeseburger hanging from my mouth as I grabbed the keys, I noticed the door was already open. I pushed it open slowly and saw the backlights were on.
"Hello?" I called out mid-chew.
"Maeve? Hey, what are you doing here?" Rina poked up behind her easel. Her hair was put into twists, different from the afro I saw her in earlier the week.
She was wearing the jumpsuit I had seen her wear before, with a couple of paint splotches on the side. Even in the messy clothes, she looked amazing, whilst I was wearing one of my dad's old t-shirts with a greasy cheeseburger in my hand.
I quickly swallowed it down before clearing my throat to answer her. "Hey, I forgot my watercolours, what about you?" I walked over to my small cubby hole, grabbing my set before stuffing them back into my tote. I discarded the remains of the cheeseburger in the bin, deciding I wasn't hungry anymore whilst I waited for her answer.
"I was just getting some work done. I felt this rush of inspiration and borrowed the key off Josh and have been working since like 12." She said as I walked over to look at her work.
We had a lot more room to do what we wanted this semester, and I decided to do a collection of pieces where I modernised old renaissance paintings. I had already started working on a version of Sistine Madonna by Raphael of the two standing on a New York Subway train.
I ended up sitting with her for a while, talking about our pieces. I even showed her the piece I did last semester which was a collection called I called Youth. There was one I did of my friends and I all aged around 14 sitting around a table playing poker. I made Maria and the guys send me like 50 pictures of themselves from around that age just so that I could make it authentic. I wanted to do us from a younger age but I knew Harry didn't have that many pictures of himself before he moved to America, especially since his father kept most albums and I didn't want to trouble Harry.
I liked sketching him, I never really felt the initial stress of drawing someone since I'd been drawing Harry ever since I met him.
Sometimes when we were together in class or at my house, I would whip out the sticky note packet I had buried in my pencil case and just start sketching him from whatever angle I could see. It wouldn't take me that long, especially as we got older as it became like a natural thing my hand had become accustomed to. And every time I finished; I would stick it on his forehead if I was with him or tuck it inside his locker if I wasn't.
He once told me that he kept them all, but I wasn't absolutely convinced until he brought a notebook in, filled with different neon-coloured notes, stuck on nearly every single page. It was like I had sketched him from every angle, even if it was the back of his head.
Rina was doing a collection of pieces called The Emotions of Women - her chosen medium was clay so she liked to get her hands dirty. She had a really cool background since she did a lot of travelling and she said she found it easier to mould people.
Amidst our conversation, she checked her phone and suddenly it was 7pm. I didn't think we had been speaking for that long, but I guess the 2 hours flew by without me realising. We began cleaning up when we realised how long it had been when I got a text from Harry.
H: Sorry, I was busy. I was doing some work when Andrea came around, started screaming at Ishmael so the rest of us bolted, and I forgot my phone at home. We hung out at Benjamin's house for a while.
Benjamin was Nick's friend who lived a couple of streets from Harry. He was actually a really good cook so at least they'd get a nice meal out of the situation.
M: It's fine, I'm in the art studio with Rina.
H: I was just about to call her but I'll give in half an hour. Don't want to disturb you guys.
She was by the sink cleaning the equipment when she suddenly spoke up. "Maeve?" She asked with her back turned away from me.
"Yeah?"
"Can I ask you a question?" She turned the water off, just before I hummed a yes. "Don't take it the wrong way but have you and Harry ever dated, or got together?"
The age-old question. I exhaled with a smile on my face just as she turned around. "Nope, nothing has ever happened between us. Well, we were each other's first kiss, but I sort of forced him to do it when we were 15 and it was not romantic at all."
"So, you've never hooked up or anything?" She asked, wiping her hands on her apron before taking it off.
"What? No, no, no, haha." I laughed off. The whole thing would be so awkward, just the idea of It made me laugh most of the time.
"Why not?"
"Why not?" I repeated, narrowing my eyes at the oddness of the question.
"No, no, I didn't mean it like that." She breathed out, frustrated with herself. "It's just... you guys are really close and I just want to be clear I'm not getting in between anything."
"Rina, there has never been anything between us and nor there ever will be," I assured her seriously, placing my hand on her shoulder in support. "We are just friends, honestly. And anyway, why would I set you two up if I was in love with him?" I chuckled turning around to grab my bag from the other table.
"It's not you I am worried about." I heard her whisper under her breath as she switched the lamp off. I threw the bag over my shoulder, pretending I didn't hear her and stood at the door waiting for her. I didn't know why she was worried about him, he had never made the impression that he thought of us as being anything more than friends.
There was nothing going on between us, I didn't understand how to make it clearer. It wasn't like I constantly texted him or called him or laid a claim on him or anything. I didn't think I gave her a reason to think anything had gone on between us.
I understood why she asked, I knew it shocked people when I said nothing had happened, but I didn't want to ruin Harry's first relationship - I didn't want her to think I was a homewrecker. Was Harry great? Of course, but we were friends, nothing more.
"Are you hungry? Do you want to grab some dinner or something?" Rina asked closing the studio door behind her.
"Oh, I should get home, I need to feed my cat Honey otherwise she'll massacre me but I will take you up on that offer another time." I smiled at her before waving goodbye and climbed into my car.
What do you or plan on majoring in? I major in Politics and International Relations, so I'm very fun around the holidays.
Thanks for reading - Billie x