Neel was not surprised when Saturday he found that Manjari was not home. She was running. Again. The question was where was she hiding? He decided to check the park and a few other places where parents usually spent time with their kids. But there was no sign of them. Where were they?
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Manjari was in Central Park with Amaira They had reached New York City last night and were staying with Abhija- her college friend who was doing her post-doc from Columbia University. Abhija had reached out to her when she had heard that Manjari was going to be in Yale. She had been pressing her to spend a weekend with her and Manjari took that offer now to escape Neel. She was going to be in NYC for a fortnight. Yale would soon close down for Christmas break and she had sent her supervisor an email last night telling her that she would be in NYC for the next two weeks and also requested her to not share her location with anyone. She did not wish to talk to Neel at all. Confrontations were not her forte. She let out a heavy breath, trying to stave off the crushing feelings in the middle of her chest that was making it difficult to breathe. She should be happy. She had avoided Neel. Hopefully, he would stop pursuing her too and life would go back to her pre-Neel times. She should be relieved, but she was not. She looked at Amira who was playing with her new friends unaware of her inner struggle. She felt a familiar sting of tears as she fought the urge to give in to a good cry.This was the moment of truth for her. There was no more denying it or avoiding it. Neel had managed to get under her skin, so much so that he practically lived there. Everything reminded her of him and without him she felt empty. Had she overreacted? Jumped the gun? Could they have made it work? And if yes, at what cost? She did not want to sacrifice her self worth, her integrity again. She was still recovering from the wounds of the past and did not want new injuries. And yet, deep down she knew that she wanted him. Releasing a long breath, she stood up to walk around. It was getting colder and it would be a white Christmas. Christmas spirit was in the air yet there was no joy in her heart.
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Amaira had slept off early today. She and gone to the Christmas Market at the 14th street and had got tired with all the walking. Manjari and Abhija were watching a movie on the laptop. Manjari knew that she owed Abhija an explanation. She had opened her home and heart for her and her daughter and had not asked any questions when she found Manjari crying in the kitchen one morning. She had simply patted rubbed her shoulder, made her some tea and taken Amaira off her hands. Yet she could see the silent questions in her eyes. The movie was a romance and Manjari felt the hollowness inside her heart again. Neel had called her, messaged her, non -stop for the past few days and she was constantly curbing the urge to take his call, to speak to him or respond to his messages. His messages. They were poems. Love poems. Couplets. They came to her a couple of times a day. She scrolled through her messages and read what he had sent her:
I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz, or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off. I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul. I love you as the plant that never blooms but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers; thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance, risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body. I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way than this: where I does not exist, nor you, so close that your hand on my chest is my hand, so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep. "
Her breaths started to come in shallow gasps, and she stood up, trying to keep her emotions in check. She knew he would have kept his words and come to her house on Saturday to only find that she was gone. She was still thinking of him when her phone rang. She looked at the phone screen. It was Neel. She rubbed her hands all over her face while the ringing from the phone continued to echo in the room.
"Who is it"? asked Abhija.
"No one," said Manjari. She muted her phone and when it stopped ringing, she rubbed her temples, trying to think through the hurt that was defining her very existence now.
"What—Manjari-are you alright", asked Abhija concerned as she reached for her hand. "What happened Manjari", asked Abhija again.
"Nothing. I am sorry", Manjari said." Do not pay attention to me"
"What do you mean 'don't pay any attention to me?'. There is something that is upsetting you. Maybe I can help...I do not like to see you like this," she continued to say.
"If you need an ear to listen or anything else, I am here."
Manjari was overcome by her kind gesture and could only nod her head. Her phone began to buzz at the same time. It was a message from Neel. Abhija looked at her and said, "someone is desperate to talk to you. Take the call..." and patting her on her hand made her way to her bedroom.
Manjari read the message again and again till the words begun to blur into each other:"so, I wait for you like a lonely house till you will see me again and live in me. Till then my windows ache."Manjari breathed through her emotions building up in her chest. She wanted to speak to Neel. She knew he deserved an explanation, but she was not looking forward to the conversation. He had been good to her, cocky but good. It was time to be honest with him, even if it was going to hurt. But not today. Not now. She went to Abhija's room and knocked at her door. She desperately needed to speak to someone on this as her head was a jumble of emotions.
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Manjari was on her second cup of tea. She had her phone in her hand and she kept wanting it to ring. She went back to the conversation she had last night and things were clearer now. Abhija's words still rang in her eyes. She had called her bluff of "it is better this way" and pointed out how it seemed she wanted the thing between her and Neel to not work. It was Abhija who asked her how she would have felt if Neel would have ignored her for a week. " It is all about balance Manjari," was Abhija's advice. She had been blunt when she told Manjari that Amaira was a part of her life, not her LIFE. Her love for Amaira couldn'tand should not overshadow the other aspects of her life. Abhija's words still rang in her ears, "Happily Ever After doesn't exist. Every day you wake up and decide to love your partner and your life—the good, the bad and the ugly. Some days it is a struggle and some days you feel like the luckiest person in the world. There is no way that you two are going to be gaga over each other for the rest of your life. That is unrealistic. You guy will fight, have arguments and that is healthy. A couple that fights often stays stronger", she had said with a smile. She had looked at Manjari and said, "This Neel sound wonderful. Give him a chance. Give yourself a chance. You are a wonderful person and you deserve all this love and affection. Let yourself be loved. Stop hiding. Your ex was crap but that does not mean everyone is going to treat you like him. In a day, or a week, or maybe even longer, you'll look at that person and a giant wave of love will inundate you, and you'll love them so much you think your heart can't possibly hold it all and is going to burst. Because a love that is alive is also constantly evolving. It expands and contracts and mellows and deepens. It is not going to be the way it used to be or the way it will be, and it should not be."
Manjari had spent the entire night thinking about what Abhija had said. She had recognized the truth in her words. She feared getting hurt but who said that the path to companionship, trust and affection did not involve falling, breaking a few legs and ribs. Abhija had been a saviour. She had volunteered to take Amaira with her today giving her time and space to work this out. She checked her phone as it pinged. She had one new message. From Neel. It was a love poem again. And this time by E.E. Cummings.
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it(anywhere i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)
i want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret
nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
And like clockwork, her phone rang. Manjari took a deep calming breath, accepted the call and said
"Hello". Neel could not believe his ears when he heard her voice. He felt his eyes water and he blinked them rapidly.
" I miss you", he said and promptly smacked himself. No hello. No how are you? No. Straight, I miss you. He was an idiot. She did not say anything and the silence between them stretched. "How have you been? he asked. Where are you?"
"Fine. NYC."
"Right". He knew he had hurt her deeply. She had been struggling with her feelings for him and her responsibility towards Amaira and he had mocked her for it.Manjari felt the silence stretch and become strained. It had never been like this between them.
"I want you", said Neel. There was a longing in his voice that Manjari found hard to dismiss. "I want you back. I am sorry for saying all those things. Please give me a chance to prove to you that this would not happen again."
His words had begun to reach apart of her that had begun to waver. She could not deny that she wanted him, wanted this thing between them to work. "It does not work this way Neel", she said and curbed her desire to say I miss you too and yes, I trust you. She needed some ground rules in place. "You cannot fix everything with I am sorry, and I miss you". Liar! Her heart said. Because all Manjari could think of was the feel of his lips against her skin in a sensual path.
"Then tell me how I can make this better between us, he implored. I know you want me too, he said, or you would have never left like this.""You are right. I want you, but I fear what comes with that. And that is the stuff I do not want to deal with. Again. It took me seven years to get out of one abusive relationship and another three years to be able to stand on my feet. I cannot risk my self -worth and self-esteem for anything. Nothing is worth that kind of heartache..."
"I was scared". The sincerity in his voice pulled at her heartstrings again and she wanted to give in, but she resisted. Patience, she told her mind. Patience, she warned her heart, patience, she implored her body."Why would it be different this time?"
"Because I love you". She scoffed at his words.He tried again. "I was not happy when you were not here. Being with you makes me happy. I cannot think of my life without you. And like you and your presence make me happy, I wish to make you happy. I want to be the one that makes you smile. I do not want to be the one you cry over or the one who made you cry". She chewed her lips thoughtfully, trying to weigh the truth behind his words and take a decision. As if sensing that she was wavering, he continued, "we are good together. We are two parts of a whole. I know that you do not believe in soulmates, but you are mine. With you I am complete. We are wrapped in our individual stories yet still in sync with each other."
Manjari remembered the days they had spent together, she remembered how he had kissed her and made her forget everything. She remembered his patience with her, but she also remembered the heartache he had because it was still raw.
"You have the power to absolutely break me, Neel," she said, the words coming out of her mouth against her will.
"Same," he whispered.
"Really??"? she was astounded.
"Really. You have become an important part of my life. I do not see you as a challenge or as a conquest. Not having you around the past few days has been difficult. My days have been really empty without you..."His words were like balms to her injured soul. Manjari rocked on her heels as she looked out at the busy street below. She mulled over her words and asked herself what she wanted. The answer was clear. She wanted him, but she feared getting hurt.
"Don't break me. Please."
"I won't," he promised.
"Ok".
"Ok." And just like that, her world stopped spinning, the day seemed bright and everything more colourful.
"When are you coming back?"
"After Christmas."
"I will be waiting for you. And Amaira."
"Ok."
"Ok." It was a testament to his patience that Neel did not take the first Metro-North to NYC. They both needed space to let these new revelations sink. He promised himself that he would do everything in his power to make this work. The next few days flew for Manjari. It was like a dark cloud had lifted from her and she felt lighter, freer. She was finally able to enjoy her beloved city and show her daughter her favorites spot. They had fun going around the city on Christmas Eve. They visited the Bank of America winter village at Bryant Park, skated at the Rink at the Rockefeller Centre, and marveled at the Dyker Heights Christmas Lights. Amaira was spoiled rotten by Abhija and her friends who showered her with many presents on Christmas. Manjari gifted Amaira a beautiful cashmere sweater from Macy's as a thank you gesture. They watched the ball drop at Times Square on New Year's Eve. As the famous New Year's Eve Ball descended atop One Times Square, Manjari bid farewell to the departing year and end our prayers for joy and hope for the year ahead. On the 1st of January, Manjari and Amir said their goodbyes to Abhija and left for Yale. Manjari had dropped Neel a message but not confirmed the time of her arrival. They reached New Havens around noon. After reaching home, they unpacked. Manjari book stock of things she would need and decided to go grocery shopping later. She picked her mobile and sent a quick message to Neel informing him of their arrival. Her fingers hovered over the lines he had sent to her this morning:Don't go far off, not even for a day, because -- because -- I don't know how to say it: a day is long and I will be waiting for you, as in an empty station when the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleep.Manjari felt a familiar smile gracing her lips. It was nice to be wooed. They had not spoken on the phones since their last conversation but had sent each other tons of messages. She was still reading the lines when somebody knocked at her front door. Manjari instinctively knew who it was. She opened the door to see both Neel and Imran.